Chapter 57
fifty-seven
I’m a fucking coward.
Jake’s asleep in our bedroom as I tiptoe into our closet and begin quietly throwing my essentials into a suitcase, not caring how anything is packed. I need to get out of here before he wakes up.
As I said, I’m a fucking coward.
My fingers tremble as I order a rideshare, giving me ten minutes to write the letter. The one I’ve obsessed about all night while I lay awake in his arms. The letter that will effectively break his heart and mine.
I sit on the couch, pick up his yellow legal pad, and start writing.
Dear Jake,
I’m so sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. You deserve better than this, but I’m not strong enough to have this conversation in your presence. It would only take one look from you, a single touch or kiss, and I’d lose the strength to walk away.
I love you with my entire soul. Please never doubt that. The past few months have been the best of my life. You’ve made me feel loved and cherished in a way I didn’t know was possible. You taught me to trust myself and advocate for my needs. I’m a better version of myself because of your love.
But that’s also why I have to say goodbye.
As much as I want to drop everything and focus on building a life with you, I can’t.
I’ve spent the majority of my life chasing what everyone else wanted for me.
Trying to win their praise and acceptance.
Never thinking about what I need or who I am.
And I worry that’s exactly what I’d end up doing if we stayed together.
I’d slowly start to deprioritize my needs and wants to make you happy, even though I know you would never ask me to.
My life would become so wrapped up in yours that I wouldn’t know who I was anymore.
And I can’t do that to myself. I’m not strong enough to stop it from happening. At least not yet.
So please go chase your dreams. Think of the times we shared and know that I’ll always be cheering you on and loving you from afar.
All of my love forever,
Kate
My phone dings, letting me know the ride is two minutes away.
I wheel my suitcase down the hallway and grab my work bag.
I take a final look at the place that felt more like home than any other because I shared it with him.
I bite my lip hard, drawing blood, hoping it’ll prevent the tears from falling.
I reach for the door handle and walk out into the muggy air as my car pulls up to the curb. I don’t say a word as the driver loads my luggage, and I climb into the back seat. When the car pulls away, the tears start to fall, and it doesn’t take long until I’m sobbing.