3. Chapter 3
Before Alpha’s Rejects opened, Nate double-checked to make sure my earbuds and phone were fully charged.
Locks of curls fell in his face as his brows furrowed in concentration, scrolling through my phone to find calming music for me.
I could do it myself, but Nate liked taking care of me, and I liked him doing it. It made me feel needed.
Sometimes, I would pretend that he loved me. Nate did love me, but not in the way I wanted him to.
When he finished, he handed me my buds and phone.
We rarely splurged on expensive things, but we didn’t skimp on my need to drown out all the noise of the bar.
Too much noise—talking, yelling, whistling, bands playing, drum hammering, guitar screeching…
That on top of the crowd was enough to send me spiraling into an anxiety-ridden panic.
I wouldn’t be able to function as a bartender without them.
And being behind the bar, separated from the crowd by thick wood, helped me not feel so overwhelmed.
“I have an extra set of earbuds in my pocket, fully charged.”
He looked up at me with unsweetened, extra-dark chocolate eyes that shimmered under the fluorescent lighting of the employee lounge, looking like twinkling stars.
His brows were thick and the same color as his hair, matching his eyes.
Nate’s nose was sharp, and his cheekbones were high.
Those lips of his were plump, and I never stopped imagining myself kissing them.
My first kiss. His first kiss. Neither of us had ever been with anyone.
It was just us. Only us. I knew his tanned skin was soft because I’d touched it often enough, but not there.
Never where I wanted to. Only on his arms and back if he wasn’t wearing a shirt when he held me at night—
“Sam, did you hear me?”
“What?”
“Come to me if your earbuds die or you lose one, okay?”
I nodded and smiled. “Okay.”
Nate reached around my neck and straightened the apron’s strap, sending waves of tingles across my skin with his gentle fingers.
Chills swept across my skin while I held back my shudder.
He stood so close, smelling of our soap and shampoo.
His nearness spread warmth through me. What would he do if I just kissed him?
“Ready?” he asked, bursting my arousing bubble.
“Yep. I have a new recipe I’m going to try tonight.”
Nate smiled up at me with proud and excited eyes. “Tell me about it.”
“It’s called Brandyberry Breeze. It has Brandy, of course… the good stuff, if they want, but they can have the cheap stuff, too. It should be good anyway. I’ll mix it with ginger beer, raspberry liqueur, with a couple of raspberries and a sprig of mint.”
“Sounds yummy. You’ll have to make me one after my birthday.”
I stood taller, prouder. “Okay.”
“Alpha loves these craft cocktails you make. They bring in the crowd and money.” Nate rested his hands on my chest as he looked up at me, standing several inches shorter than my five-foot-ten height.
His fingers were long and covered with scars from crashing while skateboarding or punching someone in my defense.
His hands were strong and protective. Hands that held me at night and kept me from spiraling from my fears and pain.
Hands I wanted to hold tightly, threading our fingers together, and never let go.
It took all my power not to grab them from my chest and have those strong fingers wrap around mine.
With a deep breath, I forced myself to focus before I blurted out how I felt about Nate.
“Let’s get to work,” I said.
Nate smiled and walked off, and I followed close behind.
Despite the earbuds, I still heard the muffled din that filtered through as I worked, but it was bearable.
Alpha helped take orders, but if he got too busy, I just tapped my left earbud, turning off the sound canceling long enough so I could talk to customers.
When they were off, the sound consumed my senses, threatening to swallow me whole, and making me want to run out of there, but it was only temporary.
My new cocktail tonight was a hit, especially with the ladies. I guess it was too fruity for men despite the brandy, since hardly any of them tried it. Too bad, because it was delicious. It was perfect for those who didn’t like brandy all that much as a standalone, but wanted to try it.
When Jaxon Kean, who we affectionately called Ajax, stood at the server’s stand, I instantly knew what he needed since he ordered the same thing every time he worked. I grabbed a beer glass and filled it with a local amber beer from the tap before setting his drink on the wooden counter.
Ajax was a part of our crew and family, and one of the bouncers next to Stone.
When Ajax first came to us a couple of years ago, he scared the shit out of me, reminding me of bullies from school.
He towered over everyone, and he could be a little wild with bursts of anger.
He’d never been cruel to me, but his impulsivity had him lashing out at people, making him the perfect bouncer, keeping the crowd under control.
Ajax towered over me, standing at six-foot-four. He took the beer and finished it off in two chugs, slamming the glass on the counter and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
He tapped his ear for me to turn off my earbuds. When I removed one, the band playing and the crowd yelling over the music assaulted my ears. I took several calming breaths and pushed through the discomfort.
Ajax leaned over the counter, grinning. His smiles could be a bit disturbing, always looking like a cannibal, ready to eat your flesh.
But Ajax would protect his friends with his life.
His brown eyes, matching Nate’s eyes, weren’t as pretty, but he was a good-looking guy, though I wasn’t attracted to anyone but Nate.
I didn’t look at anyone else as I looked at my Nacho .
Nacho was a terrible nickname. It made sense with his overconsumption of nachos, but Nate was so much more than what he ate. What would I call Nate if I could give him a nickname other than Nacho?
Atlas . He carried my world on his back. Or would I call him Polaris , my Northern Star? My guiding light. Hell, he was my fucking universe.
“How’re you and Nacho doing?” Ajax asked, leaning over the counter.
“Uhm, fine. Same as we always are.”
His smile turned crooked. “Good. Good. You both are really good friends.”
Where was he going with this? Everyone knew we were best friends.
“Yep, we’re best friends.” I gave him a bright smile. Bright smiles disarmed people, especially when I felt uncomfortable or lacked confidence. Happiness hid pain and lies.
The only one who saw my pain was Nate. Too many years of being hurt because I didn’t behave as I should have forced me to hide behind joy.
Sometimes, I felt it. Most times, I didn’t.
Hell, it took me years to accept my sexuality.
Well, our crew knew I was gay, but no one else.
Too many years of torture made me fear that anyone outside of our family would find out.
But Nate helped with that, making it clear that nothing was wrong with me, and it helped that he was gay, too.
I trusted him above all else, so it made me less afraid.
“You know, sometimes friends and roommates end up being more.”
Why was he talking about this? Did he figure out how I felt about Nate? My face burned as the panic started to settle in the pit of my stomach and my smile stretched wider.
Suddenly, Nate approached us, standing nearly a foot shorter than Ajax, yet looking up at him with fearless determination. “That’s enough. Let Sam work, Ajax. He needs his earbuds in to focus.”
Nate pulled Ajax aside, away from the bar, as I slipped my headphones back in, the headache-inducing noise muffled to a bearable sound, and watched them talk.
Nate looked angry and jabbed an irritated finger in Ajax’s chest. Ajax rolled his eyes and walked off to patrol the bar to make sure the crowd stayed responsible.
Did I miss something important? If so, what exactly?
My stomach dropped from the height I’d reached, and the thrill of my skateboard hitting the lip of the ramp. I caught air, did a kickflip, and spun my board 360 degrees. Even more exhilarating was landing without bailing. I reached the other side of the ramp and caught air again.
The world could be a dark and cruel place, but a few things made it bearable: Nate, skateboarding, making cocktails, and my crew—our family of friends.
When I skated, I was free. It allowed me to focus on making those tricks without falling, silencing all the noise in my head.
Nate and I never intended to be skateboarders when he brought two skateboards back to our little tent under the bridge all those years ago.
They were only meant to travel around faster.
It was boredom that drove us to a skatepark one day, where we learned the basics, and it was where we eventually met Alpha.
Little did Nate know that when he bought those boards, it would change our lives forever. We would find a new family, work, and shelter. Nate and I finally found home.
After skating for another ten minutes, I stopped and jumped off my board, popping it to grab it before making my way over to my friends.
Stix and Stone were still skating. Those two were glued at the hip, kind of like how Nate and I glued ourselves together, except they were open with their love while me admitting my feelings terrified me, so I pined from afar.
It made me a little jealous and envious, but I was happy for them. All of us deserve love.
The early March afternoon was in the forties, which was warm for this time of year.
Skating made me sweat, but I’d soon be getting cold now that I was done, so I grabbed my thrifted army jacket I’d tossed on the ground and put it back on.
Nate handed me my used fedora when I sat next to him.
I fingered back my hair and put the hat on the back of my head.
The twins, Jazz and Blondie, sat close together, quietly chatting about something on their shared phone.
Jazz was the only girl in our crew. She kept her blond hair shaved on one side and bubblegum pink.
She was sassy, strong, and vibrant. We all adored and protected her, though she hated it when we did that.
Blondie was more on the fem side, keeping his blond hair bleached as Stix did, with long bangs, wearing a loose sweater that fell off one shoulder. He wasn’t as sassy as his sister, but he was sweet. Both of them had been runaways before they’d met Alpha.
I pulled a pack of smokes out of my jacket, popped a cigarette into my mouth before lighting it, and sat next to Nate, making sure to touch him somehow.
Our shoulders rubbed against each other as I hung out with my crew, not saying much.
I usually didn’t talk a lot out of fear of saying the wrong thing or just blurting shit.
Years of being smacked around for it would do that.
Unknowingly showing a side of myself was what landed me in conversion therapy. It was best not to show any cards.
“Do you need your buds?” Nate asked.
I shook my head. “Nope, I’m good right now.”
“Wanna beer?”
I nodded and smiled at him. “Yeah, thanks.”
He handed me a can of something cheap. I popped the tab and took a gulp of it.
The winter months at skate parks were generally quiet, so I liked skating this time of year despite the cold.
“What the fuck you looking at, asswipe?” Blaze said, suddenly grabbing my attention as Blaze and Ajax gave each other death glares.
Ever since Blaze intentionally injured Stix while skateboarding before Stone and Stix started dating, Ajax had hated him.
Blaze eventually and reluctantly apologized, but it wasn’t enough for Ajax.
Blaze stood about as tall as Nate, but he acted as if he was taller and bigger than Ajax. Blaze was Stone’s former roommate before he and Stix moved in together. I assumed they called him Blaze because of his fiery temper, but what did I know?
Cueball sat next to Blaze, who had also been Stone’s roommate. He rarely talked, and even less than I did. I had no idea what he was all about, but he watched everyone and everything with intelligent amber eyes. They called him Cueball because he completely shaved his head.
I was still wary of Blaze and Cueball, our newest additions—our step-brothers, so to speak, thanks to Stone being with Stix.
The only one not here was Alpha. Ever since he opened his bar a couple of years ago, he’d been working nonstop. We missed him, and sometimes, we had to go to his house to drag him out for some family time.
They were my family, my crew, and I loved them all.