Chapter 28
ALIA
Madness and purpose are two sides of the same coin.
Is it madness I flew to Vegas to prove a point? Can I blame it on temporary insanity that I low-key stalked the man who’s been making my uterus cry ever since we met, all the way to a swanky nightclub, hoping to entice him to come back to my hotel room with me?
Yes.
Am I utterly crazy to think I can pull off a sexcapade with my cousin’s teammate, while staying in the same hotel as him and his entire team, without being discovered? I’ll give you one guess.
Maybe the universe is looking out for me, because I’ve managed not only to avoid a run-in with the Ironhearts but, most importantly, with Rohan as well. The relief of finding Cal sitting alone at the bar was only slightly less than the rush of attraction that nearly maimed me when I first saw him.
We’ve not spoken since leaving the club, but my entire body feels attuned to his every breath. The slightest brush of his arm makes me tremble, his scent a drug that consumes me. At this rate, I’ll combust before we make it to our floor.
His palm rests low on my back, over the dress he visibly appreciated. The way his eyes linger on me and the fact that I’ve caught him checking me out multiple times gives me hope I made the right choice coming here today.
My anger after speaking with Namik drove me to this decision, but the closer we get to my room, the more my adrenaline dwindles. The elevator ping snaps me to the present. Cal possessively links his fingers with mine, as if he’s afraid I’ll escape.
I lead him down the hallway, hair pricking the back of my neck as I sense him tracking me the entire time. I concentrate a tad too hard on tapping the keycard against the blinking panel. The whirr and unlatching of the electronic lock feel distant through the furious buzz in my ear.
Lights flicker on as we enter the room. Within seconds, I find myself spun around with my back pressed against the cool wall, trapped between the arms of a very aroused man.
My entire body crackles with energy, my skin prickling from the heat of his proximity.
He watches me for two seconds, like he’s memorizing me, before lowering his head.
No words are exchanged when his mouth captures mine in a bruising kiss, a growl of satisfaction rumbling deep within his chest. The mere sound has moisture quickly gathering between my legs as I tilt my head back, opening my mouth when his tongue dips in with a familiarity I’m quickly learning to recognize.
His hands slide down my naked back, one thumb dipping into the low ‘U’ right above my ass.
And I can’t help it. I stiffen.
Callum notices, because he ends our kiss just as quickly. “Alia?”
I try to get my erratic heartbeat under control along with my nerves. I want this. I’m so attracted to him. I truly want to let myself feel desired and enjoy the touch of another human.
Cupping his neck with both hands, I rise up on my toes, hoping to kiss him again to distract myself. A moment later, his lips pluck at mine, his hands now massaging either side of my hips before one draws up my sides, approaching my breast.
Almost immediately, a sound of distress tears from my throat, my shoulders rising as my body goes rigid. Callum backs away, hands raised, like he’s been burned. His brows clash as he observes me, trying to make sense of what’s happening. “What’s wrong?”
“N-no. Nothing.” I stumble over my words, unsure how to explain it.
He’s touched me before but here, alone, within these four walls with a massive bed waiting a few feet away, the reality of what I’m about to do thrusts my mind into overdrive.
I’m struggling to fight and knock down the destructive array of thoughts rushing my brain.
“Give me a moment, please. I’m fine. I can do this,” I ramble.
“You’re shaking. Why?”
His fingers clasp my palm, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into it. I stare at him, my mouth dry, my breath stuck. Can I really reveal something I’ve never told anyone? Not even Irsia? What if he thinks differently of me afterward?
Cal notices my distress because he slips a finger under my chin and tilts my face up until our eyes meet. “It’s just me.”
Just? There is nothing just about him. He’s this perfect man who everyone adores. And he’s choosing to be here with me, without a single clue what a mess I am. His look of concern makes my guilt spike.
Why would he pick me? Why should he have to deal with my mess? I’m going back to India in a couple months anyway. Why am I wasting his time? To my horror, my eyes fill up.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I whisper.
“This?”
“S-sex.”
The silence is painfully long and the pressure within my head threatens to break me.
“I—” He releases a confused breath. “You were married.”
I tamp down my panic to answer him. “I lost my virginity to him the night of the wedding. But it was. . . perfunctory.”
Something dark and terrible crosses his face, his skin losing its previously healthy pallor. “Were you forced?”
“Nothing like that,” I rush to assure him. “I did it because it was expected. I wasn’t emotionally ready for it. I didn’t. . .”
I trail off, needing to take a breath, hating the thought of Namik’s hands on me.
I close my eyes and bring both palms up to rub the disgust off my face.
He hadn’t wanted to wait to know each other better before getting physical.
In my weak state of mind, I’d given in, hoping it would get better with time. It hadn’t.
Namik’s wants and needs always took priority and, as time passed, I learned to be quiet to keep the peace.
I’d tolerated our time in the bedroom to avoid the emotional blackmail or the arguments that would follow when I didn’t put out.
Desperate to make sense of how I felt, I convinced myself I don’t get aroused like others do.
I assumed I was the problem. Namik certainly made it seem that way.
Finding another man attractive became easier once I stopped living within the confines he’d set. It was like I’d gotten my sight back.
However, no one else has come close to how Cal makes me feel. If he thinks I’m broken after my confession, I’m not sure I’ll get over it.
When I open my eyes again, Callum’s head is lowered, his focus on his tightly clenched fists.
His breathing is audible to my ears as he mutters a low curse under his breath, agitatedly raking a hand through his hair.
My heart drops when he turns away for a second, but when his eyes catch mine, there is no disgust in them. Only worry.
Wordlessly, he opens his arms, waiting for me to make my choice. One step is all I take when he decisively draws me into him, engulfing me in his embrace. He holds me like he’ll protect me from everything. Even from my memories.
There, standing with my face pressed into his chest and the scent of his cologne anchoring me, the carefully constructed dam around my pain cracks.
The fear of the unknown, the ache of failure, and the shame of falling short of who I should’ve been flows through my blood and leaks out of my eyes.
For longer than I care to admit, I lean into Cal for support, his quiet murmur and the brush of his stubble along my hairline oddly comforting.
When I finally draw back, my face is wet. I wipe it off quickly, ashamed.
“S-sorry,” I sniff, at a loss for words.
“Don’t be. We don’t have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, Alia.”
“But I came here after you. It was meant to be this grand gesture to show you I’m ready.” Annoyance pulses through me for letting the revenant of Namik’s actions ruin what should be my moment to shine.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll wait as long as you need.”
“But. . .”
“No,” Cal says firmly. I can’t look away from him and even if I were to try; I don’t think he’d let me. Emerald eyes peer into me with an intensity that makes me feel naked. Like he can see my soul through every tormented layer which makes me who I am today.
“There are no conditions to this,” he assures me. “If you don’t want to have sex. . .”
“But I do!” I interrupt quickly, blood rushing to my face when I realize how desperate I sound. I’m at my wit’s end and I have nothing left to lose. “I do want to have sex. With you. I’m just not sure I’m any good at it.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he thinks this through. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”
“What if you don’t like it?” I worry.
“It’s not about me. Tell me what you want.”
“It always hurt,” I admit softly. “Logically, I know it doesn’t have to. But my body seized because that’s what I’ve come to expect. I need you to show me I’m wrong. Can we please go. . . slow?”
The look that flashes in his eyes—like he’s in pain—is gone before I can point it out.
“What else?” he asks.
“I. . . um. I’m clear,” I gulp, forcing myself to lay it out. “I wouldn’t be here with you if I wasn’t.” It was a small mercy that the STI Namik passed to me was curable.
“We get tested periodically through the season. I’m clear too, Tots. I promise I won’t put you at risk.”
The last time I was naked, Namik was drunk. He’d finished, turned away, and slept without a word. I only remember lying there, feeling used and unwanted afterward.
“Lights.” I point to the table lamp near us. “Could we turn it down please?”
Cal’s jaw twitches and I can tell he isn’t pleased. But I’m nervous and a dim room will afford me some semblance of security.
He taps the remote, and it only takes a couple seconds for my eyes to acclimate to the change.
I can still make out the side of his face closest to the window.
Outside, millions of city lights flicker and beg for attention.
But none of the glitz of Vegas holds any of the attraction the man in front of me does.
He brings me closer, helping me straddle him as he sits down at the edge of the bed.