Chapter 27
Twenty-Seven
NATE
My skin feels tight, and no matter how I move or stretch, I can't get the feeling to go away.
The loud hum of my miter saw doesn't help drown out my thoughts.
I abandoned my whittling set a while ago once I realized I definitely did not need downtime to process all the shit that's happened the past few weeks.
Fucking hell, it's only been like two and a half weeks since we met Jamie. So much has thrown me for a loop I'm surprised I can still man my power tools without losing a damn finger.
I'm not being smart in allowing muscle memory to guide me as I cut materials, but I just can't seem to give work all of my focus. Scratch smart; it's fucking dangerous.
Pissed with myself for being so irresponsible with my tools, I power down the saw and step away from my workbench. Unable to control myself, my feet take me to my phone.
Tapping the screen, disappointment fills me when I see Jamie hasn't responded to my messages. Plural. It's been two days since the disaster at the restaurant, and still he won't fucking answer me.
I'll never be able to wipe the complete despair on Violet's face from my mind. She was lost in so much sadness when she slipped into her fight-or-flight mode that I froze for a moment too long.
Maybe if I had reached for her hand or stood to hold her sooner, she wouldn't have slipped so far into her panic.
The fact that Ellis and I caused her to feel so horrible doesn't sit right with me. Fuck that. I feel like our actions are dragging me to hell, giving me constant heartburn with how much the organ stutters in sadness.
My fingernails dig into my palms as I replay our interactions with Violet. It's unfair to blame Ellis for all of it, but he does need to take accountability for his fucking behavior.
Speak of the devil. The heavy door opens and slams closed behind me, echoing through the garage.
"Hey, are you coming in for dinner?" Ellis asks, sounding a little confused. I saw his text telling me that the pork chops were ready, but I chose to ignore him.
"In a bit," I grunt out, not looking at him. I'm afraid if I do, I'll snap. He doesn't deserve my anger if he feels bad for what he said to Violet. What if he doesn't feel bad though?
"Nate?" Ellis sounds closer. "You alright?"
I don't have a second to breathe before his words hit me right in the gut, forcing me to spew out all of my frustrations. Whipping around, I pierce him with a glare and my words. "Are you?! Because I sure as hell am not after witnessing you trigger an innocent woman over and over again!"
Rearing back, Ellis looks like he might be sick. His brown eyes look hurt, almost sucking me in, but I stand firm because I'm furious.
Like a fucking asshole, he stands his ground too. Except his tone is much softer, sadder and genuinely sounds a little lost. "Violet isn't innocent..."
Growling like a beast, I force myself to stay in place. I will not punch the man I love. "She may have broken our hearts, but it's our own fucking fault for turning to anger instead of understanding. Violet is a victim!"
"Don't fucking look at me like I'm the only one who was hurt and pissed at her!
" Ellis bellows, but his eyes look red like he's on the verge of crying, which makes me pause and let him continue.
"I wasn't the only one who laughed about fucking around with Jamie to get back at her! I'M NOT THE ONLY BAD GUY!"
I watch my best friend, my eternal love, slam a fist into his chest. That pained move combined with his words makes my breath stutter.
"I'm. Not. A. Bad. Guy." Ellis changes his wording and says it quietly, slowly, like he's trying to force himself to believe his words.
"Damn it," I curse and rush forward to hug him. He doesn't break down in tears, but he does swing his arms around me and holds on to me like I'm his lifeline.
I don't say anything for a few minutes. Gathering my thoughts before I speak this time is really important because I'm now realizing just how fragile Ellis is feeling.
Hell, he's been fragile ever since we saw Violet at the coffee shop.
I just really fucking wish his fragility didn't make him sharp when he breaks.
But that's hard for me to ask of him when it's who he is.
Fuck. I came at him guns blazing and throwing out accusations. Just like he did with Violet. He's right—he isn't the only one who made bad choices and treated others poorly.
The thing about heartbreak is that it can change brain chemistry.
My required psychology course in college taught me that dopamine and neurotransmitters are affected, altering pain and attachment.
This can lead to intense emotions or withdrawal.
Obsessive thinking, grief, anxiety, and depression are all symptoms of a breakup. We experienced them all.
Ellis never knew such pain until Violet shattered our future by running away. He lived a slightly sheltered, loving life with encouraging parents and two younger sisters who adore him.
When Violet ghosted us, Ellis changed. Of course I've loved him the same and even more through the heartache, but sometimes competing with his heavy emotions triggers my own.
I may be the leader in our relationship, but I'm human too. My feelings get the best of me sometimes as well. I'm not just a dominant machine that keeps my man in line and loved. I need something similar in return. Something I think Jamie might be for me if he gives us a chance.
Together when in pain, Ellis and I have a high probability of weaving toxicity. Which we did after we saw Violet and Jamie at the coffee shop. It was clear they were in some kind of relationship. Add a little alcohol to our open wounds? Well, we fucked up. Bad.
"I'm sorry, darling," I coo in his ear, letting the emotion slip through a little so he can hear my truth. "You're right. You aren't a bad guy. Neither am I. We made a bad choice fueled by anger. But," I hesitate, not wanting to sound too sensitive or weird.
I have a beard, I cut wood for a living, and I wear big bulky work boots everywhere I go.
I'm outwardly masculine, which always makes me hesitate to share thoughts or feelings that might seem more attributable to a female.
Societal norms for someone who looks like me do not include knowledge about feelings or vast insight.
At least in my experience. I was made fun of in high school and college for expressing myself because no buff kid with a lot of hair should feel apparently.
"But?" Ellis encourages, knowing I'm struggling a bit.
I take a deep breath, accepting that I'm in a safe place with my partner. "But there's more than anger. Honestly, I don't even think I'm mad at her anymore. I'm sad, Ellis. I miss her."
Ellis pulls back and studies me. "I miss V too. But I don't think the girl we fell in love with exists anymore."
"She does," I reply resolutely. "Violet's a victim whose trauma forced her to retreat and withdraw. I believe she's still in there. We saw it before we interrupted her date with Jamie, remember?"
He nods slightly, but there's still a heavy dose of uncertainty in his eyes. Honestly, I really do see the girl we knew in the older version we keep hurting. She has purple streaks in her hair for fuck’s sake. If her quirkiness still exists, then other aspects are still there.
Slumping against my chest again, Ellis groans. "I miss her so much, Nate."
I palm the back of his head and allow my sadness to swallow the anger inside me. "I know. Me too. The least we can do is relieve her of the guilt she showed us the other day. We need to tell her we forgive her. Maybe even that we miss her."
"Even if she never wants to see us again?" Ellis mumbles into my dusty shirt.
Nodding, I answer him. "Even if she doesn't want to see us again. We need to set her free, darling."
"Okay," Ellis whispers, sounding worried.
I'm scared too, but one of us needs to stand tall for a bit, and Ellis slumped over before I could so it's up to me. "We'll go see Jamie tomorrow and try to convince him to get us into contact with Violet."
Ellis snorts and shakes his head, obviously feeling as hopeful as I am. We'll be lucky if Jamie even opens the door to see us.