Chapter 33
Thirty-Three
VIOLET
There's something refreshing about the silence between me and Jamie. It's peaceful and offers an air of comfortability I never thought would be possible with us.
Jamie is an artist as well, but his focus isn't to stand in awe about the way the sunshine sparkles in the snow; his attention is in the details. So much so that he hasn't been afraid to kneel in a snowbank and study the lines of a dead leaf.
I'm not focused on the sun anymore either. No, I've found myself stealing photos of Jamie. Normally, portraits aren't my forte, but his passion and curiosity about how he can use this experience to enhance tattoos is stunning.
"This is so cool. Violet, come look at this, please."
With his hands on his knees, Jamie's face is inches away from a particularly rough-looking tree. He's studying the bark and tracing his fingers through the grooves. It's impossible to keep my camera from rising to my eye and my finger from clicking the button.
Immediately his head whips around to see what I'm doing. Caught red-handed, I just go with it and continue snapping my shots. His beaming smile jolts me forward and makes me put my camera down.
"Sorry," I apologize and actually walk toward him. "Here I come."
Jamie watches me like a hawk as I sidestep mounds of snow.
Once I'm close enough, he reaches out a hand to help me over a prickly bush.
I don't need his help, but his actions are sweet.
When he tucks me into his front and starts telling me about the depth he could create with some tree tattoos, I feel like crying.
Why have I been keeping myself from experiencing these wonderful things?
"Alright, up you go. We have to keep you moving so you don't freeze." Jamie once again helps me over the small bush as if I'm not a daredevil hiker. I'm a cliff girly, and definitely enjoy the thrill of going off the beaten path.
Humoring him, I let him warm up my hands while my camera rests around my neck.
We've started up a hill, and my heart is thumping harder with the slight exertion.
Hiking will always be therapeutic for me, and my camera helps me slow down to enjoy the spot I'm at.
Internally, I scold myself for not going on a hike sooner this month.
With everything being thrown at me, I really freaking needed this.
"Thank you," I murmur, not wanting to disturb the serenity of nature. "For surprising me on our birthday." We don't need gifts for each other; this is perfect.
Jamie squeezes my hand and looks at me. "Thank you for agreeing to spend your day with me, V."
Guilt coils tight in my belly. Glancing up at Jamie, I admit, "I hate you have to thank me for spending time with you. I'm sorry for my distance over the years."
Jamie doesn't let a moment of pause come between us. "Are you here with me now though? Close and ready for more?"
I give him the courtesy of thinking about it for a moment. He's asking me a serious question, and I must handle it with care. "I'm here with you," I whisper in confirmation. "No more distance. But I don't know what more means when everything feels so complicated."
"You mean everyone?" he questions, knowing where I'm headed with this.
As he grabs my elbow to help me across a patch of ice, I think about what to say. The truth is a good start I guess. "Nate and Ellis really like you. I've seen how you are with them too. They're good for you, and I think you'd be good for them."
"There is no me without you, Violet."
I cringe, my mind taking me to the place I don't really want to go but have to anyway. "Jamie." I sigh, shaking my head. "They hate me. I would just cause more problems if you keep thinking that way."
"And what way do you assume I'm thinking?" He sounds so calm and confident it riles me up just enough to actually have this conversation. At least we're doing my favorite activity during it.
"You think we can all just be one big happy family, the four of us. That's simply not true. Nate and Ellis don't want anything from me. Heck," I huff, throwing my hands in the air. "I think they only forgave me to get in your good graces again."
Now Jamie lets the silence stretch, and this time I hate it. Who knows what exactly I want him to say, but he needs to say something. The longer this goes on, the more my mind will fill in the blanks. Woohoo for anxiety.
"Interesting." That’s all he fucking says!
I try to tug my hand free, annoyance flaring hot in my chest. When he doesn't release me, words tumble out of my mouth in a case of word vomit.
"Really? That's all you have to say? Jamie, I'm willing to share you with them, and as much as I would love to be involved with the three of you, Nate and Ellis wouldn't want that.
So I'll just enjoy the time I have with you, okay? "
We've stopped walking, and Jamie turns to step in front of me. His gloved hands pull my winter hat back into place, warming my right ear again. Smiling softly, he presses a gentle kiss to my lips.
"My sweet woman. Violet, there's no you sharing me. Let me prove to you it's the other way around, please? In no time you'll realize Nate and Ellis still have feelings for you."
I'm already shaking my head, but Jamie continues, still so calmly. "Yes, I like them. I don't like how hotheaded they've been, but I empathize with their hurt. It’s true they like me. But their love for you is still very real."
My mouth is wide open. "I feel like we're a couple that's talking about opening our marriage up to them or something."
Jamie barks out a laugh and kisses me again. "Oh how I love the word marriage on your lips. And yes, my love. You can think of it that way because no matter what, it's you and me. Got it?"
I'm a little too dumbstruck by the way this conversation has gone to say much more, so I just nod.
"Good," he hums and kisses me again. "You'll trust me to prove to you this is a very real possibility?"
I nod, entranced by the way he's taking control. My gosh, it feels so nice to just let this go and allow Jamie to handle this twisted situation.
"Beautiful. I'll have rules though."
At that, I roll my eyes. "I may be letting you take the lead, but rules? Come on Jamie, you know I don't follow rules."
Playfully biting at my nose, Jamie laughs and starts our hike again.
"I meant for Nate and Ellis. I'll require full respect and kindness when it comes to you.
Open communication and total honesty. They've started at a low fucking bar, so they should have no issue rising to the top to be a good partner to you. "
"You've thought a lot about this..."
He looks down at me with so much love I choke up a little. "You're my love and my life, Violet. Of course I've thought about keeping you safe, happy, and healthy. If they aren't on board, I won't be throwing any buoys."
I laugh at the cheesy metaphor but am quickly shut up by a black squirrel cresting the hill in front of us. My gasp is loud enough for Jamie to release me. I feel his eyes on me the entire time I capture my images.
It would take something big to knock me off the happy cloud I've found myself on.