Chapter 15
Shannon
By the time I get home, I’ve replayed my morning with Hudson over in my head a thousand times. I’m still in such a daze when I walk in the door, I nearly miss Gregor sitting at the counter with his head in his hands until he speaks.
“Shannon, I’m sorry.”
He moves to hug me, but it feels wrong when Hudson’s scent still lingers on my hands, so I take a small step back.
“I need some time.”
“Let’s go away this weekend,” he says quickly.
“I’ve already emailed Tanner and the office manager and told them we have a family emergency and I’ll be unreachable and I’ll call my mom at first light to see if they can take Sera for a couple days.
” He’s rushing his words, almost like he’s in a panic.
“Why did it take us getting to this point before you finally listened to me?” I ask.
I should be elated because this is what I’ve wanted all along.
But I’m bitter, confused and angry. So fucking angry…
because it’s still about him. There was no conversation.
There was no would this weekend work for you?
And honestly? It doesn’t. The job I applied for with the fifty-fifty office time and telehealth option reached out with an offer, so I have several things I need to do to prepare.
Plus, I’d like to keep Serafina in her routine, not ship her off to my in-laws for the whole weekend.
He has the decency to drop his eyes to the floor when he answers me. “I don’t know. I guess I assumed you loved your life and were happy. I certainly didn’t think me jacking off was cause for your abrupt departure at three in the morning.”
I shouldn’t be shocked, but my eyes still widen at the blatant passive-aggressiveness in his tone.
Shaking my head at him, I fold my arms across my chest. “Don’t play these games with me, Gregor. You know damn well this isn’t about one porn video, and if you don’t know that, then perhaps we’re too far gone to even spend time trying to save this.”
It feels like the first real shot over the bow in warning that I’ve already got one foot out the door. Those words get his attention and he begins to pace the length of the island in the kitchen.
“I understand what this is about, Shannon,” he says through gritted teeth, unable to bear being at-fault for anything.
“Let’s get away this weekend. Just you and me.
We’ll reconnect like you’ve been asking.
” The desperation in his voice gives me pause and I realize this is another part no one talks about.
The yo-yoing emotions are enough to drive even the sanest of people crazy.
Depending on where I am and who I’m with, my resolve to leave can be resolute, solid as granite…
or it can waver, changing like the tides.
I don’t take leaving my husband lightly.
I don’t take flirting with and grinding on another man’s lap lightly, either, but fuck, I just need relief.
Emotional relief.
Mental relief.
Physical relief.
It’s not just like I woke up one day and decided I think I’ll cheat on my husband today and then leave him, and that was it.
I’m not suddenly sold on the idea and just ready to throw the last ten years to the wind and move on.
This kind of devastation is a slow burn.
A place where black and white fade into gray, first at the edges, and then slowly, it creeps inward until gray consumes the whole canvas.
I should be jumping for joy that Gregor is finally willing to spend this weekend together. My heart should feel lighter. My head should feel clearer.
However, all I feel is a sense of dread at being alone with my husband—a man I barely know anymore—for two whole days, and what’s worse, I no longer want the break from my daughter.
But as that sunless gray consumes the canvas of my life, I know I have to try.
For Gregor. For myself. For Serafina. Hell, even for Hudson, because if this doesn’t work and I find myself lucky enough to be in Hudson’s arms again, we both need to know I tried everything and I have no regrets. So, I really have to give this a shot.
One. Last. Time.
“Okay. This weekend,” I agree.
Trying to entice me by telling me I wouldn’t have to do any of the planning, Gregor offered to fly us to Manhattan, but I’m not quite ready to be in a different state from Serafina. He did his best to hide his disappointment and changed course without a word.
I’d requested the beach, but the response I got was, who goes to the beach in October? Most everything will be closed anyway since tourist season is over. So here we are, heading to our state’s second largest city…as if we don’t reside in the state’s capitol and see enough of the city as it is.
“I hope you’re hungry. I managed to get reservations at Starlight,” Gregor says as we walk into the presidential suite of our hotel.
Perhaps I’m jaded, or truly ungrateful, but except for being slightly larger, this hotel room looks like any other I’ve stayed in.
I don’t really see the need for all this space for only two nights, but I’m supposed to be trying to make this work, so I shove the negative thoughts to the back of my mind.
“Sounds great. I’ll get ready.” I offer him a smile and grab what I need from my bag. The restaurant is only a few doors down, so I don’t hesitate to throw on my dress and heels.
As I freshen my makeup, my thoughts wander.
In my mind, we’re in a small oceanfront house with a covered deck that connects to the master bedroom.
There are no skyscrapers, no horns honking, no fancy dinners.
There’s local fish grilled on a small charcoal grill on the deck, and a bottle of wine we drink with the waves as the background noise of our conversation.
We stay in bed naked all day with the doors open, watching an ominous storm rage over the water in the distance as the warm summer breeze rustles the curtains and hands begin to wander.
It doesn’t take long for me to realize that in my fantasy, where my mind is allowed to roam unchecked, it’s a pair of amber eyes—not deep blue—that look down at me as the weight of a solid frame descends along my body.
Shit.
Besides, my brain chides, Gregor’s never been a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of guy. To be fair, there was a time in my life when I loved that about him.
Perhaps I’m changing, and that isn’t his fault.
But it’s not really mine, either. It just happens.
When I come back into the living area a few minutes later, Gregor’s talking to someone on speakerphone while he writes on the notepad with the hotel’s emblem across the top.
“Yes, I can do that,” he agrees.
“You’re sure? Your announcement about being gone this weekend was fairly abrupt.” I recognize the disapproving voice of John Cox on the other end of the line. “If you and Shannon are having problems and need more time, I can ask—"
“No, it won’t be a problem,” Gregor responds quickly, using his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Everything should be resolved by Monday and I’ll be able to make the trip. Shannon and I are better than ever.”
“Glad to hear it. This is a big deal, Hartley. You get this done and we’ll have your name added to the sign by Friday, regardless of how the trial goes.”
“Understood.”
“Great. I’ll send you the info for the trip. Your flight is Monday morning at eight-thirty.”
“Got it. Thank you for this opportunity. I won’t let you down.”
Gregor taps the button to disconnect the call and turns to see me leaning against the doorway. His eyes are shining with excitement. “You heard that, right? They’re going to make me partner.”
“Congratulations, Greg.” I give him a sincere smile because I know he’s wanted this for so long. Part of me wonders what feat he’ll chase once his name is on that sign because he’s always looking ahead, but now’s not the time to ask.
“Shall we celebrate?” he asks, holding out his arm for me to take. “And may I say, you look breathtaking.”
I nod my head in thanks, afraid if I open my mouth the truth will spill out. I feel like a fraud. We aren’t better than ever. I don’t even want to be here with you.
At dinner, Greg orders champagne and appetizers.
The phone call really worked to put him in a good mood, and we manage to talk about Serafina for a while and how quickly she’s growing.
Eventually, I decide it’s as good a time as any to tell him my news.
Perhaps we can celebrate both of our career wins together.
“I was hired by LongRiver Healthcare. I signed the employment contract earlier today.”
I’m elated. I’ll have my own benefits, my own retirement contributions, and even a sign-on bonus, so my account will have forty grand in it by Monday. I keep that information to myself, though.
I watch Gregor’s jaw clench and his nostrils flare as he tries to get his anger under control.
It doesn’t work.
“That’s really what will make you happy?”
“It’s a start,” I reply, my hands growing clammy and my heart beating faster with the confrontation.
“Were you going to consult me about this?”
“No, Gregor. I don’t need your permission.” My tone is firm, but not aggressive, as I set my fork down on my plate, my appetite gone.
“Who will watch Serafina? Who will take over at the house?” He grows more annoyed with every question.
“We’ll hire a housekeeper and Serafina can stay with my mother some of the time and daycare some of the time.
” I haven’t actually asked my mom about this yet, but she and my dad moved from the coast to be closer to their granddaughter, and I know she’d be more than okay with the arrangement.
Plus, my parents are far more active than Greg’s, and I know my mom would keep Serafina on the schedule I’ve established with her.
“So, you’re just going to let our daughter be raised by other people? Including your mother? Serafina is our responsibility, Shannon.”
“First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having my mother watch her. And it’s laughable that you say Serafina is our responsibility when you wouldn’t make it through a day with her on your own.
You don’t know what she eats, when she naps, what toys she likes to play with.
Serafina has been my responsibility since the day she was created.
” I’m getting fired up and this isn’t how I wanted this to go.
“Not to mention, Serafina is with your parents as we speak.”
Regardless of my feelings toward him, Gregor is not someone I want as an enemy, so I try to get my anger under control.
“She’s there so that I could bring you on this trip you so desperately wanted! You’re telling me you’re going to just pass our daughter off onto others every day while you traipse about in pursuit of happiness?”
I stare at him, my mouth agape.
“Traipse about? Going back to practice medicine as a board-certified MD is what you consider traipsing about?”
Gregor sets his fork on his plate and dabs his mouth with his napkin like he doesn’t want to smear his lipstick.
Without intending to, I immediately think of Hudson’s short, scratchy beard.
The way he’d probably just hold the napkin to his mouth and wipe the whole thing at once, not really giving a damn if he missed a spot.
I smile thinking about how much he’d probably hate this place.
Meanwhile, Gregor is still fighting with himself to keep his own anger under control across the table. Finally, he nods.
“When you’re ready, we’ll discuss options.” He places two fingers in the air to signal the check, and doesn’t even look at me or the waitress when she collects his card.
I am ready and I have more options than you know, I think to myself.
We head home on Sunday no closer to each other than we were when we arrived. We’ve avoided any more discussion about my job, and I know Gregor is trying to sweep it under the rug as if it’s not happening.
Turning into the driveway of the home that is quickly becoming a prison, Gregor turns a puzzled expression my way. “Did you by chance order the new firepit we’d talked about? I’d love to have Simon and Renee over for cocktails sometime next week, after things settle down from this trip.”
“Right, the trip tomorrow. The order must’ve slipped my mind,” I muse out loud, as Greg keeps up the ruse that everything is fine between us.
“I’m sure it’s hard keeping up with the details of our lives since you know, you’re planning your return to work and all.”
He’s hurt.
I know he interprets me wanting to go back to work as him not being good enough or providing what I want, but that isn’t it at all, which I’d try to explain if he would just talk to me instead of lashing out every chance he gets.
Blood turns to ice in my veins as overwhelming sadness threatens to pull me under.
This is not the man I married. This is a prison guard.
The words I want a divorce are on the tip of my tongue, but I need to tread carefully.
I also need to get a few more things in place before I make the announcement, however, arriving at the conclusion I knew, deep in my marrow, was coming, I feel an unexpected wave of relief. A light at the end of my dark tunnel.
But for now, I have to bide my time.
“I’ll order it today,” I tell him. My voice doesn’t shake like I expected it to, but it is completely monotone. Gregor doesn’t notice though, since the end result is ultimately him getting what he wants.
“Perfect,” he says with a smile.
He pulls into the garage while I place the order for the firepit with next-day delivery and smile when I read the box at the bottom.
Signature required.