23. Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jax
I t feels like my girl is back. She talks like Allie. She acts like Allie. And she screws me like Allie. Everything feels normal again with the exception of a few times where I want to ask, "remember when?" But they're coming fewer and farther between as we spend more time together.
We walk up to the front door, but Allie stops me, and I turn to look in her eyes. "Remind me again who will be here?"
"Just the usual," I say and kiss her temple.
She opens her mouth to say something, but the door opens and interrupts whatever she wanted to tell me. Mom grabs Allie in her arms, lifting her off the ground as she hugs her.
"Oh, it's so good to see you, sweetheart. But we need to get some more weight on your bones!"
Setting Allie down, Mom ushers us inside, and Dad hugs her, too. For some reason, Allie looks really uncomfortable, but before I can check on her, Seth calls out to me from the open back door .
"Big Brother. Master of the Grill. We request the honor of your presence because this thing seems to have a mind of its own. Or, more likely, it's become possessed by a demon of fiery proportions."
Laughing, I squeeze Allie's hand as she reaches out to grab mine, and I walk out back to find Seth standing with Benji and Drew with the grill on fire. Flames rise above my head, and I gape at him before leveling him with a glare. "What the hell did you do? How much lighter fluid did you use?"
"Is there a limit?"
"The food's going to taste like gasoline, isn't it?" Benji asks, slapping my little brother on the back of the head. "Why didn't you just wait for him to get here?"
Drew shakes his head. "Because Seth thinks that whatever Jax can do, he can do better. He'll never learn, I'm afraid."
"Hey!" Seth cries.
"You'll never believe the terrible date I was on last night," Benji says while I close the lid on the grill to try and snuff out the flames. "The girl started talking about getting married as we ordered drinks."
"To you?" Drew asks and hands me a beer.
Shaking his head, he opens his own. "No! To some other guy. I was just there to make him jealous."
"Which you obviously hated, right?" Seth asks. "You turned her away immediately?"
"Are you kidding? I got a blowjob in the bathroom when the guy walked in. I think she left with him. At least the night ended on a climax for me."
Drew laughs and holds his hand up. "That's good, but I can top it. A few weeks ago, I went out with this hot redhead. "
"Yeah?" I ask, drinking the beer he handed me and forgetting how normal this feels. Too normal. "What happened?"
"She got shitfaced drunk, which can be kind of fun. At first. Then she dry humped me on the dance floor before peeing all over me. While we were still on the dance floor."
We laugh and joke around for what feels like only minutes, but I realize I've gone through three beers already. I think about checking in on Mom and Allie, but if neither has come out, I think I should leave it alone. At least until Mom storms out and smacks me on the arm.
"Ow! Mom, what was that for?"
"How can you be so incredibly inconsiderate?"
"What'd I do?"
She gestures around our gathered circle. "Who's missing, Jax?"
"We forgot to invite Sage!" Benji says, smacking himself on the forehead.
No, that's not who she's talking about. My heart sinks to my stomach. I left Allie inside with my parents like I'd always done because Allie usually wanted to help Mom out, even though Mom wouldn't let her lift a finger.
"I'll go talk to her."
"She's leaving," Dad says as he walks out.
"What?"
He nods, and I see the disappointment on his face. "She's waiting for Sage to pick her up. Already talked to the cop to let him know where she's going. I don't know what you were thinking, Jax."
Running through the house, I find her sitting on the front porch, her arms wrapped around her knees. "Allie, I'm so sorry. I was used to you just hanging out in the kitchen with Mom until she told you she wasn't going to let you touch anything, and then you'd come out and join us. I wasn't thinking."
Her chin rests on her knees, and she doesn't look at me. "You want Old Allie, but she's not here, Jax. It's easy to pretend that's not the case when we're alone, but the first time we do something that isn't just us, it's a lot harder to look past."
"That's not true—"
"This is the first time I remember meeting your parents, and you just left me there without even an introduction. I didn't know their names, and then you stayed outside talking to people I don't know. Old Allie probably knows, but New Allie doesn't."
"Allie—"
"I don't know that I fit in your world outside of our little bubble, Jax. It's too easy for you to forget New Allie's here, not Old Allie."
"Baby, that's not true. I screwed up, okay? I wasn't thinking, and I was an inconsiderate jackass. It's just... everything has felt so natural recently that I forgot things aren't the exact same as they were before. That we aren't the us from seven years ago. I'm really sorry."
Letting out a sigh, she shakes her head. "You made me feel silly for being anxious to come here. Both when you told me about it and right outside the house tonight. It never crossed your mind to even do introductions, and I get it. It's silly. Old Allie's known these people for over a decade, closer to two, but this Allie, the new one, doesn't. I don't even know myself most of the time, and I'm uncovering a little bit here and there as I go, but it’s not the same. You want things to be the same, and I do, too. But they're not. They're just… not."
"Baby—"
"I had to ask your mom—whose name I didn’t know—if she had Sage's number, so she could call her because I left my phone at the house. It was embarrassing, but worse than that, I saw the hurt in her eyes when she remembered I have no idea who she is. All I do is hurt people, and there was no buffer to help ease that, Jax. That's supposed to be you. You or Sage, but Sage wasn't invited tonight."
"We realized we forgot to include her—"
"I can't help but feel like we're trying to force me into a life that isn't mine. I don't fit in."
Sage pulls into the driveway, and I hate the fact none of us thought to reach out to her. That Allie was the one who always included her in everything before, and we forgot. I'm such an idiot.
"Is everything okay?" Sage asks as she walks up to meet us.
Allie stands and sighs. "Can I stay with you for a while?"
"Of course."
"Allie, please, don't. Stay, and I'll introduce you to everyone. I should've made sure Sage knew to be here, too. God, Sage, I'm sorry. Both of you should stay," I say, praying she'll give this another chance.
Sage looks around. "I didn't get an invite to the party? Ouch, Jax."
I know she's joking, but I can't smile when I see the tears in Allie's eyes. "Allie—"
"I can't be the person you want. I don't remember, and you really, really want that version of me back so badly you forgot she was gone. You're stuck with me, and I'm sorry for that."
"No—"
"Old Allie is gone. She doesn't exist anymore. I'd give anything to give her to you, but I'm not her. And I'm starting to think we're at the point that pretending that I can fit into that Allie-shaped hole in your life doesn't work anymore. This might've been a mistake."
"Allie, no," I beg, my breath catching in my chest .
“You refuse to see it. There are still parts of me that are broken, and you just ignore them. You want everything to be perfect and back to normal, and I feel that way some of the time, but not all the time. Not as often as you think I do.”
Blinking, I try and process what she’s just said. It doesn’t make sense. “What do you mean?”
She holds up a hand, and I see the bandage on her palm from last night. She dropped a dish while cleaning up after dinner, something she told me to let her do because she knew I wanted to watch the game.
“Do you know why this happened?”
“Because the dish soap made the plate slippery, and you dropped it. It’s okay, Allie. I told you that last night.”
Shaking her head, Allie sighs. “It wasn’t because it was slippery. You clapped.”
I stare at her as I try to put the pieces together. “What?”
“Something happened in the game, and you clapped. You were excited, and I understand it now, but I broke the dish because you clapped.”
Clapped. Clapped. I don’t understand the correlation. “Did I startle you?”
“That’s how they communicated in the basement. I tried to finish washing the dish quicker when I heard the clap, and for a moment, I was back in that dark place. It was the signal to hurry up, and I panicked. I’m really good at pretending, Jax, but things aren’t as perfect as you want everyone to believe. Even yourself. I’m not Old Allie.”
Shit, how could I have forgotten? “I’m sorry. I… I won’t do it again. Just, please… Please stay.”
She swallows and looks into my eyes as tears fall. "I need some space, Jax. And I think you need some, too."
I want to scream and shout out “No!” but I can’t do anything. Have I really been ignoring the subtle hints that Allie’s not as okay as she wants me to believe? Am I really that ignorant? Delusional.
"I'll take care of her," Sage promises. "And I'll make sure the detectives know she's staying at my place for a while, okay?"
I just nod as I watch them leave, staring after Sage’s car while the cop car parked out front turns and follows them. I screwed up. I really screwed up. And with no other choice, I walk inside and grab another beer.
"What happened?" Seth asks.
"I'm a moron. I completely forgot that she doesn't remember and left her alone. I didn't even think to let Sage know to be here," I say.
Benji slaps his hand on my shoulder. "It's an easy oversight, man."
"I should've been more considerate. It’s just... things have been so normal. It was like she was back with me, and now she's not."
"What does that mean?" Drew asks.
"She thinks I'm trying to force her into being Old Allie. That's what she calls the version we remember—Old Allie," I say and take a long drink of the beer.
Shrugging, Benji's hand falls. "I hate to say it, man, but it does kind of sound that way from what you've told us since she's been home."
"Maybe we should plan something to reintroduce her to us. And us to her. Make it so she has friendly faces when we get together," Drew offers.
"You never know what could trigger a memory," Seth says with a nod.
Rubbing my face, I sit on the steps of the back deck. "What if she's right? What if I can't accept that she's not the same Allie as before?"
"Do you love her?" my brother asks .
"Of course I do!"
"Even if she doesn't remember you?"
I glare at him. "The fact that she doesn't remember me doesn't change anything. I've loved her since I was seventeen. Like Sage says, she may not know us, but we know her."
"Then you have to push past it. Make her your priority and ensure she's comfortable when it's not just the two of you. We all gotta make new memories."
"I do miss the old her sometimes, though," I admit. "The new memories are fun, but I miss having her whip out an inside joke we had. Or at least laugh when I do. The longer this goes on, where she can't recall anything prior to the basement, the more I worry she won't come back to me."
"If she doesn't, you'll just have to get to know each other as the people you are now," Benji says. "You're not the same person she'd likely remember if she could anyway. It's been seven years, dude. We're all different from who we were even two years ago. At least a little bit."
This thought never occurred to me. I just focused on the fact Allie was different, but I never thought about how different I am, too. How much her disappearance changed me. Made me jaded, a little. "Who the hell are you? When did you get so insightful?"
"Hey!" he cries in offense.
"You have to do the whole dating thing again," Drew says. "You seem to have just kind of jumped right into the committed relationship thing, but not only are you both different people, you're also in different places."
"And maybe you have to accept the fact that she may not be coming back. Old Allie, as much as we all loved her, might not be in there anymore," Benji says. "But that doesn't mean we don't love this Allie. No matter what, she's our girl. All of ours. We all felt the loss when she disappeared, and we've all been so happy that she's back."
I shake my head and refuse to believe that. "No, she's still in there. There are times she’ll say something, and it takes me back in time. Her sarcasm is also on point. I think that's why it's been so easy for me to just forget. It was like she was back even though I know she wasn't."
Seth nods. "Once we officially meet her again, maybe it'll be easier."
I open my mouth to say something, but movement in the shadows catches my attention. I stand, and I'm shocked when Laura steps into the light. In the fenced-in backyard she'd have to come through the house to get inside unless she scaled the privacy fence. "What are you doing here?"
"I didn't want to interrupt," Laura says, her hair a mess of frizz while she holds up a bowl. "I was accidentally told about the cookout, and I wanted to drop off what I made for your mom. I made it before I realized my invite was probably a mistake."
Setting it on the porch, she leaves before anyone can say a word. The whole thing comes across more as stalker-like than a kind gesture. It feels off. Very off. But still very familiar.
"God, she's back doing what she did before Allie went missing. When she'd just show up without any of us realizing she knew where we were going," Benji says.
"Have you even talked to her since Allie's been back?" Seth asks.
I exchange a look with Benji who nods in acknowledgement that my secret is safe. "Not since the day after Allie was released from the hospital. She seemed to think there was a chance she wouldn't need to cancel everything for the wedding even though I told her it was off."
"Who told her about this?" Drew asks. "I haven't talked to her since the engagement party. "
"Don't look at me. I avoid her at all costs," Benji says. “Always have.”
I look at Seth who shakes his head. "After I saw her talking to herself at the hospital, I've deleted her number from my phone and pretended that you proposing to her was nothing short of a terrible nightmare."
"You saw her talking to herself?" I ask.
"She might've been on the phone, but it was weird. She's never really seemed all there to me."
"Maybe stay away from her," Drew says. "We put aside our reservations about her for you, but I agree with Seth, she seems shady. I wouldn't put it past her to try and ruin your relationship. She probably thinks you'll go back to her if Allie and you don't get together."
I knew everyone wasn't a fan of Laura's, but I didn't think they genuinely disliked her. Maybe this has all been a blessing in disguise.
The way she acted the day she asked me to come and talk to her makes me wonder where her mind is really at. Plus, hearing the guys talk about how she might be a little crazy. I mean, how’d she know to show up here if none of us told her? We didn’t even remember to tell Sage. And I wouldn’t put it past her to try and ruin things with Allie and me. I think I do need to be wary of her. At least I know Sage won’t leave Allie alone with Laura. She can’t do that much damage, right?