Chapter 19
Nineteen
JAMIE
What the fuck just happened?
"Jamie—"
Violet's tone sounds pained as I walk away from her, so I stop and grab her hand. Pulling her along with me, she stays silent as I rummage through my freezer.
With an ice pack tucked under my arm and Violet's hand in mine, I dampen a rag with warm water. The silence is thick with so many things we need to talk about, but first making sure she is okay is more important.
Settling her back on the couch, I avoid eye contact, wrap her in a blanket, and ensure the cold compress is in the right spot for her to ice her hip comfortably.
Then, I sit beside her and begin wiping her face with the warm towel. Blotchy and damp, her cheeks tell the story of her pain. So much happened tonight, I don't even know where to start.
Especially not when I could literally throw the fuck up. I let Ellis give me a blowjob. He's from Violet's past, and now they're my present...or past. Ellis' treatment of Violet tonight was sickening.
How could anyone treat this sweet woman with such disdain?
"We had plans," Violet whispers so brokenly I have no choice but to listen. "I—We loved each other."
Finally, I look into her eyes and see they're aimed over my shoulder and unfocused. Like she's remembering them.
"I never met them in person. We made plans to meet before Thanksgiving, but Mom was kidnapped on Halloween. Everything changed."
Barely breathing, I continue to run the towel over her pale skin. Slowly I move to her hands and soak in every word she graces me with.
"The police confiscated my phone. Grandpa gave me his old flip phone with a new number. No social media. No contact with friends. I unintentionally ghosted them."
I've known Violet avoids and refuses to interact with any kind of social media. What happened to her mom being tied to Violet's social accounts, I can understand why she cut it from her life.
Her fingers twitch when I drag the cloth between them. Ticklish maybe? My smile is soft as I do it again and watch her wiggle. I'm learning so many things about my woman.
"Mom was rescued." Violet takes a shuddering breath. "And I was in the clear to go about my life like normal again once everything came to a close. But..."
She couldn't.
"I couldn't." Tears trickle down her cheeks once again, so I shift and wipe them away. Breaking my heart, Violet continues. "The flip phone became my best friend. It kept me within the boundaries I needed to feel safe and like I wouldn't make the same mistakes again."
Fuck, it hurts just listening to her vague explanation of what she felt and still feels.
Thinking about how deep her well of pain actually goes makes me a little murderous and a lot clingy.
The desire to drag her onto my lap is strong, but I hold back for now.
Once she's done talking, I'll snuggle the shit out of her.
Right now I'm afraid that if I so much as twitch, she'll stop talking.
She sniffs, and her eyes dull even more. "I never spoke to them again. We were building something real, and I ran from them."
"Because you were scared and traumatized," I interrupt, unable to stand the self-loathing I hear in her voice.
Violet blinks but doesn't look at me. "I loved them. Why didn't I lean on them when I needed them the most?"
"The same reason it's taken you five and a half years to open up to me, Sweets. Am I right?"
At that, she finally looks me in the eye and absolutely breaks. "I'm so sorry!" she sobs and drops her face into her hands as her body shakes with anguish.
"Shit," I hiss and pull her to me. "V, shh. I don't fault you for anything. Please, just breathe."
I'm going to lose my mind if she drops into another panic attack. Who knows how her body can deal with all the stress that's clearly wreaking havoc on her body.
"I'm sorry," she croaks into my chest. It's barely audible between sniffles and sobs.
With her cradled in my arms again, I run my hands along her legs and arms in an attempt to ground her. I continue to coo sweet things, true things, as she cries. It takes a while, but she eventually settles.
"My love," I whisper, feeling choked up. "Everything is going to be okay."
She sniffles and looks up at me. "You-You aren't mad? I-I'm messed up. I pu-push the people I care about away. Who-Who does that?"
Kissing her forehead, I bask in the fact that she admitted she cares about me. My heart swells even though each thump hurts a little with the beatings it's received this evening.
After years of falling in love with this woman, I'd like to think I've learned enough about her that I can answer her tearful question.
"Someone who loves with their entire being would sacrifice their own happiness to keep the ones they care about safe.
You've been in self-preservation mode for so long, Violet.
That extended to your circle of loved ones because you care so fucking much. "
"I just don't want to get anyone else hurt, but it seems like all I've done is hurt everyone with those choices too! B-But everyone’s better off without me."
"Well," I huff and squeeze her tighter, "that is the biggest lie I've ever fucking heard."
She sucks in a breath and seems to look past my eyes and into my soul. She needs to see that I'm telling the truth.
"You've been living under the assumption everyone is better off without you, but I'm fucking miserable every time you're on a trip. Hell, you leave my apartment and I ache, Violet."
Her mouth pops open in surprise. She'll have to get used to it though because I'm done holding back. Violet's trying to change, so it's time I start encouraging her growth.
Violet frowns and tries to push away, but I don't allow any movement. "You're staying right here, Sweets. Get used to it."
Her brows furrow even further, then she bites her plump lip. "But what about Ellis and Nate? They said—"
My throat rumbles in response to the reminder of what they fucking said. "What about them, V? They treated you like shit, so they are nothing."
"Ellis said they're pursuing you."
I shake my head. "Fuck that. Fuck them."
"Did you? Fuck them, I mean," she asks softly. Is she afraid of my answer? Will she leave?
A ball of stress forms in my throat as I come face to face with the reason for most of my fucking guilt. "No, we didn't fuck. Ellis and Nate approached me at the bar the night we fought. They offered to fool around and hang out."
Eyes wide, Violet hangs on to every word I'm forcing out of my mouth. She prompts me to continue with a strange tone. "And then?"
Blowing out a breath, I lay it all out there. "Ellis gave me a blowjob under the table while Nate watched." Violet gasps, and my gut coils tight with dread, but I have to keep going. "I went to dinner with them tonight."
"Like a date?" She again tries to sit up, looking pale and horrified, but I hold her tight. If she asks me to let her go, I will, but not yet. Not until I'm done explaining.
"I-I'm not sure. Nothing else happened because I got the call that Bash was outside my door with my unconscious woman."
At that, she looks away from me. I give her a second, then pull her face back to mine because what I'm about to say is really fucking important for her to hear.
"Listen, Violet. I didn't know about your connection to them, I swear. It's fucked that the one time I mess around with someone else in years that it was your past loves."
Her bottom lip wobbles, and I swear I break out in a cold sweat. Have I broken her heart? Ruined everything? She was coming to me tonight to talk and figure things out...Have I destroyed our chances?
What she says surprises me, though. "Do you like them?"
"I—" What? "No."
"You hesitated."
I feel my face twist into a scowl. "Had you asked me this before Ellis treated you like a fucking prick, my answer may have been different."
"So you're conflicted because of me. Without my connection to them and their negative feelings about me, you like them? Saw something with them?" I open my mouth immediately, but she begs me not to lie.
Fuck. Now I want to push her away so I can pace and work off these feelings building inside of me. "Yes," I grit out, studying her facial expressions like a hawk.
"And me?" Violet whispers, sounding sad and hesitant, but she needn't feel that way.
"You? Violet, you're everything. There is nothing with them without you. Package deal, remember?"
Everything I'm saying is the complete and honest fucking truth. I don't know if Violet can believe me, but she knows I care about her. I've never hidden my feelings and always pushed her for more. She knows. And if she second-guesses me, I'll prove my love again and again until the day I die.
"Jamie..." Violet chews on her lip.
Unable to help myself, I press a quick kiss to her plump lips. "Yes?"
"I want to see them again. I need to make things right. Maybe be friends. There's this guilt inside of me that will fester and eat me alive because I hurt them with my silence. No more silence."
"Anything you want," I agree, already planning to be there every time so I can protect her from their anger. "I'll be there."
"And...and it's okay if you want to continue seeing them, Jamie."
"No fucking way. Not without you, and quite frankly, they have some attitude adjustments that would need to happen if I hang out with them again.
" I'm reeling. She should be demanding I never see them again, right?
There's so much confusion and strange connections that it's making it hard for me to understand where she's coming from.
"Jamie," she coos, placing a warm hand on my cheek. "I've taken enough from them. I won't take you away too. I'll still be here. What I’m saying is that I'll be okay if you end up doing stuff with them. Honestly, it's the least I can do."
"What the fuck? No. That's messed up, V."
Shaking her head, Violet snuggles into me as drowsiness begins to weigh her down. "I'm just saying you have my blessing. They were amazing to me, and I hurt them, Jamie. I'll try to fix things with them so this isn't weird. Just don't write them off, okay?"
Fuck. What the hell? I'm saved from having to respond when her left boob starts vibrating between us.
Violet wiggles and snorts a little. "Forgot that was in there." Then her hand is beneath her shirt and pulling her phone out. "Shoot. I have to drive Cassidy home."
Absolutely fucking not. "No. I'll drive you both home."
"But my car."
"Fine. I'll drive you and Cassidy home in your car, then crash on your couch so you can drive me back here in the morning.
Or, I'll drive you and Cass home in my car and pick you up in the morning to get your car.
Or, you go curl up in my bed, I'll pick Cassidy up and bring her home, then I'll snuggle you all night long. "
I know which option I'd like her to choose, and by the way her eyelids are drooping, I think I'll get my wish.
"Promise you'll come right back?"
Nuzzling the top of her head, I stand with her in my arms and bring her to my bedroom. Two panic attacks, a mugging, a big revelation, and truth bombs drag her into dreamland as I promise, "Nothing could keep me away."