Chapter 6
SIX
UDO
They stared at each other for a second. The moment had been exquisite.
“I don’t regret that,” Udo blurted out. “Before you say anything.”
“Udo…”
“Don’t ruin it,” Udo said. “Let’s get dressed and go.”
Steven nodded. The tears were rising in Udo’s chest. He meant what he said. Well, except for making Steven uncomfortable, which it evidently had.
They dressed and got onto the path.
“That was reckless,” Steven said eventually.
“I’m sorry. I should have asked. I assumed you felt the same way.”
They retraced their steps to the car park. The atmosphere between them thick enough to cut with a knife.
“Of course I do, but we’re in public. What happened then would be a tabloid editor’s wet dream.”
Whoa, wait a minute. Did he say that he felt the same?
He had a point though. Udo had worked very hard to keep his sexuality under wraps while playing soccer. Unfortunately, top league football was one place in society where being gay was absolutely not okay and was still newsworthy.
“You’re right,” he said. “I got carried away.”
Udo stole a glance at Steven. Was that sweat beading on his forehead?
“You know you just said that you feel the same way?”
Steven stopped. “I do. Not that it makes any difference. Nothing can come of it, Udo.”
The glimmer of hope that Udo had been holding since Steven most definitely returned his kiss evaporated.
“I know,” Udo replied, crestfallen. “Deep down, I know.”
“This isn’t a rejection,” Steven continued. “It’s a not now. We can’t.”
They carried on down the path to the car park. In some ways, Udo never wanted this to end. When it did, that moment where anything seemed possible would be over too.
“I agree. Javier would go berserk.”
“It’s not only that. You’re vulnerable at the moment. I would be taking advantage of you.”
“That’s nonsense,” Udo replied. “I won’t deny that this isn’t one my finest phases of life. I’m perfectly capable of making decisions. Bloody hell.”
Now Steven had annoyed him. How patronising.
“Are we having a row?” Steven ventured.
Udo shook his head. “Not at all. Don’t write me off as a timid footballer desperately holding on to his career.”
“I don’t see you like that at all.”
Sadly, the car park lay in the distance. The door would close on this conversation forever. Steven evidently would not entertain repeats.
“How do you see me?”
“Someone who’s been damaged by something and is fighting to come back. I find that very admirable.”
Udo found himself too choked to reply. For the first time in many months, he felt seen.
They were at the gate.
“I guess I’ll see you in the morning then?” Udo said.
“Bright and early.”
The next day, Udo sat in his car looking at the training facility. He hadn’t heard anything from Steven since they’d parted at the reservoir. He didn’t expect to.
You’re going to ruin your last chance.
He thought back to Rob’s words. He’d told him to keep a lid on things until he’d played out his career. Was that so hard?
But the feel of Steven’s lips on his had felt so right. Why did he have to choose?
Udo rubbed the bridge of his nose. The last thing he wanted was to leave another club under a cloud. It had been a miracle that they’d kept everything out of the papers the last time.
With a sigh, he popped open the door and got out. Rainclouds were forming. It appeared that their run of decent weather was at an end. Typical of northern England. Nothing lasted forever.
As Udo made his way to the entrance, the heavens opened. He jogged the rest of the distance and almost fell through the door. Growing up in Germany he was no stranger to wet weather. Even so, it was coming down in droves now. Training would be fun.
As he walked the corridors to the meeting room they used, he nodded at various staff members. He really must perfect everyone’s names if he was going to stay here.
That was the million-dollar question.
Udo opened the door. Steven was sat at the table with his laptop in front of him. Udo’s body instantly flooded with nerves when he saw his face. They needed to talk. How could Udo continue if they didn’t? He suspected that Steven felt the same way. That kiss had been on both sides.
Instead, he sat down and faced Steven.
Those lips. Those eyes. Fuck.
“I thought you weren’t going to show,” Steven said.
“I would never do that,” Udo replied.
The silence was deafening. Steven slid his laptop round so they could both see the screen.
“Today, we’re going to do some prep for the rest of the games we’ve got before the end of the season,” Steven said. “I’m sure you’re familiar with some of the styles of play. Did you do anything like this at Chelsea?”
Udo nodded. They studied playing styles all the time. Never one on one and never with such atmosphere though.
“Once or twice,” Udo replied.
Steven caught his eye. “Do we need to talk?”
“I reckon so. I don’t just kiss anyone.”
With a sigh, Steven pushed the laptop away and steepled his fingers.
“I didn’t get very much sleep last night,” he said.
“Why’s that?”
“You know why.”
Udo looked down. “I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable.”
There was just a table between them. Yet it could be a chasm.
“We overstepped the line yesterday,” Steven said. “We could have lost our jobs if we’d been seen.”
“I’m sorry,” Udo replied. “I couldn’t help myself any longer. I think you felt the same.”
Steven got up and walked over to the window. “Of course I do,” he said with his back to Udo. “I also value what Javier and I are creating here. When we took over the team, Brockton was lingering around the middle of the Championship. Now we’re in the Premier League. Do you know what that means?”
Udo had only ever played in topflight clubs before. He’d never had the experience of fighting for his place in the league. He supposed with that came a degree of arrogance that he needed to work on.
“I want to help Brockton make that count.”
Steven turned to face him. “Then we have to stick to business.”
It seemed a big ask. Udo had spent the evening half regretting what they’d done and half imagining Steven naked. It was a difficult balancing act.
“Okay,” he said. “I will try my best.”
“You have to.”
They managed to avoid the subject of the kiss for the rest of the session. Udo settling with just sharing some time with Steven.
After he’d changed, the whole team were summoned to the squad room where Javier would unveil his grand plan for the next match.
Udo sat next to Ewen.
“All right?” Ewen asked.
Udo nodded. “Ready for this match.”
“Nice one.”
“We are honoured,” Shaun said as he swaggered past.
“Give it a rest, Shaun,” Ewen said. “Let’s have a knobhead-free day, yeah?”
“Sure thing, Ewen,” Shaun replied. “Can’t help getting excited that Holtmann is attending. I thought he’d be told what to do in his one-to-ones.”
Udo rolled his eyes.
“Sorry, am I boring you?” Shaun asked.
“You are, yeah.”
Everyone stopped talking when Javier and Steven entered. For a second Udo and Steven locked eyes. A flash of excitement erupted inside Udo.
Then it was gone as Jamie followed them through the door.
“What the fuck does he want?” Ewen whispered.
Visits from the management were never a good thing.
Jamie stood in front of them and clapped his hands together.
“Good morning, gentlemen,” he said.
Oh God, he’s being nice.
They all murmured their responses whilst glancing warily at one another.
“Now come on,” Jamie continued. “Let’s have some energy. I know you’re dying to get out on the grass so I’ll make it snappy. Our main sponsor, South Tel, are having an investor dinner in London this week. They’ve decided they want the full squad there.”
Everyone groaned.
Udo hated industry functions. They were usually full of drunken arseholes. They either fawned all over them or told them how shit they were compared to other players. Neither was a particularly pleasant experience.
“Cheer up,” Jamie said. “How about I ask Javier if we can relax the no drinking rule?”
They all whooped. Javier looked fit to burst.
“Wait a second…”
“Oh go on,” Jamie said. “Two drinks max. That won’t hurt.”
Javier was crimson.
“Fine but don’t come tearing a strip off me if we lose. This is on you.”
Jamie turned back to the squad. “Best not lose then, lads.”
Udo watched his teammates grinning and laughing with one another. They didn’t get much of a chance to get pissed together. Christmas and summer.
It wasn’t the idea of drinking that was giving Udo dread. He’d be going back to London for the first time since moving north. The idea made him want to retch. Instead, he painted a smile on his face.
Udo couldn’t help glancing across at Steven. To his astonishment, Steven was watching him intently. His face a picture of concern.
Then he got control of himself and looked away.
Udo desperately wanted to be completely honest with him. Maybe it was time.