Chapter 46
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
THE HEATHEN
“Carter. Goddamn it, look at me.”
He stands with his back turned to me, his shoulders slumped over, his fingers visibly twitching.
“Seeing that picture—it hurt. I get it, but don’t shut me out. Let me help you through it.”
He slams his fist into the cement wall before pulling it back with a hiss.
“I’m not going to survive losing you.”
It’s times like this that I’m desperate to touch him. His fist is bleeding, but I can’t even check to see if it’s broken.
“Carter. You’re never going to lose me.”
He laughs, but there’s no sincerity behind it—no joy—only anger and bitterness.
“Those men in there know things about my father that nobody does. Details my brothers don’t know. When you find out the truth, you’ll walk away when you can’t stomach looking at me. And I guarantee you—“
His voice is raw, drenched in pain as he continues.
“You won’t look at me the same.”
The sound of his tears guts me. It kills me, but the only thing I can do is reassure him with my words.
“I love you, Carter. Nothing could ever change that.”
He finally turns to me with wet cheeks. I’m desperate to hold him but of course, can’t. It’s the elephant in the room that never goes away.
“Even when you find out I lied to you?”
I shrug my shoulders as if it doesn’t matter, even though I know it might depending on what he is referring to.
“What did you lie about?”
Carter drops his gaze to the ground, staring in one spot, appearing lost and broken.
“I said there was nothing sexual. I lied to you. He fucked me so many times my asshole had to be sewn back together.”
My heart shatters as I process his words. He was a fucking baby. What I went through isn’t better because I was older but—he was a fucking baby.
He falls to his knees as sobs wrack his body, and I drop to mine too.
For him, this is the hardest truth he has ever told.
Holding onto this secret has damaged him unbelievably.
Keeping it in turns you into more of a victim.
It’s like a ticking time bomb in your chest—waiting to explode and destroy you and everyone in your path.
“Carter, touch me. Hold me. Take what I know you need from me.”
I place my hands behind my back as he wraps his arms around me and let him hold me while he cries.
“You were a little boy. It wasn’t your choice, and it’s not your fault.”
We sit for a long time while Carter holds onto me as if he’s terrified to let go and if he does—he might drown.
“You were a little boy. It wasn’t your choice, and it’s not your fault.” I say again because I think he needs to hear it on repeat.
“Sometimes I know that, and sometimes I don’t.” He says with a sniffle. And those are words I understand so well.
“You never told anyone? Why?”
He shakes his head no but then says, “Our mom knew because of the surgery. I never told Knox and Kill because of the shame. I was afraid they wouldn’t see me as a man. I’m not sure I can explain it, but the thought of them finding out became my biggest fear until I met you.”
I tilt my head back and stare at him, and he immediately spots the question in my eyes.
“My biggest fear became losing you, and I thought if you found out, it would change things. The thought alone was more than I could handle, so I lied to you.”
I’d be a complete hypocrite after what I’ve told him about my life to ridicule him over this. And I would never.
“I wouldn’t want you to judge me for what happened to me, and I’m not judging you. You were a child. Wasn’t it you who told me a child cannot consent? That goes for you too. I do wish he were still alive so I could kill him.”
His lips curve up into a smile as he chuckles softly.
“My beautiful, unhinged goddess.”
He presses his hands to my face and kisses my forehead, then each of my cheeks.
“Thank you.”
I hold my hand, palm up still, offering it to Carter and waiting for him to choose. His eyes travel from my hand to my face and back to my hand, nervously.
“There’s no pressure, Carter. If you want it, take it. If you don’t, that’s okay. You were a little boy back then with no control. You have full control of this moment, you choose what happens. We are safe with each other. I know you feel that.”
His breaths come out heavy and labored, like he’s running even though he’s sitting perfectly still. I stare into his eyes as he wars with himself in his mind. I’m desperate to show him the safety he has shown me.
He moves his hand to touch mine and quickly jerks it back as if my hand were made of fire. I continue to wait because this needs to be his choice. All of Carter’s choices were taken from him as a boy, and he needs to know he’s in control. If we touch, it will be his doing.
“Little Heathen.” His voice comes out broken and raw. He wants to do this, but like the little boy all those years ago, the fear of the unknown is holding him back.
Again, he tries three more times but keeps yanking his hand away. He inhales sharply and lets out a slow breath, attempting to calm himself.
And then he touches my hand.
My heart pounds in my chest, waiting to see if he spirals because of it, and when he doesn’t, I close my fingers around his hand.
“How does that feel, Carter?”
Staring at our combined hands, his eyes are full of wonder and surprise as his breathing evens out, and he speaks words that make my heart soar.
“It doesn’t hurt. It feels like everything I’ve ever wanted. Because it’s you. Touch hurts. Like burning fire on the skin. The movement of hands rattle me to the core. That has always been my truth. But now-”
He takes in another breath and releases it as his eyes stare into mine, the purest love reflecting in his gaze. It physically hurts.
“Touch heals. Your touch heals.”
I release his hand, and he helps me to my feet. This moment is electric and powerful. After this beautiful moment, we both know—everything changes. Vanishing is despair, and its place is hope.
“You’re not alone, Carter. We love you, and what happened doesn’t need to be your dirty little secret. You did nothing wrong. You were a fucking baby. I think your brothers should know, but it won’t come from me. It’s not my story to tell.”
Placing his hand on my shoulder, Carter gazes at me, his dark eyes tenderly staring into mine.
“You really are fucking perfect.”
Tucking my fallen hair behind my ear, he kisses me softly on the cheek. It’s the little things like this that make me fall harder for him.
A soft smile.
His tender touch.
The grateful look in his eyes.
He is only vulnerable with me, and that means everything.
“Are you ready to go back inside?”
I nod even though my mind is still reeling over what he told me. Carter knows how I have always felt, but I really wish he didn’t. This is the one thing I never wanted us to have in common.
He opens the door to the house and steps inside.
“Come, Little Heathen.”
Those three words cause my insides to clench as he turns toward me with a chuckle.
“Dirty, dirty fucking girl.”
I follow Carter into the bathroom as he cleans his hand.
“We should take you to a hospital and make sure it isn’t broken.”
Patting it with a towel, he glances at me, “It’s not broken.”
When we walk into the living room, all eyes turn to me, making me feel awkward, and I’m sure they were talking about me when Bianca wipes a tear from her cheek.
Carter and I move to sit back down on the couch, and Knox grabs my waist and pulls me onto his lap. Kissing my neck softly as he whispers in my ear.
“I missed you, Tesoro.”
Laying my head back on his shoulder, I turn my face to his neck and inhale his scent.
“Sooo.”
I look across at Bones as he scratches his head, his eyes filled with confusion.
“All three of you then?” He asks, and all three of my men break out in laughter as my cheeks heat.
“All three of us,” Killian confirms, and they stare at us like we are insane.
Raven clears his throat, clearly wanting to change the subject.
“You can stay in the guest house so you’ll have more-“
Waving his hand in the air, he continues, “privacy. I’m going to reassign four of my guards to you. In the coming days, we will discuss how to handle this fight. Can we get Benji to look into all parties involved?”
It takes me a minute, but I figure out he’s talking to Bones when he nods.
“I’ll call him.”
He glances at Killian and offers an explanation.
“Benji is the best in the business with intel. If there’s information to be found, he’ll find it.”
I breathe a sigh of relief, grateful for the help, not for me but for my men. There’s no doubt in my mind that this fight is a set-up, and the plan is to kill all of us. My father is not interested in money. This is revenge, plain and simple.