18
Monday, June 9th
Lexi
Ginger packs up her notebook and headphones and fifty-five snack wrappers, while I put away everything I’ve brought to the lab with me today. It’s going on eight o’clock, and I’m ready to go home and enjoy some solitude.
At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself after a week of not seeing Blake. The last time I saw him was the Sunday night that ended with his face between my legs. And the last time I spoke to him was via text on Thursday while I was in my meeting with Dr. Blevin’s PhD cohort.
I didn’t try to reach out to him all weekend. But that’s probably a good thing.
Though, you certainly wanted to respond to all five texts he sent you…
I internally shake my head at myself. Blake’s effect on me is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. When he’s near me, I don’t think straight. I get caught up in pheromones and hormones and straight moans, and I lose my mind. I let myself get distracted from school and from myself and from the complicated part of being several years older than him and the fact that he’s the star freaking quarterback of Dickson University’s football team.
I forget who I am and what I want and how unconcerned I am with having a relationship or companionship or for someone else’s feelings altogether.
But given a little distance and time, I’m finding my rhythm again, settling into keeping to myself and my computer and working on graduating from Dickson with my final doctorate and moving on with my life.
It’s business as usual.
And I’m happy about it. Really. I am.
I think.
“Man, Lexi.” Ginger lets out a deep sigh. “I can’t believe we only have a month and a half left of school before we have to go out in the real world and do real-world things. Can you?”
I shake my head. These days, I can’t believe a lot of things.
“I have three weeks’ worth of work left to cram in a two-week bag, but I’m not panicking. See?” she asks, widening her eyes in what she thinks is a calm expression. “This is me…not panicking.”
“Oh yeah.” I laugh. “You look calm.”
“Yes. I’m calm. Calm, calm, calm .”
“Ginger, it’s going to be okay.”
“Are you sure, Lexi? Because it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.”
Ironically enough, I know what she means—though, for me, it has absolutely nothing to do with school.
I know I’ve been avoiding Blake, but it also feels like he’s been avoiding me. And, as it turns out, I don’t like that very much at all.
“I am sure, Ginger.” I try my hand at comforting her. “I think, from what I can tell, all of this won’t feel so important anymore when we get out in the real world. Out there, there are real problems and real solutions, and none of this performance art the university puts us through.”
“I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse,” she muses with a snort.
“I know.” I shrug. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, you want to go get something to eat?”
I shake my head. “I think I’m just going to go home.” After a quick realization that this is an opportunity to grow a friendship with someone I don’t hate being around, I add, “But thank you for inviting me. I’d love to go another time.”
Ginger beams. “Awesome. Maybe later this week?”
“Sounds great,” I agree.
Ginger hoists her stuffed bag up onto her shoulder and heads for the door, waving as she does. I wave back and look down, only to startle when she clears her throat.
“Hey, Lex?”
“Yeah?” I ask, glancing her way and then down at my bag again as I tuck my water bottle into its pocket on the side.
“DoorDash is here.”
My gaze jerks to the door just as Blake scoots inside, a bag of food, again, hanging from his strong, capable fingers. Ginger smiles shyly and waves again. “Lunch soon, Lex.”
I know now it’s more than a promise for a meal—it’s a sworn testament that I’ll need to be spilling some beans as well.
I’ve never had a girlfriend expecting gossip before. Really, the closest friend I’ve had since childhood is Connor. And he’s way too self-involved to be worried about the details of my secret love life. Not without me very plainly pointing them out anyway. Plus, it’s never ever felt right talking to Connor about stuff like that.
As Ginger leaves, Blake steps inside, pulling the door to the lab shut behind him with a click and standing just inside. “Hey, Lex.”
“Hi, Blake.”
“Hope it’s not a bad time.”
I shake my head. “I was just packing to leave.”
“How about I walk home with you? We can eat there.”
“Yeah. That works.”
I grab my tote and hike it up onto my shoulder, scooting my chair in under my desk and heading for the door. Blake stands next to it, waiting patiently, but when I reach for the handle, he blocks it with his hand. “Just…one thing first.”
“Yeah?” I ask, my breath catching in my chest.
“You wouldn’t happen to be avoiding me, would you?”
“Blake—”
“Because I’ve texted a few times, and you haven’t responded,” Blake says, his voice sharp, but the hurt beneath it is unmistakable. His jaw tightens as he holds my gaze. “And I don’t know, maybe this is crazy talk, but as a guy who had his face between your legs the last time we saw each other, I thought reaching out would at least garner a response.”
The heat rises to my cheeks, and my grip tightens around the strap of my bag. “I’ve been really busy,” I mutter, my voice barely above a whisper. Avoiding you because you make me feel out of control.
“Oh, I imagine you have been,” he shoots back, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “ Very busy talking yourself out of liking me and out of whatever this special thing is between us. Very busy figuring out how to scrape me off without having to say it out loud. Very, very busy.”
“That’s not what I’ve been doing,” I snap, my voice trembling slightly as my defenses kick into high gear. My chest feels tight, like there’s a weight pressing down on it, and I force myself to meet his piercing gaze. I need to hold the line, but his words threaten to crawl under my skin and dig into places I don’t want exposed.
“No?” he asks, stepping closer, his eyes searching mine with an intensity that makes me want to squirm.
“No.”
“Then what have you been doing, Lex?” His voice softens, but the frustration remains. “Because I’m trying to understand here. Should I cut and run now, before the heartache really sets in? Before it hurts so much to be shunned by you that it turns me inside out? Or should I hang in there a little longer, hoping you’ll change? Hoping you’ll see the potential in the two of us like I do?”
“It’s more complicated than that, Blake,” I manage, my voice shaky. I fidget with the strap of my bag as if the motion can steady me. “You don’t…you don’t understand what it’s like in my head. You don’t have the thoughts or the pressures that I do. You don’t… Your brain doesn’t work like mine.”
“Well, of course it doesn’t. No two people think the same, Lex. None. So, what makes us so different? If I’m willing to learn and understand who you are as a person, why can’t you do the same for me? Why can’t it work? Opposites end up together all the time. Look at Finn and Scottie, for shit’s sake. You want to tell me they’re the same? Not a chance.”
“It’s just easier this way.”
His face crumples at my words, and I know immediately that I’ve hurt his feelings—I’ve hurt my own too. But it’s true. Trying to make it work with him is the harder road. Period.
He nods then, his eyes a little sad as he holds out the bag of food. I lick my lips to try to stop myself from freaking out. Emotionally, this all feels like too much .
“Here. You can have the food.”
“Blake.”
“Take it, Lex.” I grab the bag before it drops as he shoves it off his own finger. “I, for one, am not feeling all that hungry anymore.”
I flinch as he pushes open the door to the lab, effectively nudging me and the abandoned food bag out of the way. The door slams against the wall outside from his powerful shove, echoing through the empty, dark hallway as he powers down it without looking back.
My heart pounds and my stomach flips over, sick to itself.
What have I just done?