32. CONNOR
THIRTY-TWO
CONNOR
Parker and I watch brainless movies while snuggling on the couch the whole day, lazily making out, talking about unimportant stuff, and letting the heaviness of the morning fade away.
I don’t regret telling him what I was thinking. It might have come out in the heat of the moment, but I meant it. I do regret when I told him because he thought it was an empty confession, only brought on by an orgasm. It’s easy to see why he assumed that, but it wasn’t my intention to make him retreat inside his head.
There’s something else I want to tell him. Something that is life-changing and will turn everyone’s world upside down. But I’m keeping it in my back pocket for now. My figurative one. I’ve been naked all day.
It’s bigger than me coming out publicly. Bigger than telling my parents it turns out they have three queer sons. It’s … it’s something I never thought I’d do this early, and the only reason I haven’t jumped on it immediately is because I’m worried I’m confused. That it’s a phase.
Fucking hell. I’m talking about quitting hockey the same way bigots talk about people’s sexualities.
These thoughts have been niggling at me for a while and are only growing stronger. But it turns out I still have some old Connor in me after all because I know how difficult it would be to come back if I left now and regretted it.
But as Parker brings me a glass of water and then curls back up into my side under the blankets, I don’t see how I’ll ever get to a point where I’ll regret it. Letting go of hockey would also mean I’d be able to give us that real chance to be together. Publicly.
It’s why I want to go talk to East. Because he’s been in my position, and even though I don’t deserve to ask him for advice on this when I was the one holding him back, I’m hoping what he said in Vegas is true. I hope he can see how this conflict has the potential to tear me in two. But is it really a conflict when the answer seems like an easy one?
“What are you thinking about?” Parker asks.
“Huh?”
“You look like you’re trying to do math.”
“I’m good at math, thank you. Twenty minutes to a period, broken up in one- to two-minute shifts, divided by three defense teams of two equals?—”
“Do you know any math that doesn’t involve hockey?”
He’s got me there. “Sure. You plus me equals one now?”
Parker melts against me, and I tell myself to focus on here and now, but the thing is, I can’t enjoy it. Not fully. Not without talking through some of the thoughts running wild in my head. And I can’t talk to Parker about them because what if I decide it’s a bad idea? What if I tell him I’m retiring, he gets his hopes up, and then I crush his heart?
I need to be sure, and to be sure, I need to talk to East. Or Knox. Hey, now they’re together, I get two for the price of one.
I shift so I can look Parker in the eyes when I say, “Do you mind if I head home tonight? The more I think about coming out, the more I want to talk to East about it. About how he thinks our parents might handle it and all of that. ”
“I’m not going to hold you hostage if that’s what you mean.”
“Is it really hostage if I’m here voluntarily?”
“I mean, I could tie you down so you never leave. You said you were mine, after all.” Parker rolls on top of me. We haven’t come again since this morning when I arrived on his doorstep, so he knows exactly how to play me.
“You win, but after orgasms, I’m leaving to see Easton.”
I don’t go see Easton.
It’s one of those times where we have a couple of days between games. We still have practice, and I still have to do my exercises to keep warm and loose, watch game tape, and prepare ourselves for our next match-up, but it’s not as packed a schedule as usual.
Which means that as I pass my brother at our weights facility and he asks me to spot him on the bench press, I take that opportunity to talk to him about all the stuff I haven’t gotten the chance to yet.
I’ll wait for the right time though. That’s what I tell myself anyway, but I find my mouth blurting, “What do you think Mom and Dad would say if I retired?”
The bar drops so fast, the weight of it pinning Easton’s chest and knocking the wind out of him.
“Shit.” I’m quick to help him lift it off.
He breathes hard, rubbing his sternum as he sits up. “What did you say?” He’s so loud others in the room have glanced our way.
“Uh, maybe we shouldn’t have this conversation here.”
“You think?” His chest still rises and falls in an exaggerated way. “Broken ribs were not on my bingo card for today.”
I cock my head. “Are they ever on your bingo card? ”
He stands, seemingly recovered. “Every game day. It’s a possibility.”
“Fair enough. Can I come by your place after this?”
His brow furrows. “Fuck that. We’re talking about this now. I can work out later.”
Now that people are staring, I glance around. “Okay, but not here.”
Here at the practice facility, we don’t really have a lot of places to go to be in private, so we end up sitting in Easton’s new car in the parking lot. We used to carpool until I moved away, so he never bothered upgrading his beat-up old one until recently.
“Still smells like new car,” I say, running my hand over the smooth leather interior of his G-Wagon.
I should get props for keeping my mouth shut about dropping two hundred K on a ridiculous car with all the bells and whistles being a frivolous expense, but with wisdom and growth also comes perspective. I spent four million dollars on a house I don’t even like being in.
“Stop stalling and spill. You want to retire? Like, retire retire. Did you hit your head? Do you have a fever? I’d ask if you’d been overseas anywhere you could’ve gotten a parasite that eats your brain if I hadn’t seen you two days ago.”
“And you say I’m dramatic.”
“This is dramatic.” Easton’s arms flail, and then his face falls. “It’s not because you’re worried about the backlash of being bi, is it? Oh, Con?—”
“It’s not,” I say quickly. “It’s not my sexuality or how I identify. It’s who I’m with that’s the issue. Could you imagine everyone finding out I’m seeing the team’s owner? How Parker could come under scrutiny with the power imbalance? You saw how Oskar and Lane’s relationship played out. Lane got fired because he was Oskar’s PR manager. There were rumors of how ethical it was. I don’t want that for Parker. ”
“Retiring isn’t the answer though,” Easton says. “Even if you do retire, it’s going to come out that he owned the team, and depending on when you tell people you’re a couple, they could speculate it’s why you’re quitting early when there’s no injury, no reason to quit, and you’re one of the best D-men in the league.”
I realize I’m making the Parker factor bigger than it really is. “It’s not only that. If I’m being honest …” Fuck, why is it so hard to say out loud? Hey, turns out I’m bi is easy. I’m no longer in love with hockey isn’t.
“What? Is it because of our thing? Because I told you to back off? I told you, we’re cool now, but if it’s still too hard for you to butt out, you could ask for a trade? Hell, I could still ask for one. Knox can move with me, and if I get on a team on the East Coast, there’d be less travel for him, and?—”
“I don’t even like hockey,” I yell.
The car fills with silence.
“W-what?” Easton eventually asks. “You are hockey.”
“No, I’m … naturally talented at a sport our dad enrolled us in when we were little. I played hockey because it was our parents’ built-in babysitter while they were at work. I feel like every decision I’ve made about hockey and my life has revolved around what has been expected of me, and now that I’m out on this ledge all by myself, trying to figure everything out that I should’ve had figured out as a teenager, I’m realizing that everything I’ve done has been because of expectation. Not because I love it. I thought I did, but … maybe I don’t.”
Easton goes back to being at a loss for words. He stares out the windshield.
Shit. “You’re not taking this as well as I thought you would. And if you, of all people, are freaking out, I don’t want to tell Mom and Dad now.”
“No, no, I’m … fine.”
“Mm. Seems like it. ”
“No, really. It’s a shock, but if you’re adamant about it, then I’ll support you. No matter what. Just like you have always been there for me. Even sometimes too much.” His lips twitch. “But when you say you think you only play hockey because it’s expected, I tried to think about a time where I ever thought that. Or didn’t want to play. Or God forbid if something happened on the ice and I was forced into retirement, how I’d feel.”
“And?” Maybe I am reading into all this. Maybe my love of the game will come back to me.
“Honestly, it would feel like my life was over.”
There goes that idea.
“You should tell Mom and Dad,” he adds. “They’ll be as shocked as I am, but you know they’ll be there for you. You did everything for them when you got your first big paycheck from the NHL. You owe them nothing. You owe Lachie and me nothing. It’ll be weird though. Not having you on the ice with me.”
“You asked for a trade during preseason to get away from me!”
“Yes, but you still would’ve been playing. I still would’ve seen you on the ice, even if instead of protecting me, you’d be the one shoving me into the boards. It’ll be an adjustment, but you have to do what makes you happy. No matter what. And I’ll stand behind you.”
Easton is a better brother than I ever was to him.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t that person for you. The one who’d say I’m there for you no matter what.”
He shoulder bumps me. “You were. You just added a caveat at the end, saying, ‘Even when you do things that I deem dumbass mistakes.’”
“And I shouldn’t have added that. I’m thankful you’re not a spiteful asshole. You could tell me the exact same thing, but you haven’t. ”
“They’re your mistakes to make,” he says. “And who knows, maybe you’ll retire and regret it immediately, or maybe it’s the exact thing you need to be your authentic self. It’s hard to know which way it’ll go.”
It’s not so hard for me. Because now more than ever, I know it’s what I want.