Chapter 14
Hudson
Too wound up to sleep after a particularly harrowing call at the fire station early this morning, my body sags with exhaustion even though I know sleep will evade me. Still wearing my pager in case I’m needed again—which is unlikely—I drove straight to the lake to try and calm my mind.
But that hope has gone out the window with Shannon’s presence.
I don’t think she’s been physically harmed. Monica was right, I’m pretty good at reading people and I didn’t get the sense that Gregor was violent—but that doesn’t mean he didn’t deliver an emotional blow.
Moving both of my hands to Shannon’s back, I start rubbing soothing circles across her hoodie, my fishing lines completely abandoned.
She’s back to nuzzling her face in my neck and I feel the instant her lips connect with my skin.
I bite back the groan because I’m happy to listen to her and help her through whatever this is, but I would hate myself if she felt any pressure to cross a line she isn’t ready for—or worse, if I let her cross that line out of spite for whatever her husband has done.
I turn my head to look down at her and gently remove my skin from her greedy mouth. She notices the distance and isn’t a fan.
“Why doesn’t anyone want me?” Instead of a pout, I hear only genuine curiosity in her voice and that’s so much worse, because how can she think that?
“Who said I don’t want you?”
“You won’t kiss me.”
“It has nothing to do with me not wanting you, Shannon. You’re married and I’m…
complicated. It would be easy to get carried away and let you take all of your frustrations, hurt, and anger out on me, but a piece of me would die later when you woke up and saw me as nothing more than a regret,” I admit.
This makes her sit up. Still not a fan of the distance, she places her hands back on my chest, staring holes into my jacket-covered pecs in the darkness. Thank God for my layers because if she were to put her hands to my scorched skin, I don’t know that I’d be able to hold back.
“Well, my husband doesn’t want me. He’d rather get off to porn by himself than make any effort to be with me.”
My blood boils in rage. What kind of an asshole has a woman like this at home and starves her for affection because he prefers his own hand? An arrogant, self-absorbed, insecure asshole, that’s who.
I bring my hands to rest on her waist, loving how it indents before her hips flare out. What I wouldn’t give for her to turn so she’s straddling me and I could—
Hudson, you fucking dick, pay attention or you’re no better than her asshat of a husband.
“Shannon, you are the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on, and if this was just about two people wanting each other, I’m certain we’d have no problem. But we aren’t just two people.”
Suddenly, her eyes snap to mine like she’s actually noticing me for the first time.
“Jesus Christ, Hudson, I’m so sorry.” She goes to move off my lap, but I hold her in place. “You don’t want to hear all of this. God, I don’t even know what I’m doing anym—”
“Shannon, stop.”
She keeps trying to pull away.
“I can’t believe I’m here. I need to—”
“Shannon, stop.”
She’s in full-blown panic mode. Squirming in my lap, trying to run away again.
She can’t drive like this and I can’t get her to focus.
It’s almost like she’s on something, but I recognize the intense need to flee in order to make the trauma not real.
I saw it more times than I could count when I was deployed.
I saw it again in my sister after Will died.
Needing to ground her fast, I cup her face in my hands and pull her to me.
Less than an inch apart, I whisper, “Shannon, stay with me. You’ve had an argument with your husband.
They happen. You haven’t done anything wrong.
You needed someone to talk to and I was here.
You haven’t crossed any lines. You’re hurt, but you can recover from this. ”
Ever so slowly, her eyes come into focus, unfortunately, they’re now full of desire and staring at my lips.
“That’s the thing. I don’t think I want to recover from this.
I’m tired, Hudson. I’m tired of trying to keep everyone afloat by myself.
I’m working to make changes in my life, but I still feel so alone.
” She sighs and nods, regaining control of herself, causing me to drop my hands from her face.
“What do I do?” she asks, the sadness in her voice fucking gutting me.
I think about her question for a minute before starting cautiously.
Choosing to take Jake’s approach, I list her choices.
“The way I see it, you have three options.” She might have more, but only three will help her make progress so she doesn’t end up back here, and possibly in the arms of someone dangerous and willing to take advantage of the situation.
“You can stay with him and work it out. You can stay with him and continue to be miserable. Or you can leave.”
“All of those choices feel impossible,” she says with a humorless laugh.
“None will be easy,” I admit. “But you said you were already making some changes in your life. What does that mean?”
She shifts her weight and in a lithe movement, swings her left leg over my lap and slides it under the small armrest of the chair…
which means she’s now straddling me. She’s wearing sweatpants and the loose material forms to her where we’re connected, offering no substantial barrier.
The only defense we have right now is the zipper on my jeans and I’m about to test the shit out of this manufacturer. Okay Levi, let’s see what you’ve got.
“Well, I’ve decided I’m going back to work. It was actually a conversation you and I had that helped me pull that trigger,” she says nervously, like she’s waiting for my judgement.
“That’s a big step forward. I’m really proud of you.
” I don’t know how to tell her that I’m happy for her without sounding like I want her marriage to fail so I can shoot my shot, but what’s she’s doing is really fucking hard and I am proud of her.
Going up against the people we love is a much more challenging beast than overcoming the thoughts of strangers, which is already hard enough.
The more she talks about her field and the jobs she’s applied for, the more animated she becomes and it causes her to wiggle in my lap.
Her feet don’t touch the sand when she’s sitting like this, and I swear she’s got to be pumping her legs like she’s on a swing for as much as she’s sliding back and forth.
The friction doesn’t go unnoticed.
“I loved every aspect of it. Even the paperwork. But I miss the patients the most. I couldn’t help everyone, but the ones I could…it was the most rewarding thing,” she raves.
I hate myself for it, but I crack just a little and have to clamp down on her hips, my voice low and tight.
“I love your enthusiasm, Dr. Hartley, but I’m gonna need you to wiggle a little less while you’re sitting here.”
She looks confused for a second before she looks down. I’m surprised she can’t feel the steel rod along my right thigh since it’s about to push her out of my lap.
She reaches down, like she’s going to place her hand over top of it, but I catch her hand first, pinning it to my stomach instead.
“Shannon, you don’t want to do that.”
“Yeah, Hudson, I do.” She’s breathing hard. “It’s been a long time since I created a noticeable reaction in a man like this…then again,” her eyes flash to mine, “I don’t think I’ve ever been with a man like this.”
I’m not entirely sure what she means. She could mean she’s never been on another guy’s lap while she’s been married, she could mean a guy with tattoos, or she could mean—
“I want to know how it feels in my hands.”
Okay, we’re talking about the size of my dick. Got it.
I like to think I’m a decent man. That I have decent morals and I treat women with respect. I like to think I’m a good partner and when I do settle down one day, I want my wife to be proud of the man I am.
But right now?
I’m about three seconds away from saying to hell with all of the good guy shit and fucking this woman the way she craves right here in the sand. I still have her hand trapped against my lower stomach to keep her from touching the flagpole down my leg, but my resolve is wavering.
“I’m not saying no. I’m saying not right now.
” Lord, forgive me, I mutter in my head.
It’s the best I can do. I’m a good guy, but I’m not a saint, for fuck’s sake.
Aloud, I explain, “I need to know you’ve thought this through and it isn’t a reaction to catching your husband getting off to someone else. ”
I can tell she’s gearing up for a convincing argument because she goes still, looking me dead in the eye.
“No one talks about affairs from the side of the cheating spouse. It’s always presumed that they’re totally selfish and lack morals.
Once a cheater, always a cheater and all that.
Everyone assumes they’ve been having affairs for years.
That they have no remorse for hurting the other person.
But why does the phrase there’s two sides to every story not apply to adulterers?
Why will no one ask what happened to make her think this was the best option?
” Shannon’s words contain merit and I don’t dare interrupt as she continues.
“Sure, it’s recoverable in today’s society, but you’re still branded with that scarlet A for the rest of your life.
No one talks about how hard it is to end up here.
How you can feel utterly abandoned and let down by a spouse who never cheated and who physically still shares your bed.
Or about how disgusted we can be with ourselves, but at the same time, be powerless to stop the force of these emotions in their tracks.
” When her rant loses steam, she finally heaves a heavy sigh.
“I still think about the last time you and I were here together.”
Her fingers trace unidentifiable shapes across my shoulders in the darkness as I admit, “So do I,” on a whisper.
“I could never regret you,” she whispers, moving closer to my face as she rolls her hips once.
“You’re really testing my willpower here, Shannon.” Because I have no doubt that I could fuck her so well she’d be begging to take my last name.
“It’s not your willpower I want,” she argues seductively, curling her fingers so I feel her fingernails through my clothes.
“Maybe. But I need it,” I choke out.
“Why are you trying to protect me?” she asks, halting her forward progress.
“I’m not. I’m trying to protect me,” I answer honestly.
When she looks shocked, I continue. “I’ve tried like hell to avoid it, but I think about you every fucking day.
I’ve gone so far as thinking about faking a delivery just so I can see you.
Every time I come to the lake, I hope you’re here.
I can’t get you out of my head, and it’s driving me fucking crazy.
I’ve tried getting laid, but yours was the face I saw when I came.
I haven’t slept with anyone since then because that’s not fair.
I’m dying over here and there’s not a damn thing I can do because the ball is entirely in your court. ”
“If that were true,” she swallows and I follow the movement, “we’d already be naked.”
“And then what? If it’s as amazing as we think it’ll be, I’ll fall in love with you, but then have to watch while you go back to him.
” Hurt flashes like lightening in her eyes, causing me to apologize.
“I’m sorry. That was harsh. I’m not good at one-night stands, Shannon.
I’m not built like that. I want a family and a partner. ”
I brush her hair back. She has a hat on, but the ends are sticking to her cheeks.
“So do I,” she says, choking back tears on the last word. She coughs to clear the emotion from her voice. “I should go. I need to be home by the time Gregor leaves for work.”
I remember my sister’s point—the guy has money, and if it came to a legal battle, he’d sink me simply because I can’t afford the legal bills.
“What does he do?” I ask.
“He’s an attorney.”
Of-fucking-course he is.
And then it clicks…why his name sounded so familiar.
Gregor Hartley was the defense attorney for the man who killed my brother-in-law. He’s the reason that drunk bastard is roaming free while I raise Will’s kids.