Chapter 42
forty-two
“How was lunch with Hannah?” Jake asks as soon as I walk into the house, taking his headphones off.
He’s sitting on the couch with his computer on his lap and socked feet propped up on the coffee table.
“Your mom is taking a nap. This morning’s therapy wore her out.
And before you ask, I made her eat lunch before she went to lie down. ”
“Thanks. Lunch was fine,” I reply, heading toward the kitchen.
I glance at my watch and see I have only twenty minutes until my next meeting.
Spending longer at lunch than I originally planned is throwing a minor kink into my plans for the day.
Probably should work late to get caught up.
It would also give me an excuse to avoid going over to Jake’s house after my mom is in bed.
Allow me some space to figure out how Hannah’s advice should factor into my decision.
“Fine? That sounds ominous.”
I turn around, crashing straight into Jake’s chest. His warm hands touch the bare skin of my arms, activating the wave of butterflies that’s taken up residency in my belly. This is exactly why I need space from him. My body can’t control itself when he’s around.
“What happened at lunch, Kate?” Jake stares into my eyes as he gently rubs his hands up and down my arms. “Talk to me. Please.” His voice is almost a whisper, a plea, and it fucking breaks me.
Any resolve I have to keep my conversation with Hannah private is wiped out.
I want to tell him everything. Let him reassure me that her fears are unfounded.
Have him convince me this can work. That I’m the woman he wants.
I exhale, averting my gaze from his for a minute before locking eyes with him again. “Hannah saw us together.”
“Okay. So did everyone else who was there.” His brow crinkles. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“No. She saw us. Near the arcades. The way you leaned into me. Looked at me. She knows something is going on.” I shake my head, stepping away from him, but immediately missing his warmth. “She confronted me about it. Asked if you were the reason my engagement was called off.”
“What did you say?” He clenches his jaw, the muscles straining against the pressure.
“I tried to pivot the conversation, but it didn’t work. So, I eventually told her the truth. What happened with Brian. The night at the lake. Where things stand now,” I answer, turning to face the kitchen window and staring blankly out into the backyard. “She has…concerns. A lot of valid concerns.”
“I see,” Jake replies, pacing the kitchen. If I look at him, I bet I’ll see him running his fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends like he tends to do when he’s stressed. “What does this mean for us?”
“I don’t know, Jake. I wish I did. I thought I did. But now…” I squeeze my eyes shut, clasping my hands together in front of my face before slowly turning around to face him. “Hannah doesn’t think the possibility of us being together is worth risking my heart. Not with your history.”
He swallows hard, his shoulders drooping. “Do you feel the same? Do you think I’ll break your heart again?”
“I don’t know, Jake. I want to believe you.
” I wrap my arms around myself, trying to soothe the ache building inside me.
“You make me feel things I’ve never experienced before, and it scares the shit out of me.
You have the power to shatter my heart into a million pieces that I might never recover from, while you walk away unscathed. ”
He shakes his head and then stares at the ceiling for a second before eliminating all of the distance between us.
His hand cups my face, his warm breath hitting my skin and setting my core ablaze.
“Can’t you see the truth? You have all the power.
I’m at your mercy. You hold all the cards and the key to my heart.
I’m the one terrified of watching you walk away.
Scared to death that I’m not good enough for you.
That I don’t deserve someone as amazing as you in my life. ”
I can’t breathe.
His forehead drops against mine. “I know you’re scared.
I can only imagine that hearing Hannah’s concerns only intensified the ones you already had.
And they’re all valid, Kate. I haven’t been the man I know I can be.
” He slowly strokes my cheek with the back of his hand, eliciting a soft and uncontrollable whimper from me.
“But that’s not who I am anymore. I promise I won’t break your heart. Just give us a chance. Please.”
“I want—” My phone beeps loudly, reminding me I have five minutes until my meeting starts. The client meeting I’m leading with twenty people attending. I sigh, taking a step back to look into Jake’s eyes. “I have to get ready for this video call. We can talk later.”
He nods silently and presses his lips together, staring into my eyes with so much longing.
He doesn’t say another word as he walks out of the kitchen.
A couple of minutes later, the front door closes.
It’s probably for the best. Having him nearby while I’m trying to focus on work isn’t going to help the situation.
I need to compartmentalize my feelings. Focus on finishing up my workday and deal with my personal life later.
Apparently, the simple thought about having too much work to get some space from Jake for an evening manifested itself in almost a week of burning the midnight oil.
That’s why I’m staring at an inbox filled with hundreds of emails at 10 p.m., debating hitting delete all and seeing how many people send a follow-up email.
The CMO at my newest client, Sarah, has loved my team’s work and declared she wants to significantly accelerate the campaign rollout, giving us completely unreasonable timelines.
And then gave us an insane number of resources to make it happen.
I hate to say it, but you can truly accomplish anything with the right amount of money.
This is why almost every creative team member in our agency who doesn’t have an urgent deadline has been pulled to work on this project.
I went from managing a team of approximately twenty people to overseeing the work of almost one hundred, plus countless vendors.
It’s been nonstop meetings until almost 11 p.m. every night, followed by hours of approvals and emails until I’m so tired that I can’t see straight and haul myself into bed.
As a result, Jake and I have been ships passing in the night for days.
On multiple occasions, he’s tried to continue our conversation, but we’re always interrupted by his work or mine.
The only time I spend with him is during meals with my mom, when we’re both on our best behavior, not wanting to deal with her scrutiny.
Although we text throughout the day between our meetings, it’s not like being in the same room.
I lean back against my headboard, providing my eyes with a few minutes of reprieve from staring at my laptop screen.
Is this what a future with Jake looks like?
Nights spent alone while I work myself into an early grave and he’s traveling?
A relationship based on texts, a handful of phone calls, and a few days together a month. God. What a horrible way to live.
I shake my head, urging myself to get one more boost of energy to power through the last batch of items that need to be tackled when Chelsi calls.
“She’s alive!”
I chuckle. “Barely. Work is kicking my ass.”
“Is that why you’ve been MIA lately? I was hoping you were having more fun than that. Perhaps tied up with a certain extremely hot neighbor. Bonus points if you’re actually tied to a bed.”
I roll my eyes, grateful to be on the phone and not on video. “Sorry to disappoint. Haven’t had much time to spend with him, either.”
“That’s a bummer. You’re supposed to be regaling me with stories of hot sex and romantic gestures while I lament over another absolutely terrible first date.”
“We haven’t even kissed again, Chelsi. I’m trying to decide what I want and constantly going back and forth on it.” For the next twenty minutes, I bring Chelsi up to speed on everything that’s happened since we last talked, including Hannah’s concerns and how they mirror my own.
“Same question as usual. Do you want brutal honesty or supportive cheerleader?”
“Always brutal honesty,” I reply, taking a deep breath and preparing for an onslaught of directness.
“You can spend hours, days even, creating a pro-con list about dating Jake. It won’t matter how much time you spend on it because you’ll always end up with more cons than pros.”
“Oh…”
“Don’t get your panties in a twist. Hear me out.
” She takes a deep breath. “Everything about being with Jake is new and scary. Your brain will identify every reason it shouldn’t work.
But love isn’t logical, Kate. A spreadsheet can’t tell you if you’re meant to be with someone.
Look at you and Brian. On paper, the two of you were perfect.
I’m sure you have a list somewhere to prove it.
But he treated you like shit. Didn’t protect your heart.
That’s why logic can’t help you with matters of the heart. Love isn’t logical.”
I blow out a deep breath, close my eyes, and let her words sink in.
“Even though I can’t see your face, the tone of your voice changes when you talk about how Jake treats you.
I bet your eyes light up, too.” A small smile grows across my face because she’s right.
There’s a sense of happiness within me when I’m around him.
When I think about him. “That’s because you’ve already started falling for him.
Your heart is just waiting for your brain to catch up. ”
“What? No. I haven’t—”
“I’m not saying you’re in love with him yet, but it’s headed that way. For both of you. If you let it.”
“How can you be so sure, Chelsi? He’s never had a serious relationship. Never been in love.”
“It’s simple, Kate. He’s made you his entire world, even when you were with Brian. He’s done everything to make your life easier. Support you. Consistently shown how much he cares for you. He’s in this for the long haul if you give him a chance.”
“I’m scared. I don’t want to get hurt again.”
“I get it. But have you thought about the flip side?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if he’s the love of your life?” Tears start to pool in the corners of my eyes as the beating of my heart picks up.
“What if everything shitty that’s happened this year was to get you to this moment?
Bringing the two of you together. And you miss out because you weren’t willing to take the chance. ”