Chapter 34
thirty-four
I lean back on my elbows, staring into the dark sky and listening to the crackling fire in front of us. It was almost the perfect night until I stupidly opened my big mouth, bringing up the past—now Jake won’t let it go.
I desperately want to forget what happened between us fifteen years ago.
Pretend it was a horrible nightmare.
I don’t want to dump a shitstorm of emotional baggage on him. Not after his mom just died. Not after we were having such a good night. Not when we’re finally back to being friends.
But he’s going to force this. There’s a clear resolve in his face. He won’t let me sweet-talk my way out of this or let me sugarcoat it. Damn it. This is the last thing I want to do tonight. Or any other night.
His gaze is locked on me, unwavering in his commitment to get answers. “Go on. Let me have it. Don’t try to come up with a nice way to tell me I was an asshole to you. Be honest. Brutal. I need to hear it from you.”
I sit up, hugging my knees and sighing. “It happened forever ago. I’m over it. We don’t need to talk about what happened,” I lie, wanting to avoid this conversation, even though I know, deep down, we need to have it.
“Bullshit. We do. I want my best friend back, and I don’t think that can happen until we have this conversation.
Start talking.” Although his tone is serious, his expression is relaxed, almost comforting; he knows this will be hard for me.
“Please don’t keep it all in.” His voice breaks slightly, making me wonder whether he needs this conversation to happen as a part of his own healing.
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath and willing myself to be strong.
“You broke my heart. We spent almost every day together for most of my life, then you stopped talking to me out of the blue.” The anguish churns inside me as the tears well in my eyes, daring to break loose.
“I supported you when you wanted to drop out of college to pursue your dreams. I was your biggest cheerleader when everyone else thought you were crazy.” My chest heaves, and my heart pounds as I relive this pain.
“I remember. You stood up for me to both our moms when they lost their shit after I dropped out without talking to them about it.” He shakes his head and a small smile appears. “I’ll never forget how you had my back. It’s what makes what I did so much worse.” The smile falters as he hangs his head.
“I always had your back, but where were you? You moved. I tried to keep in touch. Tried so fucking hard for so many months.” The tears flow freely, and I’m helpless to stop them.
All the pain from the months after he left comes roaring back.
“I made excuses for you. Created reasons why you didn’t return my calls or texts.
For almost a year, Jake. A year! Until I realized how pathetic I was.
Chasing after someone who didn’t have room for me in their life anymore.
I became that girl—the one no one wants around and can’t take a hint. ”
“I’m sorry, Kate,” Jake whispers, anguish on his face. He’s leaning against the side of the truck bed with his knees pulled in close. “If I could do it all over again—”
“What? You would do it differently? Me, too. I would’ve protected myself.
Realized you would leave like everyone else,” I yell.
My fists are balled so tight I’m going to leave permanent indentations in my palms. “You were my best friend. The one person who truly knew me and the vulnerabilities I kept hidden. Never in a million years did I imagine you would stop speaking to me.”
I wipe my tears away and softly shake my head.
“Do you know that I thought it was my fault? How much I questioned what I did wrong? How many tears I cried believing I wasn’t good enough to be your friend?
” My body starts to shake as my tears turn into full-on sobbing.
“Do you know what that does to someone? To me? To feel like you don’t matter to anyone.
” I gasp through my choking sobs. “That’s how you made me feel.
Like I wasn’t worth your time. And the saddest part is, you’re not the first person, nor the last, who has made me feel that way.
I’ve dealt with this my entire life. I just thought you were different. ”
My sobs grow louder as I bury my head in my knees, wrapping my arms tight around me, like it will somehow make the pain go away.
My heart is in smithereens—blasted open again.
I keep my eyes focused on the floor of the truck bed, not wanting to look at him.
Refusing to acknowledge the power he’s had over me for so long.
I jolt when Jake touches my arm and gently squeezes.
The heat radiates off his body. “I was an asshole. Didn’t deserve your friendship then, and I’m not sure I do now, but I’ll do anything to repair what I broke,” he says with a sigh.
“I want you back in my life permanently. I want us to have the type of relationship we had years ago, but better. Tell me what I need to do to fix it. Please.”
I lift my head, looking at him with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “You can’t fix the past, but you can tell me why. Explain why I wasn’t worth your time.”
“You are worth it. You are worth everything, Kate. Don’t let my stupid mistake contribute to that false narrative in your head.
I’m the asshole who didn’t realize until it was too late.
I took you for granted, and I’m deeply sorry.
” He gingerly wipes away a few tears from my cheeks as my sobs begin to wane.
“I didn’t mean to cut you out of my life.
” He tugs at the ends of his hair. “When I first moved, we’d talk or text every day.
Talking to you was always the best part of my day and made me feel less homesick.
Then work started picking up, and my schedule became chaotic. ”
He reaches for his beer and takes a long gulp.
“Work took over every aspect of my life. It felt impossible to manage it all. Time flew by. Our schedules were so different. I wouldn’t see a text from you until long after you went to bed, so I’d plan to reply in the morning, but something would come up, and I’d forget.
” He sighs, closing his eyes for a few seconds.
The grimace on his face makes me wonder whether he’s reliving the pain of what happened.
“When I realized it had been months since we last spoke, I felt horrible shame. I could’ve reached out, but I didn’t know how to start a conversation after so long.
Convinced myself it would be better to wait until I had news to share.
Then too much time had passed, and I felt embarrassed to reach out at all. ”
“That’s not an excuse.”
He nods. “I know. None of it’s excusable, but it’s the truth.
I was stupid. An immature guy who didn’t know what I was doing with my life.
Who I had in my life.” His shoulders slump, and he exhales deeply.
“I treated my mom the same way. The only difference was her stubbornness. She refused to let me go more than two weeks without talking to her, or she’d keep calling for hours.
Basically, forcing me to answer to stop the madness. ”
A flicker of sadness moves across his face. It’s a combination of sorrow and wistfulness—missing her while also feeling happy when thinking of her. Exactly how I feel every time I think about Judy.
I tilt my head slightly, covering my mouth with my hand as I look down, needing a few seconds to compose myself.
“I can see your mom doing that. She probably learned it from mine. She’s always paranoid that something tragic has happened if I don’t respond in five minutes or less.
” I shake my head and chuckle, remembering how Mom did this yesterday.
After she called me five times in a row, I assumed there was an emergency and left a meeting to call her back.
Turns out, she wanted to chat about the upcoming season of her favorite reality show and make sure it was set up to record because she doesn’t trust streaming services.
“Do you remember when my mom would call random numbers on my phone bills if I didn’t call her back fast enough during our first semester of college?”
Jake starts laughing and leans his head back. “Oh my God. That was the best and the worst. Our friends all thought your mom was crazy. You were so mad at her.”
“Well, she didn’t stop after that semester.
Kept it up through all four years of college.
That’s why getting my own phone plan was one of the first things I did after graduating.
” The tightness in my chest slightly loosens.
The dull pain is there, but no longer soul-crushing.
“I’m not excusing what you did. I understand how your career can take priority.
I’ve put my career first countless times, but that doesn’t make it okay to treat people like shit.
You could’ve told me you were busy. I would’ve understood.
Called or texted me, months or even years later. I would’ve answered.”
“I know. I wasn’t the man I should’ve been back then.
Not sure I’m the man I want to be now, but I’m trying.
” He clasps his hands together. “My mom’s death was a wake-up call.
I’m done excusing my poor life choices. I’m working to become the man my mom always knew I could be.
The one you used to think I was before I screwed it all up. ”
For a minute, I’m speechless. This is a different side of Jake.
It’s hard to reconcile the best friend who broke my heart and the man in front of me.
They’re the same person but completely different.
Since he’s come back into my life, he’s emotionally opened himself up to me in ways he never did in the past. He’s supported me.
Taken care of me. Proved to me, time and time again, that he wants to be in my life.
“You’re my best friend. You might not feel the same way yet, but I want to earn the privilege of being your best friend again.
The past couple of months have been some of the hardest but best of my life because I’ve been with you.
” He scoots over to me and leans against the side of the truck bed.
Shoulder to shoulder, like we used to do.
“I don’t want to lose you again. Your friendship is the most important thing in my life. You’re the most important person.”
I lean my head on his shoulder. “I’d love to have my best friend back. For good.”
He drapes his arm around me, pulls me into a side hug, and then rests his head on mine. “I can make that happen. Does this mean the best friend oath is back in play?”
“Sure. As punishment for your asshole behavior, I’m the only one who can use it moving forward,” I say with a smirk.
A deep laugh booms out of his chest. “That seems fair. Well played.”