Chapter 4
–––––
Dominic
The new role changed my life in ways I never anticipated. Of course, I had been working toward it, but I didn’t expect to land the lead role and play Hamlet right away.
Rehearsals started the next day, and I was faced with a schedule that forced me to cut back on my job at the strip club and also reschedule my therapy appointments.
“I understand that you’d like to stay busy seven days a week,” Dr. Bachmann said toward the end of our session as we discussed my daily routines. “But it’s important to give yourself at least one, preferably two, days off.”
I frowned. “The rehearsals are happening during the week, from Tuesday to Friday.”
“And what about your other job?”
“I’ve set it up so that I work every other Friday and sometimes on Saturdays.”
“That means you have Sunday and Monday off. That’s good.” Dr. Bachmann jotted down a note and smiled warmly at me. “You’ve made a lot of progress in the past few months. Do you think that abstaining from sex has been helping you?”
I picked at my thumb and nodded. “I think so. It helps me focus on my routines. Gives me permission not to worry about the fact that nothing works down there anymore.”
Dr. Bachmann smiled again. “It sounds like you no longer believe everything down there is functioning.”
“It’s not.”
“I’m sorry to contradict you for the hundredth time, but it is.
You’ve had extreme sexual experiences, which you intensified with drugs.
It’s normal that your sexual arousal and function are affected.
If abstaining from sex helps, that’s fine.
” Bachmann paused and scrutinized me. “You were trained as an actor to be aware of your surroundings. Use that skill and try to focus on touch.”
I hesitantly rubbed my forearm, unable to get the image of Kilian out of my head from last Friday when he had flirted with me in that nook under the stairs.
Shit! I had enjoyed it, and I wouldn’t have been opposed to going further with the guy. But knowing it was pointless was just frustrating.
“Judging by your expression, I assume you had an encounter like that recently,” Dr. Bachmann observed.
“Not exactly,” I murmured. Although Kilian had gotten close to me, he hardly touched me.
He had traced his finger over my neck because he had seen my pulse there, and his thigh against my groin hadn’t been nothing either.
“It was kind of exciting,” I continued. “In a way, but that probably had to do with the whole situation.”
“Your body has been overstimulated for a long time. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel desire or still get aroused. Give yourself time to return to normal. The main thing is avoiding a relapse.”
“Hmm …”
Bachmann had no idea how often I thought back to the parties where I could let go completely—at least, until that fateful day that changed everything.
The overturned chair on the shiny white ceramic floor still lingered in my mind, sending a cold shiver down my spine.
A glance at the clock above the entrance confirmed our time was up. I said goodbye to Dr. Bachmann and headed out. Since I couldn’t reschedule, I had to leave the rehearsal early. It was over by then anyway, so I hopped on the bus and was home by five.
“Hey!” I called, knowing that Nico, my roommate, was around.
He had devoted himself entirely to writing, turning his room into an office, while he usually spent the night at Hector’s city apartment.
The door was ajar, so I gave it a push. As expected, Nico was sitting at his desk, typing away at lightning speed.
“Hey!” he said, focusing on his screen as he finished his sentence before turning his head in my direction.
I crossed my arms and grinned. “Let me guess. You haven’t moved an inch since I left this morning.”
“Shit, is the day already over?” he asked, confused.
“You still look like you just rolled out of bed.”
Embarrassed, Nico patted his head, realizing his blond strands were sticking out in all directions. He grabbed a hair tie and tied his hair into a bun. “Shit … I feel like I just sat down.” He stood up from his chair and stretched. “What’s the plan?”
“Walk.”
“Okay!”
It hadn’t been Nico’s idea to accompany me on my scheduled free time activities. Two weeks ago, Hector had forced me to drag Nico along everywhere—whether he liked it or not. I didn’t mind. When Nico was working on a book, he forgot everything else—like eating, drinking, or sleeping.
While Nico finally got moving and jumped into the shower for a quick rinse, I unloaded the dishwasher and tidied up the kitchen. Given that my roommate had been floating on cloud nine, most of the cleaning was on me. Fortunately, Nico was so absorbed in his novel that he didn’t mind a little mess.
Before long, we were walking in the most beautiful spring weather through the nearby forest. I loved being in nature.
It was the only way I could really center myself.
It wasn’t just because of the soft forest floor beneath my feet that grounded me, but also the birdsong and the resinous scent of the trees.
“Tell me how everything is going at the theater,” Nico prompted.
“I’ve only officially been there since Tuesday.”
“So what? Today is Thursday. There’s probably something worth sharing by now.”
The first thing that came to mind was, of course, Kilian, but I was the one who had told Nico never to mention anything related to sex.
I could have just told him about the lighting designer who had left an impression on me, but every thought of Kilian led me to some moment where he smiled at me seductively or winked. Kilian was, therefore, at the top of my forbidden sex list.
“We’re rehearsing,” I said. “And yesterday, I signed the contract. I’m officially hired at the theater now.”
“That’s so cool!” Nico gushed, taking a deep breath of the fresh air he had probably missed out on all day. “And the people there? What are they like?”
“Great! It kind of feels like everyone is one big family. Half of the actors who are in Hamlet also perform in other plays. Vanja, Eliah, and I are the newcomers.”
“Who are they playing?”
“Vanja’s playing Ophelia, and Eliah’s playing Horatio.”
“I’ve got to come to a rehearsal sometime. Is that possible?”
Surprised, I turned to face Nico, who was looking at me with wide eyes and an eager expression.
“I think so,” I said as I studied my roommate more closely. “Oh, oh! You’ve written a play and want to sneak it to the director, right?”
“Of course! Damn, man! You know me too well!”
I burst out laughing. “When did you have the time to do that?”
“Last week. I suddenly felt inspired, so I just wrote it down.”
“Just wrote it down? How long is it?”
“Not long. I guess if it were performed, it would be about two hours.”
“You’re crazy!”
“Ain’t we all?”
I scoffed at his question as my thoughts drifted back to Kilian.
When I first met him last Friday, I sensed something was off.
On Monday, he seemed relatively put together, but when we talked in the hallway, I could still see it—the darkness lurking deep in his eyes, which he tried to cover up with an irresistibly charming smile.
I promised myself to concentrate on my work, and I had done pretty well with that over the past two days.
Kilian had been busy with his lighting plan, and every time I saw him from afar, he was yawning and appeared sleep-deprived.
It wasn’t until today that he seemed to be recovering, and when we unexpectedly crossed paths backstage, he greeted me with his usual directness.
“Want to grab lunch together?”
For a split second, I considered saying yes, but then I remembered my other resolution: Kilian won’t get what he wants—at least not from me.
“I need to rehearse my lines,” I lied as an excuse.
“You know you’ll be left in the dark if I lose interest in you,” he said.
I couldn’t help but laugh at that comment.
“Who are you thinking about?” Nico asked out of nowhere.
“What?”
“I can tell you’re thinking about someone. Man or woman?”
Taking a deep breath, I pushed the thoughts of Kilian aside and shook my head thoughtfully. “We’ve been over this. No discussions about—”
“This has nothing to do with sex.”
“Your tone was pretty … well, let’s just say it’s ambiguous.”
“Oh man! Come on! You’re hiding something from me! Or better yet, someone. I want to know! You’re my best friend. Is it someone at the theater?”
“Stop it,” I grumbled. “I’m serious about these three months. It’s important to me.”
“It has to do with sex,” Nico exclaimed. “That’s cool! You’re slowly coming out of your shell.”
I bit my tongue, because everything I was about to reveal would only point to Kilian. That bastard was pulling me out of my cave when I still had until mid-July to deal with my issues. And it was only the end of May!
For a while, silence fell between us, and I cursed Kilian for sneaking into my thoughts again. There was something about him that wouldn’t let go, and it frustrated me that I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.
Definitely not his eyes. Even though I was lying to myself, I’d never admit that I liked his dark, intense gaze.
And certainly not his massive ego. That was just annoying.
Maybe his fashion sense? I had to give it to him—he had style.
The way he broke up his otherwise polished look with worn-out sneakers was something I liked.
When I went into the workshop on Tuesday to grab a hammer for a prop, I spotted Kilian intently focused in front of a computer.
With his glasses on, he looked seriously hot.
When he took them off and rubbed his weary eyes with his free hand, I immediately averted my gaze away from him.
“Are you working tomorrow night?” Nico asked, playing with a branch he had picked up during our walk.
“No. We have rehearsal until four, then I have …”—I didn’t like the sound of this—“the night off until Saturday evening.” I couldn’t bring myself to be happy about it.
“Hector and I are going to an opening day tomorrow. You should come with us. It’ll probably be fun.”
“Fun?” I chuckled. “Sorry, but it’s hard for me to associate ‘fun’ with Hector.”
“He’s really into bizarre art, and there’s a young artist exhibiting there whose painting he already owns. Plus, his—well, ‘roommate’ isn’t the right term—I don’t know, the guy who lives with him and his boyfriend will be there too. They’re nice. It won’t be boring.”
“An exhibition?” I thought out loud. “It’s been a while since I’ve been to one.”
“Same here,” Nico said. “I’m not even sure if I’ve ever been to one. Does the art show in fifth grade count?”
“No.”
“Well, then I guess this will be my first,” Nico said with a shrug. “Please! Come with us! You get along with Hector, don’t you?”
“I thought I did—at least until I took the money out of his pocket at the last poker night. I saw it in his eyes. He’s plotting revenge.”
We both laughed, and I enjoyed the time with Nico. He knew almost everything about me, and since the chemsex stuff had happened, I had nothing left to hide from him. I was surprised he was still my best friend. With him, I didn’t need to wear a mask or play it cool, like I often did with others.
“He likes you,” Nico said. “Maybe because he’s into Mick Jagger too. I don’t know.”
“Probably more because I’m playing the babysitter while he works.”
“You’re just doing your part until we’re square,” he shot back.
“Haha,” I said, without much humor, but a satisfied smile played on my lips. “Fine, I’m in. Maybe I’ll get some info I can use against Hector later if he tries to destroy me with his fire-breathing gaze again.”
“He’s just a sore loser—no big surprise for a lawyer.” Nico’s face practically glowed with happiness. It was so obvious how much he loved Hector.
I wondered if I would ever fall in love again. The last time, I’d only thought I was in love, but the way Gian had ended it had knocked me back down to earth.
I pushed those thoughts aside and took another deep breath.
You don’t have to do this, I told myself. You’re allowed not to think about the past.