12. Chapter Eleven
Chapter Eleven
Laura
I watch Jax's green pickup pull into the driveway, and I adjust the peekaboo playset lingerie I bought and had overnighted the moment I found it online. It's barely lace, and my tits and ass hang out of it. Exactly what I need Jax to see to remind him what he's missing. What I'm willing to give him.
Hurrying into the bedroom, I stand in front of the full-length mirror and pretend I don't hear him knock. I know he'll walk inside eventually, and I want to give the illusion I wasn't expecting him. That it'll be a surprise for both of us.
His footsteps make my heart race, and I lift my tits with my hands as I tilt my head as though undecided if I like this or not.
"Laura, oh!" Jax says and turns his back as I see him in the mirror.
"Jax!" I gasp and grab for my robe, loosely pulling it onto my arms. "I didn't hear you come in. I thought you'd be longer."
"What are you doing?" he asks, chancing a peek to make sure I'm covered .
I pretend to feel bashful and drop my head. "I ordered something for our wedding night, and I tried it on just to see what I looked like. I can't decide if I like it or not."
"Oh," he says and swallows as I let the robe fall off my shoulder to expose my left breast. "The detectives came to take Allie to see if they can find where she escaped from."
The obvious attraction to Jax seeing my body has my stomach fluttering with excitement. If I can get him into bed, I know he'll remember how good we are together. "That has to be scary."
"Yeah, it is. I can wait while you change, Laura."
The robe falls off my right shoulder to expose my full chest. "It's not like you haven't already seen all of my body a million times before, Jax."
"I don't know if I'd say a million times," he says, and his eyes stay fixated on my hard nipples.
"What... uh... What did you want to talk about?"
The small little strangle of his voice makes me happy, and I straighten, walking over to him as I let the robe fall to the ground and showcase all of me for him. "I wanted to confirm it’s okay to start canceling everything for the wedding. We're going to lose our deposits."
He tears his eyes away and looks at the wall. "Yes, you should. I can cover your half of the deposits, if you want. I can help cancel things, too, if you need help. You shouldn't have to do everything by yourself."
No, keep your eyes on me. I know you want me. I see it. The lust and arousal. Look at me.
I reach up and turn his head back to face me, tracking the movement of his tongue as he runs over his lips. Taking my shot, I reach up and kiss him, my lips gentle at first, and when he opens his mouth, I know I've got him. His hands play with my tits, his fingers tugging and twisting my nipples. My body presses against his, and I feel his erection through his jeans. As we continue to kiss, I unbutton his pants and tug them far enough down to free him.
"Laura," he pants as I stroke him, his eyes closed. "Laura, we shouldn't."
Moving him to the chair by the bed, I guide him to sit, and I move to straddle his lap. "I know what you like. What you need, Jax. Let me take care of you."
I position him at my opening and sink onto him, and he hisses as I grind my body against his. Pulling his face into my chest, I give him what I know he likes—what I don't think Allie's given him yet. I know he can’t resist me. He just needs to be reminded of how good I can make him feel. How he never wants for anything with me.
His hands grab my hips, and I smile until he lifts me off him and sets me on the ground next to the chair. Jumping up, he tucks himself away and buttons everything back up.
"I can't do this, Laura."
Trying to hide my hurt behind a smirk, I say, "You might want to try telling that to the little Jax in your pants."
"Laura, it's over."
The finality in his voice makes me feel more exposed and naked than I am, and I quickly reach for my robe on the ground as tears spring to my eyes. "But I love you."
"I know."
"You gave me a ring and said we should get married. I planned a future with you, and you just toss me aside for her ?"
His jaw twitches, but he looks into my eyes. "You always knew my feelings for Allie."
"But I'm here, too!" I cry. "I have feelings. For you. And I remember. I remember everything about us since we were eleven years old, Jax. "
A pained expression clouds his features as he looks up to the ceiling. "I'm sorry."
"I know you love me. You don't share what we've shared and not fall in love. It's not possible."
"In a way, sure, I do love you," Jax says and looks at me. "As a friend. As someone who was there for me for so many years. Like I said, when you suggested I move on with you because we're friends, it was as comfortable as being with someone else could be. But at the end the day, you were never going to be Allie, Laura."
My jaw drops as I let out a shocked breath. "Me? You're... this was just me?"
"You'd brought it up a few times, and I thought if I was going to move on with anyone like everyone kept telling me to, it would be best to find someone I considered a friend. Someone who knew about Allie and didn't need me to explain it. But if I'm completely honest, which I think I have to be, it never really felt right."
"Really? When didn't it feel right, Jax? When I was on my knees sucking your cock? Or how about when I let you fuck my ass? It felt right enough to let me make you come, but it didn't feel right enough to actually go through with the wedding?"
He sighs and shoves his hands into his pocket. "You were good, Laura. You made it easy for me to pretend I was happy and moving on with my life, but I don't think I was the only one pretending."
"I love you!" I shout. "I want to marry you. I want to be the mother of your children. To give you everything you want. In a marriage. In the bedroom. In life."
"You knew I was still in love with Allie. Don’t try and tell me you weren’t pretending as much as I was. If we’re being completely honest, we were both settling, and you know it. Allie’s back, Laura. She's back, and I won't let her go. I want her."
"And you don't want me," I say, furiously swiping away my tears. "I just don't understand why you proposed, Jax. It’s clear we’re on different pages; I suspect we always have been."
Sniffling, he nods. "We both know it wasn't a proposal. Not a real one. You'd brought up getting married almost relentlessly, and I gave you a box. It was a transaction, not a declaration of love. I told you at the hospital that I'd secretly hoped you'd find it so offensive you’d call things off. That's where I'll admit that I wasn't man enough to end it when I knew it wasn't right. That it—we— couldn't go anywhere."
"How long were you going to let this go on?" I ask, tears blurring my vision. "If Allie hadn't come back, would you have married me? You mentioned Vegas and eloping. There has to be a part of you that wanted to marry me."
"I wanted to get it over with," he says, and his admission feels like a knife to the chest.
"Wow," I say. "Would you have even shown up on the wedding day, Jax? Would you have married me?"
He shrugs and shakes his head. "I don't know. I honestly figured if you weren't going to go to Vegas and elope with me that you knew it wasn't something we were going to actually do. But then you started planning everything, and I was kind of stuck. I honestly don't know if we would've made it down the aisle. I know it makes me a total asshole considering how good of a friend you've been, but I don't want to give you any more false hope, Laura. I do care about you even though I don't think you believe that right now."
He's right. I don't believe it. "I always knew you wouldn't love me like you love her, but I never dreamed you wouldn't love me at all. "
"I really am sorry."
"I gave you all of me. Everything I had, I gave to you," I say with a humorless laugh. "This whole thing, the lingerie, was planned. I honestly thought that if I could remind you how much your body responded to mine, how good I can make you feel, that you'd realize you do love me. That it wouldn't be so easy to walk away."
"Sex was never a problem for us. You got a little too adventurous for me at times, and we did things I wasn't overly excited about, but it was never boring. And it was good. It's everything outside the bedroom that didn't work."
"Because sex is just sex to you?" I ask, choosing not to read too much into his comment about my willingness to give him anything he could ever dream of.
Chuckling, he glances at the ground. "I'm a dude, and I'd gone five years without sex. And sex didn't have to be more than just physical for us. It was an outlet for me, but as soon as the orgasm ended, reality came back. And I always felt like I was cheating on Allie when we were done. That's why I didn't stay the night. It felt wrong and shameful."
"And what happens if Allie never remembers, Jax? What if she doesn't want to be with you?"
He snaps his head up and glares at me. "She will remember, Laura. I know she will."
"But how long will it take? And what if she decides she wants nothing to do with you before she does? Then what are you going to do?"
"I'm not going to marry you because she might decide she doesn't want to be with me. That she won't believe that she loves me. That would be stupid. She's the one. She's always been the one. "
"And you're the one for me," I say, the tears falling. It hurts to see he doesn't seem to care as much as I do. "Just because she came back doesn't mean I stop loving you."
He looks away as he runs his hand through his hair. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never set out to do that because you have been such a great friend. I really am sorry."
"If she decides that she wants nothing to do with you before she remembers, I can't promise I'll be sitting around waiting for you. I don't know that I'll be here when you want to come back."
"I won't want to come back. And I don't want you to wait for me. You'll be waiting forever, and that's not fair to you. It's also not fair to me because it makes me feel even worse. I wish you didn't love me. If I could find a way to take away those feelings, I would. I would gladly help you fall out of love with me, if I could."
"If she rejects you, you still wouldn't want me?"
"Why would you want me?"
Blinking, my brows knit together. "Are you serious? I've been in love with you forever."
"Laura, you deserve to be loved by someone the way I love Allie. The way I know she loves me even if she doesn't remember it. Why would you want someone who settles for you? A person who would come to you simply because their first choice rejected them? You should have more self-respect than that."
"That's rich coming from the man who will wait around for a woman who doesn't remember she even knows him, let alone loves him."
"It's different, and you know it," he snaps. "I have a chance at getting the love of my life back. She's been through hell, and she was hit so hard she has a six-inch scar on her scalp. That's the reason she doesn't remember. It's physical, not emotional. "
I laugh and shake my head. "That you know of."
"Is this what you wanted to talk about? Because I think we're done."
"Yeah, I guess we are," I say, my voice cracking. "I'll finish canceling everything."
"Do you want help with it?"
Shaking my head, I can't look at him. "The only thing you could help with you refuse to do. You can just go. I'll be fine."
"Laura, I am sorry."
"You've said that already," I say and sniffle. "I'm a big girl. I've been alone before, and I can do it again. I'll figure out how to navigate my life now. I'll be fine."
He doesn't say another word as he walks out of the house, and I collapse onto the bed, burying my head into a pillow as I sob. I can't believe he rejected me as I rode him. I've given him all of me, and he will never love me. She will always be in the way. I had my entire world at my fingertips, and I let it slip away. But I refuse to let it disappear again if I get another shot. I just need to do what I can to force Allie away from Jax. It's my only hope.