10. Chapter 10
What to do? What to do?
I’d been dying to hear those words forever, but they also terrified me.
My heart slammed against my chest so hard that Nate could probably feel it as he held on tight to me, clawing at the back of my shirt as he sobbed. My clammy hands trembled as I clawed him back. His reaction made my eyes water, too, because he hurt. Nate should never be in pain.
I didn’t deserve him, but he loved me. He said he did. Nate never lied to me. Was not telling me his feelings for years a lie? If so, then I was just as guilty.
Tell him back. Tell Nate you love him.
Why was I so afraid after he confessed to me?
Years of holding back. Years of staying silent.
It scared me to admit something when I’d had it in my head for so long that he wouldn’t want me, that he would leave me if he knew the truth.
Who wanted to be around someone who loved you, but you couldn’t love him back?
All those times, I stayed silent out of fear. I was always afraid of everything. The night scared me, sleep scared me, seeing doctors scared me, and being loved scared me. God, who wanted to love that? No one wanted someone as messed up as me.
But he told you he loved you. Nate knows you better than anyone. He knows your darkest fears.
My shirt was wet from Nate’s tears. He still sobbed. Why was he crying so much? The guilt just rolled off me. It was my fault for saying nothing. It was always my fault. I wasn’t good enough for him. He had no business loving me.
“Pl-please… say something,” he said through his hiccups.
I shut my eyes as my own tears spilled as I forced my mind to stay on target.
For once in my fucking life, I needed to be brave.
I needed to do it for Nate, who was the bravest person I knew, always taking care of me.
Now, it was my turn to be there for him.
Would it mean losing him? Maybe. Loving each other could ruin our friendship, but after years of being together, I now realized that this had been inevitable.
A secret like ours wasn’t meant to stay hidden.
Love was meant to be shouted out across the urban landscape for the world to hear—words that no one cared about except us.
Nate sharing my fears somehow helped me feel a little less nervous. I needed to remember that. As I took a deep breath, my body started to calm down.
I rested my head on his shoulder and turned to face his neck as my fingers dug into his bony back, feeling so slight in my arms, yet he emitted so much strength.
“I will never leave you, Nate. You’re my Polaris, my Northern Star.
You’ve always been mine since the day we met, and we’ve been more than just friends.
We’re family. There’s no changing that. Fuck, Nate… how could I not love you, too?”
There, I said it. Did I feel like I was about to vomit?
Yes. Did I feel better admitting my feelings?
No. But it was out there now. Only time would tell if this would end up destroying us or making us stronger.
Right now, I could stand to use some strength.
My reservoirs were low, but I did my best to dip into my nearly empty well to be brave enough for my bright star. To fight for him and to make him happy.
Nate let me go, sat up, and wiped his wet face full of tears and snot with the back of his hand and forearm.
“I know you love me… like a brother. That’s not what I—”
“I know what you meant. Shit, I didn’t mean it to sound like I love you like a brother, which I do, but it’s so fucking more than that. You’re… everything to me. Fucking everything. You’re my universe. I cannot survive without you. But…”
Nate grabbed my face when I looked away and brushed the tears from my face with his thumbs. “But what? Talk to me.”
“I’m not worthy of you. You bring so much to the table, and I bring not one fucking thing.”
His dark brows furrowed, and he gripped my face tighter, refusing to let me look away.
“You don’t bring anything to the table? Are you fucking kidding me?
You bring me happiness. You give me purpose.
You give me a home. Meeting you was the first time I ever had a sense of home, realizing it’s not a place but a state of being.
I’d never had that until you. You’re fun and kind when you have no right to be after everything. ”
“But I’m so much work. God, Nate, if you weren’t in my life… I’m not sure I’d be here right now.”
Fuck, that was the first time I’d ever told him that or said the words out loud.
He knew my need for him, but he had no idea how much.
If he left me, I wouldn’t survive it. Fuck, that was one secret I should’ve kept.
It was too much pressure. He would feel the need to stay when he didn’t want to.
I couldn’t handle him staying, even if he hated me. Fuck. How would I know if he—
“What do you mean?”
I tried to move away, but Nate wouldn’t let me. “I shouldn’t have told you that.”
“What. Do. You. Mean, Sam?”
“Ugh… I’m not as happy as you think I am.
All my mental health issues over the years have taken their toll on me.
That conversion therapy… they break you, Nate.
They make you feel worthless, like you’re nothing.
Then they claim to build you back up through God and prayer, but it only makes you feel worse.
I left there after four months like I was missing pieces of me, missing a part of my soul. ”
“Fuck… Sam…”
“I… sometimes wonder if the world would be better off without me. No one would care if I was gone… except maybe for you. When you came into my life, you brought me so much happiness and love that I cling to life to keep you in it. See? I’m a fucking mess.
Now that I’ve told you… you’re going to stay even if you don’t want to because you’ll feel guilty.
I won’t know if you’re staying for me or out of obligation. ”
Nate let me go and ran a hand through his thick curls. “Fuck me, Sam. I had no idea you had thoughts like that. I mean, I wondered, but you’d never said anything.”
“Please don’t make me see a doctor!” My voice was nearly shrill as my stomach grew nauseous. It was hard to breathe, and my mouth dried out. Suddenly, I couldn’t get air into my lungs.
Nate grabbed my face again and stared into my eyes. “Shh… you’re safe. Just breathe. Deep breaths.” My lungs suddenly hurt as I gasped. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, then another, as I tried to mimic him. “Hold it. 1… 2… 3… Now let it out.”
Once I felt calm enough to speak, I looked away, though he still held onto me. “See how much work I am?”
“Do you really believe I’d walk away from my best friend and someone I love because he struggles?”
I did believe that. It was so deeply ingrained in me, keeping my feelings for him tightly sealed.
All those nights he held me, soothed me…
I wanted to tell him the truth. When he held my hand or wrote me a sticky note and put it on the bathroom mirror, I was desperate to say something.
Only my fears kept my words under lock and key.
Even now, after telling me his feelings—
“Answer me,” he said gently.
“Don’t you ever get tired of my issues and getting me to remember so many things, sometimes?
It’s not just that, but I blank out sometimes, trying to reach out for an elusive memory.
One minute my mind is all over the fucking place, and the next there’s nothing.
It doesn’t happen all the time, but I know my brain is completely messed up.
I’m sure it’s because of them . I don’t think those assholes knew what they were doing when they zapped my brain, or maybe they didn’t give a shit. ”
“That’s not your fault, Sam.”
“Don’t you get tired?” I insisted.
Nate sighed and nodded. “Sometimes. But I know enough that it’s a normal reaction. We all can get tired of each other sometimes. That doesn’t mean I’ll leave you and walk away… or love you any less.”
“You can’t know that.”
“No one knows the future, Sam. But I haven’t left you yet, have I? We lived on the streets for two damn years, and we took care of each other, not once leaving when it would’ve been easier to do so.”
Nate has been gone for hours. I huddle in our little tent under the overpass.
The cars rolling over concrete are loud and constant, like tinnitus—so loud, so distracting.
I try to read one of the two books I own to keep myself preoccupied and keep the fears away that he won’t come back.
Instead, I block out my ears with my hands. It helps a little.
He promised. He promised.
Those words revolve around in my head in a loop because Nate always keeps his promises.
But there will be a day he’ll grow tired of taking care of me.
We live on the streets because I’m too much damn work.
I couldn’t even do the right thing in foster care, getting hit for always forgetting to do my chores.
It’s fall, and the days are getting colder. Soon, we’ll need to find another place—a warmer place. The shelters take us in on really cold days, but we can’t stay there forever.
Right when I’m pulling the sleeping bag over my shoulders, the flap of our tent opens. I look up to find Nate with a massive smile on his face. He smells of cooked food and grease, reminding me of how hungry I am. My stomach growls loudly, making Nate laugh.
“Here,” he says and thrusts a styrofoam container at me. I open it to find a hamburger loaded with only lettuce, cheese, and no condiments, just the way I like it. On the side is a pile of salted fries. The smell of cooked meat hits me first, and I drool from hunger.
“Oh, god, that looks so good. Thank you.”
“It might be a little cold, but it’s still good.”
I take a bite of the burger, and my eyes roll up into my head, groaning. Fuck, that’s delicious. We don’t always have the luxury of eating fresh food. The shelters try, but the food isn’t the best. I usually force myself to stomach food I hate out of desperate hunger.
After I take another bite, I hand it to Nate so he can eat some. He shakes his head, still smiling, as he sits next to me on the other sleeping bag.
“I ate already. That’s all yours.”
“So, you found work?” I ask with my mouth full of fries.
“Yep, I found a decent restaurant that let me wash dishes for a few hours, then they fed me and let me have extra for you. The cook said he respected me for trying to work and not beg.”
Nate pulls off a worn tennis shoe and sock, then hands me a wad of cash.
“It’s not tons, but it’s enough to buy food for a couple of days, and I got some quarters so we can wash our clothes.
The cook said I can come back and work. They even have a locker room with a shower.
Can you believe it? He said the next time I work, I can shower there.
When I asked if you could shower, too, he said yes.
He was so cool, Sam. We really lucked out. ”
“The question is, what do we do now, Sam?” Nate asked, yanking me out of my memory.
He still sat on my lap and felt completely natural there, like he’d always belonged right in this spot.
“I’m afraid,” I admitted.
“Me, too. But what do you want ? Tell me. Please.”
“I don’t just want it. I… need you to kiss me again.”
More than I need to breathe .
Nate didn’t hesitate for a second when he plunged his lips to mine, still holding my face. Nate was no longer my one true star, but a fucking galaxy as soon as his mouth pressed to mine.
His fingers dug gently into my cheeks as our mouths explored, keeping my focus entirely on Nate—his soapy and sleepy smell, his soft lips, the scruff on his face, the warmth from his skin. The kiss became fucking everything.
Things were a bit awkward and a little sloppy, with too much saliva, but I didn’t care.
His lips also tasted salty from crying earlier.
This was my first real kiss, not those kisses that Nate had apparently been stealing.
My first and only love finally kissed me.
It terrified me because I didn’t know where the road would take us.
Yet this moment also freed me with promises for more.
Nate belonged right here, like this, with me—my home.
I understood enough about kissing by watching people on TV, but the reality was so different with Nate. I had no idea a kiss affected my entire body, setting me on fire.
When we pulled away, we both panted for air. Nate’s full lips were swollen and glistening, the wetness reflecting the streetlights from the dirty window.
“Fuck… finally,” Nate whispered, his voice cracking. “I’ve spent years fantasizing about my first kiss… our first kiss.”
“I have, too… so many times.”
Nate smiled, gnawing on his bottom lip. “I love you. I want to tell you that all the time now. It’s so fucking… freeing, like I’ve been in prison all my life until now.”
“It’s scary, too.”
He nodded. “It is. You’re not alone in these feelings… but god, I want more now. I’m going to be fucking greedy.”
Now it was my turn to smile, and I chuckled, his words putting me at ease. I knew myself well enough to understand that things wouldn’t always be easy, but hell, I wanted to try to make this work. “I like the sound of that.”