16. Anders
Anders
C armela’s face morphs from anger to disbelief to shame. “Anders…I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I huff. “It’s not exactly like that, anyway.”
I reach for the bottle, wishing she’d poured us something stronger instead. It’s only fair I tell her my story now that she’s told me hers. It’s something I’ve wanted to bring up for a while now, anyway. So she can understand where my hesitancy comes from.
“I did have a relationship with a woman who sold herself for money. I was working undercover, trying to bust a group that worked for the Tijuana cartel. They were having women mule the drugs—working as prostitutes, so they made double the money. So, I went in as a client and just happened to walk into the room where Mariana was working.” I take a beat, the memory of her flashing behind my eyes. The pain has lessened over time, but I feel like I’m tearing the wound back open with a sharp knife.
“I could tell she didn’t want to be there. She was so innocent, yet so fiery. Her brother got involved with the cartel after their parents died, and he brought her into it, but he had to drag her kicking and screaming.” My fists clench around the bottle. I move to a sitting position, resting my elbows on my knees after I set it and my glass down so I don’t break them. “I was good at my job. I’d never been compromised. I could compartmentalize and leave the job at the threshold when I got home. But with Mariana…I just…I just couldn’t. We struck a deal. She became my informant. Over time, I watched her innocence fade away. Her fire turn to embers. I tried so hard not to care, but eventually, I realized I had already fallen in love with her.”
Carmela lets out a soft gasp on her side of the sofa. “What happened?” she hesitantly asks. Almost as if she already knows this story doesn’t end well.
“We decided to move in during a massive fentanyl distribution. It was sooner than planned, but I knew I had to get her out of there. Her brother had started getting suspicious when he realized I kept requesting to see her. He…” my voice cracks, stomach roiling with nausea as I relive one of the lowest moments of my life. “He decided to sit in during our hour together. ”
“Oh…Anders.” I feel Carmela shift before her warm hand rests on my back. “You don’t have to-”
“No. I need to get this out. You need to know why I feel the way I do,” I cut her off. It takes a few moments for me to get my emotions under control. “They trafficked more than fentanyl. And he expected me to take something, so I chose to snort a few lines of cocaine. We’d been trained for shit like that. Sometimes it would be expected, and it was the least problematic of the drugs. But that wasn’t enough for him. He was…fucking sick. Said her pussy must have been gold since I kept coming back for more, so he wanted to see what was so special about it.” Tears line my eyes, and I bite down on the inside of my cheek to keep them from falling.
Carmela’s arms wrap around me from behind just as I begin shaking from my foot bouncing uncontrollably. “We hadn’t even been intimate. I’d begged her to leave with me time and time again, but she was too scared to go. I hated myself for resenting her decision, but I told her I couldn’t be with her while she was fucking other men. But that night…that night, her brother wanted to watch us fuck. When I refused, he started accusing me of being a cop. I couldn’t do anything without blowing my cover, so I fucked her.” I blow out a long, shuddered breath. “The next day, I took a team in to dismantle the whole operation, but my mind was focused solely on getting her out. I was distracted, and when I found he r, she was scared and couldn’t move. While I was trying to convince her to leave with me, her brother started shooting at us. A member of my team covered me and was shot and killed. It was absolute chaos, and when it was all over, Mariana had been shot, too. They had to pull me away from her body. I scared the shit out of my team because no one had seen me lose my shit like that before, let alone cry.”
It’s the first time I’ve told anyone the full story outside the investigation board. Hearing myself narrate it, and allowing myself to feel everything while I do, sounds so different than every other time I emotionlessly recounted it six years ago.
“Is that why you stopped working undercover?” Carmela’s wrapped around me, trying to be comforting. Her chin rests on my shoulder, and it’s such an intimate gesture that I can’t help but reach up to hold the arm circling my neck as I lean into her.
“There was a criminal investigation and an administrative one. I was found not guilty during both. I had to undergo therapy before I was allowed to go back to work. But, ultimately, I decided against returning. I took a job in my local department, pushing papers. Whatever allowed me the ability to be so good at my job vanished after Mariana died. Honestly, I have no idea why Mick even hired me. I might have been great at the job, but that was years ago. There’s plenty of others who were more suited for this case. ”
“You’re a great detective, Anders,” Carmela tries to placate me.
“Am I, though?” I shake her off gently and stand, walking across the room. “Because it’s the same shit all over again, Carmela. Ironic that the first case I work after that ends up being this .”
“I can see why you’d think that, Anders. But there’s really no parallel here. I’m sorry for what happened with Mariana. I really, really am.” She appears in front of me. Her fingers are warm when they wrap around my biceps, and she pushes me back to the sofa. “But that is not our reality here. You’re not undercover. I’m not being forced to do anything I don’t want to do, and I’m not forcing anyone else to do things they don’t want to, either. You’ve spent enough time at Désirer to know it’s not even close to the same thing. Everyone is there because they want to be.”
She guides me to sit. When she goes to settle beside me, I grab her hips and pull her down to straddle me. “Don’t you think I know that by now?” I cup her neck, threading my fingers through her hair. “Facts are still facts, though, Cara. You’re still involved with Mick, deeper than I realized. Then there’s Luca, and that situation hits close to being similar, given who his father is.” Our noses touch, her dark eyes fluttering closed as our breaths mingle. “And when you were attacked, I felt things I didn’t want to feel. Had to admit to myself that I was beginning to have feelings for you I didn’t want to have.”
“So romantic, please, keep going,” she deadpans as she opens her eyes, her gaze locking with mine. My lips curl into a smile. I tip my head slightly, brushing our lips together for the briefest of moments.
Subtly, she shifts her hips, but I feel the movement deep in my groin, my cock coming to life beneath her. Just like that first night I fingered her in front of everyone, I reach around and press on the base of her tailbone, pushing her into me as I lift my hips to match hers. “And I think you feel it too, don’t you? We don’t hate each other as much as we’ve been letting on. In fact, the only thing I hate lately when it comes to you, is the fact that throughout this entire charade, I haven’t taken the chance to sink my cock back into you.”
She lets out a low moan mixed with a breathy gasp as I tilt my hips just right, my rigid cock hitting her clit through our jeans. I swallow it with a kiss, trapping her lower lip between my teeth before telling her, “I’m not going to fuck you where we have to be quiet, though, Cara. The next time I’m inside you, I want you screaming so loud everyone can hear it.”
Her lips crash against mine as she picks up the pace and begins to ride me. We’re like horny teenagers, dry humping each other while making out, desperate to chase our release before someone catches us.
However, the only people here to walk in on us are upstairs, fast asleep. Yet, there’s something about fucking each other through our clothes that is insanely fucking hot, and I don’t want to stop. The next time we have sex, I want it to be the right way, on a bed, and preferably where we aren’t battling for control. I want Carmela sweet and sweaty beneath me as I make her come over and over around my cock.
“I’m going to come,” she whispers against my lips.
“Yeah, baby? Go ahead and take what you need from me. I wanna watch you fall apart.”
And what a glorious sight it is. Head tipped back, mouth open in a silent cry as she comes. I follow her over the edge, silently cursing as I make a mess in my pants, knowing I have nothing to change into.
Her tits heave in front of my face as she comes down from her high. I bite a nipple through her shirt as she slumps against me before moving us so we’re lying down, legs tangled and chests pressed together. Carmela snuggles into me, wrapping her arm around my waist.
“Cara?”
“Yeah?”
“I know there’s a lot we have to discuss, and I know it’s going to be messy, but I want to do it. ”
Her arm tightens on my waist. I can feel the beat of her heart against mine, the two falling into a synchronized rhythm. “Even now that you know about Maya?”
Something surges in my chest. It’s primordial —the need to protect and defend this woman who I’m starting to consider as mine. I can’t even fathom a reality where I leave, and we never see each other again.
I grasp her chin and tip her head back to make her look at me. “Yes, baby girl. I want you, motherhood and all.”
Tears line her eyes. “What about when this is all over? And you have to go back to California?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” I kiss the top of her head.
More needs to be said, but tonight, I just want to feel her in my arms.
Because if there’s anything I know for sure, it’s that this is the calm before the storm.
The smell of bacon wakes me.
Voices filter through the doorway as I move to stretch, only to realize Carmela is still wrapped around me .
Footsteps enter the den, putting me on instant alert—too heavy to be Maya’s.
One hand flies to my gun holster while the other pulls Carmela closer.
“No need for that, Detective.” Mick’s voice reaches my ears as my eyes snap open to see him standing over us. He looks livid. My blood turns cold before the temperature rises to a raging boil.
Carmela stirs. “No, it’s too early. No pancakes yet,” she mumbles.
“Get up, Mellie,” Mick snaps, kicking the bottom of the couch to wake her. Carmela jolts awake, sitting up abruptly.
“Fucking watch yourself,” I warn. The fact that he thinks he can just waltz in here and speak to her like that pisses me off. I don’t give a fuck if it’s his house.
Her eyes widen as she looks at me before turning her head to see Mick glaring down at her. “Shit.”
“Yeah. Shit is right,” Mick echoes.
Like I said, calm before the storm.