32. Troy
thirty-two
troy
Six Schlongs Hen Party
Dean Meyer
[Link to ESPN article: Blazers’ Ace to Return: Troy Winters Cleans Up in Triple-A, Set to Start MLB Rotation]
Holy Shit! Did you guys see Troy’s stats from his last Triple-A start? I know he has to play in the minors as part of his rehab to get to the majors again, but sheesh! Our boy threw 85 pitches like he was playing catch with a little league team! 58 strikes and 9 strikeouts in six innings. Fucking came back new and improved!
Garrett Meyer
His fastball was in the mid-nineties, too, nearly identical to pre-surgery! You’re an inspiration, @Troy Winters!
Troy Winters
Thanks, guys. Honestly, it feels incredible to be back on the mound.
Dev Menon
You did phenomenal out there, buddy.
Darian Meyer
I caught the game, too. Seriously, nice work dominating in the minors, Troy.
Dean Meyer
Ooh! Take that as high praise coming from my baby bro, Troy. He’s an expert on impressing minors.
Darian Meyer
Fuck off. I knew that was coming.
Dean Meyer
Whoa there, bro! Practice that dirty talk on your wife when she turns of age.
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Hudson Case
Pretty sure Dean’s been crying happy tears since the Blazers announced you’re in the rotation this Saturday for your first game back, @Troy Winters. Congratulations, man! All that hard work at rehab paid off.
Dean Meyer
Not even ashamed to admit I shed a few tears. AND I already got my tickets, too! I’ll be sitting right behind home plate, wearing my Troy jammies. Don’t worry your pretty little head, Troy. Of course, I’ll proudly flash my “I’m sleeping with Troy Winters” waistband!
Troy Winters
I’d really prefer you stay home.
Dev Menon
Blazers’s fans are so ready to have you back.
Hudson Case
Heard the game is already sold out. What a year!
Troy Winters
It HAS been one hell of a year. Thirteen months, to be exact. I’m surprised I managed to get back, given how many times Sarina’s cat tried to sabotage my recovery! I went into the salon for a haircut last week, and I kid you not, Snatch jumped on my arm and ripped off my sleeve like she was doing a dramatic curtain reveal!
Dean Meyer
Looks to me like her pussy’s just trying to get you to take your clothes off and keep you in bed.
Darian Meyer
Do you realize how much I have to mute this group chat? All the conversation about cats is going to give Rani the wrong fucking idea.
Dean Meyer
And what idea is that, little bro? That we’re ACTUALLY talking about pussies? I mean . . . would she be so wrong?
Garrett Meyer
Here we go again. @Darian Meyer, you not leaving the chat?
Darian Meyer
What’s the point? He’ll add me back, anyway. I can’t fucking get away from you assholes, no matter how hard I try.
Dean Meyer
Aww. I love when he gets all vulnerable like this. I love you too, baby bro. kiss emoji
Dev Menon
Remind me again why we keep Dean around?
Dean Meyer
Because I bring LIFE to this motherfuckin’ party, that’s why!
Hudson Case
One could argue you bring the fire to this dumpster.
Dean Meyer
Speaking of crazy pussies and fuck buddies, @Troy Winters, we haven’t gotten an update on you and Sarina. Last I checked, you guys were still doing the “we’re only together until he joins the Majors” bullshit. Is that still your current Facebook relationship status?
Troy Winters
Pretty sure my current Facebook status is “being harassed by Dean Meyer”.
Dean Meyer
That’s a low expectation. The status should actually read “being harassed, stalked, and pursued by Dean Meyer”.
Troy Winters
K, leaving now.
Dean Meyer
KIDDING! I’m kidding. Buddy, who are you? Darian?
Garrett Meyer
Hate to add to the harassment, but I might have wondered the same thing. When are you going to lock it down with Sarina, @Troy Winters?
Troy Winters
Wish it was as simple as locking her down. The fucking media circus that happened in February didn’t help, either.
Dev Menon
I’d say you handled that shit pretty well.
Dean Meyer
[GIF of Maria Von Trapp spinning around in the meadows of the Austrian Alps]
Hudson Case
The hell?
Dean Meyer
Oh. My bad. I accidentally pasted one of the many GIFs I have of my dream woman, Julie Andrews, in her nun wear. I’d appreciate it if this stayed in the circle of trust, but I seriously go half-mast at the sight of her.
Hudson Case
Every day I lose a little more faith in humanity because of you.
Dev Menon
It’s a good thing I know how much you love your wife, Dean, because the fact that you likely have a folder of Julie Andrews GIFs is the least disturbing part about this.
Garrett Meyer
Nothing surprises me anymore.
Darian Meyer
I really want to leave this chat.
Dean Meyer
Oh, calm the fuck down! What I meant to post was this: [GIF of Simon Cowell clapping in approval]
I was just trying to applaud you for the Sasquatch incident. That was the most romantic gesture of this century.
Darian Meyer
Have you guys had a recent conversation, @Troy Winters? You know, about if she still thinks you going back to the MLB means the end of your relationship?
Troy Winters
No. I mean . . . not really. I haven’t asked her about it again.
Garrett Meyer
You mean, you’re both spending all this time together with your kids and you haven’t thought to circle back on the predetermined clause of your fuck-buddy agreement?
Troy Winters
Like I said, not that simple.
Dean Meyer
Translation: ‘I’m too chickenshit to ask.’ Jesus, Winters, did her pussy claw off your balls, too?
Troy Winters
You know what? Fuck all of you. Can we move onto something other than my love life? Like the fact that our resident billionaire friend is about to have a baby! @Dev Menon, you ready, man?
Hudson Case
That has to be the most desperate deflection I’ve ever witnessed.
Dean Meyer
And that’s saying a lot because, as you know, our elderly friend here has witnessed quite a lot in his 96 years.
Hudson Case
middle finger emoji
Dev Menon
As ready as I’ll ever be. Piper’s more ready than I am, though. She said if this kid doesn’t come out soon, she’s going to start doing jumping jacks. She’s trying everything in the book to induce labor.
Dean Meyer
Have you tried nipple stimulation? I swear it worked with Mala. Just pinch those babies until she’s practically shuddering.
Dev Menon
Let’s make one thing clear, Dean. If you mention ‘nipples’ and my wife in a single sentence again, I will personally make sure your Julie Andrews GIF collection and your Troy altar meets a very tragic end.
Dean Meyer
Geez, no need to choose violence, man. Didn’t realize her nips were such a trigger for you.
Hudson Case
I’d like to say I’ll miss you, buddy. But . . .
Darian Meyer
Dev seems especially quiet now. Wonder if he’s headed over to your place, Dean.
Dean Meyer
Oh, come on. No, he’s not. Are you, Dev?
Buddy?
Hello?