31. PARKER
THIRTY-ONE
PARKER
I told myself to quit staring at Connor about a minute ago. Make that two. I’m … I … For a guy who’s normally pretty smart, my brain is being very dumb.
“Parker?” he croaks.
My heart feels like it’s on steroids, and I lean down to kiss him before stiffly climbing off his lap. He’s falling for me? Fuck, Connor, I’ve been unwillingly falling for you since we were teenagers . All the self-loathing wasn’t enough to make it stop, and all I ever wanted was for him to see me. Well, he sees me clearly now, and apparently, I’m freaking out.
Because you don’t drop something like that after sex. You don’t.
I leave him behind and head for the kitchen.
How the fuck am I supposed to know he won’t regret it once the orgasm haze fades and he catches up to what he said?
To me.
No, I think the best course of action is to run far, far away and revisit this conversation in, oh … ten years? Surely he’ll know by then if he means it or not.
“Parker?”
His voice from down the hall startles me. Guess I’m not running fast enough. “Ah, yes. Very good sex. Excellent work. Need milk. Back soon.”
I’m not anywhere close to the door when Connor cuts me off. His large, naked body really should come with a warning label because I momentarily forget what I’m doing at the sight of it. It does remind me that I, too, am very naked and can’t run out to the store like this. That could’ve been embarrassing. Though, not as embarrassing as facing my feelings right here and now.
“Very good excellent work need milk?” he repeats incredulously. “Was the blowjob that bad?”
Okay, now that cuts me out of it. In all of the feelings floating around, I completely forgot about his nerves, and now I feel like the worst person ever. “No,” I hurry to assure him. “No, no, no. Con, when I say that was the best blowjob ever, I’m not being facetious. Yeah, you were clearly inexperienced, but that meant absolutely nothing because I’ve never had someone want to make it that good for me. That’s worth more than years of experience.”
“Let’s pretend like I believe you … why did you run away?”
My face flushes hot, and I know it’s a trick question. Doesn’t Connor know that I’m doing this for him ? So he doesn’t get through this experimental phase and realize he’s made a giant mistake? Even if we could come out and be together, how the hell would that look on social media?
I can see the comments from former classmates now.
THE hockey hotshot ended up with the douche?
Should someone remind Connor that it’s not April 1st?
He’s really slumming it now.
Or worse:
I’d hook up with the douche too now that he’s a billionaire.
My eyes close for a second, and I remind myself that Connor is not saying he wants to run out and tell the world. He’s just … falling for me.
Holy mother of fuck, what is wrong with him? My eyes snap open, and I find Connor studying me. His expression leaves no doubt that he knows what I’m really freaking out over, but how can he not get it? Isn’t he scared? Like, falling for someone is a lot, and what if he doesn’t mean it?
His big hand comes up to cup my face. “I’m falling for you, Park.”
“Don’t.”
He freezes. “Don’t fall for you?”
“Don’t say it.”
He looks pissed. “What?”
“ Now , I mean. Like, let’s set an alarm. Try again in an hour, or?—”
“You want me to tell you how I feel in an hour?”
“It’s the orgasm talking. I don’t want you to say something that you’re going to regret.”
His jaw tightens. “Why don’t you trust me on this one?”
“Trust you? You just came! I’m usually delirious for a good three point four minutes after blowing my load, and here you are saying things you’d never … things you shouldn’t …”
He groans, and it has a hard edge to it. His hands close over my shoulders, and he pulls me a step closer. “Out of the two of us, I think you’re the one about to say something you’ll regret.”
“What do you?—”
“I know I’m asking a lot when I say this, but you really need to give me some trust here. This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing. It’s been creeping up on me since we first got together, maybe longer, and I’m trying really hard not to get offended that you think I’m too stupid to know how I feel.”
“I’m really fucking it up.”
“Little bit.”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “I’m … scared.”
“Scared?”
“It’s possible that I’ve had this big-picture idea of who Connor Kikishkin is since I met you.” I can’t look at him, so I focus on his bare chest, which isn’t much better. “Hot, confident, someone people are drawn to. I’m not convinced that my crush on you wasn’t some kind of jealous hero worship, but no matter what it was, I’ve had feelings for you for a really, really long time. Then you went and screwed me all up.”
“What do you mean?”
I risk a glance up at him, and thankfully, he looks more curious than annoyed now. “You’re so much better than I ever imagined you were. All that superficial stuff? It’s nothing compared to how you treat me. How you love your family. How you’re okay with being vulnerable while you find yourself. Sometimes I wish we’d never had … this because when it goes away, I know I’ll never find it again.”
“When?”
I sigh, but it’s more the energy seeping out of me. “How do you see this working? Us? It … it can’t.”
“Do you want it to?”
It’s maybe the most ridiculous question he’s ever asked. Do I want to make it work with the most gorgeously sweet man I’ve ever met? No, I want an asshole. “If you leave me?—”
“That isn’t what I asked you.”
I guess I can add determined and stubborn to my list of Connor qualities. “Can’t you let me crawl away into my avoidance cave and?—”
“Answer the question.”
“Fine. Yes. I want it. I want us to work out and be end goals and keep making each other happy. I selfishly want the Connor Kikishkin who I built up in my head to be mine and the real Connor to be even more mine. I want you to keep looking at me how you always look at me, and I want to keep being there for you while you find the best version of yourself. I want it all too much, and that’s why it scares me.”
One corner of Connor’s lips tilts upward, and he gets that look in his eyes. That one he doesn’t hold back that makes me all tingly and high .
“Then let’s try this again.” His voice has deepened, and when he steps forward, I step back until he has me pressed up against the wall, his fingers hooked under my chin so I have no choice but to meet his gaze. “I have feelings for you, Parker. I’m falling for you. I want all of those things and more, and from this point forward, you’re mine. Not only in the claimy, possessive, caveman sex kind of way. In every way . Got it?”
My brain has gone stupid again. Never, ever in my life have I felt as wanted as I do in this moment. “You won’t regret it?”
His grip on my chin tightens. “Got it?”
“Yes. Got it. Want it. And you’re … you’re mine too. Right?”
“Exactly.”
A smile splits through his intensity, and his lips crush against mine. His tongue fills my mouth with the lingering taste of my cum, and when his body presses against me, I wish desperately that I could get it up again. Apparently, the poor thing needs more than a ten-minute breather.
He pulls back, forehead resting against mine, and I let myself hope for a moment that this really is something.
A loud yawn rips from Connor that breaks the tension.
“You need a nap?” I ask.
“I shouldn’t. Actually, you know what would be perfect?”
“What?”
“Can we crash on the couch, watch a movie, and maybe order in food? All I want to do is spend the day with you and recover from this grueling schedule we’re on.”
“Deal, except for one thing.”
“Yeah?”
I run my hand down his chest. “We’re staying naked, so instead of ordering in, I’ll cook us something.”
“Careful, I might just let the L word drop.”
That makes me laugh. “Then I really will know you’re still cum-drunk. You get some blankets, and I’ll put some pasta on. ”
I turn to head into the kitchen when arms circle my waist and Connor’s lips come down on my shoulder.
“Are you okay now?” he murmurs.
Am I? The whole confessing feelings thing has me raw in a way I never would have picked coming. No matter what he says, it really will take me time to trust that we’re the real thing, especially since we can’t be together publicly. There’s too much at risk for the both of us, and that’s before we cover the whole Connor not being out thing. I’m more than happy to stay a secret in order to keep him and protect both of us, but I don’t think there will ever not be a small part of me that worries when it will end.
I never had that with my ex, and I’m starting to worry that maybe I wasn’t as in love with him as I thought. Sure, I forgot about the phone call with Connor, but now he’s here, I haven’t had the urge to reach for my computer once.
That doesn’t mean I won’t fuck things up.
But hopefully, it means I’ll be more conscious of how I treat him.
Dad would have loved him for me.
“I have one regret,” I say, turning toward him. “I regret Dad never got to see us together. He was a big fan, and I know if he saw what a good boyfriend you are that he would have loved you even more.”
“I’ll just have to be the best boyfriend ever. To make Pappa Duchene proud.”
I blink quickly. “Stop it. You’ll make me cry.”
“Wait until I meet your mom. I’m going to have her planning our wedding from hello. She’s going to be all ‘ex-boyfriend who’ because she’ll know that no one is good enough for her son but me.”
I’m cautious as I ask the next question. “And … will I meet your parents? As your boyfriend this time? One day?”
“Of course. With my parents as my managers though, it’s a tricky one. I know they’ll support me, but I also get the feeling it’s going to be all calculated and PR mode rather than something I can enjoy and—” Something crosses his expression. “And … exactly how I reacted to Easton and Lachie. I get it, universe. I can really do without all the shitty reminders now, thanks.”
It’s my turn to comfort him. “Stop beating yourself up. From what I’ve seen, Easton is enjoying himself now. So are you. Maybe your parents will be clinical and business-first, but that doesn’t take away that we get this. Nothing does. Take whatever time you need because it’s not like we can be public whether you’re out or not.”
“True. I really hate that we have to hide this.”
“It’s either we hide it or have nothing. I’m comfortable with our decision.”
Connor opens his mouth but very obviously changes his response at the last minute. “Me too. But I think I need to talk to my brother.”