14. Chapter 14
After dinner, Nate and I curled up on the couch to watch a couple of sitcoms we liked that came on each week.
He sat with his legs propped up on crates we’d turned into a coffee table as I lay down and rested my head in his lap.
I completely got lost in his delicate fingers combing through my hair, unable to focus on the show.
It was something we hadn’t done before. Sure, we sat close to each other all the time, but not like this. While comforting, this was intimate. Nate wasn’t soothing me because I was fucked up or having a nightmare, but because he cared about me. He was the sweetest of all sweet desserts.
Relaxation and ease were gifts I never took for granted.
It was so rare that I could lie here, being lovingly soothed without the need to do something.
My mind still churned and moved, but it wasn’t too bad, focusing on how good it felt to have Nate’s fingers combing through my hair.
He had me so relaxed, and I enjoyed my calmer mind.
This reminded me of my meditation, but better.
My eyes grew heavy as that sense of safety and home filled me again. Not even my horrible past could affect me at the moment, as if Nate had a force field around us, protecting us from the horrors of life. The world could burn, and we’d always be in our protective little bubble.
“Sam?”
“Hmm?”
I rolled over onto my back to look up at him. His dark curls fell in his face, hiding his thick, black brows and almost covering those soulful eyes. I reached up and tucked away the stray curls behind his ears to see his beautiful face.
Nate glanced away at the TV and rubbed the back of his neck as his tanned skin pinked on his cheeks. “Uhm, can we take a shower tonight before bed instead of in the morning?”
My brows furrowed. “Uh, yeah. That’s cool. Why?”
“Because I want to take one… with you.”
I grinned as my face burned. God, we were really new at this sex shit, but I loved the awkwardness of it.
It made it all feel real and meaningful.
We didn’t dance around words or play games to get what we wanted, things I noticed people doing in the bar to get laid.
I loved how Nate asked me outright like that.
We’d stayed silent about our feelings long enough. Now, we didn’t have to hide anything.
“You want to fool around?” I asked.
He turned as red as I felt and nodded.
My stomach fluttered from nervousness and excitement. I had no idea what I was doing, but Nate and I would figure things out as we fumbled around and got it right. We weren’t the only people in the world to have sex or fool around. Everyone started somewhere, right?
But what if I was terrible at it and didn’t learn well enough?
Would he grow bored with me trying and not getting it right?
What if he realized he wanted something else?
Something better? Maybe he’d figure out I wasn’t good enough for him and find someone else.
Or what if I had flashes of bad memories while we messed around?
God, what if I couldn’t do it at all? I didn’t have problems rubbing one out, but—
Nate continued to run his fingers through my hair in soothing strokes. He must have noticed me spiraling. “Shhh. I can see that amazing brain of yours working a million miles a minute. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I’m going to be bad at it.”
His smile turned broad and reassuring. I loved his little crooked teeth and his slight overbite. “I think we both have a lot to learn, and that’s okay. We can learn together, though I did ask Stone how to… God, this is so embarrassing. I asked him how to do a blow job.”
I sat up with a thumping heart. “You told him about us? I thought they’d only guessed about you liking me.”
“Shit… I’m sorry. He figured it out because our friends knew about my crush on you. Fuck, I should’ve told you… knowing how private you are. I just didn’t think about it. I wanted to suck you off and make sure you really enjoy it.”
“How did they see it when I didn’t even notice? If it was that obvious…”
Nate shrugged. “Probably because sometimes we don’t see what’s right in front of us. I didn’t see how you felt about me, either.”
My tense body relaxed. “That’s true.”
“You and I tiptoed around each other, careful with how much we showed of our true feelings.”
That made sense, actually. I was glad he said something before I fell down in my rabbit hole of failures from not noticing what was in front of my face.
But should I have paid more attention to such things?
As well as I knew Nate, I probably should’ve.
Should he have seen how I felt, too? Did it matter?
Our friends recognized Nate’s feelings, but what about me?
No, Nate and I covered ourselves well around each other. He was right.
Trust. It was all about trust. He was honest with me, so I shouldn’t have felt completely inept at not recognizing the signs.
With a deep breath, bringing my focus back on him, I said, “Let’s get back to this fooling around in the shower?”
“I’ve been dying to have you, Sam… like, for years now.”
“God, same here.”
I sat up and lunged at Nate, smothering him in kisses along his face and mouth.
While we quickly learned about kissing, it was still sloppy, but I didn’t give a shit.
All our kisses were the most perfect in the world.
Our tongues tasted, and our lips devoured.
My hands fumbled blindly until I found the hem of his hoodie and T-shirt.
I pulled away from Nate long enough to get them over his head before I straddled his lap and slammed my lips to his again.
Our breathing turned to panting, and my cock grew so hard it was trying to push through my sweats. When I looked down, Nate’s also tented his sweats. I may have drooled a little, dying to taste him. Fuck, I couldn’t wait to get my mouth on him.
By all rights, I should’ve been terrified to be with a man after being taught to hate my very being.
Only Nate. The only thing I feared about Nate was him leaving me.
Loving him felt as normal as breathing. No, not just breathing air, but breathing the freshest of air, air that cleansed not only your lungs but your soul.
Like how I imagined it would be sitting on the top of the world on a mountain, away from all the people, noise, and pollution.
I mapped out his smooth, tawny skin with the palms of my hands.
He had a smattering of chest hair, and you could feel his ribs.
He was perfect. I’d seen him shirtless before, but now, for the first time, I got to really explore him unhindered.
Maybe I could finally count all those cute moles and see if they were any tucked away in forbidden areas.
For now, I leaned down and pressed my lips to a few moles on his chest and neck.
My dick ached, but I didn’t want to rush this. I wanted to remember every second with Nate, which wasn’t easy for someone like me. Maybe he would bring me enough love and joy to push back the dark clouds of my mind or to keep me at least focused long enough to give him pleasure and to receive it.
“Off,” Nate demanded, grabbing the hem of my long-sleeved T-shirt, pulling it over my head, and tossing it on the floor.
His hands, like mine, went instantly to my skin, touching me everywhere possible that wasn’t covered by fabric.
“You’re so beautiful, baby,” he breathed.
I nearly gasped at the endearment. He’d never called me such a thing before, only calling me Sam, but I loved it.
I felt wanted, needed, and loved. The word was simple but all-claiming.
Nate was telling me I was his, that I belonged to him.
“Let’s shower. I want to see how beautiful the rest of you is. ”
I climbed off and gave him my hand with the eagerness of an excited puppy.
He took it, and I lifted him to stand before leading us to the bathroom.
Once we entered, we were all over each other, grappling at skin, as we devoured with our mouths.
Nate stood on his tippy toes to reach me, digging his fingers into my biceps as I slid my hands down his back to his cute little ass.
We were getting so much better with this kissing thing, or at least, I thought so. My tongue swiped along his, twirling and tasting. Then he nibbled on my lip ring, gently tugging on it. My cock fucking ached, so I thrust against him, desperate for friction.
“I love this,” he rasped, tugging on my lip ring again.
“I was thinking about getting one for my nose.”
“Cute.”
Nate pulled back and swept his hands across my bare chest, gnawing on his bottom lip.
“Fuck, I love touching you. I mean like this. We touch each other all the time, but I’ve never been able to really explore you.
And what a fucking relief it is to get hard in front of you without completely humiliating myself. It feels natural now.”
“I can’t wait to discover all of you, too.”
“Can I touch you… there?”
I nodded and gasped when his hand landed on my dick, pressing his palm against it. My cock throbbed at the sensation. Fuck, if it was this good with him just touching me, I couldn’t imagine what blow jobs or sex would be like.
He looked up at me before he dropped to his knees. My dick pulsed, knowing what was coming before I did.