Chapter 23
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Dominic
I could barely sleep, tossing and turning all night. Running into Livio had flipped a switch inside me, and every part of me was desperate to go to that party tonight. Even though I knew it wasn’t the right choice.
Damn it! Everything Kilian said about Livio was true.
I’d called Kilian crazy, but I was the one acting completely irrational—ever since I’d stepped off the stage and realized who that journalist really was. Livio had me trapped in his web like a spider, and I’d taken out my frustration on Kilian.
Not that I didn’t stand by what I’d said, but I knew I’d crossed a line. He’d warned me before not to call him crazy—back then, at Red. Normally, I was someone who respected boundaries, but this time, I’d used his weakness against him just to get myself off the hook.
I deserved that punch.
If you look at it that way, we were even.
I wondered if Kilian had ever forgiven me for the time I punched him outside Red.
Shit! This wasn’t like me at all.
But here I was, standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, feeling completely out of sorts. There was a war raging in my head, and I wanted both sides to win. Worst of all, I was painfully aware of how ungrateful I’d been toward Kilian.
I wanted to call him or, better yet, just show up at his place, apologize, and talk it out. But the demon inside me had woken up. It wanted sex—raw, rough sex—and it wanted it twenty-four hours a day.
What a goddamn idiot I was.
I should’ve told Kilian a long time ago that last year I’d lost control, that sex had become my entire life, and I’d slept with more men than he could probably imagine.
Even though I knew how important it was to let the people close to me in on that truth, I hadn’t been able to do it with Kilian. From his perspective, what happened at Red or at the wedding party had probably just been about having fun and getting me off.
For me, though, it had been a revelation. I’d had an erection, an orgasm, a release. Just thinking about it nearly brought me to tears. I’d stopped believing it was possible.
Kilian had proven me wrong.
It was possible.
If I’d had the guts to tell him about the chemsex parties, he might have been able to see the bigger picture and understand my attempt at celibacy. But instead, I’d set him up for failure and now secretly blamed him for triggering my desires.
Yeah, it had been fun.
Way too much fun!
Fun I definitely shouldn’t have allowed myself to have yet. I’d been weak, na?ve, and I’d thought, “One time doesn’t count.”
How could I have believed that I’d go back to celibacy after that night in the playroom? I wasn’t a monk, and I never would be.
When I woke up this morning with a hard-on, my emotions were already so tangled I couldn’t even be happy about it.
I’d acted like a total asshole toward Kilian, and the self-loathing was burning like acid in my veins.
My pulse raced as I tried to figure out how to fix the situation.
I wanted to see Kilian, to apologize, to tell him the truth.
The whole truth.
But that demon inside me—Mr. Hyde—was relentless, whispering in the back of my mind—Go to Livio. He’ll give you what you need.
Livio didn’t know I’d cleaned up. I wasn’t even sure if he’d known my ex Gian. But after Gian’s suicide, my life had taken a radical turn.
I’d shut myself off from reality. Before, I’d been functional from Tuesday to Friday, leading a more or less regular life.
After Gian’s death, I spiraled even further into a haze of sex and drugs.
The shame after each hookup became so unbearable that I just took more drugs.
But those didn’t fill my craving for affection, so I’d grab the next guy who offered himself.
The downward spiral continued until one day I had a complete breakdown in my kitchen.
Nico had seen how far gone I was and helped me get back on my feet.
The first thing he did was take my phone and make sure I got a new number.
He then set me up on an appointment with a therapist, which eventually led to rehab—not that the substances were the real problem.
It was the sex withdrawal that tore me apart.
I’d had to face the hard truth: I was addicted to sex.
That’s why I’d been trying to live a celibate life.
Ugh.
I spat into the sink and rinsed my toothbrush. My hard-on was gone, and I wondered if I could get it back up with some coke.
It might be worth a try, I thought as I left the bathroom, lost in thought.
It was nine o’clock, and I got ready to head to the script reading. Thankfully, Nico wasn’t home. With my asshole tendencies, he would’ve seen right through me—my last breakdown had left a lasting impression.
I would never let it get that far again.
The fact that I was already heading down the same road was something I shoved aside. I was great at lying to myself—and even better at lying to everyone else. I was an actor, for God’s sake! I could be whoever I wanted.
Or could I?
Tonight, I wanted to be the guy with a hard-on that lasted all night.
Was that even possible?
What was so wrong with that?
This dry spell of mine had gone on way too long.
I pushed aside the guilt that I was betraying Kilian. Besides, after the way I’d behaved yesterday, I was sure he wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
God, I’d practically broken up with him! And we weren’t even together.
Or were we?
Just because we’d spent last week watching TV like some married couple, with his head in my lap, didn’t mean anything.
Right?
He’d been acting strange.
If I wasn’t mistaken, it was clearly a depressive phase. But just like me, he wasn’t talking about it. In that sense, it was probably for the best that I ended whatever it was between us early—because it wouldn’t have had a future anyway.
It still surprised me how he’d managed to get me to open up to him. The guy had been persistent.
When a smile crept onto my lips, I stopped myself immediately.
There’s nothing to smile about, I scolded myself as I stood fully dressed in the middle of my room. The guy’s just not quite right. That’s all.
The truth that I found him even more endearing because of it was something I tried to ignore.
My pride refused to admit that Kilian was the first person in a long time to get me to climax.
Yeah, it’s better to take my frustration out on Kilian and keep him at arm’s length before it’s too late. Damn it! As soon as he finds out the truth about me, he’ll run far, far away.
No! I’ll talk to him. Maybe he’ll listen. Maybe he’ll understand. Even if he doesn’t want anything to do with me afterward, at least I’ll have tried.
Feeling a mix of emotions, I headed to rehearsal.
While Kilian was in the building, he was elusive.
Once, I saw his silhouette in the control room.
Another time, I spotted him from a distance, making his way toward the workshop.
Then, while we were rehearsing a scene on stage, I glanced up and saw him on the third balcony, chatting with Tim.
The afternoon wasn’t any better. And even though I could see how busy he was, I still wondered if he was avoiding me. Sure, I’d told him to leave me alone, but I hadn’t expected him to actually follow through.
I stayed at the theater until six since I had to meet with Sibylle after rehearsal to try on costumes. On my way out, I passed the terrace and stopped near an open window.
Kilian was standing there, smoking with Sebastian and Jacob, blowing smoke into the air and laughing at something Sebastian had said.
He dragged on the cigarette like a chain smoker, though it looked completely out of place in his hand.
His smile was genuine and did a good job of masking the nervous habit he had with his hand again—where he ran his thumb up and down, bending each finger one by one.
I hesitated, wondering if this was the right moment to apologize to him. Just then, I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket and checked my messages.
“Open House tonight starting at 7 – Livio.”
That one sentence had a magical effect, wiping everything in my brain into a thick fog. Like I was hypnotized, I shoved the phone back into my pocket and left the theater.
Tonight, I wanted to be the guy with a raging hard-on, melting away in lust and desire for one entire night.