Chapter 23
Shannon
Keeping up appearances has always been exhausting, but now I have to play the game for myself. Every day it becomes clearer that I want out. Right or wrong don’t even matter so much anymore because I certainly don’t expect anyone to understand or tell me this is okay.
Wednesday is a strange day to start a new job, but it’s been incredible.
It’s all administrative stuff: credentialing, paperwork, meetings with HR, etc…
but for the first time in a long time, I got to put on my lab coat and stethoscope.
I’m embarrassed to admit I almost cried when they gave me my badge.
To see Shannon Hartley, M.D. again makes my heart want to leap right out of my chest.
I’m greeted with warm smiles from the front office staff as well as the other physicians in the practice. Apparently, they needed help so badly I already have a full schedule of appointments. But thankfully, they capped it at twelve for the day to let me get my bearings.
Serafina was all smiles when I dropped her off with my mom this morning.
I’d told Greg I would be going in to the office and gave him the chance to spend the day with our daughter.
His response? I have deadlines, Shannon.
I don’t get PTO like other jobs. The way he spat other jobs was almost enough to make me yell.
Arrogant bastard doesn’t even realize physicians don’t get PTO, either. We just don’t get paid if we’re out of the office. It angers me that even now, he’s acting like my career as a licensed physician is just a fun hobby, something to do in my spare time.
My signing bonus came through and the first thing I did was make appointments to see apartments next week, as well as a couple of daycares. The way that having my own space fills me with excitement tells me I’m making the right choice.
At the end of the day, I’m buzzing with renewed energy as I slide my company-issued laptop into my new bag, ready to pour a glass of wine and look over patients’ scans this evening.
I swing by my parents’ house to grab Serafina and tell them all about my amazing day. I’m in such a good mood, I don’t even mind doing Gregor’s laundry or cooking dinner tonight. Having that external validation and sliver of independence has really adjusted my spirit.
Until Greg gets home.
He deposits his briefcase on the kitchen table unceremoniously as soon as he walks in the door, despite the table already being set for dinner.
I ignore the rudeness of the gesture and try to stay calm, but inside, I’m dying to talk to Hudson.
“Hi, Greg, I’ve just about got dinner done.”
“I just came home to change. I’m meeting Tanner for dinner to discuss some case notes,” he says.
At one point, not so long ago, my heart would have plummeted over him choosing to spend his time with others.
Now, I only feel relief that he isn’t going to force small talk on us.
“By the way, I invited Simon and Renee over for those cocktails, finally. We settled on Saturday evening. Could you make sure our bar is stocked with the usual high-end options? Simon is a rum drinker, but I’m not sure about Renee. ”
I’d really hoped he had forgotten about wanting the get together to happen in the first place.
“What time are they coming?” I ask.
“I told them seven. Could you do those trays of jalapeno poppers and those brie cheese pastries I love so much? Oh, and maybe some of those cream puffs too?”
I bite back a groan. Those little trays take all day, but I agree anyway, hoping it’ll earn me some points when the divorce papers are served and he realizes I’m serious. At this point, I’m pretty sure he’s waiting for me to change my mind and come crawling back to him, dripping with an apology.
He’ll be waiting forever.
Once Greg heads back out the door, I feed Serafina before enjoying my dinner…
and my wine…as I scroll through brain scans, refamiliarizing myself with the nuances of identifying and interpreting the images in front of me.
It’s a deep dive into gray matter, and it feels symbolic as some shades are darker and others lighter, but there is nothing here clearly defined with black and white.
Just like my life.
After dinner, Serafina and I move to the couch where she curls into my chest and I breathe deeply, contentment filling my soul as my daughter sleeps soundly on me.
I’m debating whether or not to text Hudson since I told him we should wait until Friday, when I realize the wine loosened my inhibitions just enough that I decide it’s worth the risk. But instead of texting, I call him, wanting to hear his voice.
“Hello?” he says slowly into the phone, like he’s not sure it’s really me.
“Hi,” I breathe, my smile evident in my voice.
“Are you sure calling is a good idea?” he asks, sobering me up a little.
“I’m pretty sure it’s a bad idea, actually, but Greg came home and went right back out, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to say hello.” And then because I’m a glutton for punishment, I add, “I miss you.”
“Christ, Shannon,” he breathes into the phone. “I fucking miss you too.” And then he asks the one thing that makes all the difference in the world. The one thing that reminds me this is worth the risk…that he is worth the risk. “How was your first day back in the office?”
Tears spill down my cheeks. Gregor didn’t even ask. I’m not sure why I expected him to, but when he didn’t acknowledge my big day, the final piece of the heart he once held shattered.
But like a phoenix rising from the ashes, my heart was reborn from the broken, jagged pieces, whole and coated in steel, and this time, I’ll keep a hold of it myself.
Even as things progress with Hudson, I’ve learned that it’s not his job to make me happy.
It’s not his responsibility to make me whole.
I have the power to do that on my own, and never again will I allow anyone to take that power from me.
From now on, I will share myself without giving myself away and I will maintain custody of my own happiness.
“It was so good,” I answer Hudson. “It’s exactly what I needed. Tomorrow I’m working from home getting the telehealth portion of my practice setup. I think I’ll really enjoy the split schedule. Thank you for asking.”
“I’ve thought about you all day. You don’t know how badly I wanted to text you and see how things were going,” he says, pouring joy into me.
“I appreciate that so much, Hud.” I’m not sure I’ve ever used his nickname, but this moment feels appropriately intimate and it just flies out. “How was your day?” I ask, genuinely interested.
“Long,” he answers honestly. “I know this probably sounds a little stalkerish, but I checked my schedule tomorrow. I have something for a couple of your neighbors. Any chance I can swing by to say hello? I can return the box you left in my truck…by mistake,” he adds in a smug tone.
It’s dangerous, stupid, risky, and altogether a bad idea and still, I hear myself say, “Yes.”
Gregor finally came to bed around midnight. I pretended to be asleep to save us both the hassle of an argument. The truth is, I really don’t care where he was or what he was doing.
This morning, he gave Serafina and I obligatory kisses before leaving, but has continued his pout and still didn’t ask about my first day at work. Honestly, it’s fine. It’s more ammunition for me. Maybe he’s also realized this marriage is over and has decided it’s not worth arguing any more.
Should that make me sad? Because it doesn’t.
Right around lunchtime, I hear Hudson’s truck rumble down our quiet street past my house. I can’t quite describe my displeasure over thinking about my neighbors ogling him, or worse, thinking he’s not worth ogling because he doesn’t make seven figures a year.
I’m lost to my thoughts when I hear his light rap on the glass of the front door a few minutes later, and I swear it makes me wet. Like Pavlov’s dog, that knock has my pussy trained to welcome him.
He knocks again and I hurry to greet him.
“Sorry,” I apologize quickly, my eyes scanning his face and body, trying to stay calm over the fact that he’s here. Oh, how I want to jump in his arms. It’s November and chilly out now, but he still has on brown shorts and a matching short-sleeved uniform top with the company logo over the pocket.
If my cheeks are half as flushed as they feel, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, his eyes darken as he takes in my dress and the corner of his mouth tilts into a smile.
“Is he home?” he whispers.
“No.”
“Do you expect him to come home?”he clarifies.
“Not for lunch. Greg’s calendar is still synced with mine and there’s a twelve-thirty meeting at a Japanese steakhouse on it.”
“Good.”
I pull Hudson over the threshold into my house and close the door behind him.
“Your truck…” I start.
“Is running, so we have three minutes at most.”
I give a disappointed laugh even though I’m not sure what I expected. Maybe another lunch hour? But even I know that would be way too risky at this point. “Damn,” I mutter.
He turns me into Gregor’s office and pushes me until I’m sitting on my husband’s desk before he reaches into the front pocket of his pants and pulls out… “Is that a vibrator?” I ask.
His cocky smile has me opening my knees wider.
“I need to hear you come, Shannon. It’s all I can think about.”
The low whir of the small device reaches my ears as he crashes his lips to mine and pushes my dress up.
He pauses to look down and his smirk widens.
“I like satin. It’s a tattletale. There’s no hiding how wet you are for me.” He presses the device directly over my clit through my panties. The combination of the soft friction and the vibration is extremely effective in propelling my already-high desire for him straight to the edge.
Unlike that awful night with Greg, Hudson is aware of how stimulation works and my orgasm is ramping up quickly with the mid-range setting.
My hands claw at his shirt, trying to get it untucked so I can place them on his warm skin. His muscles contract beneath my touch and I know I’d scale heaven and hell to wake up next to this man every day.
Hudson moves his lips to the sensitive spot on my neck below my ear and begins to rub the vibrator up and down, placing his free hand low on my stomach like he did before. As soon as he applies pressure to that invisible button, I fly over the edge.
“I’m…oh, yes…that’s…”
“Say my name, Shannon. Tell me you understand who makes you come.”
“Oh, shit, Hudson. You do.”
He works me through the unending waves of pleasure, somehow knowing when to back off with the vibrator, and I fall forward into his chest as he peppers kisses into my hair.
“I’ve got to get back to the truck,” he says, trying to adjust the raging hard-on in his pants.
“What about this?” I ask, placing my palm over the straining material.
“There’s no time. Besides,” he grins, “that’s what these are for.
” He holds his hands up, wiggling his fingers, making me laugh.
Then he cups my face and his expression grows somber.
“We probably need to talk about some things. I’m taking Cam and Ally to the aquarium tomorrow at five-thirty. Can you and Serafina meet us there?”
There’s a chance we could run into Renee again, but my desire to see Hudson and move this thing forward is so strong, I easily brush away the warning.
She doesn’t know Hudson, and he doesn’t have to say his name.
We can pretend like we know each other from work, or maybe his niece got lost and I returned her to him.
The lies flow easily and quickly into my brain.
“We’ll be there. We love the aquarium,” I confirm.
Hudson kisses me one last time and flies down my porch steps to his waiting truck.