5. Chapter 5
As soon as Stix and Stone were out of earshot, I looked at Nate, begging him with my eyes.
“Please. I can’t see a doctor.” Already the nausea and rapid heartbeat set in and my hands shook, masking the pain in my knee, which now just radiated heat and throbbed.
“It will heal. I’ll be fine. Just pour some of Ajax’s whiskey on it, and I’ll be good as new. ”
The look in Nate’s dark eyes told me it was bad, and more than just a scrape, though I hadn’t seen it yet. I didn’t want to look and see how bad it was.
“Sam, it’s huge. The bottom of your kneecap has been gouged open. There’s… skin no longer attached. It needs stitches.”
“No! Nononononono…”
“I am not equipped to handle this, Sam. Please.”
The tears welled, and I wanted to fucking throw up.
“What did you do when you were forced to go to the doctor before? Because foster care makes you get checkups.”
What did they do? A stinging shot, then sleepiness, unable to move, but I’m aware.
Inside I cry but I can’t do anything. I’m not as scared, but when the meds wear off, I crawl under my blankets and hide.
I want to hide forever and never come out.
It makes me hate doctors even more. What if they drug me and do something to my brain again… or worse?
“Don’t make them drug me, Nate. Please.”
“They drugged you? Like give you something to help you relax or knock you out?”
I nodded.
Nate removed his hoodie again from my knee and looked at it. That was when I finally looked at the wound. It was still streaming blood and not easing up.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Please, Nate…”
“Don’t hate me, but we have to call the paramedics. I can’t even take you to the doctor. No one has a car, and the bus stop is too far away.”
“No!”
“I’m so sorry, Sam.”
Nate stands with guilt all over his face, pulls out his phone from his back pocket, and makes a call. My entire body is shaking, and the acid rises to my throat. Nate knew I couldn’t see doctors. He knew my fears, yet he was forcing me to see one, anyway.
When he hung up, he kneeled down beside me. “Please don’t hate me. Please, Sam.”
His eyes were filled with so much pain. Deep down, I knew he was only doing what he felt was best, but I’d rather fucking bleed to death.
“Why?” I cried.
“I can’t let you bleed out, Sam. Maybe it will heal, but it won’t heal right and you’ll end up with an infection. What if you injured more than your skin? I… I can’t. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t let them see,” I said, meaning our family. If I was being forced into this, I didn't want anyone to know. No one could.
“You got it.”
Nate helped me to stand, and I wrapped an arm around his shoulder as I limped toward the parking lot. We left our boards behind, but I was sure one of our crew would grab them.
A few minutes later, I heard the siren, and my heart felt like it was seizing. I tried to pull away as soon as I saw the EMT truck with flashing lights.
“No, no, no…”
“Sam?”
I choked on a sob as soon as a paramedic stepped out, rushing toward me, but when I yanked away from Nate, I fell on my ass and tried to scramble away, only making me bleed more.
“No!”
The tears spilled, and I suddenly faced the asphalt and threw up.
“Sam!”
Nate grabbed my hand and rubbed it soothingly, but nothing would calm me. I couldn’t think. My mind blinked in and out, back and forth from my past to my present. I only heard a smattering of words.
“He’s afraid…”
“Phobia?”
“... sedation.”
“... panic attack.”
“Sam,” said a man’s voice I didn’t recognize. “Breathe, Sam.”
I shook my head, gasping for breath, but my lungs had seized as they lifted my body off the ground.
Suddenly, I was lying down on a bed, and a mask was put on my face.
Air. I inhaled and gasped. The tears kept spilling, and my mind couldn’t focus on anything.
Lights. Beeps. A needle. Nate’s face with chocolate eyes full of worry.
Then the warmth, as my eyes rolled up into my head, and my muscles relaxed.
The paramedics bandaged up my knee as they drove off toward my living hell. If I died and went to hell, a hospital full of doctors would be where I would spend eternity.
I was aware, but I wasn’t. My mind was still in and out, but my body no longer trembled and I stopped crying. Nate’s hand was in mine, I could feel his soothing rubs, and his long fingers entwined with mine.
I was angry with him, but I couldn’t feel it in the true sense of the word. The drugs numbed me and my body could barely move.
“Sam, you’re doing so good. You’re so brave.” Nate’s words sounded like we were underwater. Were we underwater? I felt light yet heavy, as if floating. I hated the water. Could we even talk underwater?
“We’re almost there. They’ll just stitch you up, and we’ll be on our way home before you know it.”
My mouth was thick, and I couldn’t find words to speak.
Suddenly the truck jolted, and I was hauled out and rushed inside the hospital. The panic tried to rise, but the drugs kept it back. I didn’t like not feeling anything, yet I was grateful for it.
Nate was talking, but I couldn’t follow along.
Everything after that was a blur. A doctor.
A nurse. I recoiled, but they couldn’t see it or ignored it.
Pressure on my upper arm squeezed me. Needles.
More stinging and then numbness. Tugging on my skin.
I think they tried to talk to me. Nate smiled down at me, stroking my hair.
I focused on his face. His face of safety. But was he safe? He was trying to help me. He didn’t want me hurting. He made me suffer in this place.
God, just get me out of here .
My skin crawled from the medical filth. Doctors and nurses had touched me.
I stood underneath the hot stream of water to wash it all off.
My knee was covered with plastic, so I didn’t get my stitches wet—all eighteen of them.
At least they were dissolvable stitches, so I wouldn’t have to go back to that hellscape to have them removed.
The wound was worse than I thought. Nate was right that I needed treatment, but he was also wrong.
I would’ve had a bad scar and possibly an infection, but who cared?
As soon as the water turned cold, I got out and dried off before removing the plastic. I slipped on my underwear, sweats, T-shirt, and a pullover hoodie. I was cold and shivered from the inside out between the winter, the lack of heat, and the trauma I’d just gone through.
If I never saw a doctor again, it would be too fucking soon.
“Sam?”
Nate’s voice was tentative and guilt-laden. Usually, when I suffered I needed his touch and his curls twining around my fingers, but not today. I needed to curl up and be alone, so I ignored him and headed to my room.
“Sam?”
Now his voice was near panic. I sighed and my eyes watered, but I didn’t turn around to look at him.
“Just… give me a bit, Nate. I need to just lie down for a few hours in my bed.”
“Do you need me to hold you?”
Yes.
No.
I shook my head and closed the door behind me.
“I’m so sorry, Sam,” Nate said through my door.
“Give me time. I’ll… be fine.”
I’d never be fine, but I didn't want Nate upset despite my frustration toward him.
I curled up in a ball underneath my blanket and draped it over my head, shivering. My knee ached like fuck and my stitches pulled, but I suffered through it so I could hide in my cave for a little while.
I woke up to warmth and comfort. When my eyes opened, they instantly focused on a sleeping Nate with his long fingers wrapped tightly on my hoodie, as if clinging to me for dear life just in case I suddenly vanished.
My star .
All my disappointment and frustration with him instantly washed away. Nate only did what was best for me. He cared about me and wouldn’t ever hurt me intentionally. He’d made a hard choice today, and for that, I could forgive him.
When my fingers curled around a lock of his soft hair, he opened his eyes, filled again with guilt and worry. “Sorry, I ah…”
“It’s okay.”
“Is it, though?”
“Yes. I was upset, but you were only trying to help. It fucking hurt and freaked me out, but now that I’m home with you holding me, I’m… better.”
My favorite fingers of his pulled away my bangs that had fallen in my face, and he smiled. Every time he touched me, my body thrummed with electricity. I loved it and hated it. I ached for more. It was never enough, but it would have to do.
“Thank you for forgiving me. I was terrified you’d leave or something.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
His smile grew brighter, and he snuggled into me. I wrapped an arm around him as I played with his hair and closed my eyes for more sleep.
The day had fucking wrecked me.