Chapter 22
Dalton
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I fucked up. I fucked up so badly I don’t even know how to approach it.
Now we’re stuck in a silent car on the way home, and I don’t know where to go from here.
Because I’m a fucking fuckup who fucked up. Again.
I get angry too easily, say the wrong things, say the wrong things in public, I flirted with a stranger in front of Corvus to make him jealous, and then complained about the fallout. I’m so fucking petty I hate myself.
We leave the car without a word, Corvus pays for the ride, because of course he does, since I spent the last of my allowance on nice coffee for him.
As soon as we cross the threshold, I can’t take it anymore, and the shard of glass that’s been sitting in my gullet needs to be pulled out.
“I’m sorry, okay? You were right, I was wrong, the wedding is a bad idea. We shouldn’t get married either. This is a mess.”
Since the violent outburst I hadn’t expected from Corvus, he’s been the picture of calm.
I’ve only seen that collected side of him and misjudged him by assuming he would never lose his temper.
It’s all my fault—Stephen’s broken wrist, the embarrassment of it all.
I pushed him, and I’m sure he’s mad that his family witnessed his loss of control.
His exhale seems to weigh a tonne, but instead of telling me I should pack my bags, or leaving me behind, he drops his coat to the floor and sits on the lowest step of the staircase, watching me.
The lights are off, with the exception of the little lamp in the vestibule, which is motion-activated, and its warm glow deepens the dark shadows surrounding Corvus. “Why?” he asks after a dull pause.
I’m surprised he doesn’t know the obvious answer, but I guess he needs me to spell it out as my punishment.
I cross my arms. “Because you deserve someone you actually want to marry, not a fuckup you ended up with because of stupid circumstances. You’re handsome, rich, and now you’re out of the closet anyway.
” I shrug and look away because this is all so humiliating.
“There’s other guys out there with big dicks. ”
I hear him swallow, then he leans against the wall, as if it’s the only thing that can offer him a hug.
“It’s not that easy. I’ve been hiding in plain sight for years.
Even when Damen married Killian, it seemed…
selfish to come out too. All I could think of is whether my father would be proud of me.
He might not be here, but he’s always watching, assessing what I’m doing with the life he gave me.
” With a deep exhale, he looks up, meeting my gaze, and I can barely see his eyes in the faint light.
“Deep down, I know that if I don’t do this now, everyone will just act as if it never happened, and I’ll be back in the closet. ”
So I’m just a means to an end. “You wouldn’t be. You’d just… date and shit.” My hands ball into fists because the very idea of him with another guy is pissing me off.
Corvus laughs and leans forward, resting his face between his hands. “You think it’s so easy in my line of work? That just any guy who’s actually nice to be around would be fine with my basement?” he asks, glaring at me from between his fingers. “I thought we were on the same page about this!”
He does have a point. I too had to keep parts of my life secret from men I dated over the years, because as soon as they got a sniff of the violence they were out.
Because they were normal, nice people. The few that were a little too into it weren’t good matches for me either and saw me as a killing machine who also happened to fuck well.
Maybe that is what I am though?
I take a deep breath and cross the distance between us, then drop to the step he’s sitting on. His words spin in my head as I try to find a loophole that lets me get close again while keeping a shred of dignity. I probably just want him too much, but that’s a classic move for me.
He did suggest I’m nice to be around though, so that has to count for something?
Time to be brave.
“I don’t think we are on the same page. I like you. A lot. I’ve got feelings for you. I want to be more than just your roommate with benefits.”
Corvus stills, then faces me with a surprised gasp, as if he wasn’t gorgeous, intelligent, and charming.
Of course I’m falling for him. For the longest moment, silence is heavy between us, and I flinch when the light by the door dies, sinking us in darkness.
“That’s… I’m flattered,” he says in a breathy voice.
“But why? I would marry you anyway. You’d have security, prestige—”
“I don’t know why! I just do. I can’t help how I feel.”
“Kemper told me you go through guys like they’re protein bars, so why develop feelings for me?”
I groan at the mention of the fucker’s name. “Jesus fucking Christ! The fuck does he know about my love life? He’s exactly what I don’t want to be. A guy in a marriage of convenience.”
“And what do you know about his love life? Does he have a mistress, or something?” Corvus asks, massaging his scalp with fingers I wish to kiss. They’re so long and elegant. He smells of tobacco, and cloves, and I want to bury my face in his hair to sate my addiction to him.
“I know because he hit on me, and I doubt they’re just open, because he boasted that she was out of town so we could go to his villa. It’s fucked up. I avoid married guys like the plague.”
“I… well, you might not believe me, but I didn’t plan for our marriage to be like that,” Corvus says softly, and I sense the ghost of his body heat on the side of my thigh. “It was meant to be honest. That’s why I… I did not conduct myself well at the tailor’s shop.”
I shrug. “The tailor didn’t deserve it, but I did.
I’m a jealous fuck too. One of the many reasons I get dumped over and over again.
Guys like what they see at first, but quickly work out I’m not the full package in one way or another.
By then, I’m usually into them, like I can’t actually control myself.
I wish I didn’t give a shit. Sure, sometimes it’s just about sex, I’m only a man, and my drive is high, but I’m not all cool and collected like you.
I get into it fast and hard. Pun unintended. ”
He’s quiet, and every passing second feels like the invisible rope around my neck’s tightening. He’s got enough shit to deal with. Why would he waste his precious time on a fuckup like me? I’m about to rise when he places his hand on my knee.
“I don’t understand. Why would anyone not want you?”
To his credit, Corvus sounds puzzled. It’s kinda cute.
I chuckle even though there’s nothing funny about it.
It’s like being asked ‘why are you still single?’ and expected to list all your flaws.
“Not taking into account all the skeletons in my closet, let’s face it, I’m a mess.
I struggle sorting out my taxes. I forget shit, my money situation’s…
not great. As you know, by the way. I literally burned down your kitchen on day one.
I also, as you can see,” I wave my hand around in frustration, and get flustered when the motion-activated light turns on and suddenly we see each other again.
“I fall too fast and scare guys off. I’m a fun dick to ride, not boyfriend material. ”
Corvus’s face is so open now, like when I’m inside him, and he’s pushed far enough to no longer feel self-conscious.
He squeezes my knee. “It doesn’t matter to me that you’re not the best at paperwork, and that kind of stuff.
I am. I can deal with it for you, and the rest of it—” He swallows, briefly pulling his teeth over his bottom lip. “I really like the rest, Dalton.”
Be still my heart, because this is not the time to be falling in love.
And yet, butterflies flutter, and my toes curl. I slide closer, and self-worth be damned, I want to be whatever he needs. I press my forehead against his, trembling when he gasps.
“I understand the marriage is just a way to cover the whole blunder at the hunt, that it’s far too much for you, but do we have to be nothing? An arrangement? Can we not be… boyfriends? Privately?”
It’s needy. I’m needy. But this is me holding back when what I want is to crawl under his skin and live there.
“Dalton…” Corvus’s voice is like a breeze I want to feel on my face every single day.
“I... yes, of course we can. I mean… I did want us to be exclusive. I hated how you flirted with that guy, and… the wedding in two weeks will be a formal agreement, but yes, we can date for real,” he says, taking hold of my hand.
Is it wrong that deep down I'm already thinking of my wedding vows? That I'm imagining him growing to love me over the years? He's the one who said no divorce, so it only makes sense that we will be a real couple, whatever that might mean for us.
I squeeze his hand as relief floods my system. “I’m all yours.” Saying that feels like giving a sated man a half-eaten apple for dessert, but I hope he finds it sweet when appetite hits him again.
Corvus exhales, his hand gliding across my back as he leans closer, pressing his body to mine.
“I have something for you. Would you… accompany me to my workshop?” he asks, and I immediately know he’s referring to the place where he creates his poisons.
I was only allowed in once, so this is a privilege I’m not going to scoff at.
My heart is so much lighter now I’m able to smile at Corvus. “I thought you just said we’re boyfriends. Now you want to poison me?”
He switches on the light and rolls his eyes at me, offering his hand. “Father always told me to get rid of the evidence,” he says so seriously for a moment I’m unsure whether he’s joking or not.