19. Troy
nineteen
troy
Six Schlongs Hen Party
Dean Meyer
[Audio Message: 20s]
Hudson Case
What the actual hell am I listening to at ass o’clock in the morning? It sounds like a walrus humping a party horn.
Dean Meyer
It’s our boy Troy making sweet, sweet music with an owl in the woods. I just added some guitar riffs to it. Calling it “Hootie and the Snorefish”! Pretty sick, huh? I’m going to make it my ringtone for when he calls me.
Dev Menon
Has he ever called you?
Dean Meyer
No. But he could, and then I’ll have a ringtone for him.
Hudson Case
You have serious problems.
Dean Meyer
No need to feel left out, buddy. I set your ringtone to “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira after your replacement surgery.
Hudson Case
I haven’t had hip replacement surgery, asshole.
Dean Meyer
At your age, these things are right around the corner. Better to be prepared.
Garrett Meyer
Dean, where did you even get this audio? And pretty sure “making sweet, sweet music with an owl” will get you put on some kinda sex offender registry.
Dean Meyer
Mala was listening to it in the girls’ group chat. Apparently, Sarina recorded Troy and the owl going at it late last night.
Garrett Meyer
Again, bro. Phrasing, for fuck’s sake!
Troy Winters
You’ve got to be kidding me. She recorded this?!
Darian Meyer
Wait, what? Why are you in the woods with Sarina?
Dean Meyer
Obviously trying to get his dick wet, but then settled for an owl instead after she rejected him. Keep up, baby bro.
Dev Menon
They’re camping with their kids. And from what Piper told me, things were heating up between them until a drunk raccoon crashed their campsite.
Hudson Case
A what? Are you making this shit up?
Dev Menon
I wish I was, but apparently @Troy Winters has the details.
Troy Winters
This asshole raccoon literally stumbled into our campsite with a six-pack of beer last night. And then he proceeded to drink all of them like he was on spring break in Cancun. Fucker couldn’t have chosen a worse time, either. I’d finally gotten her to sit on my lap.
Garrett Meyer
[GIF of Ron Burgundy laughing] I’m sorry, bro, but that shit is funny as hell. At this point, your balls have got to be bluer than Hudson’s Viagra stash.
Hudson Case
middle finger emoji
Garrett Meyer
@Troy Winters, you think it’s about time you move on? You’re one of the fucking GOATs of baseball. Women literally throw their panties at you.
Dean Meyer
Don’t forget our man Hudson. That shit happens to him, too! Remember when we went to a dinner that one night a few years ago, and a grandma wrote her number on her Depends diaper for him?
@Hudson Case, bro, did you ever end up taking her out? Share a glass of Metamucil and discuss Medicare plans? I assume anything more than heavy petting would require proper medical supervision.
Hudson Case
Asshole. At least I don’t need a cardboard cutout of Troy to get it up each night.
Troy Winters
I’m going to regret asking, but . . . seriously?
Darian Meyer
He literally puts his arm around its waist and whispers sweet nothings in its ear.
Dean Meyer
Well, well, look who grew a pair and came out to play with the big boys today instead of exiting the group like a pussy. What’s up, Dar? Feeling relaxed after dropping your child bride off at preschool?
Darian Meyer
She’s in her twenties, jackass.
Dean Meyer
And @Troy Winters, no cutout . . . YET. Mala’s being completely unreasonable. Says it’s “weird” for me to have a life-size depiction of another man in our room. Women, am I right?
Troy Winters
Uh . . . right.
Dean Meyer
Anyway, back to the original question. Troy, why not move on from Sarina?
Troy Winters
Fuck, I would if it was that easy. I get no pleasure from keeping my dick locked in a box.
Dev Menon
Hold up. You haven’t been with anyone since her? Wasn’t that months ago?
Dean Meyer
Seriously! My dick would have shriveled up and died by now.
Troy Winters
Believe me, mine’s ready to.
Dean Meyer
You know, I think your dick imprinted on her.
Dev Menon
What?
Dean Meyer
You know, like baby ducks imprint on the first thing they see? Even if it’s a feral mongoose. They’ll fucking follow them around, all lovesick and shit, quacking “momma!”
Dev Menon
Are you suggesting Troy’s dick thinks Sarina is his momma?
Troy Winters
I swear to god, Dean. If you ever refer to my dick and my mom in the same sentence again . . .
Hudson Case
Every time I think we can’t have a more disturbing conversation, he proves me wrong.
Garrett Meyer
[GIF of Simon Cowell pinching the bridge of his nose]
Darian Meyer
Yup. This just got too weird.
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Oh, now my analogies are weird? Troy bumping uglies with an owl was totally normal, though?
Troy Winters
That’s it. I’m blocking your number.
Hudson Case
Should have done that years ago.
Dean Meyer
Can you at least sign the life-sized cutout I just ordered, Troy?
[ Troy Winters has left the chat]
[ Hudson Case has left the chat]
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dev Menon has left the chat]
[ Garrett Meyer has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
What a bunch of pussies.