Please Remember

14. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen

Jax

" A re you okay?" Benji asks as I jump out of my pickup and hurry up to my front door. "Where's Allie?"

"With the cops," I say and unlock it, letting him inside. "I did something stupid. So stupid."

He stares with his wide, dark eyes. "What'd you do? And why is Allie with the cops?"

I try to force my brain to settle down. "She, uh, went with the detectives to try and find the house she was kept in."

"And you didn't go with as her personal bodyguard?"

"I couldn't," I say. "Being without her feels uncomfortable, and it makes me do stupid things. It's like I'm not even in my body anymore."

Benji forces me to sit on one of the kitchen chairs. The house wasn't built with a dining room, and the kitchen is very large to begin with. We have a square table pushed against the wall with only three chairs. When we hosted dinner parties, we had to split up and let people eat in the living room or stand while eating. It never stopped Allie from wanting people to come and spend time in our home, though .

"What happened?" he asks, pulling me from memories of countless dinners with our friends. Memories she doesn't remember.

"Laura wanted to talk to me."

He groans. "Nothing good ever starts with the name Laura."

"Do you really hate her that much?" I ask.

I know my friends weren't thrilled about my relationship with Laura, but I didn't think they hated her. If they did, I assumed they would have said something.

"Hate is a strong word. But she's weird, man. Always just there. Sometimes it's like she's a ninja because you're there, talking to your buds, and BAM! She appears. Most of the time she doesn’t even say anything, she just stares."

"Why didn't anyone say anything before?"

He levels me with a glare. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. Why didn't you tell me you didn't like her?"

"Well, first of all, that didn't work when you were just friends and we were in high school. Second, you were moving on. We never thought you'd marry her, so we figured we'd let it ride, let you get some kinky sex because she seems like a freak in bed, and then you'd move on. When you proposed, we were kind of stuck."

I let out a chuckle. "You want to know how I proposed?"

"I already know. Laura told all of us. Over and over again."

Wringing my hands on the table, I shake my head. "That's the version she tells. I just let her run with it because of my guilt."

"Guilt?"

"She helped me set up the party that was meant for Allie when I planned to propose the night she vanished. It was elaborate and thought-out with everyone we loved involved."

Benji narrows his eyes. "I remember. I was there. "

"Laura had brought up marriage a few times, probably more but I don't always listen around her, and I went out and bought the cheapest engagement ring at the store. I handed her the box one night and said something about how we should probably get married then. I thought she'd be offended considering what I'd done before, but she just acted like I'd proclaimed my love and undying devotion to her."

"If you didn't want to, why the hell did you?"

"Because everyone, including you, told me I needed to move on! It was never going to feel right being with someone who wasn't Allie, and Laura, at least, was comfortable—familiar. I never wanted anyone but Allie. Not since the day I really got to know her."

Sighing, he taps his fingers on the table. "We just wanted you to be happy, man. We thought if you could just get over the first step, you'd start to heal."

"It was never going to go away. The pain. And I didn't really want it to unless Allie came back," I admit. "But I know I became someone you probably didn’t recognize. I was a terrible friend because I just wanted to be alone." Shame floods me at my admission, and I begin to fidget on the chair.

"Knowing what we know now, I wish we'd let you. Now, what did you do that was so stupid?"

I swallow and avoid his eyes. "She texted and wanted to talk. I felt like I owed her that much because I do feel guilty for always half-assing the relationship. I never gave her anything that even you give a girl if you actually date her."

"Jeez, and she still wanted to marry you?"

"I guess so. I showed up, and she didn't answer. I go inside, thinking maybe she's in the bathroom or something, and I find her in the bedroom wearing... I don't even know what the hell it's called. It's not normal lingerie."

Benji’s eyes widen. "What'd it look like?"

"Like straps, honestly. There was nothing covered except for small patches of what I think was supposed to be lace, and it was crotchless."

"Sounds like a playsuit." When I give him a concerned look, he holds his hands up. "Hey, I appreciate the female body, and I've purchased more lingerie than the average guy for the girls I date."

"Anyway, she acted surprised to see me."

He rolls his eyes. "Totally planned and faked."

"Yeah, I know. She grabbed a robe and pretended to be bashful that I saw her, but she kept it loose. And there's a lot you can say about Laura, but you've seen her tits. They're..."

"Beautiful. She paid a pretty penny for those things, and they were worth every cent," Benji finishes for me.

Nodding, I let out a shaky breath. "She went on about whether she should really cancel all of the plans and how much money we're out. I told her that was for the best, and then she attacked me."

"Attacked you?"

"Dropped her robe and kissed me. I was momentarily not myself."

Benji huffs. "You fucked her!"

"Only a little."

He jumps up, half laughing and half shocked. "You did?"

I stand and hold my hands up. "I didn't mean to. It just... kind of happened. But it stopped. I didn't get either of us to the finish line."

"How?" he asks, shaking his head. "How did... okay, walk me through this."

"When she kissed me, I just kind of reacted. Plus, her tits were right fucking there. Which, of course, had its own effects because I'm a boob man. I don't even remember her pulling my pants down to my knees, but the next thing I know, I'm sitting on the chair in the bedroom, and she's sinking onto me."

Eyes wide, he just blinks. "You never made it to the bed?"

"No. Not sure I could've without falling since my pants and boxers were still there, just, you know, lower."

"Okay, go on."

"She started... you know."

"Riding you?"

Hearing him say it makes me feel like I've betrayed Allie even more than I have. "Yes."

"But you didn't finish? And neither did she?"

"After a minute or so, I realized what the hell I was doing, and I lifted her off and set her on the ground. Stood up, shoved everything back where it goes, and I told her I wasn't doing it. She doesn't want to admit it's over even though it was never right."

"You have more willpower than I will ever have, my friend," Benji says and mock-bows. "I'd have taken her to pound town and then broken her heart."

I shove him, and he catches himself on the counter. "Be serious, Benji. I cheated. I cheated on Allie. I've never cheated on anyone before, especially her."

"Okay, okay, before you go into hyperventilating mode, you did not cheat."

"How—"

"You were in a relationship and engaged to marry Laura until three days ago. Plus, you and Allie haven't really defined your relationship yet, right?"

I sigh. "No, but you know I've always belonged to her. She's the one. "

"Yes, but she doesn't know that. I mean, she knows because you've told her, but she doesn't know because she still doesn't know who you are. She's not your girlfriend right now. She will be, but she isn't yet. There was no cheating."

"It feels like it."

"Okay, you've spent a few days with her now. How would she feel if you told her what happened? Would she be upset?"

Tears sting at my eyes, but I refuse to let Benji see. "She wouldn't care."

"At all?"

"She would point out, like you did, that Laura and I were engaged less than a week ago. She probably wouldn't even care if I'd actually slept with her."

His hand on my shoulder makes me sniffle and fight the tears even more. "It's going to be okay. She'll come back to us."

"And then what? Do I tell her then?"

"You tell her never."

My eyes lock with his as I snap my head up so fast I nearly give myself whiplash. "What?"

"You didn't cheat. You basically just put the tip in with the woman you were supposed to marry until the woman you were going to propose to came back. Neither one of them is officially together with you, and no one got off. Again, more willpower than I will ever have."

"I don't tell her," I say, testing the words. "I didn't technically cheat."

"I know your heart feels like you did, but honestly, your heart felt like you cheated the past two years. Have you told Allie about all the times you've gotten freaky-deaky with Laura since you hooked up?"

Why the hell would I do that? "No, and I don’t plan to."

"Good. Now, put today's experience into that box with the others. "

"Okay, I can do that. I think."

"Now... tell me... is she as much of a freak as she seems? You know, doing all sorts of weird things in bed? Because I bet she likes some weird shit."

Laughing, I put my hand on his shoulder. "She's too adventurous for me. I did it, but it was a little weird."

"Like what?"

"Like—"

"Hey!" Sage calls out as she walks in through the door, making Benji groan. "What?"

"Nothing," I say, shaking my head. "What're you doing here?"

She crosses her arms under her chest and frowns at both of us. "I interrupted boy talk, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you wouldn't like it," Benji says. "I'll see you later, Jax."

He leaves as Sage shakes her head and says, "I doubt I would."

"Yeah, you really wouldn't," I say, guilt washing over me again.

Waiting for Benji's car to leave, Sage looks around. "I'm guessing you didn't have boy talk with Allie around. Are you still giving her time before bringing the boys around? And your family?"

I nod. "Yeah, she's still pretty overwhelmed with everything. Last night she was in a panic about the dark. I'm not complaining though because it meant she slept with me."

" Slept with you?" she asks, her protective best friend face firmly in place.

"Just sleep. Said she needed a reminder that she wasn't back there. The hospital wasn't as dark as it gets around here, and she didn't even have a window wherever she was. Told the detectives today that she finally got to see the sun. Which makes me sick."

Sage’s face slips, and she swallows. "Where is Allie? "

"The detectives came to get her a while ago. They've taken her to look at houses to see if she recognizes the one that she ran away from," I say.

Her eyes widen. "Do you think they'll find it?"

"No," Allie says, walking in behind her. "Who left as we pulled up?"

"Benji," I say. "He asked how things were going, and when I said you were with the detectives, he stopped by to check on me. And you, but we know you're not quite ready to meet everyone yet."

She sighs and leans against the wall. "It was a bust. Parsons flat out said he thought I was making the whole thing up, and that you and I are in this together, Jax. That we're pulling one elaborate scheme."

"He what?" I ask. When I look outside, the detectives are gone. "I'll take care of it."

"No, I already did. It helped that I made him feel like an idiot. Might've said he sucks at his job if you and I can get away with him never finding anything for seven years. That kind of hurt his ego enough. He even apologized and admitted he was wrong. Said he believes me now."

Sage smiles. "That's our girl."

"We weren't in the right area. It was developed, and I was in a cellar, I think. None of those houses fit the bill. God, I’m not sure I helped at all."

"I'm sure you did. They know where you weren't. That's something they didn't have before," Sage says.

I nod in agreement. "At least it narrows it down some."

"Yes, but I don't know how long I was running for. Or how far. The wooded area spans thirty miles or something, and depending how I weaved and zig-zagged, there are many different routes to get to where I ended up. I feel like a failure. "

Sage pulls her into her arms, and Allie hugs her willingly, making me feel a bit of jealousy. She wouldn't be quite as receptive to me doing the same thing.

"You have been free for not even a full three days, Allie, and you don't remember anything. If the detectives thought it would be that easy, they really do suck at their jobs. Now, we're going to go out for a bit," she says.

I step forward. "What?"

"I made an appointment to get Allie's hair done. When she gets her memory back, she’ll kill me if I let her keep her hair like this."

"But all the people," Allie says, her voice shaking.

Just as I'm about to agree, Sage holds a hand up. "They’ve cleared the books for your appointment. We'll be in and out before anyone else even knows we were there. I've already talked to the cop outside, so he'll help keep people away if anyone does see us."

Of course, she'd think ahead like that. Sage always says Allie was her girlfriend before she was mine. And that girl would kill to protect her.

"It is kind of gross, I suppose," Allie says, flicking an errant lock of hair off her shoulder. "What do you think, Jax?"

"I think you should go. Maybe looking more like you're used to will help. If anything, getting your hair washed by someone else is always relaxing," I say, remembering what Allie used to tell me without telling her it's a memory.

"Okay," she says and forces a smile. "Let's go make me pretty."

"You're already pretty," Sage and I say at the same time.

As much as I don't want her to leave without me, I know she needs exposure to more than just me and this house. And Sage seems to be handling the lack of memory a lot better than I am. Probably because she's never had Allie in the intimate ways I have. She doesn't know how amazing it is to lie naked in bed with her after a satisfying round of lovemaking.

Is that why I let Laura take control like she did? Why I almost had sex with her? Am I missing that connection? Or am I just an asshole?