Chapter 58
fifty-eight
My phone dings again. And again. And again. One text after another, followed by two calls that I don’t answer, and a voicemail. Rinse and repeat.
I don’t need to look at my phone to know who they’re from.
They started a few hours after I got to my condo, around the same time our alarm would go off.
I can’t bring myself to look at any of the texts or listen to the voicemails.
Instead, I ignore them and burrow deeper under the duvet, wanting to disappear.
“You can look, but I don’t want to know what they say,” I murmur from underneath my duvet.
“Unlock your phone,” Chelsi says, holding the phone out to me as I begrudgingly sit up and punch in my password.
The room is silent except for our breathing as Chelsi scrolls through his messages.
Her initially stoic expression slowly evolves into sadness with every message she reads.
“Oh God, Kate. He’s devastated. You should really talk to him, or at least read some of these. They’re heartbreaking.”
“I can’t,” I reply, my lip quivering as tears begin to fall onto my puffy face.
The phone dings again.
Chelsi looks at the screen, reading his latest message. Her eyes widen as she lets out a small gasp. “I don’t think you’re going to have much of a choice.”
“What do you—”
There’s a loud bang on the front door, followed by a muffled voice calling out my name.
Oh my God. Is Jake here?
“I’ll see what he wants,” Chelsi says, getting off my bed. “Are you willing to at least talk to him?”
I shake my head, staring down at the covers. I can’t see him. I won’t survive. I’ll give in. We’ll get back together, and I’ll slowly lose myself again.
Chelsi sighs deeply, shaking her head as she walks out of my room and goes to answer the front door. Their conversation is quiet, but I make out almost all of it from behind my slightly closed bedroom door.
“Please let me see her,” Jake pleads, his voice laced with pain. “I’m begging you, Chelsi. I need to talk to her. Convince her that we can work through this. I can’t lose her again.”
“I’m sorry, Jake. She doesn’t want to see or talk to you.”
“I didn’t mean to push her about coming with me. I thought it was a good idea. I never…I never would’ve suggested it if I knew this would happen.”
“This isn’t about you asking her to travel with you.
It might have been the catalyst for what’s happening, but it’s not the only reason.
She’s scared of losing herself again.” Chelsi pauses briefly before continuing, “But I’m really proud of her for recognizing what she needs and putting herself first, even though the pain is tearing her apart. ”
“I don’t understand why we can’t figure it out together. I’ll support her through anything. She has to know that. Tell me she knows that, Chelsi,” he cries out.
“She does, Jake. She knows how much you love her. You helped her learn how to stand up for herself, and that’s what she’s doing.
I think, looking back, she jumped too quickly from being engaged to Brian to falling in love with you.
She didn’t have a chance to be on her own.
Get to know this new version of herself.
And she can’t do that with you. She needs to be alone for a while. ”
“What am I going to do? I love her so much, Chelsi. She’s the love of my life.”
“If you love her enough, you need to let her go. Give her the time she needs. If you’re truly meant to be, you’ll eventually find your way back to each other.”
A gut-wrenching sob tears out of Jake, ripping through my heart and soul. I collapse to the floor the moment I hear it and start crying once again. My heart begs me to get up and go to him, but my brain convinces me to remain strong.
“Kate! I love you with my entire soul. Please…talk to me,” he cries out. “Give me one more chance. I’ll do anything.”
The combination of his sobs and mine echo throughout the condo.
“I think you should go, Jake,” Chelsi says softly, barely loud enough for me to hear.
Once the door closes, I let out an ear-shattering, pained wail as my entire body shakes. Chelsi comes into my room, sits next to me on the floor, and wraps her arms around me as the tears don’t stop.
I operate on autopilot.
Go to work.
Come home.
Cry on the couch.
Repeat.
That’s been my life for the past five days since I left Jake’s rental. Solely focused on surviving the unbearable pain wreaking havoc on my heart and soul.
Although he hasn’t stopped by the condo again, he texts and calls nonstop.
I’m a glutton for punishment, forcing myself to listen to every voicemail and read every text.
There’s desperation in every message. Each one pleading with me to talk to him.
To give us another chance. I’ve been tempted multiple times to call him until my brain reminds me that we’d likely never work out long-term, and I’d have to go through this all over again.
My phone dings again. I sigh, wrapping the blankets tighter around me as I reach for it.
It’s time for my daily punishment session.
I learned pretty quickly to avoid reading or listening to his messages while at work unless I want to spend the rest of the day bawling.
Instead, I wait until I’m curled up on the couch and then spend the rest of the evening sobbing.
I gasp softly when I see there are almost a dozen unread messages from him. That’s more than yesterday. I inhale deeply and exhale before I start reading.
Jake
Please talk to me. I’ll meet you whenever you want.
Have a good day at work. Text me when you get there. Please.
How was your walk? Are you at work yet?
Do you have lunch plans? I can meet you somewhere near your office or have lunch delivered to you.
I’m sorry for everything. Please give me another chance.
Can you let me know once you get home? I worry about you.
Please forgive me. You mean the world to me. I’m so sorry.
I have to fly out tomorrow. I want to talk to you and try to fix this before I leave.
I’m not sure what to do anymore, Kate. I keep putting myself out there, but you don’t respond. Do you really want nothing to do with me?
Please give us one more chance. I love you.
Can I at least have my best friend back? I can’t lose the love of my life and best friend at the same time. Please.
The crack in my heart deepens. He’s right. I’m not just saying goodbye to the man I love, I’m also saying goodbye to my best friend.
Is there a world where we can still be friends?
My heart leaps at the possibility of having him in my life, only to be beaten into submission by logic.
I’m in too deep. I can’t talk to him without falling even more in love with him.
Being his friend would mean pain for even longer. I need to cut ties with him.
Make a fresh start. Take care of myself. Focus on my own happiness without anyone else in my life. Figure out who I am. What I want.
Kate
I can’t. It’ll be better for both of us if we don’t talk anymore.
I wipe the tears from my face and take one more deep breath before blocking Jake’s number. It’s not the future I envisioned for us, but it has to be this way.