Chapter 20
The red mark on Rose’s face had calmed down by later that evening, but I hadn’t. My emotions were whirring around in me too fast and violent to be tamed. I sat on the bed. I paced. I sat. I paced. Rose didn’t know what to do with me.
‘I don’t think he’ll come after me again if that’s what you’re worried about,’ she said, twisting a length of hair around her finger. ‘After what you said in the dining room, I’m sure Sebastian has told him to stay away from me.’
‘It’s not you I’m worried about—it’s me,’ I said worriedly. ‘You didn’t see his face. He hates me even more than he did before, if that’s possible.’
‘Oh, Mercy,’ Rose sighed, getting into bed. ‘I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. He’s just annoyed that he got caught out. Why don’t you come to bed and get some rest? It’s been an eventful day.’
I got into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I was wound up like a tightly coiled spring. Images of Jasper and Rose went round and round in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore. When I heard that Rose was asleep, I got out of bed and left the room.
Of all the reckless notions I’d had recently, this was perhaps the craziest and most dangerous. But such was the madness of love. I couldn’t seem to control my actions. I needed to go to him. Like I had in my dream, I slipped down the dark narrow stairwell and along the hallway. I turned Jasper’s door handle and stepped into his room. The moonlight showed a shape underneath the covers, breathing steadily. I went over and knelt next to the bed so the light was behind me, but full upon Jasper’s perfect sleeping face. Forgetting the ugly scene at supper and all his slights towards me, in that moment, all I could see was beauty, and my heart expanded with love.
As if feeling my presence, Jasper stirred and woke. ‘Rose?’ he murmured sleepily. ‘Is that you?’
I didn’t correct him, although I knew it was wrong of me. As in my dream, his hand grasped my wrist and he pulled me into bed with him, down into the soft covers and his warm embrace. I was so startled with joy I could hardly think. I felt like I was in heaven. He nuzzled my neck and whispered sweet nothings, and I was so happy I didn’t even stop to think they were meant for another.
‘Oh, Jasper,’ I whispered, and he began to kiss me. But as he did so, he brushed one hand along my cheekbone. Midstroke, after feeling the pockmarks on my face, his hand froze. Jasper recoiled with a gasp of horror when he realised it was me he was kissing and not his beloved Rose. He inched away from me as far as he could up against the headboard and scrubbed at his mouth with the back of his hand. This made me angry.
‘I’m not infectious, Jasper. Don’t you know anything about the pox? Once you’ve had it, you can never have it again.’ I crawled over to him in the hope he would resume his affection, but he sprung out of bed.
‘How dare you come in here and pretend to be Rose! Do you really think I would’ve kissed you if I’d known it was you?’ he said icily, snatching up a blanket from the chair.
Before I knew what was happening, he’d thrown the blanket over my head and wrestled me off the bed to the ground. There was a moment of disbelief before fear kicked in, and then I struggled with all my might, feeling that he would smother me to death. I screamed for Sebastian and managed to free a foot and strike Jasper in the shin. He grunted, let go of an edge, and I scrambled out. Grabbing his whip lying on the dresser, I brought it down with all my might on his back. But he grabbed my ankle, trying to pull my leg out from under me. I screamed again, full force, and sharply kicked him in the nether regions. He collapsed with a yell of pain.
I heard running feet along the corridor, and Sebastian burst into the room in his nightshirt.
‘What on earth’s going on in here?’ he exclaimed, staring at Jasper lying on the floor, holding his crotch and groaning. I threw myself into Sebastian’s arms.
‘H-he tried to kill me!’ I whimpered.
‘Is this true, Jasper?’ asked Sebastian, sounding incredulous.
‘She came in here without invitation, Seb, and climbed into bed with me! What, pray tell, was I meant to do? I was only defending myself from the pox!’
Sebastian made a strangled noise and drew me hurriedly from the room. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking from the shock of Jasper hating me that much he would try to kill me. Sebastian took me to his own room and bade me to sit on his bed.
‘Oh, child,’ he sighed. ‘You shouldn’t have done that. Jasper is deathly afraid of the pox, as you’ve just discovered. I’ve told him to get inoculated, but he’s too afraid of being in any contact with the disease for that. Still, that’s no excuse for what he did to you.’
He sat and put his arm around me, but still, I shook. Was it fear that had made Jasper try to snuff the life out of me or a darker part of his nature? I didn’t want to wait around and find out. I no longer felt safe in this house. Whatever feelings of belonging I’d had in the rectory were gone; the spell was broken. I got up off the bed and stood looking down at Sebastian. He might be the kindest man I’d known apart from my father, but he was Jasper’s friend and would always forgive him for whatever wrongs he did to me.
‘Thank you, sir. I will go to my room now. I am sorry for disturbing your sleep.’
‘Get some rest, Mercy, and we’ll say no more about it. I’m sure Jasper will calm down and forget about it shortly.’ He smiled and patted my hand.
On the way back to my room, I tried to believe Sebastian was right, but I couldn’t. There was no way on earth Jasper would ever forget this, so how could I remain here?
But somehow, by confronting him, I had given myself the gift of choice. I now found myself standing at a crossroads. One path loomed before me strange, mysterious, and unthinkable in its daring. The other led to whatever pain Jasper chose to throw my way when he recovered.
Breathing heavily with a mixture of emotion and excitement, I ran up the stairs to my room and upon entering, lit a candle. Rose didn’t stir. I grabbed her stolen clothing from the dresser; a shirt, a fine embroidered waistcoat and a pair of breeches that had all been freshly washed, and had scrubbed up rather well now they weren’t caked in dirt. I put them on, along with my stockings and sturdy boots. Then her hat, tucking up my long dark hair so it was out of sight. I caught a glimpse of myself in the looking glass. In the flickering gloom, I looked like a young gentleman—my pox scars lending an authenticity to the illusion that Rose’s perfect complexion never could.
I laughed softly to myself.
Rose woke up then and stared at me, her eyes widening when she saw me wearing her costume.
‘Wha ... ?’ she started. I hastily went to her bedside.
‘I’m leaving, Rose,’ I whispered. ‘Hush now. It’s for the best,’ I added as she started to protest.
‘But where will you go? What will you do?’ A plan came fully formed to my mind, as if it had been there all along waiting for me to see it.
‘I’m going to a place where my face will not cause hate as it does here.’
Rose started to cry. ‘But you will be hurt. It is dangerous out there!’ I smiled wryly at this.
‘I believe it is more dangerous at this moment for me to stay at the rectory. Don’t worry, I’ll cut my hair short and the pox will keep any men’s hand’s from me as you said yourself. Now dry your tears and please tell Sebastian that I ... No, wait. I will write him a note before I go and leave it on his desk. Take care, Rose. You will be safe with Sebastian watching out for you.’
Rose wiped her eyes on the sheet and hopped out of bed. ‘If you must go, take this at least!’
She thrust her butcher’s knife into my hand, and I stowed it in my rucksack (thinking it would be useful for hacking off my hair), along with my leather money purse and a few other belongings. I blew her a kiss and left her looking after me like a startled rabbit, but it had to be done. I felt no fear, only a strange kind of determination. I slunk quietly down the stairs and padded along the dark hallway and down the main staircase.
Sebastian’s study lay in pitch-blackness, but dawn was near as I could hear a few birds tweeting outside in the stillness. I lit a candle and hurriedly scratched a note with his quill. My writing was not as good as my reading, but I hoped he’d be able to understand it.
Dear Sir (Sebastian),
I am leaving to the one place where I won’t cause you any more trouble. You have helped me find it by teaching me to read and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please give Jasper his letter, I took it without meaning to hurt him but he needs it back. Do not fret about me, I have enough money for my passage and will be safe with God looking out for me, like He has always done. Tell Maggie goodbye and I will write to mother soon and inform her of my change in circumstance. Watch over Rose!
Your maid and friend,
Mercy Graham
Tears welled in my eyes, but I held them back and carefully placed Jasper’s letter on top of my own, laying beside them the slim green novel that had taught me everything I needed to know about travelling to Venice. My goodbye written, I strode purposefully to the kitchen before I changed my mind. I took down my cloak for the last time but left my basket where it was on the floor. The sound of Maggie’s soft snores floated out from her room, and I could smell the faint stale odour of the previous night’s rabbit stew. The breakfast things lay carefully prepared on the counter. I hovered, savouring the familiar space soon to become a mere memory.
As I turned the handle of the back door and stepped out into the cold air, how right and good it felt to leave—to make my own destiny, come what may. I thought my father too would want me to be happy and not blame myself any longer for causing his death.
I could sense his presence as I swerved off the servants’ path onto the gravel drive. My boots made a satisfying crunching noise as I walked towards the road and freedom. From now on, I would create my own path. A strong feeling passed through me that everything would be all right despite the uncertainty I now faced. I had money, a destination, and my pox-scarred face was my protection.
At the end of the drive, I turned and looked back at the rectory. Rosy streaks were appearing on the horizon, but Jasper’s room lay in darkness. As I watched, I thought, but could not be sure, that his curtain twitched slightly.
I turned again, thrust my icy hands deep into my coat pockets, and started walking into town to hitch a ride on a cart to Dover—my heart beating in anticipation of the journey ahead. My warm breath left white puffs of frosty air hanging in the wake of my passing. Then just like me, they were gone.