Chapter 18
JAMIE
The container of chili I’m carrying warms my hands during the chilly walk to Carmen’s place.
Chili, chilly. Hah. Maybe I’ll use that pun to try and get a laugh out of Carmen when I see her.
On second thought … maybe I won’t.
I haven’t seen Carmen in a couple days. I’ve stopped by Last Word a few times, but I’ve just been out of luck, and my visits haven’t coincided with her shifts.
So, I decided to make her some chili and bring it to her place as an excuse to see her. I know how much she liked it the night I fell asleep on her couch.
I’ll just tell her I made it for dinner and ended up making way too much for us to finish at the house. Even though every drop of the pot I just cooked is in this container, and I had to chase away my roommates with a wooden spoon to keep them from devouring it.
I bounce up the steps to Carmen’s apartment. I’m humming with anticipation for her to try this. I think I did a half-decent job with the spare ingredients we found in her cabinets the other night, but this is my real chili. All the ingredients are present and freshly bought from the store today.
Maybe she hasn’t eaten yet, and she’ll want a bowl right away. Maybe she’ll invite me in, and I’ll get to see her eyes light up when she wraps her lips around the spoon.
Maybe it’s weird that my cock twitches at the thought. But I don’t think I can imagine anything involving Carmen’s lips without that happening. I sure as fuck can’t imagine her using her lips to tell me off with one of her sarcastic quips without that happening.
Repositioning the container to hold it in the crook of one elbow, I rear back with my other hand to knock on her door—until a sound stops me in my tracks.
A throaty sound from behind her door brings my lungs to a halt, trapping the air in my chest. Suspicion and uncertainty have my muscles locked. All my attention turns to my ear as I stand silently, waiting to hear more.
Then I hear it again. And again. Short, gaspy moans. As I stand in the cold, they grow louder, drawing out longer.
My heart plummets in my chest, clattering down so hard that it feels like I’m standing on it. Disappointment and distress rattle through me. Here I am bringing Carmen chili she didn’t even ask for, like an obsessed dork, and she’s hooking up with another guy.
My stomach lurches. Dark jealousy like I’ve never felt before curdles in my veins. It’s a sensation I have no right to feel, not by a long shot, but I can’t help it. An acrid taste fills my mouth.
I try to check my reaction. We’re obviously not in a relationship, not even close. We’re barely even friends. Basically still acquaintances at this point. But all my rational thoughts can’t stop the possessive dismay from slicing through me like a hot knife.
But then I hear something that makes the ground tilt under my feet.
My name.
All the negative emotions racing through me disintegrate. I ask myself if I’m sure I’m not imagining what I just heard. But my name on Carmen’s voice gets louder behind her door, the two syllables laced with a lusty tone.
And I keep hearing it as I stand here, frozen.
I also realize that I don’t hear any male voice behind her door. Just hers.
Arousal erupts like a bomb behind my chest. Just feet away from me, Carmen is getting herself off while moaning my name.
Flames streak through my bloodstream. Desire fills me. My pulse hammers, pounding in my neck. Pressure swells behind my eyes.
It’s a damn miracle that any blood is even making it above my waist, because my fucking cock is so hard it could hammer a nail.
As the first rush of intensity wanes, I realize how inappropriate it is for me to be standing here, listening.
I pull myself together. I slowly bend down to leave the container of chili by her door. I’ll text her when I get home, telling her that I dropped it off but didn’t have time to knock because I had to hurry to a hockey meeting or something.
Gingerly, I step down the stairs, not wanting to make any noise and alert her to my presence. If she knew what I just overheard, she might be so embarrassed that it tanks all the progress we’ve made in feeling more comfortable around each other.
When I get to the bottom step, a thought pierces past the flimsy sheet of my better judgment.
What if I marched back up and knocked on her door?
What if, while she was bringing herself to release with her own hand while thinking of me, while moaning my name, she heard me pound on her door and announce my presence, asking her—telling her to open up for me, so she could get the real thing?
It wouldn’t even have to be sex. I could just replace her fingers with my own.
I could fill her with one digit, maybe two. Have her show me how she likes having her clit rubbed. Watch her fall apart under my touch.
This might be the perfect moment.
The sheer plausibility of it makes me feel on fire. A hot knot of lust pulls unbearably tight at the base of my balls. My heart is erratic behind my chest.
Suddenly, it feels like there’s a physical force tugging at me, wanting to pull me back to her door.
I’m burning with desire from the inside out. In a rash move, I snatch a big handful of snow from the ground and slap it on the back of my neck, letting the harsh cold of it trickle down my sweater.
The chill snaps me back to reality. It’s enough for me to get my feet pumping. I walk past Cindy’s house, back on the sidewalk. But lust is still firing through me, and I haven’t escaped the magnetic pull that wants to draw me back up those stairs.
There’s a big pile of clean, white snow from two nights ago. It’s fluffy and soft and hasn’t yet acquired a hard, icy surface. Needing to douse the last embers of temptation sizzling through me, I let myself fall into it.
My temperature plummets, my cock mercifully deflating.
It would have been wrong for me to intrude on that moment. To take advantage of something I never should have been privy to.
But I’m sure as fuck not going to forget it.
That shell of Carmen’s is starting to crack.
She wants me just as bad as I want her.
Okay, that’s still probably not true. I don’t think it’s possible for her to want me as bad as I want her.
But she still wants me enough to moan my name while getting herself off.
Damn it, that’s a start.