26. CONNOR
TWENTY-SIX
CONNOR
It turns out being sexually frustrated is good for my game. My hits are harder, my risks are riskier, and my D game is on point. Mainly because my other D game is on pause.
I don’t know what it is about having Parker on the road with us that makes it so much worse. Sure, his hotel room is only a couple of floors away from mine, so he’s a lot closer than at home, but thirty seconds on an elevator might as well be cities away, seeing as we don’t want to risk fooling around in the same building as everyone. He never said those words explicitly, but I got the message loud and clear when he said we shouldn’t interact around the team. And on the road, I am constantly surrounded by teammates.
My growing want for him could be that I’ve never had this before with women. Not this need with any individual person. With them, I guess I always felt like if I got horny, I could go hook up with someone new because I’d never get serious with any of them. They were replaceable. Not in a discard them like trash kind of way, but in an I don’t want to give them false hope kind of way.
Parker isn’t like that. Parker is … irreplaceable in my head. Just like at the gay bar the other night, the thought of so meone else doesn’t do it for me. I can’t picture myself hooking up with any other man. As for women? Right now, my only focus is on him. And hockey. Though, I’m not going to lie, ever since Easton pointed out all my flaws and I started questioning everything, hockey doesn’t have the same shine it once had.
Not for me.
I’m hoping to get that purpose back one day, but it’s like my mind doesn’t know if I love hockey because I really do or because I was told to love it. Breathe it. Everything I’ve ever done for my entire life always traced back to the game.
Didn’t go out underage drinking with high school buddies? It could ruin my future if I was caught.
Didn’t give in to peer pressure to smoke or do drugs? It would make me sluggish on the ice.
Didn’t explore these repressed feelings? Back then, there were more important things to focus on other than myself.
Or so I thought.
If I’d had the opportunity to figure this all out back then, maybe I would have realized sooner that hockey isn’t the be-all and end-all. Other things are more important.
Like not being a dick to people in high school. Letting my brothers be independent of me and let them live their lives. Be happy about the man I’m becoming instead of being ashamed of the man I was.
I want to focus on the good things happening around me, and while hockey is going well for me, and I’m good at it … do I actually love it? I like it enough to keep going, but my priorities are changing. Working on myself currently outranks my need for hockey, but it’s not like I can ask to take a break or even quit. If I do that and then realize hockey is my future, it would be really difficult to come back.
Something I don’t love about hockey is how games like tonight, where yes, my hits were harder, and I did my job and we took out the win, I’m fucking sore. I’m way too young to be complaining about the bruises. That’s like retirement-level bullshit.
As I’m undressing in the locker room afterward, my brother approaches and slaps my shoulder. I wince so hard he laughs.
“I’m surprised you’re not bruised all over with how hard you were going out there tonight.”
“I am bruised all over. Or it feels like I am.”
“Aww, poor Connor need a big, strong man to kiss him better?”
I frown at him.
He tilts his head with a “Really?” expression across his face. “Relax. The guys can’t hear me, and even if they did, they wouldn’t know it could happen.”
It’s only then I realize I was frowning at the wrong thing. It should’ve been because his snark could out me to the team, but it was actually because Parker isn’t big or strong. I thought he was saying I should go find a big, strong man … who isn’t Parker.
Jesus, there really is something wrong with how gone I am over this guy already.
Is it because it’s fun and new, and he’s like a shiny toy? Is it because what we have speaks to that primal level of me that pisses my brothers off? Will it eventually piss him off?
I’m like a giant walking red flag of obsessiveness. Parker should be getting ready to fill out a restraining order.
“I don’t care if the rest of the team knows I’m sleeping with a guy.” This I say loud enough to catch a few stray eyes, but with Easton on the team, they don’t have anything to say about it. If anything, their eyebrows just shoot up, and they move on. Because they don’t care. I made sure they wouldn’t care when East came out.
But for this part, I move in close and lower my voice. “It’s who I’m sleeping with that can’t get out.”
Easton looks surprised as well, but I’m assuming for different reasons than the team finding out I’m queer. If Easton hadn’t clued in to that yet, I’d worry about his IQ.
“You coming to this Queer Collective dinner with me, then?” he asks.
I rub my shoulder where I took out Dex Mitchell earlier. “Yes. I need to tell Dex that his body is like cement, and he should probably check to see if his bones are made of metal. Remind me next time we play Vegas that I’ll let Dex get away with anything.”
Easton laughs. “This could be fun.”
It could. Or it could be a complete disaster where all I’ll think about all night is Parker. Wanting to go back to the hotel and sneak into Parker’s room. Wanting to see Parker.
Parker, Parker, Parker.
I need help.
When Tripp and Dex open the door to their apartment, Dex gets a confused scrunch in his brow. “You brought … your brother.”
“So did you,” East snarks, referring to when the couple were called the Mitchell Brothers because they were best friends and had the same last name but spelled differently.
Dex’s confusion doesn’t leave his pretty face. That’s not queer Connor noticing he’s pretty. He’s just a pretty man in general. “I don’t have a brother.”
The poor guy.
I pat his shoulder. “It’s okay, I’m seeing someone named Parker.” Parker no last name. Like Cher. Or Zendaya. It’s not the team owner. Nope.
“What does that have to do with bringing my brother?” Dex asks.
“No, I meant, that’s why I’m here.”
Dex still doesn’t get it .
Beside him, Tripp sighs. “Just how hard did you hit my husband out there tonight?”
I shrug. “If the bruises all over my body are any indication, I’d say hard.”
“Hockey is such a dangerous sport,” East says. “Anyway, where’s the alcohol? We have a win to celebrate.”
“You have a win to celebrate,” Tripp grumbles and then turns on his heel.
The three of us follow him, and I call out, “Hey, don’t be bitter. Just be better.”
Tripp flips me off.
Even the high I used to get from gloating isn’t there anymore.
Figuring out who I am while stripping back all of my previously known likes and dislikes has broken me in a way I never saw coming, but I do want to keep going. I want to know everything about myself.
From competitive narcissist to … person who doesn’t even like taunting? Who the fuck am I?
Tripp gets us drinks, and we go out onto their terrace.
The weather hasn’t even begun to start cooling down in Vegas, even though half of Colorado is already seeing snow.
“Who’s this Parker chick?” Dex asks.
I’m lucky my hand only reached halfway to my mouth before he asked, or there would be liquid everywhere from choking on it.
“Parker’s a man,” I correct him.
“Oh.” His brow does the confused scrunch thing again. “Ooooh.”
Now he gets it.
“It’s new, and I’m not really telling anyone, but I know you’ve all been good to East since he came out, so I assume I can trust you?”
“Of course,” Tripp says.
Dex nods .
“So, umm, yeah. I’m dating a man. I’m … bi?” I don’t know why that comes out as a question, but oh well.
Dex lifts his hand to high-five me. “Woohoo to being obliviously queer!”
I hesitate to meet his enthusiasm, but hey, it’s exactly what I was: too wrapped up in unimportant shit to see the real me underneath.
Tripp and Easton share a glance, one I sense is about me, but I don’t call them on it.
I probably don’t want to know what it means. I’m sure Easton’s told the whole Collective how overbearing I am, and I’m trying to leave that all behind me and move on, so rehashing it now will only disappoint me and put me back in that bad headspace. I’m good where I am now. I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m no longer in denial.
“Ezra will be happy,” Dex says. “The Collective is taking over the NHL. I heard the AHL has their own version of us now.”
“Really?” I ask.
“It’s amazing more and more people aren’t scared to be their authentic self in this industry.” For someone who is slow to pick up on things, Dex has a big heart and doesn’t miss the important things.
I think about what he said and realize I’m lucky to be discovering this now, where so many have come before me that I don’t have to fear backlash. Not from the important people in my life. My biggest fear is the news getting out that I’m involved with the guy who owns my career. It could be seen as a massive power imbalance, even though it’s not like that at all. We’re merely two people who might have found each other sooner if things were different.
If I wasn’t hockey captain and he wasn’t the computer geek.
“This Parker guy …” Tripp says. But then something kn owing shines in his eyes, as if something clicks. “Wait. It’s not?—”
I stand in a hurry. “You guys got a bathroom I can go use?”
Tripp’s eyes get even wider, but Dex is oblivious again.
He stands and gestures for me to go inside. “I’ll show you to the master bathroom because our niece put her toys in the guest bathroom, and now we have to wait for a plumber to come out because we’re in a high-rise, and she’s messed up the entire line from that toilet to the next level down, so all it does it get backed up with so much shit. Like, literally.”
“Got it. Master bathroom. That’s all you had to say, man.”
Once inside their bathroom, I take a deep breath. I don’t actually need to go but make myself at least take a leak so I can lie to myself that’s the reason I ran in here so fast.
I take out my phone and message Parker.
I think I messed up.
My phone rings a second later with his name. I answer and say, “Hey.”
“At another gay bar, but this time, you fell into someone’s mouth?” He sounds amused, but I can hear an edge in his tone too.
“No. I’m at Tripp and Dex’s place, and I told them I was dating a guy named Parker, but it turns out Tripp isn’t as dumb as they say he is, and I think he knows I was talking about you. He was about to flat out ask me, and I didn’t want to lie, so I ran into their bathroom, and now I’m too scared to go back out there.”
A soft laugh rings in my ears. “Is that what we’re doing? Dating?”
I wince. “You know what I mean.” I want to keep doing what we’re doing, whatever it is.
“And that’s why you think you messed up?”
“Yes. We’re doing this whole sneaking around thing because of the team and what might happen if the league found out about us. I don’t want to put that on you. Maybe I need to change your name. Peter?—”
“What, am I eighty?”
“Parnell?”
“Con … you can tell your friends about me. Your brothers already know. Knox. And I’m sure your Queer Convention?—”
“Collective.”
“I’m sure a group of queer players will know the importance of the news not getting out. I actually trust them more than I trust East, if I’m honest. I swear every time he looks at me, his smirk is screaming, ‘You’ve seen my brother naked!’”
I exhale in relief. “I … I thought you’d be pissed.”
“Even if it did get out, I wouldn’t be angry. Not at you. I’d be scared and stressed over the future of my involvement with the franchise, but I wouldn’t be mad. I bought the team to honor my dad, and maybe … Maybe I shouldn’t be so involved in it. Maybe I should go back to tech.”
“You wouldn’t be leaving Denver though, right?”
“No. Not Denver. Just the team. I’d still be the owner, but if I’m not so involved, then we won’t have to worry about public opinion. Uh, that’s if you even wanted to come out at some point. Or not—no pressure here to be ready for that. Or an actual relationship. Or more. Please tell me to shut up, or I’m scared I never will.”
I laugh. “Parker?”
“Mm?”
“Shut up.”
“Thank you.”
When we end the call, I’m less worried about what Tripp knows and excited to tell both him and Dex about Parker.
The mere fact he talked about a possible future or relationship or coming out means he’s thinking about me the way I’ve been thinking about him. It gives me hope that somewhere down the line, after I’ve figured my shit out, we might have a shot at being together for real. Like Easton and Knox. Tripp and Dex.
I’ve never wanted that before, but I’ve also never allowed myself to focus on a relationship. I’ve never allowed myself to do anything but focus on hockey. Not only my career but my brothers’ too.
I head back out to fill them in without having to lie when voices in the kitchen make me stop at the end of the hallway. It’s not so much the voices but the words they’re saying.
“Are you sure you’re okay with all of this?” Tripp asks. “I got the impression your brother was a bit of a homophobe, and now he’s?—”
Pain slices through my gut. Tripp may as well have stabbed me.
“He was never a homophobe,” Easton says, defending me. Thank God. But he’s not done. “At least, not intentionally.”
Ouch.
I almost want to walk out there and make excuses for myself, but can I? Really? He’s right. I had no clue what he was going through. And while what’s happening with me and Parker is slightly different, the worry is the same. I didn’t want East to face backlash, and I don’t want it for Parker either. Weirdly, for myself, I’m not worried. Go figure.
East continues. “He and our parents have always been overprotective, so their misdirected ‘need to be palatable gay to appease the straights’ came from a good place. I always knew that, even if it was annoying.”
“Look, I don’t know Connor well, but I do know you and him got into a fight during preseason. It was all over hockey news. And of course we’re going to welcome him with open, supportive arms, but I wanted to check in on you because I know your relationship hasn’t been great since you came out. What if Connor decides he’s ready to come out and doesn’t go through nearly as many hoops as he put you through?”
If he thinks I’m not jumping hoops, doing what I have to do to be with Parker while protecting him, then he’s right. He doesn’t know me well at all. Then again, who does? Not me either.
“I’m actually happy that he’s realized this side of him,” East says, and my heart warms. “Connor has always had my back. Misdirected or not. And I actually hope he comes out and it’s all smooth. Just knowing he understands now was enough for me to put all my resentment behind us.”
“That, and I bet sticking it to his best friend every night helps.”
“Little bit. But for real, when I finally snapped and showed Connor how he was actually hurting me instead of helping, he’s done nothing but try to make up for that. I’m not sure if people can change who they really are deep down, but I know he’s trying, and that’s all I can ask for. I actually feel like I have my Connor back. The one from when we were kids. Before teenage hormones and the responsibility was dumped on him. He’s my big brother, and I love him.”
I peek around the corner, and Easton is smiling my way, sitting at a stool at their kitchen counter. Tripp is in the kitchen, and Dex is fixing more drinks in the background.
“Even if he’s a big-eared, nosy bitch,” East says.
I step out from behind the wall and throw out my hands. “All of that was bullshit, then?”
Easton shakes his head. “No, it was all true. I just knew you were listening. I meant what I said. I appreciate that you’re trying, and I love that you’ve discovered this side of you and haven’t run away from it.”
“Yet,” I say.
“Do you think you’re going to run away?” Dex asks.
“No? Maybe?” I slump on the stool next to East’s. “And you’re right. I do understand now. More than anything. I told you to hold back with coming out because I thought it would put unnecessary heat on your career. I’m holding back because I know that sleeping with my team’s owner will affect mine. And his reputation.”
“I knew it,” Tripp says. “He’s hot. Good job.”
“He’s mine,” I growl.
All three of them flinch backward.
“That escalated quickly,” Tripp says.
“Connor doesn’t do things in halves.” Easton’s right. I don’t.
“I’m all in,” I say.
Dex grins. “I bet he says that during sex.”
East screws up his face, Tripp smothers a smile, and I laugh.
“Is it possible for any of the Collective to have a serious moment?” I ask.
Dex and Tripp answer in unison. “No.”
Checks out.