CHAPTER EIGHT | Ben
CHAPTER EIGHT
Ben
B en glanced at the clock on the bottom right of his computer screen for the fiftieth time since the zoom meeting with his team started. He understood the necessity for teamwork and he thought he worked well with the other designers, but where they lost him was when the meeting devolved into everyone’s plans for the weekend or the latest office gossip. Ben just wanted to get back to coding so he could finish his work on time. He loved his job, but he also didn’t want that to be the only thing he lived for, at least, not anymore.
His life had fallen into a rut. It wasn’t the routine that bothered him, but the lack of something more . Ben wasn’t a fool to think he could transform into a completely different person, an extrovert who embraced spontaneity, but he could try to go out more and be around other people. After going to the farm with his mom, he realized he’d been craving the company of others for longer than he thought. Or is it really Holly whose company you crave? Ben smiled as he remembered his time with the beautiful woman in her apartment, and while he could try to tell himself anyone would have made him feel the same, that would be a lie.
“Oh, it looks like Ben has some big plans for this weekend if that smile is anything to go by,” John said boisterously. His coworker’s comment pulled Ben from his reverie and back to the meeting.
“Yea,” Kelly, another programmer, added. “I think that’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him, and I was there on the day they announced he was designer of the month. What are your big plans, Ben?”
Ben shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with being the focus of the conversation. He scratched the back of his neck, the skin hot and tight. “Um, nothing really. Just the usual stuff.”
“Are you sure? It almost looked like you were planning to do something you might enjoy for once.” Ben scowled automatically at John’s comment and the man held up his hands in surrender. “Uh-oh, the frown is back. I was just teasing, man.”
Ben shook his head and tried to change the subject to anything that wasn’t related to him. “Anyway, do you guys know if the character development team for the expansion needs any help with their designs? I was talking to a friend, and she mentioned that it would be nice to have female characters be a little less damsel in distress and a little more warrior princess.” Ben hadn’t planned on bringing up Holly’s idea, but it had a lot of merit and she’d been on his mind so often over the last week that he felt compelled to do it.
“Don’t even get me started on that, Ben. I’ve been saying the same thing forever, but Camelot Games still refuses to acknowledge the presence of female gamers as a serious demographic,” Kelly griped before sighing heavily. “I think they’re already finished with all the character design for this expansion, but maybe next time.” Ben nodded his thanks and the conversation moved onto everyone’s assigned tasks and deadlines. As the meeting wrapped up, he got a chat message from Kelly.
Kelly: Stay on after the meeting. I have an idea.
Ben narrowed his eyes at the message. Was that really meant for me? He replied with an “ok,” and nodded to the rest of the team as they all signed off from the zoom meeting except for Kelly. “Did you want to talk to me?”
She laughed at him and nodded, her bright purple hair bobbing up and down along with her head. “Obviously. I wanted to talk to you about an idea I had, but I didn’t want to go over it with the whole team.”
Ben hesitated, a sinking feeling creeping into his stomach. No one ever requested a one-on-one chat with him. Clearing his throat, he grabbed the Pac-Man stress ball his mom had put in his Christmas stocking this past year, inhaling slowly and squeezing the ball as hard as he could. Veins in his hands rolled and popped as he continued to crush the spongey ball, but the toy had started to do its job. Ben leaned back in his chair, letting the tension seep out of his body.
As he exhaled, he felt a little better, but only just. “Okay. What’s your idea?”
Kelly looked to her left and right as if someone from the office would overhear her, even though she was in her own home, and leaned forward toward the camera. “Well, I have this really great idea for a game. I can send you the file with all my designs and some rough code, but basically, it’s an open world game that would take place in the Norman period in England. There are fantasy elements to it as well, with fairies and monsters and the big baddie is this malevolent force that has captured the main city and forced everyone in it into a deep slumber so he could control the realm. The goal is to defeat the big bad and wake the castle, specifically the prince who would be king since his father was killed during the takeover.”
Ben nodded at the Sleeping Beauty retelling, intrigued by the idea. “That sounds pretty cool, but I’m a little confused as to why you wanted to talk to me about it.” He wasn’t exactly known for being the guy you confide in with pretty much anything that wasn’t related to their current project, and even then, he was probably the last person anyone would go to.
Kelly flicked at the screen, annoyed but smiling. “Because the main protagonist is a female knight, and since you brought it up just now, I thought you would want to help me.” She sat back in her chair and shrugged a shoulder. “Besides, we all know you’re the best when it comes to world building, and you code hella fast.”
Ben sat back, surprised at her assessment of his skills and thankful his chair was there to keep him from falling to the floor. “Huh. I didn’t know you guys thought that.” Maybe he should talk to his coworkers more often than he was mandated to. They might not think he was as disagreeable as he thought they did.
Kelly snorted. “Oh, you’re definitely disagreeable, but we still like you and you should definitely talk to us more.”
Shit . Ben hadn’t realized he said that last part out loud and squeezed the crap out of Pac-Man to help quell his embarrassment. “Uh, yea. I’ll do that.” He stared at his screen, wondering exactly what it was she wanted from him and whether or not he could calm his anxiety long enough to do it. “So, you want me to help you with the designs so you can pitch it for development?”
“Yes, and then if they go ahead with it, I want you to head up the world design team.” Ben studied her face, waiting for her to crack a smile at the obvious joke, but it never happened.
Ben scoffed, his voice threaded with the anxiety that was building back up in his body. “Are you serious? I can’t head up a team.” He could barely get up the nerve to talk with his coworkers now. How would he manage to do it if he was essentially the one in charge of them?
Kelly rolled her eyes at his panicked admission. “Yes, you can. You may not realize it, but you’re kind of our de facto leader now. Just because you don’t talk to us about personal stuff or ask how we are doing or anything like that doesn’t change the fact that anytime any of us has a question about the job, we all come to you.”
“Really?” Ben hadn’t noticed them coming to him for much. He thought they all just chatted with each other while he put his head down and got the job done.
“Open your teams chat and see, dummy.” Kelly rolled her eyes again, but her smile displaced Ben’s worry over what she’d been thinking.
Ben did as she asked and scrolled through the various instant messages between him and his coworkers. His name was almost totally absent from the chats titled happy hour and funny memes , but the individual conversations with his coworkers were numerous and each contained a bunch of questions posed to him with his curt, but accurate responses.
“Huh.” He may not enjoy conversing on everyday topics, but it turned out he was able to talk to his coworkers about anything related to their job.
Kelly’s smile widened at his finally realizing what she’d seen as obvious. “See. You aren’t totally inept when it comes to dealing with other people.”
“I hadn’t thought I was,” he lied. Ben had totally thought that, and to find out he wasn’t was a pleasant surprise, though it was a bit unsettling to realize that other people might not view you the way you thought they did. Between this and his interest in Holly, Ben felt like he was unrecognizable from the person he was a month ago, and yet he wasn’t as bothered by it as he expected.
“Sure,” she said knowingly. “So, you’ll help me? I really think this is a good idea and a lot of my gamer friends want a strong, female protagonist. Even my guy gamer friends said they would play it.”
Ben took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, wondering if he was making a mistake yet feeling the urge to do it anyway. “O-okay,” he stuttered out before he could change his mind. “But I don’t have a ton of extra time to devote to this, just so you know.”
Kelly waved her hand to dismiss his comment. “Not a problem. I just need a little tweaking to what I’ve already done.” She smirked and tossed her purple hair over her shoulder. “The real work will come after they greenlight the project. I’ll email my files and we’ll talk later. Thanks, Ben,” she exclaimed before abruptly signing off of the call, probably so he wouldn’t have a chance to change his mind.
Ben got back to coding, but not two seconds later, he had a message from Kelly with the files she mentioned. As he clicked through the incredible looking design sketches, his brain fired off ideas for how to expand on her vision of the world for the game. He could already picture it in his mind’s eye, and he felt a flutter in his chest, both from the excitement of the game potential and from the anxiety at having to possibly head up a design team. He might have to go into the office once a month instead of every three or so, but he could live with that. Most of his work would still be done remotely and his interactions still via chat or email, and other than the occasional meeting, not much would change. He would be nervous as hell the entire time, but he could get through it. Probably . Maybe?
Ben slumped down in his chair, second thoughts about the whole thing creeping into his brain. It was so hard to believe that his coworkers actually saw him as something more than just a gruff jerk, but Kelly said they did, and he had the chat receipts to prove it. The more he thought about it, the more he really liked the idea of being the one in charge of the world building for a game, of having more direct input instead of just following someone else’s orders. He also wanted to throw up a little bit at the thought of it, but his excitement overrode his nausea, at least for the moment. Ben was still lost in the fantasy world the design sketches set up for him when his phone pinged with a text notification from his mom.
Mom: My double root canal is running long. Do you think you could meet Holly at the flower shop?
Ben’s heart raced at the thought of seeing Holly again, and before he could chicken out, he typed out a message in the affirmative and signed out of his computer, grateful for his flexible work hours. Twenty minutes later, Ben pushed his way into Best Buds, panting his breath from sprinting down the sidewalk at a breakneck pace. He often walked quickly, always trying to outrun the anxiety that flooded his system at the thought of being late or having to be out longer than necessary, but this afternoon felt like he’d been running toward something— someone.
That someone was currently standing near the side of the shop, looking like every dream he never dared to have and the beautiful blossoms she was surrounded with paling in comparison. Light coming in from the window next to her gave off a halo effect, making her look even more angelic than she normally did as she brought a pink flower up to her face and inhaled, her expression peaceful.
Ben wasn’t sure how long he stared at Holly, studying the curve of her cheek, the fullness of her lips, or the way she smiled at the bloom in her hand, but it had been long enough that an older man nearby started to give him some serious side-eye. “Can I help you, son?”
Ben sputtered, embarrassed at being caught staring. “Um, flowers?” Rolling his eyes at himself, he tried again. “I’m here to pick out flowers.”
“I’ve got this, Mr. Leary.” Holly’s bright voice hit a calming switch, healing his battered nervous system ever so slightly. The older man nodded at Holly, her word seemingly enough to give Ben a pass. Smiling shyly, Holly made her way over to him, the hypnotic sway of her hips putting him into a trance. When she was mere inches in front of him, he could see the blue of her eyes alight with keen interest. “Peony?”
The pink flower she’d been admiring moments ago found its way under his nose. “Um, is that what my mom picked?” The light, sweet scent was lovely, and familiar. Ben was tempted to lean into Holly’s neck to see just how similar hers was to the flower in her hand, but refrained.
A slender shoulder encased in another light blue sweater bobbed slightly. “No, this one is just my favorite.” She walked back to the basin and replaced the flower, gesturing for Ben to follow her around the store. “Your mom said we should take a look around until she can get here.”
Holly walked from one planter to another, explaining what each flower was and what they represented: red roses for passionate love and romance, white lilies for beauty and purity, and buttercups for charm and affection. By the time they’d made it all the way back to their starting point, Ben knew more about flowers than he’d ever imagined he would, but instead of brain dumping it all, he filed it away for later. Holly had taken the time to educate him, and if it was important to her, it was suddenly important to him.
Holly reverently touched the pink flower she’d originally showed him, a wistful expression on her face. Ben shifted closer to her. “And what do your favorite flowers represent?” He wasn’t sure his brain could handle one more flower-related fact, but he made room. Holly seemed to merrily live her life as an open book, but he knew there was more to her than what she presented to the world and wanted to uncover every fascinating detail.
“Like most flowers, Peonies represent romance and love, but it’s less about passion or attraction and more about an enduring emotional bond.” Reaching out, she seemed to gently run her fingertips over the petals, but never actually touched them, as if the bond she spoke of was out of reach, even for her.
Ben grabbed the largest blossom of the bunch and handed it to her. Holly took it, her smile looking nearly identical to the one she’d just been wearing, but he could see the difference. It was brighter, yes, but also less burdened somehow, and he couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride at having helped lighten whatever load she’d been carrying. Holly raised her brow in silent question, but he had no meaningful answer for her.
“I just wanted you to have it,” he confessed.
Ducking to hide his smile, Ben walked over to the man giving him side-eye earlier, sliding some cash across the counter as he watched Holly from the corner of his eye. Her expression was no longer wistful, but hopeful, and he would have given anything to know what she was thinking about in that moment. A buzzing came from his pocket, and it took every ounce of strength he had to wrestle his eyes from her to check his phone.
Mom: Not going to make it to the flower shop. Will text Holly to reschedule. Sorry, Benny.
His mom may be sorry, but Ben wanted to get her clients name and send whoever had their teeth causing so much trouble a dozen of the flowers Holly still held in her hand. Sure enough, her phone pinged and she glanced at what was likely his mom’s text, not looking all that bothered by her client’s cancellation. In fact, as her eyes met his once again, she looked almost grateful.
Surging with a renewed sense of hope that this woman could be his, even if only for a moment Ben did something he never did anymore. He took a chance. “Would you like to grab a coffee?”
Holly beamed at him before her face fell into a frustrated pout, one that was almost adorable enough to soften the blow he knew was coming. “I have to meet another client for her dress alterations.” Gnawing on her lower lip, she searched his eyes, her own reflecting the most beautiful shade of blue. “You could walk me? I mean, if you’re interested.”
Ben nodded and held out his arm, the gentlemanly gesture completely unpracticed and taking him by surprise. “I’m definitely interested.”
The cool weather hitting his face was refreshing in light of how warm he felt anytime he was around Holly. It came from attraction, yes, but also from her personality. Being with her was like lying on the beach in late spring, warm and comforting. He hadn’t felt that in so long it had taken him until now to realize just how much he’d been needing it.
They navigated the sidewalks easily. It was as if the people passing them knew to go around, to not even attempt to part the pair walking so closely together. They didn’t speak much, but every few seconds their eyes would meet before they both turned away, a shy smile on his face and pink on the apples of her cheeks. It felt incredibly old-fashioned but was completely perfect, Ben never once feeling uneasy or forced to make conversation. The silence between them was comfortable, almost cozy, and he could already picture the same silence hanging between them as they read together on a sofa, relaxed on a picnic blanket, or lay in bed at night. The images in his mind brought a feeling of serenity over his body, one so complete that he felt a sharp pain at the loss of it when Holly pulled away.
“This is my stop.” She nodded to the bridal shop, a very impatient looking woman glaring at the two of them from behind the window. “Thanks for walking me. It was...”
Ben nodded, right there with her in a loss for words to describe something so simple, yet so beautiful. “It was,” he agreed, smiling at the understanding in her eyes.
Holly backed up a step, but he followed, pulled by some invisible tether. “I’ll see you for the tasting tomorrow. Right?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” With a small wave, Holly disappeared into the shop.
Ben watched from outside as she put on her trademark smile and greeted the already harried bride-to-be, impressed with her people skills. If he was going to make a bigger move than asking her to coffee, he needed to work on his own. He rubbed his hand down his face in frustration. For the first time in a long while, Ben truly cared what another person thought of him, and just like the prospect of socializing more often, it was both exciting and terrifying. Hopefully, he would make it through to the other side without driving anyone away, specifically the woman with eyes his new favorite shade of blue.