4. Chapter 4
“Eyes up here, dickhead,” Blaze snapped at Ajax.
Ajax’s face burned red, and his eyes bulged. “I’m… I’m not looking at your dick, fuckhead.”
Blaze smirked, wearing his ‘gotcha’ face. “Who said anything about dicks?”
Ajax’s hands fisted, and the veins on his neck bulged. He looked ready to ram over anyone who got in his way. It took nearly all of us to hold him back, which wasn’t easy being the size of a linebacker.
Blaze’s eyes gleamed as he played with the rings on his tattooed fingers as Ajax lost it.
I swore he had a death wish to torment Ajax so much.
They constantly needled each other, and I couldn’t believe they hadn’t come to blows yet.
The only one who would get hurt in that scenario would be Blaze.
Although he seemed to be as reckless as Ajax.
Ajax huffed as we shoved him back to the ground to sit, mumbling obscenities at his friends.
Then, his dark eyes pinged back on Blaze, and a cruel smirk twisted on his face.
“What I meant to say is I wasn’t looking at your dick because you don’t have one, or it’s too small to notice. I was just trying to find it.”
I rolled my eyes at all the dick insults.
It was Blaze’s turn to lose it as he stood, and if he could gut someone with his eyes, he would. “The fuck you say?”
Ajax relaxed as Blaze turned to fire, clearly loving to get the same reaction out of him.
This time, Stone and Cueball were the ones to hold Blaze back. If this kept up, eventually, those two stubborn morons would come to blows, and someone was going to get seriously hurt.
“Why don’t you two idiots just fuck already?” Jazz said, blowing a bubble from her gum as she continued to scroll on her phone.
Blondie giggled and nodded. “Yep, that’s the only way to resolve your issues.”
Both Blaze and Ajax looked green at the very idea of fucking each other as they both ranted at the twins.
“As if!”
“I fucking hate that prick!”
“I wouldn’t touch him if my life depended on it!”
“... microdick.”
The rest of us burst out into a fit of laughter. I had to admit, Jazz may have been on to something there.
Soon, everyone settled back down as Blaze and Ajax quietly seethed, and I needed to skate again.
Sam sat next to me, smoking and watching everyone with a big smile on his face that looked genuine, but I wasn’t one hundred percent sure.
He’d gotten so good at masking his feelings and pain from others, practicing for years.
Among his other issues, he suffered from insecurities, which was no fault of his own, but it made him struggle with self-worth.
All our friends assumed that Sam had ADHD, which he did, but we didn’t advertise it either.
On top of it, he also put his happy mask on to disarm people.
Years of being treated horribly forced him to adapt so he wouldn’t get hurt again.
All of our friends suffered one way or another.
Stix and his little sister had been abandoned by their father after Stix came out as gay, and he’d blamed himself for his family’s financial struggles.
Stone’s drugged-out parents had physically abused him until he finally left them.
Jazz and Blondie were runaways. And Ajax had his own issues, but no one really knew his story.
Like Sam, he kept his past close to the cuff.
Whatever happened to Ajax made him volatile, making it hard to judge what would set him off.
And I had no idea what Blaze’s and Cueball’s stories were. I didn’t know them well enough.
That was our crew. Alpha’s Rejects wasn’t just a bar in Baltimore, Maryland. It was home and family. We shared in our pain and suffering, finding friendship and a place that kept us whole.
I elbowed Sam. “I’m gonna go skate for a bit before we have to go.”
He faced me and smiled. “Yeah, have fun.”
The smile he gave felt genuine and made my heart beat a little faster, and my stomach fluttered.
Sam was always beautiful, even in his pain, but when he had moments of true happiness, he fucking glowed, and his green eyes shone like gemstones.
It reminded me of things that should’ve been and could be.
If he hadn’t been through hell and back, that smile wouldn’t be a mask, not the one he wore for others.
I returned his smile, fighting the urge to lean into him, to kiss him, to do anything other than just smile back stupidly at someone I would give my life to protect.
I grabbed my board and made my way toward one of the several half-pipes in the skatepark. Skating was my stress relief. I loved Sam with every fiber of my being, and I loved taking care of him, but it could also be challenging, exhausting, and stressful sometimes.
It wasn’t like Sam couldn’t take care of himself, but he forgot a lot of things, like paying rent and bills or grocery shopping.
When he shopped, he would buy things we already had instead of what we needed, which was why we usually shopped together.
But those things were small in comparison to his anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares that could ruin the previous good day.
I wasn’t a mental health expert, so all I could do was the best that I could to help him since he flat-out refused to see a doctor.
The one thing that made all my efforts worth it was when I would wrap myself around him after one of his rougher moments and feel him calm against me. His muscles would loosen, and his breathing would settle, showing I could offer Sam a safe space, and that he needed me as much as I needed him.
Talk about a need to focus. My life was so wrapped up around Sam that I often forgot about myself.
Before I skated off, Stix pulled me aside.
He was Sam’s height, and his ears glittered with so many studs and earrings. Stix also had a fresh tattoo of a stone rolling away on his arm. He’d explained that it represented Stone, who he called ‘Rolling Stone.’ The tat was kind of stupid-looking, but I loved the sentimentality behind it.
“Wait up,” he said. He didn’t have his board, so I assumed he wasn’t about to skate with me.
“What’s up?”
“So, how are things between you and Pippin?”
I shrugged and kept walking. “Fine.” But I knew what he was asking. Stix always pushed me to tell Sam about how I felt.
“Look, I’m here for you, okay? You really helped me with Stone a while back, and I just want to return the favor. Even if you just need to talk.”
God, I wanted to really dive in about how I was feeling and why I hadn’t told Sam after all these years that I loved him, but it wasn’t only my story.
Sam kept his past a secret out of shame, blaming himself for the most part, and not wanting our friends to view him differently or pity him. I needed to respect that.
“Thanks.”
Before I skated off, Stix grabbed my arm. “Come on. I know you need to talk. We all do.”
“Learn that in group therapy with Stone, did we?” I asked to tease and divert the subject off of me.
He smirked. “Yeah, who knew I’d need therapy, too? It’s been useful and eye-opening.”
If I could get Sam into that free group therapy, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
“It is what it is,” I finally said.
“One thing I’ve learned is the truth either eventually comes out or the lie will do irreparable harm.”
No doubt not telling Sam how my feelings for him took its toll on me.
A little piece of me chipped away at my silence.
What if he didn’t like me the same way? My feelings would be out in the open, creating a permanent divide between us.
It would change our dynamic, and not necessarily for the better.
I could be wrong, and he may like me back, but I didn’t know that for sure, especially since Sam hadn’t given me any indication of interest. Ugh, then again, I’d never dated before, so I didn’t always understand the nuances of it. Maybe I was missing the signs.
“I know,” I finally said, dropped my board on the concrete, and pushed off as I made my way toward a half-pipe.
Once I reached the top on one side, I did a drop-in, picking up speed before reaching the other side, where I stalled before dropping in again.
Eventually, I had enough speed for handplants, boardslides, and catching air on the lip of the half-pipe.
The day was cold through my hoodie, but after skating for a few minutes, I grew warmer. Soon, my mind blanked out as I focused only on skating and making that trick I aimed for without having to bail.
Shortly after, Sam came over to skate with me. I smiled, loving that we could do this together. I would skate on one end, he would skate on the other, and then we would meet in the middle and touch, which always sent zings through my body.
Soon our skating turned into a little competition, trying to outdo each other on our tricks. But on Sam’s last turn, he did a handplant and overcompensated, reaching too far out from the platform.
It all happened almost in slow motion as I watched Sam from the other side tumble down and land hard on his board. Why didn’t he kick it away? This was what happened when you didn’t bail properly.
Sam cried out, holding his knee. That’s when I saw all the blood.
Fuck!
I jumped off the platform and straight down to him.
“Sam!”
Tears from the pain streamed down his face, grimacing as I tried to pry his fingers off his leg.
“Let me look.”
“No! Fuck, it hurts!”
“I need to look.”
I finally managed to get his hands off his leg and saw the ripped jeans and all the blood. There was a huge gash just below the kneecap with a flap of skin, and it was streaming blood, so I yanked off my hoodie and used it to stem the blood.
“Dude, are you okay?” Stix asked, showing up with Stone.
“He’s going to need stitches,” Stone said after pulling back my hoodie to look at the wound.
“No!” Sam suddenly went into panic mode, eyes going wild and trying to pull away. Dammit! This was the problem when no one understood Sam’s trauma and phobia. Now I needed to find a way to calm him down.
“Sam…”
He looked at me with pleading eyes, begging me not to tell anyone about his fears and to not let anyone take him to urgent care.
“Please,” he whimpered.
“Stix? Stone? Can you all leave us for a second?”
“Sure.”
Shit, if he needed stitches, this would cost us a lot of money, too, if I could even get Sam to see a doctor in the first place.
I didn’t know what to do.
Think, think, think.