Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13
A s I performed a descent that could generously be described as ambulation—if ambulation involved the finesse of a penguin attempting the cha-cha on a greased dance floor—I navigated the treacherous terrain of our stairs. Each step was a masterclass in defying gravity. My pregnant form swayed with all the stability of a Jenga tower in an earthquake.
I finally waddled into the kitchen, where our mystical motley crew was assembled in full force. Mom and Mythia were bustling about with dishes that smelled divine. Selene was helping Layla clean up some of Hattie's latest poltergeist pranks while Nana directed them. And Tseki was sitting next to Murtagh, flipping through an upscale baby magazine. Tseki insisted on everything designer.
Nina was quivering with anticipation like a tuning fork struck by Thor's hammer and couldn't contain herself any longer when she saw me. "Mom! Nana! Tell us about what happened at the Arcanum Subterraneum! How did you find it?"
All eyes turned to me, and I could practically feel the weight of their curiosity. I settled onto a stool next to Nana, grateful for the reprieve from gravity's cruel jokes. "Well," I began and had to fight back a wave of nausea at the memory, "it started with a rusty gate that led to an abandoned subway station. The smell alone was enough to make me consider a career change to professional hermit."
Nana cackled, "Oh, don't be so dramatic. It was just a little mildew, urine, feces... and possibly some centuries-old Dark magic."
"Easy for you to say," I grumbled. "You aren't the one housing three future hellraisers with a penchant for magical gymnastics."
"What was the place like? I can’t imagine a Dark library is all that welcoming." Murtagh asked as he leaned forward eagerly.
I smirked, "Turns out it wasn’t entirely Dark."
"The real challenge," Nana interjected, "came when we reached the bottom of those godforsaken stairs. The subway platform was straight out of a post-apocalyptic fever dream. Complete with swirling, untamed magic that would make a kaleidoscope seem boring."
"It was like being stuck in a blender filled with rainbows and nausea," I added, remembering the dizzying effect. "And that was before we met the welcoming committee."
"Welcoming committee?" Layla echoed with a frown.
Nana's grin widened, "Oh yes, it was a charming fellow made entirely of books and scrolls. He was twice as tall as Aidon and had eyes of blue fire. Quite the conversationalist, if you're into cryptic threats and riddles."
"It was the guardian of the Arcanum," I explained. "Apparently, Lyra's little Dark magic playground has developed a conscience since she created it. Talk about your unexpected plot twists."
"That’s why it wasn’t all evil. What did you do when you encountered it? Did you kill it?" Nina asked as she bounced in her seat.
I gestured to Nana with a flourish, "That's where this spry old lady worked her magic. And by magic, I mean she sassed the poor construct so hard, I thought its paper would catch fire."
Nana took a mock bow while remaining in her seat. "What can I say? When you've got underwear older than most of the 'ancient' magic in that dusty hole, you learn a thing or two about putting uppity guardians in their place."
"She basically challenged it to a riddle-off," I continued, still impressed by Nana's audacity. "Said if we could answer its toughest riddle, it had to let us in."
"Well, don't leave us in suspense!" Mythia exclaimed as she fluttered above the stove. "What was the riddle?"
Nana cleared her throat dramatically, then spoke in a comically deep voice, "'I have a mouth but do not speak, a bed but do not sleep. I can run but never walk, and have a head but never talk. What am I?'"
The kitchen fell silent as everyone pondered the riddle. After a moment, Tseki's eyes lit up, "A river!"
"Ding, ding, ding!" I cheered. "Give the dragon a cigar! Or, you know, a nice shiny gold coin or whatever it is dragons prefer these days."
Selene looked impressed as she asked, "And the guardian let you in after that?"
"Grudgingly," Nana confirmed. "It dissolved into a hidden doorway, looking about as happy as a wet cat. But we were in, ready to dive into the treasure trove of magical knowledge."
"And by 'dive in’, she means 'wobble cautiously while trying not to hurl all over ancient tomes’," I added dryly. "Let me tell you, pregnancy and intense magical auras do not mix well. It's like the world's worst carnival ride."
As our family peppered us with more questions about the Arcanum and its contents, I couldn't help but smile despite the lingering queasiness. Sure, my life had become a constant game of "Duck, Duck, Apocalypse," but with this crazy, magical family by my side, I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if it meant occasionally facing off against snarky paper monsters in moldy subway stations.
Just as Mythia and Mom finished setting out the food, the back door flew open with a bang that made me wonder if we'd accidentally summoned a minor windstorm. For a brief moment, I thought the universe had granted my wish for some excitement to liven up our dinner. As usual, the universe had outdone itself. Its sense of humor was as subtle as a chainsaw in an art gallery.
In strode a woman who could only be described as divinely dramatic. Aidon's sister, Melino?, the goddess of nightmares, burst into the kitchen like a sugar-rushed tornado in a glitter factory. Aidon and Stella were right behind her. All three of them looked like they'd just survived the Underworld's most intense escape room.
Melino?'s eyes locked onto me, and she made a beeline for my swollen belly. "Well, well, if it isn't my favorite walking incubator." Her voice was affectionate and mischievous. She placed a hand on my stomach, and I swear the babies did a synchronized somersault. "Hello, little chaos agents. Your Aunt Melino? can't wait to teach you all about causing divine mischief."
"How sweet," I muttered. "That's exactly what I was hoping for. Three godlings with a penchant for paranormal pranks."
Aidon snorted and pressed a kiss to my mouth. "We will be able to handle anything she teaches them. Miss us?"
"Like a toothache," I shot back, but I couldn't keep the smile from my face. "Did you bring back any souvenirs? A nice 'My family went to the Underworld, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt' perhaps?"
Stella laughed. "Oh, we've got something better than t-shirts. We've got information that'll curl your hair and plans that'll make you wish for something as simple as an apocalypse."
“Somehow, I knew you were going to say that. Let’s get food, and then you guys can fill us in,” I instructed as I grabbed a plate and began filling it. The others followed suit
Warmth filled my chest, and it had nothing to do with heartburn for once. This was my family. There were divine, mortal, and everything in between. We might be dysfunctional, we might attract more trouble than a magnet in a scrapyard, but by gods, we were in this mess together. And judging by the gleam in Melino?'s eye, our dinner conversation was about to get a whole lot more interesting. I made a mental note to hide the good china. Just in case.
Nina, bless her eternally curious heart, was the first to break the ice. "Aunt Melino?," she began, "what's it like being the goddess of nightmares? Do you have, like, a Netflix queue of everyone's worst fears?"
Melino?'s eyes twinkled with mischief. "Oh, it's a scream, darling. Literally. And let's just say, if I had a nickel for every nightmare about showing up to school naked, I'd be able to buy out Olympus. Though lately, I've been getting a lot of dreams about people forgetting to mute themselves on Zoom calls. The modern world is a fascinating place."
"Melino?," Aidon warned, though there was no real heat in his voice. "Let's not give the kids any ideas. The last thing we need is a surge in astral nudism or magical Zoom bombs."
"Speaking of ideas," Nana interjected, "what did you guys learn from your excursion?"
Melino?, Aidon, and Stella exchanged glances that spoke volumes. I braced myself for bad news, idly wondering if it was too late to fake a pregnancy-related fainting spell. Maybe I could convince everyone that the babies were practicing their synchronized swimming routine and it was making me dizzy.
"As you know, we investigated Lyra's activities in the Underworld," Stella began. "And let's just say, it was... illuminating. In the way that staring directly into the sun is illuminating."
"And?" I prompted, fork poised halfway to my mouth. "Don't leave us in suspense. Has she started a demonic book club? Opened an infernal coffee shop? Learned to play the lute? Because I've got to tell you, if the fate of reality hinges on a battle of the bands, we might be in trouble. My singing could literally wake the dead. And not in a good way."
Aidon chuckled, but his eyes were serious. "Nothing so benign, I'm afraid. Remember that elusive group I'd heard whispers about but never encountered? The ones that even the shades were too scared to talk about?"
I nodded, feeling a knot of dread form in my stomach. Or maybe that was just indigestion. It was getting hard to tell these days.
"Well," Aidon continued, "we found them. These two might have told you they call themselves the Covenant of Eternal Night. Which, if you ask me, sounds like a goth band that never made it out of their garage phase. Anyway, they have deep roots in the Underworld, and they're after something big."
"Let me guess," I said, "they want to rewrite the fundamental laws of existence? Perhaps with some tasteful void accents and demonic horror throw pillows?"
Melino? snorted into her drink. "Close, actually. They're trying to unmake reality itself. It's like they looked at existence and said, 'Nah, let's start over from scratch. But this time, with more tentacles and existential dread!'"
A stunned silence fell over the table. It was broken only by the sound of Mom's latest experimental potion gurgling ominously in its cauldron. "Well, shit," I eloquently summed up our situation. "And here I thought the worst thing I had to worry about was stretch marks and cankles. Apparently, I should've been more concerned about stretch marks in the fabric of reality."
"So, what exactly does 'unmaking reality' entail?" Mythia asked. Her tiny wings fluttered faster than a hummingbird’s as she listened to the conversation. "Are we talking about a complete reset? Or more of a cosmic remodel? Because if it's the latter, I have some suggestions for improving the laws of thermodynamics."
Stella leaned forward. Her eyes were shining with that look she gets when she's about to drop some serious magical theory. "From what we've gathered, it's more like... unraveling. They want to undo the very fabric of existence, returning everything to a primordial state of pure potential. In theory, they could then reshape reality according to their own desires."
"Because that's not terrifying at all," Selene muttered, absently sharpening a knife that definitely hadn't been on the dinner table a moment ago. "And here I thought my ex wanting to 'find himself' was bad news. At least he only wanted to destroy my faith in men, not reality itself."
Nana leaned forward. She had a look in her eyes that she got when she was about to ask a question that would either lead to brilliant insights or embarrassing family stories. "Speaking of bad news, what about that wife of Lyra's. Zaleria, wasn't it? Is she still enjoying Hades's... special hospitality? Last he shared, he was trying out some new material on her. Something about a mace and an elixir?"
Melino? snorted as she set her fork down. "Oh yes. Dad's keeping her under lock and key. Turns out, trying to poison a god and steal the power to elevate your status is frowned upon, even in the Underworld. Who would've thought? And let me tell you, Dad's torture techniques have reached new lows. He's moved on from physical torment to verbal anguish. His latest routine involves weaponized wordplay. Think 'death by a thousand puns’. He's got a whole bit about 'piercing' observations and 'cutting' remarks. The other day, he asked a group of shades why the skeleton couldn't go to the dance. The punchline? He had no body to go with. I swear, even the Furies are begging for mercy."
I choked out a laugh and nearly inhaled a bite of shrimp. Sobering, I asked, "Lyra hasn't managed to break her out?" I worried about Zaleria more than Lyra most days because she was the one who had managed to poison and nearly kill Aidon. Something no mortal should have been able to do.
"Not for lack of trying," Aidon said. "But Dad’s security is top-notch. Plus, I think he's enjoying having a captive audience for his stand-up comedy routine. Last I heard, he was working on a bit about why Persephone only spends half the year with him. Something about her being his 'better half-year'."
I shuddered at the thought. "Now that's true punishment. I didn't think your dad was into cruel and unusual torture."
"Oh, you have no idea," Melino? said, her voice a mix of admiration and horror. "The groans of the damned have taken on a whole new meaning. I'm pretty sure some of the shades are begging to be reincarnated as dung beetles just to escape the dad jokes."
"Remind me never to get on Hades' bad side," Murtagh mumbled as he draped an arm over the back of Tseki’s chair.
"What's our next move?" Nina asked, changing the subject. "How do we stop Lyra and this group? Is there a hideout we can hit?"
I placed a hand on my swollen belly, feeling a surge of protective magic from the babies. Either that, or they were practicing their synchronized swimming routine again. "That's a good question, honey. Any ideas, team? Preferably something that doesn't involve sacrificing our firstborn or making deals with entities whose names cause spontaneous nosebleeds when pronounced?"
Stella's eyes lit up like a kid on Yule morning who'd just discovered that Santa was real and left a library in their stocking. "We discovered that too. We need to go to the Clockwork Catacombs," she breathed. "There are rumors of an ancient archive beneath Prague that holds secrets of artifacts like the Heart of the Abyss. It's said also to contain the blueprints of reality itself."
I blinked, momentarily distracted from the impending doom by the prospect of travel. "Prague? As in, the city with amazing architecture, rich history, and even better food? Now we're talking. Nothing says 'saving reality' like a side of trdelník and a good Pilsner."
"It's not a vacation, Phoebe," Aidon said with a chuckle. Apparently, even gods weren't immune to the allure of good Czech cuisine.
"Maybe not," I countered, "but who says we can't multitask? Save reality and sample some local delicacies. I'm eating for four here, you know. These little godlings have expensive tastes. Besides, I'm pretty sure 'Pregnant Woman Saves Universe While Eating Pastry' would make a killer headline."
"What exactly are we looking for in these Catacombs?" Layla asked, leaning forward with interest. "Besides trouble and potential tetanus, I mean. Because if it's the latter, I'm pretty sure we can find that closer to home. Have you seen the state of the library lately?" That made me wince. Hattie had destroyed it in one of her last fits. Speaking of the poltergeist, I hadn’t seen her since the conversation in the attic. Had we managed to block her from the house?
Melino? jumped in with enough excitement to level a small country. "We need to find the Archives of Eternity. It's said to contain records of nearly every major magical artifact ever created, including their origins, powers, and weaknesses. Think of it as the universe's own user manual, complete with a troubleshooting section for when reality goes wonky."
"If we can find the information about the Heart of the Abyss," Stella added, "we might be able to figure out how to use it against the Covenant. Or at least prevent them from using it to unmake reality. It'd be like finding the cosmic equivalent of the 'off' switch."
"That seems too easy," I muttered, wondering if it was too late to take up a nice, safe hobby like underwater basket weaving or juggling nitroglycerin. "We're looking for an ancient book in a magical library hidden beneath one of the oldest cities in Europe. All while racing against a group of reality-destroying fanatics. And here I thought this pregnancy was going to be boring."
" Don't forget ," Tarja added for the first time since dinner started, " you'll be doing all this while heavily pregnant with triplet demigods. I'm sure that won't complicate things at all. Maybe you can use your belly as a battering ram if you encounter any stubborn ancient doors. "
I shot the cat a glare that would have melted ice cream. "Thanks for the reminder, Tarja. I almost forgot about the three magical bowling balls I'm carrying around. Any other helpful observations? Perhaps you'd like to point out that my ankles have officially gone missing in action? Or that my bladder has the capacity of a thimble these days?"
Tarja's tail twitched in amusement. " Well, now that you mention it, your connection to the Heart, combined with your pregnancy... it's unprecedented. Your children might be more deeply connected to this cosmic drama than we realized. They could be the ultimate universal remote control, capable of changing the channel of reality itself. "
A chill ran down my spine that had nothing to do with the sorbet I'd been craving. "What are you saying, Tarja? That my kids might come out of the womb ready to rearrange constellations and rewrite the laws of physics? Because I've got to tell you, I was really hoping their most impressive feat in the first few months would be sleeping through the night."
The tabby fixed me with a solemn stare that somehow managed to convey both 'this is serious cosmic business' and 'I expect extra treats for this nugget of wisdom’. " I'm saying that your children are likely to have powers beyond anything we've seen before. The kind that could tip the scales in fights like this. Or possibly rewrite the entire concept of scales. Cosmic power is funny that way. "
"Oh, is that all?" I said, my voice dripping with enough sarcasm to fill the Grand Canyon twice over. "Here, I was worried it might be something serious. Clearly, I should be more concerned about whether the nursery is properly baby-proofed against accidental reality warping. Do they make outlet covers for that?" That made everyone chuckle.
"How exactly are we getting to Prague?" Murtagh asked, mercifully changing the subject before I could spiral into a pregnancy-induced panic attack. "And who’s going?"
I grinned, feeling a surge of excitement despite the gravity of our mission. "We can fit eight comfortably in my plane, but I don’t think we take that many. There’s a good chance Lyra will make a move. For all we know Hattie had been systematically weakening the wards since her resurrection."
Aidon raised an eyebrow. "Tseki and Murtagh should stay here if that’s the case.”
I grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Layla, Selene. I’d like the two of you to join us.” Both women nodded.
Melino? grinned. A hint of her usual mischief returned. It was a grin that would have sent lesser beings running for the hills, possibly screaming. "Oh, it'll be fun. Think of it as a magical road trip. With the potential for interdimensional calamity at every turn. We could make t-shirts: 'I saved reality, and all I got was this lousy cosmic key.'"