Chapter Thirty-three Lacey
Chapter Thirty-three
Lacey
“He’s not coming,” I say to Claire as we stand around the bonfire at Doyle’s camp.
“Yes, he is. He won’t miss this.” The certainty in her words does little to convince me.
It’s been almost two hours, and he hasn’t shown. Something is wrong. I mean, of course something is wrong. They lost, and I knew he’d take it hard. But this feels bigger than that.
“I have a weird feeling.” My stomach is tied in one big knot.
Claire considers me for a moment, then takes my hand and walks us over to where Austin and Rowan are standing with the Whitlock twins and Hunter.
The guys have hung in groups tonight, taking shots or chugging beer—sometimes to celebrate all they accomplished this season and sometimes to mourn the loss.
Vaughn should be here. It’s not like him to flake on such an important night. These are his guys, some of whom he’ll never play with again.
“Did Vaughn ever show up?” she asks Austin.
Her boyfriend angles his body to let us into the circle. “No, I haven’t seen him.”
“He said he was coming,” Rowan adds.
“He was here. I saw him outside earlier.” All eyes go to Eddie as he speaks up.
“You saw him here?” I ask.
He nods. “He was in his Rover out front.”
“How long ago?”
“An hour or so.” Eddie shrugs one shoulder. “He looked pretty bummed out still.”
There’s no way he’s been here an hour and no one else has seen him.
“I’m going to go look for him,” I say to Claire.
She nods. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“I’ll come too,” Austin offers.
“No. I got this, but can I borrow your Jeep?” I ask Austin.
“Of course.” He reaches in for his keys and tosses them my way.
“If he shows up, text me,” I say, even though I don’t think that’s likely.
“Okay.” Claire steps forward and hugs me. “Check in, so I know you’re safe.”
I’m already backing away to go as I reply, “I will.”
* * *
When I don’t see Vaughn’s Range Rover out front at the party, I get in Austin’s Jeep and head back to the school. I’m not sure why that’s the first place I look, but something draws me back there.
Relief swoops through me when I spot his SUV parked behind the soccer field. I climb out of the Jeep and walk toward the building. The double doors are locked, so I walk around toward the field.
I don’t see him at first. The lights on the field are off, but the white of the soccer ball catches the moonlight.
Whatever terrible feeling I had before intensifies now.
He’s lying in the middle of the field with a soccer ball behind his head, staring up at the sky.
Walking around toward the field, I can see him more clearly. His slow breaths as he exhales into the cold night, his hands laced together at his stomach, and he’s not staring up at the sky like I thought. His eyes are closed.
I expected to find him shooting the ball into the net or punching something. Somehow this is so much worse.
“Hey, Collins!” I yell, infusing as much fun into my voice as possible. My heart is hammering in my chest.
He lifts up and looks over to me slowly. His expression is blank, as if he isn’t sure he’s really seeing me, or maybe he’s hiding his disappointment at being found. Vaughn sits up but doesn’t get to his feet, so I move closer.
My smile slips with each step. So much hurt is etched into his features.
“What are you doing out here?” I ask. It’s a dumb question, but I’m not sure how to break the ice. “Everyone was waiting for you at Doyle’s camp.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t feel like being around a bunch of people.”
“I get that.” I rub my hands together. It’s cold out. I don’t know how he’s been out here this long. His cheeks and nose are red.
“I’m sorry about the game. That sucks. I know how hard you’ve worked.”
He makes a deep, rough noise, and I can’t tell whether it’s agreement or disapproval.
“You’re going to freeze to death out here.” I offer him my hand.
He takes it, threading his ice-cold fingers through mine, but doesn’t make any attempt to stand.
“We don’t have to go back to Doyle’s. We could go somewhere else,” I say.
He drops my hand and then lies back on the ground. “I just want to be alone tonight. I’d be terrible company.”
My stomach sinks as he resumes the position I found him in. It’s like I can feel the barriers he’s building between us.
“We could go to the diner. Lemonades and chocolate milkshakes?”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but my favorite drinks aren’t going to help right now.” His expression is stony and serious.
“What will?”
He doesn’t answer.
I glance around, searching for answers. When none pop out of midair, I lie down beside him.
The ground is even colder than I imagined. It seeps through my jeans and nips at my face. We lie side by side. I reach over and slide my hand into his. The only confirmation I have that he even knows I’m here is the slight squeeze he gives my fingers.
“I’m sorry. I know today was a bad day. I’m not sure what to say or do, but I want to be here for you any way I can.
” Everything I think or say just sounds all wrong, and he doesn’t look any less upset.
“Losing always sucks, and I know how much the team and soccer mean to you. It’s okay to be disappointed. You don’t need to hide that from me.”
“It’s not just that,” he finally speaks. “I cost us the championship.”
“No—” I start, but he cuts me off.
“I fucked up in algebra, and then I let myself get distracted. I lost focus on what is important.”
“You got distracted?” I ask, trying to understand his thinking. I know he isn’t exactly rational right now, but I want to see it like he does.
“Yes. I mean, isn’t that obvious?” He lets his head fall to the side, so he’s looking at me.
Understanding finally dawns on me. “You were distracted by me?”
He goes back to staring at the sky, but his words are like a gut punch.
“I’m sorry,” I say, not even sure what I’m apologizing for. For tutoring him? Liking him? For him liking me? Does he really think either of us had a choice in that?
“It isn’t your fault. This is all on me.
I messed up when my GPA dropped, and the team had to switch things up to fill my absence.
And then instead of coming back with my full focus, I convinced myself I could be the kind of guy who can lead the team and be in a relationship.
But I’m not that guy. I never have been. You know this better than anyone.”
“Vaughn…” My voice breaks. “You cannot take on a team loss because of one mistake you made weeks ago.”
“It wasn’t just one mistake, though. That’s what I’m trying to say. My dad even tried to warn me.”
“He did?”
Vaughn’s chin dips in a nod. “He told me I’d regret losing focus, and I do.”
I know he doesn’t mean his words to cut me, but I can’t help but lump myself into his regret column.
“I’ve never known anyone with as much determination and focus as you. Your dad expects too much.”
“He knows what it takes.”
I guess I can’t argue with that.
“I like you, Lacey,” he says.
I live in that admission for just a moment, letting it fill me with happiness and hope even though I know there’s a “but” coming. And I don’t have to wait long for it.
“But I’m not sure I should get into a relationship right now. It feels unfair to you. I did this once before, and I swore I’d never do it again, and now here I am.”
“So don’t do it this time.” I sit up. My smile is brittle and my stomach clenches. “I’m not asking you to give up soccer or even spend less time doing it. I have my own life. We don’t need to hang out every night.”
“It isn’t just the time to practice. When we’re not together, I’m still thinking about you all the time.”
Under different circumstances that wouldn’t feel like such a terrible thing.
“So then what? We go back to being friends?”
“We weren’t really friends before. You hated me.”
“I didn’t hate you,” I say quickly, then add, “I just didn’t like you very much.”
“I know.”
“I thought you were too serious. Too focused on a singular thing at the expense of anything else. And you hurt Claire.”
“So you can understand why I don’t want to do the same to you. Having you hate me again would be crushing.”
I lie back down, this time resting my head on his chest. His fingers absently play with my hair. I’m not sure how long we lie there not talking, but eventually the cold has seeped into my bones, and not even his warmth can keep my teeth from chattering.
“Do you want to hang out tomorrow? I was thinking of going to the animal shelter to visit Pip.”
“I don’t know.”
“I might not be good at cheering you up, but I bet Pip will,” I say, trying to get a smile out of him.
It, of course, doesn’t work.
“I should probably spend the day watching the game video and practicing. I need to concentrate now more than ever.”
“On what? The season is over.” I regret the words as soon as they are out. They sound harsh, but my feelings are raw, and he’s being needlessly harsh on himself.
“It doesn’t stop for me. This is my life. Indoor club soccer starts in a couple weeks. When that’s over, there will be summer camps and offseason training. If I want to play professionally, then I have to be better.”
My heart squeezes in my chest. I can see how much he believes the words he’s saying. And maybe he’s right. I don’t know what it takes to be a professional athlete. But I can’t believe that this is the way. Even top athletes have families and hobbies.
“Okay.” I get to my feet.
“What are you doing?” For the first time since I arrived, he looks like he doesn’t want me to go.
“If you’re going to stay here all night, then so am I. I think I saw some blankets in the back of Austin’s Jeep.” I hitch my thumb in that direction.
He gives me a sad smile. “Go home, Lacey. Ruining your night is the last thing I want to do. This is about me. Nothing else.”
“I know.” I meet his gaze. “But sometimes you need to show up for people even when they don’t want you there.”
“It isn’t that I don’t want you here.” He stops talking and runs a hand through his hair. “I just don’t know how to do this. I want to. I thought I could, but maybe I was wrong.”
“You can do anything you put your mind to, Vaughn Collins. I believe that with my whole being.”
His dark blue eyes spark with pain, but he doesn’t react or agree with me. When Vaughn’s not fighting, he’s given up.
“Okay.” I nod when it’s clear he isn’t going to say anything else. “I’m going to go, but if you need anything, I’m here.”
Today was a bad day, but maybe tomorrow he’ll feel differently.
I don’t believe it even as I think it.