Chapter 25 Kieran #2
“You don’t need to apologize.” She kept her voice breezy but she wouldn’t look at me. “That was actually the first time I’ve done that.”
Confusion made my brain reel. What? My words slipped out without thinking. “How can it be? What about the list?”
She frowned. “The list?”
I couldn’t lie to her face. “Look, I’m sorry. I saw your list. I didn’t mean to. It was on the dressing table when I was looking for you. You had rebound sex on there, so I just assumed there had been someone else before . . .”
She froze. Panic rioted behind her sensible spectacles, and scarlet stained her cheeks. She threw her hands up to cover her face. “No,” she breathed. “You saw that?”
“It was an accident. I shouldn’t have.”
Her expression turned from panic to horror. She set off, pacing, with her hands pressed to her face—quick, frantic steps and turns that reverberated across the small stone courtyard.
“I’m sorry. It was there in plain sight. I saw my name, and I couldn’t—”
“You couldn’t help yourself.” Her breath came in sharp bursts. “I didn’t write any of that. You have to believe me. None of that sex stuff. It was one of my teammates. I promise I didn’t write it. That’s not me at all.”
I stepped in front of her. “Please stop.”
She tried to dodge around me, but I caught her elbow, holding her still. “It’s OK. I don’t care if you wrote it. I’d never judge you for anything like that. Not one bit.”
She peered at me through the gaps in her fingers. Her voice was a shaky whisper. “I’m so embarrassed.”
I stepped closer. I wanted to pull her into my arms but I couldn’t be sure that she’d welcome it. Instead, I gently peeled her fingers away from her face, and stroked my thumb across her cheek. “Just breathe. It’s OK. It’s fine.”
She drew a shaky breath, and her words came out in a fumbling stream.
“Last night was my first time. I wanted to wait until it felt right, and I didn’t know whether to tell you in case it freaked you out.
This is not a big deal to me. It’s not like I’ve been holding off until I get married or anything like that.
This doesn’t mean you have any obligation toward me.
It’s never felt right before, and I didn’t want to force it. ”
“It felt right with me?”
“You made me feel . . . safe, I guess.” She shrugged and her eyes slipped away. “I’ve never felt like that before with anyone.”
How to process that? Honored probably wasn’t the right word, but it was an honor.
Joanie could play it down if she wanted, but first times mattered, because you remembered them.
And I did have an obligation. She’d put her trust in me.
She’d given me a gift that I was unworthy of, but I wanted to work hard to repay it.
To show her she’d made the right decision about me.
I wanted to be a good man because Joanie looked at me like this, with all this warmth radiating out of her like sunshine, and she deserved the world.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Would you have wanted me if I’d told you?”
The vulnerability in her voice made me ache behind my rib cage.
I hesitated for too long, but it wasn’t a straightforward answer.
It would have felt a lot heavier. I definitely wouldn’t have railed her over a balcony like a fucking jackhammer.
It had been so long since I’d had sex, and this woman had made me crazy.
She’d felt so good that I’d barely been able to contain myself.
That wasn’t how a first time should be. I would have taken my time and been gentle. Guilt made my shoulders heavy.
“You should have told me. I would have made it special.”
“Special? In what way?” Her lips curved in a smile that betrayed her curiosity. “Rose petals and satin sheets?”
“If that’s what you’d wanted.”
A mix of wonder and surprise flashed in her eyes. “Really?”
“Really.”
I meant it. If she’d given me the chance, I would have done everything differently. She deserved better than what I’d given her last night.
“Then I’m glad I didn’t tell you. I wouldn’t have wanted you to do anything differently.
” She fiddled with her pajama top. “I’m not experienced, but I wanted it .
. . you . . . I wanted you, and I don’t regret it.
I don’t want you to feel pressured that you have to give me some amazing first-time experience. ”
I hesitated, still bewildered by this new information. I had no idea what I’d done to be worthy of her trust, but now that I had it, I’d do anything to keep it. “It should have been better. Did I hurt you? I’m sorry if I did.”
“No. It was perfect.”
Good thing. My shoulders relaxed a little. I couldn’t stand the idea that I’d hurt her.
“Wild, and horny enough to tick off the list?”
She cringed but a faint smile trembled over her lips. “Yes.”
“What about all the other things you have on that list?”
She fiddled with the thin gold chain around her neck. “I told you. I didn’t write that list.”
“I know, but are those things you want to try, or . . . ? Because I could help you. If you wanted help with any of that.”
She blew out a breath and took a step back. “I didn’t write the list.”
Time to drop it. “Of course. Right. I get it.”
Awkwardly, she cleared her throat. Her voice wavered with uncertainty. “I didn’t write it, but . . .”
“But?”
She lifted her chin, meeting my gaze. “I might be open to some help with it.”
My pulse pounded. This woman had never looked more beautiful. “Oh.”
I watched her throat bob as she swallowed. Her guilty eyes dropped to my lips. “If you wouldn’t mind?”
If I wouldn’t mind? Like I wouldn’t kill for the opportunity. “I’d be honored.”
The smile that stretched her pretty lips was the most radiant thing I’d ever seen.
“OK.” She nodded as though we were about to shake on an important business deal. “We might have to wait though. I don’t think we can do anything for a day or two. You’re quite . . . big.”
I reached for her hands and gathered her in my arms. Her soft curves molded to me. Such a relief to hold her after seeing her so panicked. I locked my hands around her spine and placed a kiss on the top of her head.
“Big, huh?”
Her chuckle reverberated through my chest. “I’m just a little sore.”
I whispered into her hair. “Why don’t you let me kiss you better?”
“I don’t think it’s going to help.”
“That depends where I’m kissing.”
She kept her face pressed against my T-shirt. I pushed her gently back so I could look at her. Her blush was the brightest I’d seen.
She bit her lip. “You don’t have to do that.”
A shiver of anticipation went through me. I could drive this woman out of her fucking mind, and I’d be the first to experience that with her. I could take my time and make up for last night.
“Look at me.” I tilted her face up with my finger. “That’s something on your list, isn’t it? Oral? Do you trust me to make it a good experience for you?”
Her eyes met mine. A shock of heat spread through me. I was up for the challenge of making that blush deepen. She nodded. I took her hand and tried not to break into a sprint. I shouldn’t have been volunteering for this, but fuck it. I’d never been good at playing by the rules. Not even my own.