Chapter 52
52
NICKY
T oday is my first day in my tiny new office.
Yup, I got upgraded from my cubicle into a little shoebox that I can call my own. It’s been nice to have a bit of privacy when I break down sobbing over Ronan every forty-five minutes or so.
I’m grateful for the small mercies.
The office is lovely, though. It truly is. But I kind of feel like I’m trapped in a closet. I already miss doing my meetings from the couch at the guesthouse, looking out across Ronan’s never ending yard, the ice rink, and the woods.
It was all so serene and cozy, and now that I’m here, so far away from Starlight Falls, I realize that living with Ronan felt a lot like home.Which makes no freaking sense at all. But not much has been making sense since I moved away from the stunning hockey captain.
It’s hard to explain this ache in my chest, and it’s even harder to shake it off.
When I drove away from Ronan, it didn’t just sting. It felt like someone ripped out my insides and strung them along the highway, leaving a red and bloody trail all the way back to Honey Hill.
Yeah. Last night, I may have stayed up half the night watching too much true crime.
But that’s not the point. The point is…I’m hurting.
The only bright spot in my world is that I now have a permanent place on the PR team. I’m doing the Saints’ community outreach and event marketing. Not only did the organization consider my time working with Ronan as a striking success, they also used a few of my public relations ideas over the course of the season.
I think Cash is even prouder of me than I am. He already popped into my office to drop off some congratulatory flowers and again to see how I’m settling in. He’s been great in all this. I would have never had this opportunity if my brother hadn’t set this all up.
I owe him big time.
Now I’ve got to start thinking long-term. Now that I’m not following Ronan around twenty-four seven, I’m finally ready to buy that real estate that I’ve had my eye on in Honey Hill. I’m ready to put down roots. Start living my new life that I set out to do when I left Chicago.
All of this positive change and planning for my future should bring nothing but happiness and anticipation.But inside, I just feel sad and empty. All the things I thought I wanted so damn badly aren’t bringing me any joy. And that scares me.
What scares me even more is how I can’t stop thinking about Ronan. And I can’t figure out what any of it means.
Why? Why is this predicament with Ronan so different? Why haven’t I moved on from it like the meaningless situation-ships in my past?
Because you’re in love with him, idiot, I hear a muted voice whisper somewhere inside my head.
I’m not trying to hear that. My aching heart has its theories, but I’m not ready to touch those with a ten-foot stick just yet.
I’ve been in this spot a dozen times over the years. At the end of a hookup, I enjoy a bottle of wine, and then I jump right back into work until my next placeholder comes around.
I’m used to it.
But this ? This doesn’t feel the same. Not at all, dammit.
I keep telling myself that it’s no big deal. That I’ll get over it. That what we had was just temporary. Not much different from the situation-ships I’ve had in the past. I keep telling myself that, this time, I’m equipped with the tools I need to navigate dating, thanks to all of the things I practiced in that fake relationship with the hockey god who haunts my thoughts.
Yet somehow I can’t bring myself to feel better about what I lost when I left that man behind in Starlight Falls.
Trying to ignore the stinging pain I’m feeling, I trudge through my morning’s work. Then on my lunch break, I head out back to where my car is parked.
“I’m gonna go grab a bite to eat from my grandmother’s bakery,” I tell Florence who’s entering the building as I’m leaving.
“ Bon appetit . See you later.” She waves at me.
I hop into my car and drive across the bridge to Honey Hill. I find myself parking outside of The Wildberry Bakery , needing to feel a sense of calm familiarity.
My grandmother is not at work, though. She’s at home these days, healing from her operation. She pulled through her eye surgery like a champ. Now she’s resting and recovering. Her new man has been at her side every single day. It’s beautiful to watch.
I used to take comfort in knowing that the strongest women in my life stayed single and thrived. But now I’m realizing that Grammy and Mom are still just as strong as they’ve always been now that they have men in their lives. My real life heroines have coupled with men who offer them support and love and partnership. Men who make their lives better, rather than taking away. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I’m starting to wonder if I was wrong in thinking I’d be better off shutting myself off from that possibility. Because Ronan gave me a glimpse into what it could be like to be loved. And I have to admit that everything was better when I was wrapped in that safe little cocoon he built for just him and me.
It was fake, Nicky. It was fake. And now, it’s time to get over it.
When I step into my grandmother’s bakery, in the place of Grammy’s usual warm smile, there’s some stoic stranger behind the cash register. I order a light lunch from the cashier. Then I eat my sandwich alone at one of the small tables and do some reading for work on my phone.
I’m about done with my lunch when I look up and spot Simon grabbing a homemade cinnamon roll and a coffee. He’s got a hoodie pulled up over his messy head and he’s wearing a pair of sunglasses. I imagine he must have had a long night out at the bar or something. I feel nothing at the thought of him with other girls. No jealousy. No longing. Just indifference.
Maybe I do finally believe that I deserve better. And despite all the pain I’m in now, that in and of itself is a tiny victory for me. Evidence that what Ronan and I did together wasn’t in vain.
He’s on his way out the door with his purchase when he backpedals and stops next to my table.
“Hey, Nicky. You’re back in town?”
I shake my head. “No, actually. I’m secretly a clone sent here by the government to spy on the people of Honey Hill.”
A small smile spreads across his face. “Nah, you’re the real thing. Way too hot to be a clone.”
I chafe at the flirtation. Back in the day, an empty little comment like that from Simon would reel me right in. Today, it doesn’t even land.
Wow, I really am a different person .
He seems to realize it. His smile disappears. “Can I sit with you?”
“Sure,” I say with a sigh. He’s still a family friend. I’m bound to see him from time to time, especially now that I’m back in town for good. Making things awkward between us is pointless.
I shove my mess to the side, giving him a little space at my table.
He joins me, pulling off his sunglasses and wincing.
“Shit. You have a black eye,” I observe, taking in the swelling and bruising right above his left cheek.
He flinches. “Yeah. I came clean to Jasper about us this morning.”
“What?” My eyes bulge.
Emma must not know about this yet or else she would have been ringing down my phone immediately.
He continues. “I got tired of keeping you a secret. And I get that we’re done and you’ve moved on with that hockey dude but…I wanted to be honest with my best friend.”
I don’t correct him or tell him that Ronan and I aren’t really together. That’s none of his business, quite frankly.
“Anyway, let’s just say Jasper didn’t take it well at first. He was mostly pissed at the way I treated you, keeping you a secret. But I think he’ll be fine now after getting that out of his system.”
I shrug, not knowing what to say. “Shit. Simon, you know my brothers are hot-heads.”
He runs his hands through his hair, looking quite uncomfortable. I don’t blame him. “Yeah, I deserve the black eye.” He chuckles ruefully. Then he meets my eyes. “Nicky, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for you, when you were ready for more. I just…I’m sorry for hurting you.”
I shake my head. “You don’t need to apologize. I get it. I’m over it.” I feel such a sense of inner relief, knowing that the words I’m saying are true.
“I need to make sure you know how sorry I am,” he insists. “You know how messed up I am, but I’m trying to be better. I’m finally trying to heal this heartbreak I’ve been drowning in since my ex left me at the altar. You…this situation with us…it was a fucking wake up call. Because losing a woman like you is something I know I’ll regret for the rest of my life.”
As he continues to speak, I sit here comparing and contrasting two men in my mind. When Simon and I said our goodbyes, it only stung because my ego was hurt. With him, I’d been playing it safe because as my brother’s best friend, I’d never expected him to hurt me. That’s why it felt like such a letdown when he did.
But from day one, Ronan was the opposite of safe. Opening up to him felt like the biggest risk of my entire life. Because from the very first moment I saw him on that train, I knew that man had the power to devastate me with one simple touch, with one simple kiss. And he did.
Still, even as I sit here in the wreckage of my heartbreak, I know it was so very worth it. Ronan was worth it.
“Thank you for your apology, Simon. I knew you weren’t ready, so it was unfair of me to push you. It’s a good thing that you’re working on you. That you’re becoming a better man.” I pat his hand.
A sheepish smile comes to his face. “You think I might have a shot with you again sometime in the future?”
Now that I know what I’m worth, my stomach turns at the mere idea of settling ever again. “Not a chance in hell,” I say.
Maybe a little too harshly.
When Simon jolts, I soften my tone. “No offense, Simon. Keep working on yourself. When your main character shows up, you’ll be ready, and you’ll be glad that I wasn’t there hogging the space that belongs to your real soulmate.”
He shakes his head but grins a grin that almost reaches his eyes. “You’re too smart for me, Nicky Westbrook.”
“I know, right?” I laugh, all while thinking how grateful I am that my mom taught me this particular life lesson.
Simon rises to his feet, and I do, too. Without warning, he leans in and wraps me in a strong hug that takes me off-guard.
It’s the flattest, driest, no sparks hug I’ve ever had. We both pull back quickly, putting space between us.
“Did you feel that?” I ask, almost in shock over how awkward the hug felt. Like, did I actually use to sleep with this guy?
He chuckles uncomfortably. “Yeah. That felt weird, right?”
I nod. “Yes. Like I was hugging one of my brothers. What the heck?”
“So that answers the question of whether we’ll ever hook up again,” he mutters.
I smack his shoulder. “Already told you it was a ‘no’, asshole.”
We both laugh and clean up the table.
Together, we walk to the door.
“I’m happy to see you happy, Nicky. You deserve it more than anybody I know.” He sighs. “Even if it’s with that hockey douchebag.”
“Don’t call him that,” I bark, instantly defensive of my Hockey Guy. Ronan and I may not be in each other’s lives anymore but I will forever have his back.
“Sheesh. Sorry.” Simon throws up his hands in defense.
He looks at me again, and I give him a small grin. “Thanks. You deserve to be happy, too, you know,” I say, hoping he believes it. I hope he finds his own version of happy. “Bye, Simon.”
He slips his sunglasses back over his injured face. “Bye, Nicky.”
And then he walks away.