Chapter 17
Shannon
I’ve never missed having a girlfriend in my life quite like I do right now. There are just some things you need to process out loud, and the fact that I just rode another man’s lap to orgasm is one of them.
I grab Serafina out of her crib, prepare her snack, and finally settle on calling my mom. I don’t expect her to be supportive of my actions, but she’s always in my corner. If someone can help me through this, it’s her.
“Shannon, hi, sweetie!”
“Hey, Mom. Do you have a minute?”
I hear shuffling in the background and the release and groan of a recliner.
“Of course, is everything okay?”
“Um, well, not really.”
“Is Serafina okay?” my mom asks. I feel bad for making her panic.
“Yes, she’s fine. We’re all fine…physically.”
“Are you going to make me drag it out of you or will you save us the time and just jump in with whatever the hell is going on?”
I’m not even sure what I’m going to say until I just blurt the words out loud and to be honest, they aren’t the words I was planning on saying. I meant to confess the sins I’ve committed with Hudson, but my brain has other plans.
“I’m leaving Greg.” It’s the first time I’ve fully committed to the thought, but as soon as it’s out, I feel a wave of relief so great, I could cry.
I expect a shocked gasp, a groan of disappointment, an emotional why?
But I’m met with total silence on the other end of the line. “Um, Mom? You still there?”
She takes a deep breath and exhales into the phone. “You’re sure? You’ve already made up your mind?”
I sit with her questions for a moment and really let them sink in until I’m sure of my answer, and I realize with absolute certainty that even if things don’t work out between Hudson and I, things are over between me and Gregor.
His actions over the last several months have built a wall between us that I no longer care to climb.
“Yes. I’m sure. My mind is made up.”
“How long have you known?” she asks, still sounding cautious.
Another good question. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I knew, but I think our weekend away really sealed the deal.
“I was hanging on by a thread when Greg took me out of town this last time. Every choice he made was based on what he wanted and it was just him trying to placate me without making any changes to actually fix our problems. As soon as he agreed to the trip he’s on right now, despite our marriage being in serious trouble, I lost the desire to fight for it anymore, realizing that I’ll always take the backseat to whatever goal he’s chasing. ”
“Does he know?” my mom asks rationally.
“Not yet. I just accepted a job offer and I start in two weeks. I’d like to get a few more ducks in a row before I tell him, because I doubt he’s going to let me leave peacefully.”
“You’re going back into medicine?” She skips over the other stuff for now. It’s impossible to miss my mom’s tone of excitement and I smile even though she can’t see me.
“Yeah. I miss it,” I confess. “What do you think about the other part?” I ask warily. Even as an adult, I want to make my parents proud, and having some kind of approval for this massive decision could go a long way.
“What do I think about it? I think it’s about damn time,” my mother says, shocking the hell out of me. “Your father and I have been biting our tongues about Gregor for years, Shannon.”
“What?!” This is news to me. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because you were already married by the time he started changing. And then he became the father of my grandchild. And quite frankly, it isn’t our place to say anything. You have to live your life without our opinions interfering.”
I huff a laugh. “Unless of course, your opinion is that my husband isn’t the same man I met at the altar and would help me feel like I’m not the only one who seems to realize it.”
“But there was really no way for us to know that, now was there?” She’s not judging me even though she’s turning the question around on me. I guess I could’ve said something sooner, but I had mistakenly placed my parents in the same category as the general public—those who will think I’m crazy.
“Well, come over for coffee, or maybe something stronger, and you can tell me all about it. You know your father and I will help you however we can. I’m so proud of you for following your dreams and going back into medicine.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll come by soon, I promise.”
“Everything’s going to work out, honey,” she reassures me in that way that mothers can even if they—like the rest of us—have no idea what the future holds.
Part of me can’t believe I rode Hudson, fully clothed, and dry-humped him until we both got off. The other part of me, the part that has long-since been dormant, stretches her legs and arches her back like she’s emerging from a hundred-year slumber, ready to make up for lost time.
When my mom and I get off the phone, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders.
I’m also crawling the walls inside this house and I need to get out.
When I turn to discover that Serafina has thrown her pureed apple pouch across the room, I realize she needs a change of scenery as well.
After putting her in clean clothes, she and I venture to the aquarium, excited to get out and make memories. Serafina loves to watch the fish, and I love to watch the fish and the people.
It’s not terribly crowded today since it’s a Monday and not a school holiday. We’ve stopped at the whale tank, Serafina in awe on my lap, watching the giant creature slowly swim back and forth, when my phone dings, alerting me to a text.
There’s no stopping the smile on my face once I dig it out and see Hudson’s name on the screen.
Hudson
How are you feeling?
Shannon
Better than I have any right to. You?
The grin on my face is starting to make my cheeks hurt until his next text comes through.
Hudson
A mix of things. Is now an okay time to call?
I call him instead of answering the text.
“Hi,” he breathes into the phone, his voice already so achingly familiar.
“Hi,” I reply, my smile instantly returning at the sound of his voice, remembering the feel of his hard body beneath mine. The way his tongue teased and caressed mine without being too much. How his hands worked in tandem with his mouth and his hips pushed up into me.
“Do you have plans tonight?” he asks, catching me off guard. I was sort of prepared for a breakup speech.
“Same as always,” I reply. “Dinner alone and then Serafina’s bedtime routine. Once she’s down, maybe I’ll pour a glass of wine and make some bad decisions,” I tease, as Serafina coos loudly, clapping her little hands as a school of fish pass by the glass.
“Make them now,” Hudson says in a low voice that is completely serious.
“Come to my place for dinner. Bring Serafina. I have a Pack ‘n Play still here from my niece and nephew. You don’t have to bring anything but her diaper bag.” His offer takes me by surprise and it takes me a minute to answer him.
“I hear you overthinking things, Shannon. Come to dinner. I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself. ”
Finally, a laugh chokes its way out of me. “I can’t tell…are you trying to convince me to come over or convince me to say no?”
I hear his voice change with his smile. “In that case, I’ll put them everywhere you’ll let me. Just come. I’ll take care of dinner.”
“Okay.” It comes out as a nervous whisper, which of course, Hudson catches.
“There’s no pressure here, Shannon. I want you in my house tonight.
I want to talk to you and learn more about you.
I have no idea what I’m doing, but I can’t seem to stop, and the harder I try, the worse it becomes.
If you aren’t comfortable with any of this, just tell me and I’ll find the strength to end it.
I need you to want to be there because I can’t stomach the thought of putting you in another relationship you don’t want to be in. ”
I take a second to process his words, and my mind perseverates on the fact that he reads me so well and picks up on things even I struggle to name. Things even my husband can’t see despite living in the same house as me and talking to me every day.
There’s some hidden force at work here that I can’t explain.
Chance?
Destiny?
Desperation?
Whatever it is, it has me jumping in with both feet.
“I’ll be there,” I confirm before amending my statement. “I want to be there. Just send me your address.”
My heart is beating dangerously fast by the time we get off the phone and Serafina and I head back to the car half an hour later, my mind still spinning.
We’re almost to the parking lot when I pass an older woman coming into the aquarium as I’m exiting.
“Shannon Hartley? Is that you?”
I don’t immediately recognize the woman, but I give her a small smile. “It’s me.”
She must see the uncertainty on my face because she offers an introduction. “I’m Renee Billings, Simon’s wife.” Ahh, the reason I needed the firepit, which brought Hudson back to me and allowed for that scorching kiss. Heat rises in my cheeks.
“Oh, yes, of course!” My answer is too excited, but she’s kind enough to let it pass without comment.
“How lovely to see you again.” I can’t explain why, but I clutch Serafina to me a little tighter.
I’m not fearful that this woman is going to run off with my daughter, but I think I’m actually deriving strength from my infant.
And using both arms to hold her is a good excuse for not reaching out to shake this woman’s hand.
Renee is in her mid-fifties, well put-together, and she reminds me oh-so-much of the woman my husband wishes me to be: huge diamond on her ring finger with a matching set in her ears, perfectly coiffed hair and pressed linen pantsuit.
Before I can question the chosen fancy attire, she gives me an answer.
“I’m just heading out myself. I’m on the board of directors here. I’ve always loved the ocean and its inhabitants,” she muses, ushering me onward toward the exit.