12. Tabitha
12
TABITHA
I was up in my apartment, making myself a bowl of soup, when my front door opened, and Nikolai walked in. I could tell by his expression that something was bothering him, but I had no idea what it could be. He was still in his dress pants and button-down, so I knew he’d just left Sergei’s office.
I assumed it had something to do with one of his brothers until Nikolai sat down at the counter and asked, “Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
His jaw tightened. “Are you seeing him?”
I felt my chest go tight.
Not from shame or guilt but from the way he was looking at me. It made me feel like he thought I’d done something wrong. I was used to judgment. I’d had it all my life, but not from Nikolai. He was the one person who loved me unconditionally, and he certainly never judged me or my choices—until today.
“I’m not seeing him. I went on a date with him.”
“And he was here today?”
“He was.”
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Nikolai.”
“I’m serious, mother,” he fussed. “You have no idea who this guy is.”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
“Clearly, you don’t!” Nikolai’s temper was starting to get the best of him when he growled, “He’s dangerous. More dangerous than anyone we’ve ever dealt with.”
“And yet, you went to him to ask for help.”
“We went to him because everyone in this fucking city is scared of him!”
“That’s not the only reason, and you know it.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re not getting involved with him.”
“That’s not up for you to decide. The choice is mine and mine alone.”
“So, you’re planning to see him again?”
A cold ache settled in my chest as I crossed my arms and answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I’m not.”
“But I thought…” He sucked in an angry breath. “What the fuck did he do?”
“Stop.” I held up my hand and shook my head. “He didn’t do anything. He was just like I thought he would be. He was a perfect gentleman. This is about me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing.” I waved him off and stirred my soup. “I’ve just decided not to see him again.”
He crossed his arms and stared at me for several moments before asking, “What are you not telling me?”
“Nothing. Just let it go.”
“Ah, damn.” Nikolai shook his head and sighed. “You really like him, don’t you?”
“Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.” I shrugged and looked away. “I should’ve never gone out with him. Maybe then…”
I swallowed hard, hoping it would keep my tears at bay, and he must’ve noticed because he sighed, “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that my time has come and gone.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You know the saying ‘ you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ .”
“Oh God, Mom.”
“I’m serious. I’m too old to learn how to date and all the things that go with it.”
“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit.” He exhaled hard and pushed away from the counter, walking around until he stood beside me. I felt his hand come down gently on my shoulder. “I know you had a rough go of it with Dad, but that doesn’t mean your life is over.”
“But it does.” I shrugged. “You know how things were with us. There’s just too much that I don’t know how to do or if I’m even capable of doing it.”
“Like what?”
“It doesn’t matter. Just forget it.”
“Don’t do that. Talk to me.”
“I can’t. Not about this. It’s not fair to you.”
“I’m the one who’s asking. Besides, if you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?”
He was right. I didn’t have a mother or any girlfriends. It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried. I had. I had gotten close with one of the house servants. It was just by happenstance. We’d talk and share secrets while she cleaned, and as time passed, we became close. She was like family to me, but then, she caught Dimitri’s eye. Once he started pursuing her, she blamed me for not putting a stop to it and our friendship abruptly ended.
It happened again with the next girl and the next.
I tried making friends with some of the other wives, but they were older and looked down on me. I was nothing but trash wrapped in a pretty bow. I saw no reason to try and prove them wrong. It just wasn’t worth it.
So, I was on my own.
And at times, it was lonely.
Very lonely.
But I had my boys. And I was closest to Nikolai, especially now that he was older. His brothers loved me, and we were close, but it was different with Nikolai. He and I were the most alike, and he just seemed to get me. I glanced up at him and was surprised by the softness in his eyes. “So, what is it that you like about this guy?”
“There are lots of things. He’s handsome and confident, and he is well-spoken. He talks to me. Not at me . And he listens like he cares what I have to say.” I felt the sting behind my eyes before I could blink it away. “I felt like he saw me. The real me.”
“Ah, Mom. Damn.” He let out a breath and shook his head. “You’re gonna have to give him a chance.”
“What? I thought you said he was dangerous, and I had no business seeing him.”
“I did say that, and I’m not saying I was wrong. This guy is dangerous, but he’s no more dangerous than me. If he fucks up, I’ll kill him. Simple as that.”
“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that.”
“I gotta say, I’ve never seen you like this before. It’s clear he’s gotten to you, and if he managed to do that, he’s gotta be alright.”
Hearing him say that made my tears fall even harder.
He pulled me into a hug, and even though I knew it would only make me cry harder, I let myself lean into it. No one on earth could hug me like him, and at that moment, I couldn’t imagine needing anything more. My face was buried in his chest as I muttered, “I’m scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared. Just don’t let your fear keep you from doing something that might make you happy. Because if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you.”
Maybe he was right.
Maybe it was time I let myself find my happiness, even if the idea of it scared the hell out of me. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I said, “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t. You overthink everything. You’ll just end up talking yourself out of it and regretting all your life choices.” He chuckled. “For once, just go for it. Just for the hell of it. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end of the world.”
“You really think?”
“I do, but don’t tell Sergei that I gave the okay, or I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“My lips are sealed.” I reached over and gave him a hug. “Thank you, Nikolai.”
He gave me a squeeze, then turned and started for the door. “Don’t stay out too late. You know how Sergei worries.”
“You think I should go see him now ?”
“No time like the present.”
“But I don’t know where to find him.”
“I’ll text you the address.” Before he walked out, he stopped and faced me. “Just because I’m telling you to go for it doesn’t mean you don’t need to be careful. If you have any trouble, you call me, and I’ll handle it. And I mean any trouble at all.”
“I got it.”
He nodded, then walked out and closed the door behind him.
I stood there for a moment, thinking about everything he’d said, and there was one comment that stood out above the rest. You overthink everything. You’ll just end up talking yourself out of it and regretting all your life choices.
He was right. I overthought everything and usually ended up talking myself out of taking any real chances. I didn’t want to keep making the same mistake, so I took my soup and dumped it in the sink. I took a couple of deep breaths, and then I went to my room to change.
I put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, then slipped on a couple of my favorite bracelets and my boots. I brushed out my hair, and after a quick check in the mirror, I grabbed my keys and made my way downstairs. Once I’d locked up, I started out to my car. When I passed Faith’s stall, I peeped my head in and smiled when I found her eating.
Hudson was so thoughtful to fix her stall, especially after the way I’d ended our date. I hoped it was a sign that I hadn’t completely ruined things between us. That was a thought that clung to me as I made my way to the car. I got inside, and as I started the car, my heart did this stutter-step thing, like it couldn’t decide if it was excited or terrified.
I knew the answer.
I was both.
The drive to the clubhouse wasn’t far, but my nerves made it feel longer. When I pulled up, the first thing I noticed was the size of the place. It looked more like a compound than an actual clubhouse. There was a tall security fence that wrapped around the entire property, and there was a gate out front that was guarded by two men.
As soon as I rolled to a stop, the larger of the two men came over to my window and asked, “Can I help you?”
“I’m Tabitha.” My voice sounded strained, so I cleared my throat and continued, “I’m here to see Hudson… I mean, Preacher.”
He eyed me for a second, then pulled a radio from his belt and stepped back. His words were mumbled as he spoke into it, making it difficult to hear what was being said. A few moments passed before he gave me a short nod and waved me through. “You’re good. Pull on in and park up front. Someone will be out to meet you in a minute.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
My heart started to pound even harder as I eased through the gate and parked at the front. I hadn’t even turned off the engine when the door opened, and a young man stepped out. When he started towards me, I got a better look at him and remembered meeting him when the guys helped at the barn. I smiled as I closed my door and said, “Hey.”
“Hi, Ms. Volkov. It’s good to see ya again.”
“It’s good to see you, too.”
“How are those hinges holding up?”
“They’re doing great.” I smiled. “I appreciate you guys coming out and helping me.”
“Glad we could help.” He motioned me toward the door. “Prez is inside.”
“Okay.”
He opened the door, and I followed him inside. The hallway was dark and smelled of leather, smoke, and old bourbon. And something else. Something older. Like time had settled in the walls, and while it was somewhat rustic, it gave it a feeling of home.
The floors were dark hardwood, and the walls were covered in framed photos, patches, and old black-and-white pictures that gave a glimpse of the club’s history. I was trying to peek at each of them when the hall suddenly ended, and we were standing in a bar.
It looked like one you might find downtown with weathered wood, iron brackets, and a row of mismatched stools. The shelves behind it held bottles of every kind of liquor you could imagine. There were pool tables and dart boards, and the place was filled with men in leather vests and women in tight jeans and low-cut tops.
I felt him long before I saw him.
The heat of his stare sent a chill down my spine.
When I turned, I found him sitting in the back of the room, sitting at a table surrounded by two men I didn’t recognize and two women who looked like they were trying too hard to get his attention.
But he wasn’t paying them any mind.
His eyes were on me and me alone.
There was no smile. No spark in his eyes.
He just sat there, watching me like a king on his throne, as I forced myself to walk over to him. The two men next to him stopped talking the second they noticed me coming toward them. They glanced over at Hudson, and as soon as they saw the way he was looking at me, they both got up and took the girls with them.
There was a whole room full of people, but all I saw was him.
He looked so unbelievably handsome that it made my heart race.
He was wearing a black t-shirt and his black leather cut, and his salt and pepper hair was disheveled in perfect disarray. The years etched into his face, and they told a story I didn’t know. But I wanted to. I wanted to know everything about him. That alone should have had me turning around. Instead, I felt pulled to him, like a moth to a flame.
His eyes never left mine as I walked up to him and said, “Hey.”
He held my gaze for a moment, then replied, “Hey. I didn’t know you were coming by.”
“I didn’t either.”
“Was there something you needed?”
“Just wanted to tell you thanks again for coming to fix Faith’s stall. It was very thoughtful of you.”
“I was glad to do it, but something tells me that’s not the real reason you’re here.”
“No, I guess it’s not.” I folded my arms and cocked my brow, “But you didn’t have to call me on it.”
“Yeah, actually, I did,” he answered without hesitation. “If you have something to say, say it.”
My chest tightened. He wasn’t going to make it easy for me. I didn’t necessarily blame him. I’d been pretty cutthroat when I told him I couldn’t do this thing with him, and now, he wanted my truth. I just didn’t know how to give it. “It’s complicated.”
“I see.”
He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, then motioned his head toward the chair next to him. Once I’d sat down, he leaned forward and placed his hand on my arm, giving it a light squeeze. My chest tightened, but not out of fear or disgust. I liked his hands on me. It felt like a promise, and I wanted to believe it even more than I cared to admit.
He studied me for a moment, then said, “You look like you could use a drink.”
“Yeah, a drink would be good.”
“You got it.” Hudson signaled over to the guy behind the bar. “Bourbon or something more girlie?”
“Bourbon is good.”
“You got it.”
Seconds later, there was a drink in my hand, and Hudson was sitting next to me with a serious expression on his face—like he was trying to figure me out. “So, you ready to tell me what’s so complicated?”
“It’s a lot.” I motioned my hand. “I’m not sure this is the place to talk about it.”
He nodded like he didn’t like my answer but understood it. He was about to respond when one of the brothers came over and leaned down to whisper something in Hudson’s ear. Whatever it was made his jaw tighten.
“I gotta take care of something,” he said, standing up. “You gonna be okay for a few minutes?”
“Sure. Take your time.”
“I won’t be long.”
I nodded, and my stomach twisted into a nervous knot as I watched him walk away. I glanced around the room, taking in the sea of black leather and hard eyes. Hudson’s brothers were scattered throughout the room. Some were leaning against the front counter, others leaned over pool tables or sitting at tables, talking and laughing like they didn’t have a care in the damn world.
Their patches were worn and faded from time, but the power and fear they represented was steadfast and strong. It should’ve unnerved me to be sitting in that room alone with them. Strangely enough, it didn’t. It was just the opposite.
I’d lived the better part of my life in a world ruled by powerful men in tailored suits. Politicians, mob bosses, and all sorts of criminals with expensive taste and ice for blood. They used charm like a weapon and always hid their cruelty behind their wicked smiles.
But these men didn’t hide what they were.
They were raw, fierce, and open in a way I wasn’t used to. There was no doubt that there was power there. I could feel it with every breath I took. I didn’t know their names, didn’t know their stories, but there was a sense of brotherhood and companionship in that room I’d never witnessed before.
I hadn’t been sitting there long when two women made their way over to me. Both were beautiful in that effortless, lived-in kind of way. They were young and dressed in loose-fit jeans and bright T-shirts. One was tall with long, dark hair and a bubbly smile. The woman next to her was slightly shorter, with sharp cheekbones and a smirk that said she was up to something. She was the first to speak. “Hey. I’m Antonia, and this is Jenna.”
“Hi. I’m Tabitha.”
“Yeah, we heard.” Antonia glanced over at Jenna, then looked back to me. “Mind if we join you?”
“Sure,” I said, gesturing to the empty seats in front of me. “Preacher was here but had to step away.”
“We saw,” Antonia replied, glancing toward the hallway where he’d disappeared. “Didn’t want you sitting here alone.”
“Appreciate that.” I paused, then asked, “Have you two been here long?”
“You mean tonight, or when did we meet our ol’ men?” She’d barely gotten the words out when she started to giggle. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to saying that.”
“I take it you haven’t been here all that long?”
“Not quite a year,” Jenna answered. “But I could’ve been here for ten, and I still don’t think I’d be able to call Lawson my ol’ man without at least a little giggle.”
“Same, girl. Same.” Antonia pressed her lips together, then smiled as she asked, “You’re the one with the horses, right?”
“Maybe? Preacher brought a few of the guys over to help me with a few things in the barn.”
“Yeah, that’s right. Weston told me you had some really beautiful horses out there.”
“I do. They’re pretty great.”
“I’d love to come see them sometime.”
“Of course. Come by any time.”
“I might just take you up on that.”
“I hope you do.”
Antonia leaned in a little closer as she whispered, “So, you and Preacher, huh?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. We’re just… I don’t honestly know what we’re doing.”
“But you’re here to see him, right?”
“I came to talk to him, yes.”
“So, there’s a possibility there.”
“I guess, but I’m sure there are plenty of women knocking at his door.”
“Yeah, no. At least, not that we know of,” Jenna laughed softly. “He doesn’t bring women to the clubhouse.”
“Like none? No women at all?”
Before either of them could answer, the air shifted around us.
He was back.
Antonia whispered, “We’ll finish our chat later.”
“Okay. I’d like that.”
They both stood as Antonia said, “It was really nice to meet you.”
“It was nice to meet you, too.”
They both smiled as they turned and headed back over to their table. Jenna gave me a quick wave as she said, “Don’t be a stranger.”
And just like that, it was just me and him again. Hudson gave me a look, then asked, “You wanna get out of here?”
“We can, but we don’t have to.”
“Thought you said this wasn’t a good place to talk.”
I didn’t respond. I just gave him a slight grimace and a mumble, and that’s all it took. He reached over and took my hand in his, then led me out of the bar. He started down the hall as he asked, “You park out front?”
“I did.”
“Good.”
He led me out the door, and once we were outside, he held out his hand and said, “Gonna need your keys.”
I didn’t ask why. I just reached into my pocket and grabbed my keys, then handed them over to him. He unlocked it, then opened the passenger door, waiting silently as I got inside. I had no idea where he was taking me, and I wasn’t sure I cared. I had things I needed to say, and I didn’t care where I said them.
I just hoped, when it was all said and done, he would understand.
Otherwise, things with us would be over before they started.