Chapter 19 #2
“For sure, no problem. We’ve got a bonfire going in the backyard so it won’t even be too cold.” The cold isn’t too harsh tonight, either. I could get down on my knees with gratitude to the weather for being mild enough to let Carmen wear that skirt.
Amazingly, we find the area around the bonfire empty. We take a seat in two lawn chairs next to each other. Comfortable warmth radiates from the fire. A deeper warmth spreads through my chest at how intimate this moment feels.
“How was your day?” I ask. “I hope the fact that you finished my chili yesterday didn’t make it impossible for today to be anything but a huge disappointment in comparison.”
“Nah, don’t worry. I got a gas station hot dog today to make sure it would be up to par on the culinary front.”
“Ouch, low blow. Don’t insult my chili. I’m too sensitive for that.”
She laughs, shaking her head. I really like the way her eyes crinkle.
“Sorry, I should have known better.”
“It’s going to take me weeks to get over it.” I try to put on a sad voice, but I’m given away by a smile I can’t hold back.
Her pretty brown eyes roll. “You know I’m kidding. Your chili was great.”
I shake my head firmly. “I don’t believe you now. You’ve killed my cooking confidence.”
“Now you’re just fishing for sympathy.”
We both laugh. A comfortable silence settles over us. The fire is warm, the air is crisp, and the sounds from my house feel miles away.
“But really, how was your day?”
She lifts a shoulder. “Eh. Frustrating. I had the day off, but I couldn’t do anything other than struggle with the chapter I’m writing.”
“Still having writer’s block?” I ask.
“I haven’t made any progress since I told you about it, actually. It’s just been non-stop. All because of this one stupid scene.”
“What’s the scene about? Why’s it giving you so much trouble?”
“It’s the first time my male and female main characters get physical with each other. I want the scene to have a lot of charged sexual energy, and I’m struggling putting it into words.”
Heat crawls all over me in a flash. Just hearing Carmen say the word sexual has pressure swelling in my groin.
“Oh,” I answer. I’m instantly embarrassed at the choked sound that comes out of my mouth.
Carmen looks at me. An amused grin curls on her lips. “Jamie, you’re beet red.”
I swallow. “Must be the fire. You know … because it’s hot.”
The grin disappears from her face. She sighs, sinking lower into her seat. “Writing two people succumbing to unbearable erotic tension is harder than I thought. No pun intended.”
My cheeks burn. The pressure between my legs turns tight and hot. I readjust to keep the bar of my growing erection from showing in my pants.
A very entertained-looking smile reappears on Carmen’s face when she turns to me.
“Jamie, you can’t get this embarrassed when I mention sex.”
I can feel myself proving her wrong as my cheeks grow warmer.
Carmen laughs. It doesn’t sound any less sweet even if it is at my expense. “Geez. With the way your face is turning into a tomato, you’d think you’re a virgin or something.”
The warmth and color quickly seep out of my face. My stomach makes an unpleasant movement.
Do I deny it? I wouldn’t even have to lie outright. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just laugh it off, acting like Carmen’s statement is ridiculous without actually commenting.
But I don’t want any dishonesty to be mixed in the foundation of any relationship that might develop between us. Definitely not outright lies, but not lies by omission, either.
So, I stay quiet. I don’t deny it, and I don’t play it off. A long beat of silence stretches. Carmen’s smile drops. Awareness flashes in her eyes.
Her eyebrows pull together. “You are?”
A sinking feeling digs into my chest. The idea of Carmen losing interest because she judges me for being a virgin … I hate the thought. But I hate the thought of lying to her even more.
Besides, I’m not embarrassed by the fact that I want to save my first time for someone I feel a real connection with. If that’s an issue for her … well, it was never going to work out in the first place, then.
I nod and shrug at the same time.
“Really?” she asks.
“Really.” Another beat of silence. “You think it’s weird.”
She shakes her head quickly at the statement. “No, I don’t. Seriously. It’s just … unexpected.”
Some of the stiffness in my shoulders goes away. She might be lying about not thinking it’s weird, but if so, at least she’s bothering to lie. At least she’s not looking at me like I have two heads, like she’s judging me.
“Does it ever bother you, living with guys who are such man-whores? Like a vegetarian living with people who only eat meat every meal?”
Her analogy makes me laugh. “No, it doesn’t bother me at all. Casual hookups aren’t what I’m looking for, so seeing other people indulge doesn’t have any effect on me. It’s more like seeing someone else eating a food you don’t like. It doesn’t make you hungry, does it?”
Carmen nods. “Yeah. That makes sense.”
“The only thing that makes me feel … I guess envious is the word, is seeing Sebastian and Harper. Seeing how happy they are together. That’s what I want.”
“Mhm,” Carmen hums. She’s turned her face to the fire, and I can’t quite read the look on it in the glow of the flames. “So you don’t feel like you’re missing out?”
“Not really.” But then I run my tongue thoughtfully against the crease of my lips. “Although …”
“Although, what?” Carmen asks, turning to me with interest.
There’s just one anxiety I’ve had about being a virgin. It’s not something I should share with Carmen. It’s too personal. But I guess I’ve already downed too many drinks tonight, because I find that I can’t tighten my lips.
“It’s just … I know at this point, when I have my first time, it probably won’t be her first time. Which is fine with me, I really don’t care about that at all. But I do sometimes worry about letting her down, because I’ll be inexperienced compared to her.”
“Trust me,” Carmen replies, “experience doesn’t mean you’re good at it.
People with plenty of experience let their partners down all the time, because they don’t care.
I don’t think you need to worry about that.
” She takes a pull of her drink. “Hell, experience doesn’t even mean you know what you like. ”
She turns back to look at the fire. Something’s shifted with her energy. She seems rueful. And the way she made that last comment, about experience not meaning you know what you like … there was a bitter tone in her voice.
I want to know why, but it’s clear from her demeanor that it’s not a topic she wants me to follow up on. At least not right now.
Maybe I should give her an out. An opportunity to leave this conversation if the information I just shared renders me totally unattractive in her eyes. If that’s the case, I guess I’d better rip the band-aid off fast.
“By the way, I can go introduce you to the girls if you want. They’re friendly. You’ve probably seen them at Last Word a bunch of times.”
I’m more than half expecting to find her eager to put some distance between us after what I told her.
Instead, she shakes her head. “Nah. Some other time. I like just sitting here with you right now.”