Chapter 7
Seven
VIOLET
I'm a whole ass fucking mess. Everything is a mess, and it started because of me.
Woe is me, right? But it's fucking true, and I'm feeling incredibly unhinged the more I think about it.
My new journal at Mom's house is blank sheets of paper from their home printer. Who still has a printer?
"What are you doing?" Levi, freaking Levi, calmly asks me this.
I don't even spare him a glance. He punched Jamie and tossed him into a snowbank. Jamie was wrongly accused. Because of me. So why haven't I unblocked him?
"Rage journaling." I’m not up for talking to anyone, and thankfully Levi gets it and leaves. Mom's library is doing nothing to calm my psyche. Over and over again, I go through the things I witnessed and heard.
I'm so stupid for thinking Jamie knew about the revenge plan. FACT.
Jamie has been nothing but loving and obsessed with me for YEARS. FACT!
Ellis and Nate used Jamie to get revenge on me for breaking their hearts. Fact.
I broke their hearts. Fact.
I ghosted them. Fact.
I made poor, stupid, ridiculous, childish choices that hurt so many people in so many ways. Fact.
It's all my fault. Fact.
I was the beginning of each painful experience. Fact.
I'm sad. Fact.
Jamie was used because of me. Fact.
He's probably hurt. I'm sure he is.
I'm hurt. Fact.
I believe what Nate said. I'm not sure I want to.
I believe what Ellis said. I want to believe it was real.
"Ugh!" I can't take it anymore. The pen in my hand goes flying across the coffee table. "This isn't helping," I grumble, dropping my face into my sweaty palms.
A mess, I tell you.
If I hadn't kept that big secret from Mom seven years ago, none of us would even be in this position. Jamie wouldn't be upset. But would I have met him?
My decisions drove me from Chicago and eventually into his arms. I wouldn't give him up for the world, but...but Nate and Ellis.
How do I choose which decision is best? I never would have met Jamie if I hadn’t messed up back then and lost Nate and Ellis.
I thought I had three. I thought we were healing. I thought...
Because I hate myself, I drag my laptop over to me and flip it open.
After sending off a few emails to my employers about my situation, I decide some more heartache is in demand.
My fingers do the work of finding the file I keep of Jamie.
With one click, my screen is flooded with beautiful images of him smiling or focusing on something.
He's a work of art that I can't help but photograph.
I don't know how much time passes or how many slices of banana bread I've devoured until it feels like my brain has shut off. I'm no closer to having a plan or feeling a certain way about any of this. All I can do is eat and cry while looking at pictures of the man I love. One of them.
"This isn't healthy," a masculine voice rumbles behind me.
Felix.
Without looking at him, I wave a slice of bread in the air and say, "Neither is this, but you all keep forcing me to eat it."
"Nobody forced you to eat half the damn loaf, V. And that's not what I'm talking about," he says, and flops down on the couch beside me. Gesturing to my laptop, he explains, "This isn't healthy."
"I miss him," I whisper, my throat tight with sadness. "What else am I supposed to do?"
Dumb question, but that's how I feel.
"You could call him," Felix suggests.
Glaring at him halfheartedly, I feel frustration rise. "Why would you want me to call him? Levi punched him in the face a few hours ago because we all thought he hurt me."
"Right." Felix nods, his eyes soft but intense. "But he didn't."
Guilt floods me, making me squeeze my eyes shut. "No, he didn't."
"So why are you sitting here looking at a bunch of pictures instead of talking to him?" Felix is an overprotective alphahole, so hearing him encourage me to talk to Jamie is throwing me for a loop.
Sass makes its way into my vocabulary. "Why are you sitting here telling me to talk to him? Aren't you supposed to have a shotgun out ready to kill any man who takes an interest in me?"
Felix snorts and shakes his head. "V, you told us a long time ago that we wouldn't be your dads. I may be married to your adoptive mom, but you've never given us permission to be anything more than cool uncles or overprotective family friends."
"Oh." Once again, I feel like a piece of shit. All I've done since I've met them is push everyone I love away. I'm just recently coming to terms with how much is wrong with me.
"And that's okay," Felix continues, patting my hand that still hovers over my keyboard. "We love you very much, kiddo. You’re family and the most important thing to your mama and us."
Tears fill my eyes, but I don't let them fall. All everyone has done for me is be patient and accepting of who I've become.
"And in all honesty..." Felix sighs and drops his head back to lean on the couch.
"I'd rather you always be here and happy with Blue than out in the world finding your way.
So it kills me to say this as someone who does think of you as my kid, but Jamie loves you.
He's good for you. You're growing and learning shit all on your own, which terrifies me and the others, but it's so fucking normal for your age that I can't do much but give you a bit of wisdom when I can. "
Chewing on the inside of my lip, I process his words. Felix is like the head of the family, so having his support and backing to be with Jamie is a relief in a way.
Taking a leap of faith, I ask a question I'd planned to avoid. "What about Nate and Ellis? What's your wisdom on that?"
Felix releases a big sigh that draws my attention. Shifting, I place my laptop down and turn toward him on the couch with my good foot tucked under me. Whatever he has to say will be heavy.
"Honestly, V, you remind me a lot of myself.
If you weren't fifteen years my junior and not blood related, I'd think you were actually my kid.
" He pins me with a serious look, and for the first time, I actually feel like he could be a really amazing father.
"You made some mistakes that were born out of fear.
I did too. When I reconnected with Blue, I almost fucked it all up with my attitude.
The four of us men didn't handle it well.
It took a while for us to accept her feelings and anger. "
"She was mad for a long time," I reflect quietly, remembering how much groveling they had to do to earn her trust.
Felix nods sadly. "Yes, and for good reason."
Ouch.
"We ghosted her for no good reason. Young and scared, we ran from our feelings. Sound familiar?"
"You're not pulling punches today," I grumble, feeling like a young child getting scolded for my immaturity.
He laughs again, helping me feel a little better. "You asked for my wisdom. First thing you need to do is acknowledge the fact that those men loved you so much that when you left, you broke them."
"I know that."
"No, sweetie. I mean, those men today are not the men you loved a long time ago. Blue was definitely not the same girl. She became a woman full of sass and independence while we were off with our thumbs up our asses."
Narrowing my eyes at Felix, I try to understand what he's saying. "I know they aren't the same. Clearly," I huff bitterly.
"Violet. Heartbreak changes people. So does love."
Tossing my hands up in the air, I ignore the twinge of pain in my ribs. "What the hell are you talking about now?"
"The men you knew seven years ago have changed.
The men you met in January have changed.
One was because you broke their hearts and the next.
..Well, can you believe they have fallen in love with you again?
You heard what they said. They said it was real.
The only way you'll come to the conclusion that feels right for you is if you give everyone a chance to explain. "
"And if I decide they're a bunch of bastards who hurt me to get even, then what?"
Felix grins wickedly. "Then I'll be waiting for permission to use my shotgun."
A giggle slips free, and I don't even mind how much it hurts. It feels nice. Felix chuckles too and stands. "The hard part about loving multiple people is the different sides of the stories you need to consider. Love you," he says and kisses the top of my head as he leaves the room.
Every story has multiple sides. Mine has four. Am I strong enough to listen, though?