Chapter 24
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Kilian
“Well, fine, I’m an asshole,” I said with a laugh. “But he wasn’t exactly nice either.”
“It’s still up to you to apologize,” Sebastian suggested.
“For what?”
“Seriously, dude. You hit the guy, and judging by the way he reacted … I thought you two got along well. At my wedding party, it looked like you were a couple.”
“He told me to stay away from him.”
“As if you’d ever listen to something like that,” Jacob commented with a laugh.
“Tell me,” Sebastian said, nudging me with his shoulder, “is something going on between you two?”
“He ignored me all day.”
“Then you didn’t see the way he was looking at you when you were busy,” Jacob said dryly.
Shaking my head, I crushed the cigarette in the ashtray. For God’s sake! I didn’t even know what was going on between us.
Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a shadow—inside, in the hallway—and turned my head, but it was already gone.
“Was that Dominic just now?” I asked, gesturing toward the open window.
“No idea,” Sebastian replied with a shrug. “Could’ve been.”
“See you later,” I said and quickly chased after the ghost.
I knew Dominic was still in the costume fitting and planned to catch up with him right after my smoke break. If he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, fine. But did he really think I would just go along with that kind of crap?
The guy dumped me as if we were a couple.
He called me crazy, even though he was the one acting totally irrational.
Did I hold that against him? No!
I was just shocked at the effect this Livio guy seemed to have on him. That kind of thing wasn’t normal anymore.
I hurried down the hallway toward the stairs.
When I got there, I saw Dominic just as he was leaving the theater through the main entrance.
A performance was about to start, and wine was already being served to the audience in the foyer.
I couldn’t very well shout through the entire lobby.
So, I ran down the stairs and followed him outside onto the street.
Unfortunately, I only managed to see Dominic board a bus and drive away.
Fuck!
Now what?
Is he going to that Livio guy?
What the hell kind of party was this supposed to be, anyway?
I threw my arms into the air, feeling exasperated, and turned back toward the theater. The show was set to start in ninety minutes. My plan had been to talk to Dominic, and if things went well, maybe grab something to eat with him before the show.
I reached for my phone and called Tim’s number.
“Yo!” he answered.
“Are you still in the building?”
“Nope. I’m on the train to Bern.”
“Fuck!”
Without saying goodbye, I hung up, swallowed my pride, and opened the chat with Dominic.
“Where are you going?” I typed. “I thought we could talk.”
The guy didn’t think it was necessary to answer me, even though I could see he’d read the message.
“Are you seriously choosing Livio over me?” I wrote again.
The three dots appeared, then disappeared, then reappeared—but no text popped up.
What the fuck?
He was on his way to Livio’s, I was sure of it. And I had no choice but to get through the performance first.
So that’s what I did, and I managed it pretty well.
But as soon as we hit the break, I called Alex, the photographer.
He knew Livio and would probably know where to find the guy.
Plus, Alex and Dominic had talked for a long time after the art show.
They knew each other from somewhere and clearly shared a secret.
Alex didn’t answer, and the call went to voicemail, so I hung up and sent him a message.
“Where does Livio live?”
Of course, Alex called me back just as we were in the middle of the second act. I would’ve loved to pick up, but with my overstimulated brain, multitasking was out of the question. I could read his message, though.
“What do you want with him?”
“To kill him,” I replied during a quiet moment.
“Dude, what happened? Does this have to do with Dominic?”
I glared at my phone, my face twisting in confusion. How the hell did Alex jump from Livio to Dominic?
“What do you know?” I typed quickly.
“You should come over.”
“I won’t get out of here until 11:30.”
He just sent a thumbs-up.
The second half of the show felt like being stuck in traffic. I wanted to scream at the actors to pick up the pace and perform faster. Time had never dragged this much. At 11 p.m., the show finally ended, and I called Sebastian on the walkie-talkie, asking him to turn off the lights for me.
“Did you talk to Dominic?” was his only response.
“I’m doing that now,” I replied firmly.
“Okay. I’m shutting it down.”
I threw on my leather jacket, grabbed my stuff, rushed to the garage, and hopped onto my motorcycle.
Alex lived across town in Puls 5. After we’d met at the theater, I’d done a light installation there shortly after, and he’d invited me over for a beer once.
At exactly 11:30, I was standing at his door, ringing the bell.
Alex opened the door. “Hey, come in. You okay?”
“Depends on how you look at it,” I said grimly. I was here to get some answers, after all.
He closed the door behind me and guided me into the living room.
I liked the warm lighting that created a cozy atmosphere in the room, with its bare concrete walls and black-and-white photographs.
Noé sat on the black leather couch, scrolling through Netflix, which was projected onto a screen by a beamer.
“Hey,” he greeted me.
I nodded at him briefly, then turned back to Alex. “Well? What’ve you got for me?”
Alex smiled and headed to the kitchen. “Want something to drink?”
“No. I want to know where to find Livio and why you linked him to Dominic.”
The usual calm demeanor Alex radiated was disrupted by the way he adjusted his glasses and ruffled his brown hair. “Livio,” he said, sighing with reluctance, as though he was carefully considering how to approach the topic.
“He was at the theater on Thursday, talking to Dominic. They clearly knew each other. Since then, Dominic’s been acting completely out of control.”
“Did he go to Livio’s party?”
“Probably. He was invited, at least.”
“Shit,” Alex muttered. “That’s not good. Have you tried reaching Dominic?”
“He’s ignoring me! Now tell me what’s going on! You two clearly have some kind of connection. How do you know each other?”
“From Livio’s parties,” Alex said with a shrug. “Well, I only met him there once. That was my last night at a party like that. It took Dominic a little longer to pull away.”
“Pull away? What are you talking about?”
“Livio hosts chemsex parties.”
“What’s that?”
“Parties where people get high on drugs and have sex.”
I froze and stared at Alex for a moment, my jaw slowly dropping. “This … is a joke, right?”
“I wish it were,” Alex replied, rubbing his arms as though he were cold. “Listen, I spoke to Dominic. I told him to reach out to me if he wanted to talk. I don’t know what happened, but I’m not surprised he—Livio has this thing about him.”
A disbelieving scoff escaped my lips as I shook my head dismissively. “Thing? The guy seemed like a junkie to me.”
Alex’s gaze remained steady on me. “It’s something you can’t understand unless you’ve experienced it. The guys who come and go from Livio’s place are all broken in one way or another. With Livio, they get to feel whole.”
“You were one of them,” I muttered, as if I had to remind myself. After all, Alex had said he’d met Dominic at one of Livio’s parties. “Shit, this is all … And now Dominic’s there! Fuck! This is insane! Give me the address.”
“I’ll give you the address,” Alex said, “but, please, keep your cool when you get there.”
“I’m not going to lose it.”
“You’re already about to snap.”
“Alex,” I growled, stepping closer, “give me the damn address, or you’ll regret it.”
Alex opened Google Maps on his phone. “Just because he’s there doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” he said, zooming in on Zurich. “Maybe he’s trying to prove something to himself. He’s acting like a typical addict—someone who’s made progress but then slips up.”
“He’s about to screw everything up,” I said bluntly. “That’s what addicts do. God! That’s not him at all!”
Alex glanced up with a serious expression. “Nobody’s like that. They all have their reasons for being with Livio. Don’t forget that when you barge in there.”
My jaw clenched, and I realized I still hadn’t come down from my high. It wasn’t exactly the best mindset for showing compassion. Empathy had never been my strong suit, but in a neutral state, I could at least fake it.
“Here it is.” Alex pointed at his phone. “I think it’s number three. This house here. Just ring the bell for Tanner.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, spinning on my heel and hurrying toward the apartment door.
In the entryway, Alex grabbed my arm and turned me back to face him. “Kil, it’s obvious you care about him. But if you storm in there like a bulldozer, you’ll ruin everything.”
“And how, exactly, am I supposed to go in there?”
“Try putting yourself in his shoes. I know,” he added, raising his hands in a placating gesture. “It’s written all over your face that this feels impossible right now, but … please, just try.”
“Fine!” I replied, rolling my eyes. “For your sake. Because you were just as screwed up as the rest of them.” My gaze flicked past him to Noé, who was now busy on his phone. “Does he know?”
“Yeah,” Alex said, resting a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t judge Dominic for not telling you the truth.”
“Thanks for your help,” I said and left the apartment.
I reached Livio’s building in under ten minutes on my motorcycle. It was a five-story block, and a couple of bikes were parked out front. I rang the bell for L. Tanner and waited. Without anyone even asking my name over the intercom, the door clicked open.
I took the stairs, climbing up to the third floor without knowing for sure where Livio lived. Livio stood in the doorway, wearing only a pair of low-hanging, dark blue sweatpants. A slimy grin spread across his face when he saw me.
“Dominic didn’t mention the hottie was coming after all.”
A knot formed in my stomach as I immediately recalled Alex’s words about keeping my cool, which actually helped. Otherwise, I would’ve swung at Livio with a clenched fist. Silence might not be the worst strategy, I thought, and simply nodded as Livio stepped aside to let me in.
“Straight ahead,” he said, gesturing inside.
At the threshold of the dimly lit living room, I froze, stunned.
Where the hell have I ended up?
On a couch covered with a white sheet, three guys were fucking. Two more were making out in an armchair, rubbing each other’s dicks, and out on the balcony, two men were smoking cigarettes. Alcohol cluttered the coffee table, surrounded by pills and white powder scattered everywhere.
“If you’re looking for Dominic,” Livio whispered so close to my ear that the hairs on my neck stood up, “he’s in the playroom at the back.”
My heart raced faster and faster as I stood paralyzed. Slowly, I turned my head toward Livio. He smiled and even winked at me.
“Straight ahead, first door on the left.”
Every muscle in my body was rigid, and I couldn’t move. It wasn’t until Livio placed a hand on my back and gave me a light shove that I managed to get going. I walked through the living room, past the naked men, and stopped short again.
Jesus Christ! I was in the middle of this!
Horrified, I tore my eyes away from the two men on the armchair and focused on the table.
A half-empty bottle of Moskovskaya. I seized it, kept walking, and took a long swig.
The burning liquid flowed down my throat, stoking the fire already raging inside me.
I felt like a volcano ready to explode. There was a fury inside me I hadn’t felt in ages, and at the same time, something else screamed out from within.
A cry for help I drowned with another gulp.
The door was slightly ajar, and I had a clear view of a bed. Two guys were making out, naked. When the one on the bottom placed a hand on the other’s chest and broke away, I recognized Dominic.
Did it matter that he didn’t have an erection while the other guy looked ready to burst?
No.
Everything froze.
My breathing. My heart. My blood. Even the screaming in my head fell silent, and I stood there, mouth open, clutching the bottle so tightly I nearly shattered it.
And then it hit me—like I was caught by a massive, murderous wave, my body tossed and turned. Something inside my head snapped, and I lost control of my actions.