15. Then
15
THEN
Age 14
T he double-edged sword of being in foster care together was things were never better and never worse. The circumstances sucked, but at least they had each other.
Many prospective families came to see Cassie, month after month, but she constantly pushed them away.
Her caseworker was at her wits’ end. Cassie’s foster parents didn’t understand why she acted this way, so they chalked it up to mental illness.
“Cassie, I have a question for you and you’re not going to like it, but I need you to really think about it. Promise me.”
She was already on high alert. During their recent conversations, Cassie was told if she didn’t do better in her foster house, they were not willing to keep her.
Ever since Charlotte came to live with her latest foster parents, they didn’t need Cassie now. She was an “older” girl and the older you get in foster care, the less likely it is you’ll get adopted. They had a shiny new toddler. Cassie was close to Charlie’s age when she was first placed in the foster care system. Of course, she didn’t blame Charlie for being lovable. What two-year-old wasn’t?
But a righteous teenage girl was considered undesirable. There were just too many years of trauma for anyone to willingly unpack.
Cassie knew this. She fought to stay with Matthew in spite of this.
Matthew still had no clue of her crazy plan. If he did, he would only worry and convince Cassie not to go through with it. He saw something different in her, something lovable and it scared her. It scared her because she didn’t want anyone else to see what he saw. If they did, she would be taken away and be without him.
Cassie started shaking her head no and played with the jelly bracelets that she’d stolen from the mall.
“Cassandra.” Mrs. Baker was once a sweet and soft-spoken person toward her. Now nine years into dealing with all her messes, she couldn’t hide her disdain.
“What?” Cassie barked.
“First, don’t speak to me like that. Second, I know you’re hell-bent on staying in foster care but here’s a wild thought for you—how would you feel if I told you that Matthew is still interested in getting adopted and that I have some potential families?” Mrs. Baker’s eyebrow perked up, and she put on her best poker face.
Cassie visibly gulped. She was out of moves. She always planned for what she could control, which was her adoption status. Matthew had made it clear from the start that no families were interested in a wounded little boy, and the likelihood of being selected only lessened as years went by, so she felt no reason to worry about Matthew. But if Mrs. Baker had families who wanted to meet him, what could she do? It was not like Matthew would make himself unlovable like Cassie did. He was not good at pretending … Neither was she but her fear overrode any obstacles.
“Cassie, I know you love Matthew, but you need to prepare yourself for the day when you might have to live without him. People aren’t homes.”
Later that evening, Cassie paced around the basement, back and forth. She wouldn’t dare get in bed with him, not yet. She knew he hated talking about things, but if he wanted her to stay, he was going to talk.
After a few minutes of this, Matthew seemed to grow agitated, watching her move back and forth for the hundredth time. “Something on your mind?” he muttered.
“Why yes! Something is on my mind. You shut me out. You don’t seem to care that things are different between us. We aren’t as close. It’s like we are drifting apart.” She whispered the last part.
“Cassie, we sleep in the same bed every night. You’re my girlfriend.”
“Matthew, please,” she pleaded. She wasn’t even sure what she was pleading for, but Cassie had to try to fix this.
“Cassie, you’ve been a ghost. You barely say two words to me. You’re sketching all the time. You don’t want to do anything. I even said I’d join the fucking art class with you, just to spend time with you. Don’t say I’m pushing you away. You pushed me away first!” Matthew raised his voice at her for the first time.
“Matthew, I—” Cassie started, feeling like a scolded child. His words sunk in and she realized she had been a terrible girlfriend lately.
“No, let me finish. I know you’re afraid of losing me. I’m afraid of losing you too. I promise that’s not going to happen. I’m not going anywhere.” Matthew rose from the bed, taking her broken pieces and attempting to make them whole.
“What if …” Cassie wondered how much of her fears she should divulge to Matthew. “But what if you get adopted?” There she’d said it.
Silence surrounded them for a minute. She knew he was thinking about the possibility of being adopted. Something he never did. One of the things he did for survival. Cassie understood he wasn’t a hopeful person.
“Cassie, I doubt that will happen. Charlotte’s having a hard enough time finding a family and she’s only a little kid!”
She hugged herself, hating the uncertainty of it all. “But what if you do?” Cassie crossed her arms like a petulant child, waiting for his response.
“Cassie, we will figure it out.” Matthew tried to pacify me, sounding nervous.
“No, Matthew, this is what’s bothering me. All these what-ifs. I don’t know if—I don’t know—” She blew out a breath. “I don’t know anything anymore. I’m afraid.”
Grabbing her face into his hands, he spoke calmly. “Cassie.”
Cassie refused to look at him, so she squeezed her eyes shut.
Matthew caressed her cheek with his thumb. “Baby, we are going to be okay.”
Her eyes popped open, slowly. “But?—”
Matthew kissed Cassie to shut her up. Pulling away, he whispered, “But nothing. You and me forever. No matter what, we won’t change. I don’t care who adopts me or you, or if we age out. I’ll always stay me, and you’ll be you. No pretending, Cassie. Not us. We’re the real deal. I promise it’s always real. We’re real … ‘ Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always. ’ ”
She examined his face, looking for the truth in his words. Cassie found a semblance of what she was looking for, and similar to the first day they met, she tackled him. Except unlike then, this time, Matthew caught her in his arms.
Cassie kissed him with such reverence that Matthew could barely keep up. Matthew quoting her favorite book from childhood made her swoon.
“Where is that book anyways?” She laughed, pressing her forehead to his.
They pulled apart, looking at one another as though they were the only two who existed. It was them against the world. Who would dare challenge such a bond?
Mrs. Baker’s prospective parent visits resumed shortly after Cassie’s first art competition.
While she didn’t win first place and a spot in the summer program, Cassie won new art supplies. Grateful for whatever was given to her, she wanted to try again when the next contest presented itself.
Matthew was helping Charlotte put her hair into a ponytail when there was a knock at the door. Cassie had just finished making Gretchen’s bed so she ran to get it.
There stood their case worker and a couple in their late forties. They were impeccably dressed. The woman wore a floral dress and wedges. The man wore a three-piece suit and had a bulky watch attached to his wrist.
“Cassie, dear,” Mrs. Baker greeted her, gesturing for her to let them inside.
She didn’t want to. Her mind and body were screaming at her not to let them in. She had a sinking feeling that everything was about to change, and not for the better.
Cassie stood at the front door and eyed the couple with Mrs. Baker. She began fidgeting with the skin on her fingers.
Mrs. Baker looked at her, warning Cassie with her eyes not to start any of her normal shenanigans. Cassie held her breath, opened the door farther, and stepped away to let the company inside.
The couple watched Matthew and the little girl with curious eyes. He was crouched down next to Charlie, trying to smooth her hair into the perfect ponytail.
He had no clue that the couple was observing him. He was just being himself.
Cassie took in the entire exchange and then glanced at the man and woman looking at her boyfriend. Her eyes widened as she realized what they were seeing and how adorable the scene was. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying as she heard the couple whispering to Mrs. Baker, asking questions about Matthew and his status.
After Charlie’s hair was suitable, Matthew looked up, standing as he realized they weren’t alone. His hair was in its normal disarray, and he wore the same old jeans he always did and a white holey long-sleeve shirt.
Mrs. Baker was the first to speak. “Children, this is Mr. and Mrs. Adams.”
Matthew went over and shook Mr. and Mrs. Adams’s hands, giving them his crooked smile, although a bit shily.
Charlie said, “Hello people!” She waved dramatically and gave them hugs.
Cassie just stood there, glaring. Her heart was in her stomach and she fought the urge to throw up.
Mrs. Baker glanced at Cassie, making sure she wasn’t going to cause problems. Cassie could read her mind. Nobody needed her fake accents or other nonsense at a pivotal time.
The pair looked at Matthew and wanted to know more about the wild-haired boy.
“Matthew was it?” Mrs. Adams asked, waving him to come closer.
“Yes, ma’am.” Matthew nodded. This was the first time in years parents wanted to get to know him better. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. He typically wasn’t noticed by prospective parents, so this was a rarity. Matthew didn’t even look at Cassie, and she tried not to hyperventilate.
“You can call me Liz, dear. And that’s my husband, Wyatt. How old are you?” Liz gently smiled.
“I’m fourteen. My birthday was in July,” Matthew answered evenly.
Wyatt nodded, asking the next set of questions, as the three of them moved to sit on the sectional sofa.
The conversation continued for a little over thirty minutes. All the while, Cassie huddled in the corner, watching the exchange, trying to think of a way to sabotage this nightmare she was witnessing.
Mrs. Baker went to take Charlotte upstairs since she was getting bored. Now was Cassie’s chance to strike.
She walked over to the couch, waiting for a lull in the questions.
“We’d need to do something about this hair, dear.” Liz ruffled Matthew’s wild hair.
Cassie looked puzzled. She loved Matthew’s crazy electrocuted style of hair. It made him Matthew. This couldn’t continue. She had to do something … anything.
Worried about losing the only person she’d ever loved, Cassie crouched down next to him and grabbed Matthew’s arms, rolling up his sleeves.
“Look.” Cassie insisted the couple see Matthew’s scars. “Look.”
She didn’t want to do it. She knew how those scars weighed on Matthew. Cassie had spent hours convincing him they weren’t visible. But she was desperate. Cassie knew those scars were one of the only hindrances in him being adopted before this.
Matthew grabbed his arms from her grasp and glared at Cassie. If looks could kill, she would have been dead.
“What. The. Fuck?” Matthew whispered through gritted teeth. He couldn’t believe what Cassie had done. She was really trying to mess up his only chance at a family.
Cassie saw the way Matthew was staring at her. She was wrong, so wrong, but so was this whole scene. Cassie couldn’t lose him. She just couldn’t.
Mr. and Mrs. Adams stared at her, questioningly.
They ignored her little performance, but Matthew continued shooting daggers in Cassie’s direction.
She whispered, “I’m sorry.” Cassie rose and ran out the back door, where she sat on the steps crying. Hours were spent mourning what once was and mourning what would never be again.
Matthew found her sitting there after the Adams had left, and though he was still angry over the stunt she pulled, he couldn’t help but be happy about being picked. He’d never entertained the thought of being adopted, never wanted to get his hopes up. So now that he had to think about the very thing that the girl who he loved more than life itself was terrified of, he was reminded that being adopted wasn’t a terrible thing. Sure, being separated from Cassie would be the worst possible thing imaginable. But having a family, a real family—being wanted—that was what Matthew wanted.
“Cassie, are you okay?” Matthew asked.
“I’m scared, terrified actually.” Cassie looked up at Matthew, willing him to say the things she needed to hear. The things only he could say.
“Of what, Cassie? This is what’s supposed to happen. It’s going to be a good thing. You’ll see. Soon you’ll get adopted too, and then we can start our lives with a support system behind us. And money!“
Cassie nodded. “I guess you're right.“
His finger lifted her chin that was pointed at the ground. “I’m always right.” Matthew laughed. “I love you, baby.” He leaned in to kiss her on the forehead.
What Cassie didn’t say was that she didn’t need a support system. All she wanted was him. This was actually the worst thing to happen.
Too bad he couldn’t see the girl across from him who wanted him more than anything.
It was weeks before they saw each other again, the longest they had been apart since age four. Still Cassie believed in Matthew and had hope they could make the distance.