14. Cassie
14
CASSIE
T he trip back to Matthew’s apartment was a rollercoaster. An emotional one. We walked through the busy streets in near silence, save for Charlie sniffling every so often. Matthew kept trying to steal glances in my direction, but I couldn’t bring myself to meet his eyes. The brief moment in the museum where our eyes locked had stirred up so many memories that I wasn’t ready to face. I just need to get through the next little bit, and then I could return to my new normal. One that wasn’t consumed by thoughts of the green-eyed boy who I’d let go years ago.
As we stepped into the building, I looked around the extravagant lobby with a mix of quiet disgust and resignation. I should have known he would be living in a place like this. Characterless. Over-the-top. All for show.
I preferred buildings with stories built into them, not sterile white walls, like those similar to institutions.
A little voice in my mind shouted that the old Matthew would have hated this shit.
I shook my head, reminding myself the old Matthew no longer existed. Ten years had passed and I still found it hard to wrap my head around how much had changed.
The silence as we made our way up in the elevator was deafening. I did my best to keep my hands steady, to not give any indication of how uncomfortable I was at being in this confined space with him. How overpowering his scent was. How I longed to close the distance between us and feel his warmth. Once it had finished climbing to the highest floor, the doors opened and Charlie ran out and down the hall, yelling over her shoulder that she’d be out in a minute.
Matthew and I stood in the foyer, not really knowing how to act around each other. I shuffled my feet, yearning to take another step into his domain, wanting to get a glimpse of his life these days. But I was a stranger to this new life he had built and I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t belong. My eyes darted around the room, trying to think of how I could easily escape.
As if he could read my mind, he said, “Don’t run. I have someone who wants to see you.” Matthew whistled and called out to his dog. “Rocky, come here, boy!”
The dog waddled his way into the living room, then when he saw me, he tackled me, standing up on his hind legs and causing a laugh to burst forth from my lips.
“I missed that,” he commented.
“Missed what?” I asked, already anticipating his response. What I wasn’t anticipating was the way my stomach did a flip over what he said next.
“Your laugh.” Matthew shook his head slightly, his lips turning up slightly.
My breath hitched and I turned my attention to the dog. “I’ve missed you! You look so good. The high life’s treating you well it seems,” I said, and then I started whispering into Rocky's ear, things only a dog could hear. I could be honest with him, even if I couldn’t be honest with myself. I ruffled Rocky's fur, crouching down to play with the dog.
“You know toward the end, I can’t remember you laughing,” Matthew pondered. “I just remember you smiling politely. Too fucking politely. You held your tongue a lot. I recognize that now.”
I didn’t know what to say to his reflection of past events. He was right—I had been unhappy for a long time.
“Please make yourself at home. I’m going to order Chinese. Do you still like wonton soup?” Matthew asked.
“Don’t! Don’t do this. This isn’t a social visit. The only reason I’m here is for Charlotte, and once she’s settled, I’m out of here,” I warned, standing up from the reunion with my favorite dog.
“Cassie, I don’t want Charlie to hear us arguing. She’s been through enough today. Come on,” Matthew reasoned, his eyes narrowing at me.
“You know, it’s pretty low, even for you, to use Charlie as a pawn. I’m here for her, aren’t I? So please don’t get this twisted,” I clarified, standing up straighter. I reveled in my newfound power in standing up for myself.
“Cassie,” Matthew pleaded, his voice sincere. “I’m not using Charlie as a pawn. I wouldn’t do that. You know me. Or you used to.”
“You—”
Mathew interjected, “We need to talk. About everything.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said. I couldn’t rehash the past with him. Not when I’d worked so hard to put those years behind me.
“We’ve got ten years to talk about, Cassie. I’m fully aware you’re just here for Charlie and not for me. You’ve made that perfectly clear. But I want you to know that I’m trying hard not to push you into a situation you’re not ready for. I just want the chance to make things right,” he offered, his voice hoarse with emotion as he leaned against the kitchen counter.
I stood glued in the foyer, unable to move forward. Both physically and metaphorically. I was sick of people telling me what I needed to do. I didn’t need anything—or anyone—but myself. Or so I kept trying to tell myself, but who was I kidding?
I looked at Matthew. His shoulders were squared off, his muscular body on display through his button-down white shirt. The tension in his jaw and the way his green eyes shined showed his frustration. He cared or was at least pretending he did. I really didn’t know the man standing before me. The physical changes were easy to look past, but every so often I’d see a glimpse of the boy I fell in love with. The one who had always promised to be there for me. The boy with eyes the colors of freshly cut grass could see right through me, except when it truly mattered. When he had donned rose-colored glasses and been blind to what was before him. So instead of feeling hopeful, I felt angry that those types of feelings still existed within me.
I braced myself and took a deep breath. “What do you want me to say?” I asked, my tone flat as I took a step to lean against the wall adjacent to him, kicking my foot up. “That I didn’t sleep in the truck for the first few nights before I returned it to your parents? That I didn’t sleep in mice-infested shelters for almost a year until I found Audrey?” I bit my lip, trying to push down my emotions while wondering how much I should divulge.
Matthew opened his mouth to speak, but I wouldn’t have that. He wanted to talk, so I’d fucking talk all right. I’d use every bit of this opportunity to tell him everything I had been holding in for years, all the suffering I had quietly done to try to keep the peace. I’d tell him all the ways I played pretend, plastering a smile on my face time and time again, desperate to hold onto what we had. It was all for nothing.
“Do you want me to say that I cried myself to sleep almost nightly after you got adopted? Do you want me to tell you how much I hated the parties you dragged me to, with all the people who looked down their noses at me, making snide comments in whispers that were anything but? Should I go into detail about how I cringe every time I serve uber rich people at the restaurant, thinking of how your people treated me, like I wasn’t worth a damn thing? I already knew I was so out of place. I didn’t need the constant reminders that no one wanted me. That I didn’t belong!” I chuckled sardonically.
Matthew looked at me, his eyes growing wider with every revelation that I unloaded on him. “Cassie …”
“Do you want me to tell you how fucking broken you made me?” I bit my lip, the tears starting to pool in my eyes, I couldn’t let him see me like this. I knew I should stop. I’d said far more than I ever imagined getting the chance to say, but there was a part of me that wanted to continue. I needed him to hear one more thing.
“Do you remember what you said to me the last time you saw me ten years ago?” I implored, narrowing my eyes, swatting away the fallen tears from along my cheek. I knew he remembered. Those venomous words weren’t something you simply forgot. I wondered if they haunted him the way they haunted me.
Matthew closed his eyes, shaking his head in disbelief. “Cassie, please.”
“Stop!” I scolded him. He didn’t get to control this. “Do you remember?” I pushed off the wall and stood taller than I had in a long time.
Matthew let out a laugh, but there was no humor in it. “Yes, I remember.”
“What if I told you that the reason I didn’t get adopted, the reason for my ‘sanctimonious bullshit’”—I spat his words back at him—“was that I purposely sabotaged myself to not get picked. That I did everything I could to make myself undesirable to potential families. That I would have done anything to stay with you just one more day, one more minute, because you were all the family that I needed. The only family I wanted. So yes, I could have been adopted, could have had parents who wanted me, ones who weren’t about collecting a paycheck, ones who cared if I came home after school, but if it meant I didn’t get to lie in bed with you every night, I didn’t want a part in it.”
My whole body was shaking. I had been holding so much in for years. All the rage I felt pretending back then was bubbling at the surface. I knew seeing Matthew would dredge up old wounds, but I wasn’t anticipating it to be like this. I couldn’t stop even if I tried.
“What?” Matthew whispered.
I looked at him like the answer was right there, and in fact, it was. Right in front of me.
“Because of me? Because of … us.”
Matthew finally knew the truth. All these years later, he finally knew how far my love and devotion went. I ruined my future for a past with him. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. I thought he was my past, present, and future. Oh how naive I was.
The tears I’d been holding back streamed down my face as I looked at the boy who I had been connected to since we were four years old. He looked exactly the same, yet so different. Love shouldn’t feel this painful.
I nodded, not having the strength to say it out loud. I hoped everything was clear to Matthew now that he knew this piece of information. All of my fears, actions, outbursts, and insecurities. I fought back a sob as I remembered the incident from when we were six years old and how it set all of this in motion. Watching Logan get adopted, and how Lana fell apart at seeing her twin leave, had cemented for me how temporary our situation really was. It created a deep-seated fear in me that the same thing would happen with Matthew and me. That we’d be torn apart. It was in that moment that I knew I’d do anything to prevent it from happening. Even if it meant pretending that everything was okay. Nothing was okay after that.
“Cassie, I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know? Why didn’t you tell me?” Matthew murmured softly as I hugged myself, rubbing up and down my arms.
“You weren’t. I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad or feel sorry for me. I just thought you finally needed to know. That maybe it will help you to let me go.” I nodded, trying to convince myself more than anything else.
I walked into the elevator, pressing the button for the lobby. “Please tell Charlie I’m sorry and have her text me when she’s home,” I called over my shoulder.
Matthew hurried his steps behind me, trying to catch me before the elevator left. “Fuck. Cassie, don’t leave like this.”
The doors began to close, and I whispered, “Maybe now we can both move on.”
The last thing I saw was Matthew’s fist slam against the wall beside the elevator. At the same time, Charlie ran out from where she was hiding. With one look at her brother, she said, “Well, shit.”
I slumped against the wall, feeling utterly depleted. If the truth set you free, why did I feel like I just tightened the shackles?