18. Sarina
eighteen
sarina
The Clam Jam
Sarina Arora
[Audio Message: 14s]
Piper Menon
Oh, thank the GODDESS you’re alive! You haven’t been responding to any of my messages. You know how needy I am! And what the actual fuck is that?? Are you sleeping next to a hibernating bear and an owl backup singer?
Rani Meyer
Wait, what am I listening to?
Sarina Arora
The calming sounds of the wilderness at almost midnight. Troy is snoring in the next tent, and I think an owl has decided it’s a mating call. He keeps responding with synchronized hoots. It’s been going on for TWENTY MINUTES!
Nisha Arora
From the sound of it, the only mating happening is in Troy’s dreams.
Kavi Case
Hold up. What am I missing here? Why are you in the woods with Troy?
Piper Menon
Troy took Sarina and Rome camping with him and his daughter this weekend. Guarantee, he was hoping to make other types of mating calls in the woods, namely of the grunting and groaning kind, but our friend probably shot him down and led him to emotional exhaustion.
Bella Meyer
Whoa! Sarina and Troy took their kids camping this weekend? Didn’t see this domestic plot twist coming.
Mala Meyer
Okay, don’t freak out, but Dean just sent the audio clip to the guys.
Sarina Arora
WHAT? Mala! You’re kidding, right? Troy is going to kill me.
Rani Meyer
Is it bad that I’m giggling right now?
Mala Meyer
In my defense, I didn’t know what the sound clip was when I played it in bed with Dean next to me. He literally had tears from laughing. Before I knew it, he was forwarding it to himself from my phone.
Sarina Arora
Great. Just great. Knowing those guys, they’re probably already making memes of this.
Mala Meyer
If it helps, Dean is now layering the snoring sounds with guitar riffs and calling it “Hootie and the Snorefish”.
Sarina Arora
No, that DOES NOT help! It makes it worse! I’m never sharing anything with you again.
Mala Meyer
[GIF of woman dramatically begging for forgiveness]
Nisha Arora
Well, since we’re on the topic of sharing . . . How’s camping going? Please tell me the man has broken past your friend zone.
Piper Menon
And your redeveloped hymen.
Sarina Arora
Have I mentioned how much I hate all of you? And no, none of my zones were broken. Not really . . .
Rani Meyer
Not really?? That “. . .” is going to need a little explaining, my friend.
Kavi Case
Agreed. I sense the penetration of one of your zones.
Sarina Arora
That’s . . . not disturbing at all.
Kavi Case
It’s a talent. Anyway, you better spill, girl.
Sarina Arora
We sort of had a moment by the campfire tonight.
Piper Menon
A MOMENT? What kind of moment? Like a “he touched my heart” moment or “he diddled my clitoris” moment?
Rani Meyer
BAHAHAHA! Please elaborate if anything was “diddled”.
Sarina Arora
You guys are such pervs. We . . . almost kissed. That’s all.
Bella Meyer
What do you mean “almost”?
Sarina Arora
A drunk raccoon showed up.
Piper Menon
The fuck? Is that some sort of forest euphemism for his dick going soft?
Sarina Arora
facepalm emoji No! Like an actual drunk raccoon showed up.
Mala Meyer
Anyone else reading this conversation in David Attenborough’s voice?
Nisha Arora
Only YOU would have a drunk woodland creature cockblock you on the one night you let your guard down.
Sarina Arora
Maybe it was a sign from the universe.
Piper Menon
Oh, here we go again. The only SIGN you’ve gotten from the universe is that the man has been pitching a tent for you since Colorado. And I’m not talking about the camping kind.
Kavi Case
I agree with Piper. Fuck the whole friendship thing! Climb that baseball player like a redwood and ride him til you break him!
Mala Meyer
Speaking of riding him. I’ll have to talk to you girls later. Dean is asking for me to pony up.
Rani Meyer
Ew. I could have done without the information or imagery.
Piper Menon
Mala, want me to send you my rabbit-sex playlist? I promise it’ll only enhance the experience. Dev and I use it all the time.
Sarina Arora
Oh, God. Not the rabbit-sex playlist. I can’t listen to any of those songs without feeling remorse for what those poor rabbits endured.
Kavi Case
I’m going to regret asking, but . . . what?
Nisha Arora
Last year Piper decided her rabbits needed sex ed. She created a playlist and everything. Then, she and Dev gave them a live demo of the proper humping techniques.
Bella Meyer
Honestly, I’m speechless right now.
Piper Menon
Oh stop. Those bunnies got their PhDs in getting dicked. And speaking of getting the D, I need to get my nightly one from my husband. devil emoji, cat emoji, eggplant emoji
Mala Meyer
Sure, send the playlist over! Though, with how Dean is in bed, we probably won’t hear a thing. The man growls and grunts in ways that make me forget my own name. overheated face emoji
Bella Meyer
Gonna go exorcise my brain now.
Rani Meyer
Yup. Racking up more trauma for me to discuss with my therapist.
Nisha Arora
That’s my cue, too. But before I go, Sarina, grow a pair, sis. Mount that man and record THOSE nature sounds!
Kavi Case
And feel free to share them in the group chat!