Chapter 34
DORI
Jami holds my hands as he stares into my eyes. “This will probably be out of line, but I’d hate myself if I left and didn’t say it.
“You have to know, Dori, that no matter what mistakes were made on your part, I forgive you. If you tell me you want me to stay so we could have a real shot of making it work between us, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”
I take in his words. I’m empty inside and in one of the lowest emotional states I’ve ever been in. My best friend and Jami are moving away, my boyfriend is possibly having a baby with someone else, and I can’t find happiness in any of it.
I drop his hands. “If only it was that easy.”
“Fuck, Dori, it can be. Why do you have to always make things so difficult? For once, it’s okay to be selfish and do what you want. What your heart wants.”
My heart wants two different things. Just because Hunter’s possibly having a kid with someone else, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
He wants to give me the world and would. All I have to do is ask. He’s tried hard for me and if I walk away now because things are getting tough, what kind of person does that make me?
But I love Jami. In a perfect world, we would be together. He’s been my best friend over time and my lover for a brief moment.
He allows me to be me and isn’t afraid to call me out when my poor behavior takes center stage. We’re natural together—slower somehow.
He wants me to have everything I desire, but he pushes me to get there by the path I want to take. Never would he just hand it over, and that’s because he expects more from me. He knows that contributing to the achievement is part of my core values.
I place my palm on his scruffy, handsome face. “Jamison, you’re one of the good ones. Someday you’re going to make the right woman so fucking happy.”
He twists away and opens my drapes. The bright light shines in, making me squint.
He comes back to me. “Stop this. Stop punishing yourself for making a decision and wanting to change your mind. You don’t have to be a martyr. You can be a little selfish once in a while, as long as it’s for the right reasons.
“Hunter’s having a kid with someone else. How long will it take for you to realize it will devastate you to stand by and watch?”
“Damn, Melanie. I told her that was private.”
“Melanie didn’t tell me. I figured it out on my own. There was only one reason Isabella would need to talk to Hunter bad enough to pull him away at the launch party, so it didn’t take much to figure it out. All I had to do was ask.”
I hit the side of my head with the heel of my hand. “Then call me stupid because he had to spell it out for me.”
“It’s not stupid. You didn’t want to see or admit it. It’s kind of your schtick.”
I laugh out a cry that’s threatening to become a full-blown sob. “My schtick is not wanting to see or admit that my boyfriend got another woman pregnant?”
“No. When something is too hard to acknowledge, you pretend it doesn’t exist.” He marches over to my closet. “Let’s find you some clothes to change into.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m taking you to lunch. You look like you’ve lost ten pounds since I last saw you. You’re sitting in a cold, dark loft in a robe on a Friday afternoon. Don’t argue with me because I’m not leaving here without you. I love you, Dori, but I don’t love your pity party. Now get dressed.”
“Jesus, you’re in a mood.” I take some clothes out of my drawer and go change in the bathroom. While I’m in there, I mindlessly talk to myself. “Pity party. Like I don’t have the right. If anyone does, it’s me.”
I come out of the bathroom, where I find him wide-eyed and staring at me.
“What?” I ask.
“Did you just get dressed in there and justify having a pity party for yourself?”
“Um…no,” I say, even though he probably heard me. “Can’t a woman have a little privacy?”
“It wasn’t like you were whispering. I could hear you as if the door was open. I actually turned around to see if it was. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Let’s decide where we should eat.”
“Jami, I’m not hungry. If we go somewhere, I’m just going to sit and watch you eat.”
He peeks out the window. “The weather looks nice enough for a walk, so grab a jacket.”
My posture relaxes. “You won’t stop until you get your way, will you?”
“Nope. We can consider it your birthday present to me.”
I coil into myself. “Shit, Jami. I’m sorry I forgot. Happy Birthday. ”
“Thanks.”
“You must think I’m a terrible friend.”
“What I think is you’ve been under a ton of stress and got lost in it all.” He pulls out his phone and checks something, then glances back at me. “It’s fifty-seven degrees out. Do you think you’ll be warm enough?”
I get a white puffy vest-type jacket out of my closet and slide it on over my long-sleeved blue shirt. “Yeah. If we’re walking, I’ll be fine.”
We leave my loft, and strangely, some of the heaviness I had before he came over has already lifted. We stroll along the sidewalk with plenty of room to move. It seems nobody wants to enjoy the weather like Jamison does.
“Let’s go to the park and talk as we go around the loop.” He shoves his hands in his jacket pockets.
“Sounds good to me.”
He peeks over at me. “Can we get back to our conversation?”
“What part?”
“The part about if there’s still a chance for us.”
God, I want to run away and be with him, but it changes nothing. He’s moving and I’m in a relationship with Hunter. Hopelessness fills my every cell.
“Jami, a week ago, you set me free. Now you’re asking me this.”
“I said all of that thinking Hunter was going to give you everything you wanted. I was trying to let you have some peace with someone who you say makes you happy. But this—” He bends over, picks up a rock, and tosses it off the walkway. “—I don’t think this will work out for you.”
“Why? Hunter doesn’t want anything with Isabella. He’s not even sure it’s his kid because he swears he doesn’t remember being with her. He still loves me. Hell, I think he loves me more because I didn’t leave him the second I found out. ”
We cut off onto a path that leads straight to the loop Jami wants to walk around.
“Dori, it might not be his, but why did you stay with Hunter after he told you Isabella was pregnant? I only ask because a few weeks ago, we were getting ready to commit to each other.
“You said you loved me and I know I love you. We were minutes from it, but you found out about Aricin. You left and shut me out instantly. Why does Hunter get different treatment?”
This is a loaded question.
I’ve talked to my therapist a couple of times about it and the answer I have won’t fly with Jami. I’m not sure it makes that much sense to me.
Jami has opportunities in Miami. If he stays here for me, I’m only holding him back. I gaze around our surroundings and a tree reminds me of the one he carved our initials into.
Why couldn’t we have found a way to make it work between us?
“Can we go talk by that tree?” I point to it. “I want to have this conversation face-to-face.”
“It sounds like I won’t like what you say.” He tips his chin to the sky, almost like he’s asking God some question that he’ll never get the answer to.
I keep my sights on the tree. Maybe doing this there will ease some of what I have to say. We get to it and he stops.
I draw out an imaginary heart with my finger on the trunk. Inside, I trace the letters J+D. I don’t need to tell him what I’m doing because he puts his finger next to mine and finishes it with an arrow.
I take his hand and turn to face him, fighting back all my pain and regret. “You’ve been in my life for so long. I don’t have many memories without you. For a second, I thought we would get our happily ever after. I wanted it, Jami. I really did.”
He nods with sadness. “But you love him more. ”
“No. It’s not that. It’s just different. I left you that night because I was shocked and confused. I felt like you owed me something. Deep down, I wanted you to leave Lauren and come to me.”
I suck in a breath to stop myself from crying. “I was so mad at you for having a child. Sure, hiding it from me was part of it. But I’ve come to realize I left that night because I knew I’d never be able to give you that.”
“Dori, I’m sorry, but you’re confusing me.”
“At the time, I was dead set on not having kids because of what I had gone through. While I was staying with Hunter, he said something to me that clicked. He said he thought I was more scared of getting pregnant than having kids and he was right.”
“So why break it off with me if you thought I had a son?” Jami tries to release my hand, but I hold it tighter.
I can’t tell him I was sick with envy of Lauren and their child. It will only confuse him.
“Because I just recently came to that conclusion during my therapy. Hunter made a comment about granting Isabella full custody of the baby, intending to discourage me from ending our relationship. I freaked out.”
Jami releases a frustrated groan. “That still doesn’t help me understand.”
I shake my head and shrug. “He already let one child go and was about to do the same with another. That pissed me off more than Isabella being pregnant.”
Confusion swirls in Jami’s eyes. “So you’re staying with him because he’s having this kid?”
“Maybe I’m not meant to be a biological mother. I’ve lost two babies already and now there’s one waiting to be born. If it’s Hunter’s, he needs me now more than ever.”
“And how is that?”
“Knowing I would be there to help made him reconsider his perspective on Isabella raising their child without his input.”
“Why? Because you want to play house and have a happy little family? You’re just saying you’ll help him because you’re trying to make up for the losses you’ve had by taking on his kid. How is any of this fair to me?”
Jami’s truthful words sting, but I swallow and move past them. “Before, when Hunter went through this, the circumstances were different. Jack’s with a great family.
“If Hunter had fought to be a part of his life back then, the Dupree’s marriage would’ve been over. Hunter’s relationship with his father would’ve been destroyed. Who knows how much more damage would’ve taken place?”
Jami growls. “I don’t care about Hunter’s past. Help me understand why you think he deserves a pass when I didn’t.”
“He doesn’t.” I squeeze Jami’s hand and release it. “Jami, I can help him. If this baby is Hunter’s, he can be a dad and I can be there for him.”
I hope I can, but it’s going to be extremely difficult.
“Then that makes me believe you must love him more because you weren’t willing to give me the same courtesy.”
“No. I’m not staying with Hunter because I love him more. I’m staying with him because he needs me more. For once, I’m not going to be the selfish one.”
Jami steps so close to me that my back presses against the tree. “I need you too. I can barely breathe without you. My heart is empty without you.”
“One day, it won’t be. I can’t ask you to stay here for me. That’s selfish and I’m done being that way. You’re going to move to Miami and build an empire. You’ll meet a wonderful woman to marry and have a family. She’s going to love you like you deserve to be loved.”
Half of my soul dies by saying the words out loud. Jami’s my soulmate, but sometimes soulmates aren’t meant to be together. Sometimes they’re meant to show you what true love is—unselfish.
Jami showed that to me when he said goodbye to me that morning Hunter found me in his apartment. Now it’s my turn to let him go so he can live a happy life—a life where a woman loves him and fulfills his every wish and desire.
“She’ll never be you.” His haunted blue eyes stare hard into mine. “Don’t you get it? I’ve loved you since I was a kid. You’re the love of my life, Dori. No one will ever take your place. That’s why I could never get there with any other woman.”
I place my palm over his heart. “And no one will ever take your place. I love you, Jamison Stone. I have since I was ten and will for the rest of my life, but?—”
“Then don’t do this. Don’t push me away. If you do, I’m afraid we’ll lose our only chance at the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime.”
“There’s so much standing in our way, Jami.” I step out around him as my heart breaks in two.
He grabs my arms and spins me to face him. “Nothing that can’t be handled. Nothing we can’t face together.”
“Jami, you have a beautiful life waiting for you in Miami. My life is here.”
I smile to hide the fact that I’m dying inside. “You’ll always be the one that got away. And it’s my fault because twice I’ve been childish and blocked you out of my life without having all the facts. I can’t change what I’ve done, but I’m learning to be better.”
“It doesn’t have to be this way.” He turns his head and shifts. As he does, a red flash grazes across his cheek.
My gaze dials in as I search for the light on Jami’s face. “What was that?”
He looks back at me with his eyebrows drawn. Everything spins. His eyes dart around my chest, then still. Terror floods his expression, so I glance down. Two red laser beams are aimed right at my heart.
A shot rings out, but what it is hasn’t registered in my mind. Something hits my shoulder, causing a burning sensation.
I look over to see what happened, but another shot goes off. Jami shifts and grabs me. His weight plunges into me. He’s so much bigger than me. I fall back and hit the ground hard. His body lands directly on top of mine.
He lifts as if he’s going to push himself off me, but instead, he places his weak hand on the side of my face. His loving eyes connect with mine. He smiles as blood drips from the corner of his mouth. I can’t grasp what’s occurring.
With blood oozing between his teeth and lips, he whispers, “With all my soul, I love you, my beautiful, sweet temptress. I always have and always will. Never forget that. Okay?”
He drops limp on top of me. His blood from the bullet wound in his chest covers my white coat, turning it red, and my world goes black. Agony rips through me as I lose the love of my life, Jamison Stone, for good.
The End…