32. Chapter 32 #2
“A phobia of doctors, or anyone in the medical field, really. I’m going to be honest here.
We need more fighting against conversion therapies.
It needs to be banned globally, but it’s a hard fight.
They keep pushing them, claiming they work, but all they do is make you all afraid, and most of it borders on abuse.
Some are worse than others. It really needs to be abolished, and I’m so sorry you were forced through that as a child.
I wish you had someone to turn to for help, but many children do not.
You’re not alone, Sam. I also want to put out there that doing group therapy, talking to others who have gone through conversion therapy, could help you, too.
Finding others like you helps validate your fears and they push you to accept what you’d gone through without internalizing. ”
We talked for nearly an hour about Sam and me.
She used the paperwork we’d filled out to understand our situation, and Sam had taken an online screening for ADHD, among other things.
It had been long and arduous, but he got through it.
Eventually, he’d have to go in for a more thorough testing with scans.
Despite me being here, this was mostly about Sam, but since we were so closely tied together, she worked with me, too.
Sam slowly warmed up to her. He still trembled and played with my hair for comfort, but he periodically talked to her and answered her questions. It was a promising start, though I wasn’t sure he’d even do that were we forced to go to her office.
“Okay, the hour is about up. I’d like to prescribe you some ADHD medication and anxiety medication.
We’re going to start with a lower dosage and work our way up until you see some improvements.
I need to talk to you once a week, Sam. It’s important because I need to make sure the meds are working and that you’re making progress, and then see if we can’t get you to open up more.
I think you’ll find the medicine will help with that.
ADHD medicine can sometimes exacerbate anxiety, so I need to monitor it closely. ”
“Okay,” he said.
“With therapy and medication, hopefully, you’ll feel better enough to come in for further testing.”
She gave instructions on how to take the medicine and how often. I made notes so I wouldn’t forget and to make sure Sam took them.
“One more thing, and this is for Nate. I would like to see you relinquish some of your assistance with Sam. Sam, you need to be more self-sufficient, and I’m certain you are and can be.”
“But I like it when he helps. I can’t remember everything.”
She smiled. “The medicine will help with that. But Nate needs to let go a bit, too, not just for you, but for himself. You two are incredibly codependent on each other.”
“But I don’t want to be away from Nate,” Sam said. You could hear the panic rising in his voice.
“I understand the uncertainty and fear of it after being reliant on Nate for seven years. This will be a slow process to ease you into the change. Nate will still help you, but I think he needs to do things for himself periodically, as you do. He’s also dependent on you, needing you for his own self-worth, and you’re dependent on him for doing everything except your job and skateboarding.
We want you both to be happy and have confidence, as well as to have a healthy and loving relationship.
Leaning on each other is wonderful, and you two are very good at that. ”
I swallowed my nerves. Breaking away from Sam and relinquishing my help would be hard. It had become practically a habit, but I’d already mentioned this to Sam. “I’ve talked about this with Sam. I know I… take on a lot for him. Part of it is doing all that I can, so he’ll love me.”
Sam looked at me and smiled. “I’ll always love you, no matter what.”
“That love will keep you two strong. One more thing before I hang up. Have you ever thought about going into caregiving as a job, Nate? You’re incredibly patient and work really well with Sam. You bring him comfort and stability when he needs it.”
My face burned, and I shook my head. “Nah, I’m… only patient with Sam.”
“That’s not true,” Sam said, sounding bolder and more confident.
“I’m also not the smartest. I don’t have much of an education, and I don’t read so well.”
“I think you’ll be surprised by how smart you are. Just think about it. You can go to the community college, which is relatively affordable, and take as many or few classes as you would like. Being a nurse or caregiver pays quite well. This would be something right up your alley, I believe.”
“Ah, maybe. Thanks.”
We ended the call with instructions on how to sever our codependency with simple tasks. I was sure we could do this. I didn’t know if Sam would continue with therapy or if it would all work out, but damn if I wouldn’t help him. Hell, I needed it, too.
Sam and I lay down on the bed, touching and staring at each other.
“How do you feel?” I asked.
“I felt like I was going to throw up at first, but she’s… nice. She wasn’t that scary. But I’m really tired now.”
“She seems really nice, Sam.”
“Yeah. I like what she said about you doing caregiving. You’d be good at it.”
“We’ll see.”
Although it would be nice to have a career in the future, something I could be proud of, but something I hadn’t dreamed possible.
I ran my fingers through his hair, slightly damp from his nervous and anxious sweating.
“We’re going to be okay, Sam. You and I…
We’re stronger together. Maybe we are codependent on each other, and we need to work on that, but we also work well together.
We both need some more self-love and self-worth.
But with Dr. Tucker’s help, I think we can do this.
Soon, you’ll be on some meds, and I fucking hope they make you feel better.
This is a step in the right direction, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you.
One day, you’ll see what I see, Sam. One day. ”
He pulled me close to him and nuzzled his face in my throat. “I don’t see it, but I want to.”
“That’s another big step, baby. I fucking love you.”
“Never stop telling me that. Please.”
“Never. My last dying breath a very long time from now will be, ‘I love you, Sam.’”