Chapter 30
Thirty
VIOLET
I'm not shy. I'm just not. What you get is what you get. I'm definitely not shy about sex. Honestly, if I could have a relationship with all three men that is purely physical, that would be a relief.
Yes, I know that's not on the list of self-growth items. Whatever. I get it, and I am loving my relationship with Jamie. I wish it didn't feel like something was missing. Specifically two someones.
I hate to fucking say this, but I'm craving the physical connection I had with the other two. I'm jittery without their touch these past few weeks.
A more emotionally competent person would tell me I miss them. They'd also probably say that just a sexual relationship wouldn't be healthy for my heart.
Last night I wanted to make a booty call. Specifically to the two men I shouldn't want to talk to. God! I'm literally the worst. But I didn't. I sat with myself, and my vibrator of course. I want to know what Ellis got tattooed, and I want to know what Nate's working on.
Damn it, I do miss them. It's more than sex which makes things complicated.
"Violet, just call him. You're giving me a headache."
My narrowed stare shifts to Cassidy who just rolled out of bed. "I don't think it's my indecisiveness that's giving you a headache, bitch," I tease. "That one is brought on by tequila and your own questionable choices."
"Hey!" she snaps and points a finger at me. "You focus on your own hunky man. Mine is complicated as hell."
I purse my lips as I watch her shuffle around the kitchen. "It's hard to focus on Nate when your hunky man stumbled out of our apartment a bit ago."
The hurt that flashes through her eyes makes me feel bad for even bringing it up.
Her on and off again relationship is going to come to a head soon, and I'll be there to pick up the pieces if it comes to that.
I'm not sure it will because that man looked like leaving Cass this morning was the hardest thing he's ever done.
"We can't be together," she mumbles into her fresh cup of coffee.
"Cass..." I sigh, but she cuts me off.
"Can we talk about yours first? Let me drink this, then we can talk about how complicated it is for me to be in love with the president of our local MC."
"WHAT?!" Slamming my hands down on the table, I stand so fast my chair falls over. "You’re joking. Tell me you’re joking?"
"About which part?"
How can she be so nonchalant about this? I'm about to jump out of my skin with the adrenaline rushing through me. This is huge! "Fucking all of it! You're in love with the president of the MC?!"
Cassidy sighs long and loud as she slumps onto the couch. "I swear I'll tell you everything after we talk about your issue. Yours is much less...dangerous...than mine."
"What the fuck, Cass?!" I screech, standing in front of her as she snuggles into the couch.
"Ugh." She covers one ear with a hand. "Shh. And stop swearing. It sounds weird coming from you."
My hands fist and my face feels hot with information overload. "I'm gonna—"
Knock, knock, knock!
Shoot.
"You gonna get that?" Cassidy mumbles into her coffee cup.
Grumbling at her, I stomp away and swing the door open to let Nate in. "Hi," I huff and snatch my jacket off the hook.
Nate immediately looks startled by my attitude, but Cassidy saves me. Waving over the couch, she says, "Good morning! The bitchiness isn't for you. It's for me!"
Nate visibly relaxes. "Good morning, Cassidy. Violet, you sure you want to come with me?"
"Yes," I say a little too aggressively. Stomping back over to Cass with my booties on, I kiss the top of her head so she knows I'm not actually mad. "We'll talk about this later. Kay?"
"Obvi," she replies and rolls her eyes.
Jesus, is this how she felt when I wouldn't talk to her about my personal life? This sucks, and now I'm worried about her.
"And I want to know what happens with that," she adds, pointing at Nate who's still hovering by the door. Her eyebrow is raised as if she's wondering why the heck he's here.
Quietly, so he can't hear, I give Cass some truth. "I miss him. I need to figure out why..."
"Okay," she says with a warm smile. That simple gesture makes me feel so much better. As if she doesn't judge me for wanting to spend time with one of the men who broke my trust. "Have fun."
"Love you," I whisper and soak in the happiness I feel when my best friend says it back. Being more emotionally available isn't so bad. It is incredibly nerve-wracking when the person I'm trying to keep an open mind with is the same one who hurt me.
With my purse in hand, I usher Nate back out the door. "Let's go. I'm sure your mom is wondering where you are."
Nate chuckles and places his hand on my lower back. "She knows exactly where I am. She's excited to finally meet you."
Groaning, I drop my chin to my chest as I allow him to guide me out to his car. "Not you too. Jamie likes to tease me about how much his mom loves me."
"You're easy to love, baby."
That comment makes me shut up for quite a while.
I'm glad Nate doesn't pry or pepper me with questions. Unfortunately, that means the twenty-minute drive to his mom’s house in Ferndale is a little uncomfortable.
I do recognize that it could be a lot worse, so I force myself to relax in the passenger seat and enjoy the drive.
As the streets begin to weave through cozy neighborhoods, Nate glances at me a few times. I've had enough when he curses and misses his turn, resulting in a furious blush beneath his beard.
"Nate, are you nervous?" I wonder aloud, trying to keep myself from smiling.
"Maybe a little," he grumbles and glances at me again. "Sorry. You're just so fucking beautiful and I can't believe you're willingly in my car."
Now I let my smile free. "You're welcome."
That makes him laugh and, to my relief, his shoulders drop. "Thank you, baby."
"Hi, Mo—"
"You must be Violet!" the tall, willowy beauty in front of me cuts her son off. "I'm Tina. None of the Mrs. bullshit."
"Mom!" Nate gasps but Tina's already yanking me through the door and leaving him in the dust.
"We need to talk, young lady," she declares, completely serious. Terrified, I look pleadingly over my shoulder at Nate. He looks apologetic, but he smiles. Hopefully Tina isn't about to murder me.
"I'm not sure—"
Tina huffs and drags me into her living room. "Nonsense. You sit, Nate will get us some of Ellis' glorious banana muffins."
"Ellis made them?" I blurt, once again glancing back to see Nate. I'm completely out of my depth here. Nate's mom wants to talk to me, and her hard stare is scaring the crap out of me. And also, since when does Ellis the asshole bake freaking banana muffins?
Tina cocks her head at me and softens her tone. "Ellis is always baking me goodies."
"Oh." Goodness, I'm uncomfortable. This was a mistake. Wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans, I prepare to stand up and call an Uber.
"Violet, honey," Tina whispers, leaning forward in her chair. With our proximity, I can easily see the laugh lines around her eyes and dimples in her cheeks. She's stunning and so strong.
"Y-yes, Tina?" Swallowing, I try not to act like she's going to murder me. I broke her son’s heart for shit’s sake. This woman has every right to kick me out of her house after giving me a piece of her mind.
To my surprise, she grabs one of my hands in a gentle hold and places her other palm over her heart.
"I am so, so sorry for what my son did. The way he's hurt you.
..Well," she clears her throat, "I'll just say I'm grateful for the opportunity to meet you.
After he told me what he and Ellis did..
.My heart broke thinking I could never meet the woman they've loved for seven years.
I am also so very sorry about what happened to your mama.
I couldn't imagine the fear and awful feelings you must be living with.
When I was young, I tried to outrun my trauma too, honey. "
Well, shit...Tears blur my vision and tumble down my cheeks. "I-I didn't expect you to-to—"
"Baby, breathe," Nate coos, seating himself on the couch beside me. His large, warm hand cradles the back of my neck, helping to ground me and warm the chill overtaking my body. "Baby."
Nate sounds worried, but all I can do is try to force my sobs back down. "T-thank you, T-Tina," I gasp out, then fold over my legs and let loose the back-breaking sob that has been threatening me for a long time.
"Shit," Nate curses and drops to his knees in front of me. "Look at me, Violet."
I vaguely hear his mom murmuring something, then Nate grabs my chin in his fingers and forces me to look at him. "In through your nose, out through your mouth. Fucking hell, don't make me call Jamie. He will kill me."
Sucking a greedy gulp of air in, I blow a raspberry as I push it back out. I do this over and over again, trying to pay attention to the tingles in my lips when they vibrate together.
"Good girl. Such a good job. Keep doing that," he coos, pushing my hair behind my ear and maintaining eye contact.
"I wasn't—" I hiccup. "I wasn't having a panic attack."
"You needed to stop crying."
Tina snorts and kicks her son gently in the back, making him rock forward a bit. "Everyone needs a hard cry, Nate. She will probably have many more with the shit you've pulled. Go get her some water."
My heart aches when he closes his eyes and hangs his head. He acts as though his mom’s reminder of the way he's failed me hurts him.
"Yes, ma'am," he agrees and stands as he plants a kiss on the top of my head.
"Give us ten minutes!" Tina hollers. and Nate gives her a thumbs up, releasing a quivering giggle from me.
"I'm sorry." I cringe and wipe my eyes with a tissue she hands over. "What you said was very overwhelming. I really thought you were going to h-hate on me or something."
Tina dabs under her eyes, and I finally register that she also got choked up. "No need to apologize, Violet. Men sometimes have a hard time when the woman they love is in tears. Sends them right into panic mode."
There's that L word again.
Tina once again holds my hand. "I'm not going to pretend to know why you're here or assume you're giving the boys another chance. And I won't defend them or excuse their actions. What I would like to offer you, if you let me, is some understanding. Two points of view I bet you've wondered about."
"What do you mean?" Wiping my nose and cheeks, I blink at Nate's mom. What is she saying?
She gives me a sad smile. "Would you like to hear how they handled your breakup the first time? Sometimes having as much information as possible leads to more confident decisions."
Do I want to know how my shitty choices hurt them? No, not even a little. But the past is important if I want to have a future with them. Maybe if I have a tiny glimpse, then I can figure out how I can move forward with all of this. Because one thing is for certain, I miss them so much.
"Okay," I nod, sounding a bit scared. "Please tell me."