Chapter 14
I thought finding the man who felt like home was an impossibility.
But it was depriving myself of said man that was proving to be impossible.
I could not get Russ out of my head. I tried everything to rid myself of the emptiness that gutted me whenever he crossed my mind.
It wasn’t just that we were no longer dating.
It was the fact that he was my employer and dating would be career suicide.
It was a devastating predicament, and I couldn’t remember a time I’d felt this bad. A man had never gotten me in my feelings to the point that I was down, let alone down bad. The only thing I could think to do was stay busy.
I spent the week distracting myself with outfit coordination, business planning, and online dating.
My doctor’s appointment was quick and easy on Tuesday.
Besides them reassuring me that my IUD was still in place, my test results came back on Friday, and as expected, I had a clean bill of health.
On Saturday night, I let The Smart One take me out, but I didn’t have a good time.
On Sunday night, I sat across the table from Denzel, a man I’d met on TenderFish.
We’d had very surface-level conversation online, so I didn’t know what to expect.
He was a tall, good-looking man with kind eyes and prematurely salt-and-pepper hair.
We exchanged pleasantries over appetizers and cocktails.
I was distracted, but not enough that Russ didn’t cross my mind.
I hated it.
After placing our orders, he leaned forward in his chair.
“What’s your favorite verse right now?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s gotta be when Megan Thee Stallion said…” I went on to rap my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs. I moved my shoulders to the beat in my head. “I’ve been obsessed with that verse since I first heard it. What’s yours?”
His eyebrows were raised. “Uh… Proverbs 3:5.”
The silence that followed was like a vacuum.
I thought I heard God laugh.
The rest of the date was more of the same as we both realized we didn’t have much in common. He was a teacher who enjoyed quiet nights at home. He was looking for a long-term relationship. So, while we enjoyed our dinner and conversation, we ended the night pretty early.
“How was your date?” Aaliyah asked as soon as I answered the phone.
I was already home, showered, and in bed. “Dinner was delicious. We made light small talk but we won’t be seeing each other again. He might be a good match for Jazz though,” I told her, quickly recapping the night.
“Hm. Have you linked up with The Funny One?”
“No. He hit me up, but I just…” I frowned. “I haven’t felt like it. I saw The Smart One though.”
“You don’t really sound too interested in anyone.”
“I’m not,” I murmured.
“What’s that thing you always say? You can’t compete where you don’t compare?” Before I could open my mouth to respond, she started again. “So, speaking of Russ…”
“Oop!” I chirped, making a face even though she couldn’t see me. “Not you bringing this conversation back again.”
She let out a light laugh. “I’m sorry. I just… It’s obvious you still want him, Nina.”
I didn’t immediately respond because I did still want him.
There was no denying that. I distracted myself with pointless dates and endless swiping, but it was going to take more than a week to get used to the fact that Russ was out of the picture.
The void he left was too big, too significant.
Everything felt like it was at risk, and I wasn’t busy enough to distract myself from the pain.
And this is exactly why I like to have multiple men and multiple jobs!
Aaliyah’s voice became softer, as if she were handling me with kid gloves. “I don’t think any amount of swiping or dating or denial is going to change that.”
The truth of her words made the pit in my stomach grow larger.
“For the next eight and a half months, I’m denying any affiliation with him,” I stated.
“Have you talked to him at all?”
I swallowed hard. “Nope.”
Outside of him texting me his negative test results, I hadn’t heard from him.
“That’s too bad,” she said sadly. “You liked him a lot.”
My heart sank, as it had done all week. “It was fun while it lasted,” I acknowledged.
“Are you going to see him this week?”
“I doubt it. We have a photoshoot every day this week and he’s always traveling.”
“A photoshoot every day? You’re going to be busy.”
I cracked a slight smile into my pillow. “Yeah, I’m excited. We get a couple days off next week and then September comes and it’s go time. We have a trip, then Fashion Week, and then a few other trips.”
I needed to be busier. I needed the distractions. I needed the work.
“What are you going to do if you see him?” she asked unexpectedly.
“I’ll keep it professional. Say hello. Do my job. It’ll be fine.” I rolled onto my side, checking the clock on the nightstand. “But honestly, I can’t imagine he’d be in town just for the photoshoots.”
She was quiet for a moment. “I hope he comes into town, and he has a new contract written up that makes it cool for you two to continue dating.”
The burning feeling coated my throat again. “That’s not going to happen.”
“It could,” she argued.
Sighing, I rolled my eyes. “You are such a romantic.”
“True. But I honestly thought you and Russ were going to get together. I thought he was endgame for you. You have never gotten excited about a man like you did with him. And I loved that for you! I want you to have more of that. You deserve it!”
I blinked back tears and then just decided to keep my eyes closed. She wasn’t wrong. I wouldn’t call him “endgame,” but he was special.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, Russ left large shoes to fill.”
And large everything else, too…
“But…” I continued, shaking off the thought, “the point of having a roster is that anyone can get replaced. And since quality far outweighs quantity, it will take time to replace him.”
“What about The Romantic One?”
I frowned. “What about him?”
She giggled. “It’s interesting how you never said anything about how hard it would be to replace him.”
“Girl, please.”
I hadn’t thought about that man since he left the event.
As her laughter died down, I changed the subject.
“Your birthday is coming up,” I pointed out. “What dates do you have lined up?”
She told me about the men she’d talked to on the app, the predicament she found herself in, and how she still hadn’t finalized a date for her birthday weekend. Twenty minutes later, we said good night.
Even though I knew I should’ve immediately gone to sleep, since I had an early call time, I couldn’t shut my mind off. I stared at the TV, but I wasn’t focused. I kept replaying the events of last weekend over and over again. As I started drifting off to sleep, two things became clear.
The dates I’d just gone on didn’t compare.
The men I’d just gone out with didn’t compare.
Would anyone?
I’d had to replace men on my roster before. Finding someone fun had never been that difficult. But finding someone like Russ would prove to be a challenge.
He was more than just fun.
He was perfect.
And I felt the loss.
Russell Long was everything I wanted, and in order to replace him on the roster, I’d have to find someone who was comparable.
And even then, it wouldn’t be enough. It hit me that I didn’t want someone comparable.
I didn’t want someone to try to fill his large shoes.
I just wanted him—just him. And that thought brought me to tears.
I was only in a relationship with him for three hours yet I’d cried more and harder than I ever cried over a man.
And that made me mad.
How did I let myself get put in this position?
My phone vibrated, startling me and waking me up.
Tyrell: How are you? I’m sorry to reach out to you so late, but I just found out there’s an author event for Fumi Davis in a couple weeks and tickets go on sale at midnight. If I get two tickets, would you like to come with me? It’s in New York so we’d be gone for the weekend.
There was no way I would be able to do a weekend getaway with him in the mental state I was in. Emotionally, I was not available. Physically, I was not available. And socially, I was not available.
Nina: That’s my best friend’s birthday weekend so I’m not going to be able to make it.
Tyrell: There’s another one in Philadelphia in a month. I want to do a weekend with you if you’re free in September. Things felt different the other day and I’d like to make it up to you. What do you think?
Nina: I think you should be planning weekend getaways with someone who is on the same page as you. Things did feel different last time we were together and that was on me. I’m not emotionally available and you deserve that. You’re a great guy and I’ve had a great time with you.
Tyrell: I don’t even know what to say to this.
I didn’t feel bad for ending things. But I did feel bad that I did it over text. I picked up the phone and called him, but he didn’t answer.
New roster, new men, new everything.
I needed a clean slate. I needed a fresh start.
Sighing, I placed my phone back on my nightstand and closed my eyes.
Unfortunately, my mind raced, and I tossed and turned until my alarm went off in the morning.
Despite my restless night, I made it to the studio in DC on time.
I had to be in hair and makeup by nine o’clock, and knowing DC traffic, I got on the road early.
It felt like it took forever to get there in rush hour traffic. But it gave me plenty of time to shake off the thoughts of Russ that plagued my sleep.
“Good morning,” I greeted the room as I entered the building.
I met a photographer, makeup artist, hair stylist, and a bunch of RLF employees. The only people who looked familiar to me were Remedy and Angelica.